The advice thread for random problems #6

[tomato_paste]

Do it. You have to think of yourself & you will always wonder if you don’t. Sounds like you’ve thought of all angles. Good luck.

Your brain is wired to seek out what it knows. Even if you know that things are bad and could possibly be worse, it is more familiar than not knowing. Not knowing what you'll encounter if you move

Maybe you can book a session with a therapist. Or start small with buying another brand of toothpaste, go to a bar you've never been, read a book from a genre you don't like. So that you can get used to the feeling of unfamiliarity

You already made a pro's and cons list. You already know what's the best option. You're waiting for a wave of inspiration. For your gut to catch up with your brain. But you don't have to wait untill it feels right. They way you wrote it there is nothing left to stay for anyway. Something you just have to pack up all your fears, uncertainties, belongings an just get things done

Thanks to both of you for replying, I'm very grateful!
I've thought about it a lot, and I have a therapy sesh to look more into it next week as well, but I realised something.

My mother is very religious, a weird amalgation of Catholicism and Christan Fundamentalism, which has ducked me up a lot. Because, according to her, I am only "worthy" if I struggle. An easy life is worthless. Life needs to be a struggle. I don't deserve nice things, because wanting nice things is greedy and a sin.
ducked up, right?

It explains so much - why my gut is not caught up with my brain, why I keep holding on to this current life that is much harder than it needs to be, why I don't allow myself to heal from my depression, why I keep making decisions that make my life harder.

I am too old for this tit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

Thanks to both of you for replying, I'm very grateful!
I've thought about it a lot, and I have a therapy sesh to look more into it next week as well, but I realised something.

My mother is very religious, a weird amalgation of Catholicism and Christan Fundamentalism, which has ducked me up a lot. Because, according to her, I am only "worthy" if I struggle. An easy life is worthless. Life needs to be a struggle. I don't deserve nice things, because wanting nice things is greedy and a sin.
ducked up, right?

It explains so much - why my gut is not caught up with my brain, why I keep holding on to this current life that is much harder than it needs to be, why I don't allow myself to heal from my depression, why I keep making decisions that make my life harder.

I am too old for this tit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

I have no contact with my mum, lived overseas for a while. Ultimately this is your life.

 

[klarakluckbag]

Thanks to both of you for replying, I'm very grateful!
I've thought about it a lot, and I have a therapy sesh to look more into it next week as well, but I realised something.

My mother is very religious, a weird amalgation of Catholicism and Christan Fundamentalism, which has ducked me up a lot. Because, according to her, I am only "worthy" if I struggle. An easy life is worthless. Life needs to be a struggle. I don't deserve nice things, because wanting nice things is greedy and a sin.
ducked up, right?

It explains so much - why my gut is not caught up with my brain, why I keep holding on to this current life that is much harder than it needs to be, why I don't allow myself to heal from my depression, why I keep making decisions that make my life harder.

I am too old for this tit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

I think you have to remember that organised religion is designed to keep the plebs in their place. If the congregation weren't indoctrinated to think that wanting a nice, easy life is a sin, they might just start asking why the (for example) Catholic Church can't share some of its vast wealth? Or why poor parishioners are still expected to put their hard-earned cash in the collection plate?
You'll never be able to please your mother, not even if you gave away every penny you own, hoisted yourself on a cross and died for everyone else's sins....you'd probably be told off for making a show of yourself . Some women just aren't very good mothers. There's nothing that you can do to change that, she's going to be a tit parent, whether you stay or go. So why not go? (And if you think that growing your own vegetables is an "easy life", then good luck with that! )

 

[T-time]

I am too old for this tit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

I know this feeling all too well. It isn't as easy as you type here. It feels like your whole world shattered. And now it's time to let go off the generational curse

My biggest flaw is that somehow my mind is so conditioned to duck things up, because my limited belief is set on me being a failure. If I proactively duck it up then I already messed up and showed me and everybody else that I am and everything I do is a failure

That is so easy if you compare it to actually believing in that you can do the thing and to pick up the pieces and continue if you realise that you can't do the thing. Then you don't have to deal with the feeling of self sabotaging guilt but the fact that you are not enough. But you are enough and things like moving, staying or still wanting your mothers love and acknowledgement are not going to change that

 

[Juju]

I found a breast lump in Aug 2023, I have a family history (both grandmothers) was seen really quickly, didn’t have a blood test, mammogram wasn’t as bad as I thought, I also had a scan as well, had my results the same day, luckily was just a fatty lump, I’ve lost a fair bit of weight in the past few years so it was more prominent, said if I was still overweight I most probably wouldn’t of felt it.

I hope it all goes ok for you x

Thank you, I’ll be glad to get the next few weeks over with.

 

[Snippysnips]

Not really advice as such, more just curious

Has anyone else been getting a ton of spam calls from mobile numbers recently? My phone's contract was up November so I switched to a new phone (same number) but ever since then I feel like I am getting a ridiculous amount of spam calls, I've had 5 today so far, it's all mobile numbers an they don't show up as spam (like my last phone did) so I end up answering then because I am trying to find morning work an don't want to end up missing a call from what could be a company

It just feels like it's getting out of hand, every single number is a new one so even blocking them doesn't slow them down, am not sure what I can do an changing my number is going to be a straight up nightmare for the chance that a new number might not be as bad

 

[Captainmouse]

Not really advice as such, more just curious

Has anyone else been getting a ton of spam calls from mobile numbers recently? My phone's contract was up November so I switched to a new phone (same number) but ever since then I feel like I am getting a ridiculous amount of spam calls, I've had 5 today so far, it's all mobile numbers an they don't show up as spam (like my last phone did) so I end up answering then because I am trying to find morning work an don't want to end up missing a call from what could be a company

It just feels like it's getting out of hand, every single number is a new one so even blocking them doesn't slow them down, am not sure what I can do an changing my number is going to be a straight up nightmare for the chance that a new number might not be as bad

There are apps available which will automatically block spam, spoof and scam calls true caller is one

 

[Snippysnips]

There are apps available which will automatically block spam, spoof and scam calls true caller is one

Thanks I'll try one out, will they still be able to tell it's a scam if it's just a regular mobile number?

 

[Codiaeum]

This is a really privileged problem to have, I know, but I'm still stuck emotionally, so I thought I'd post here.

I bought a house (with a mortgage) in quite an expensive, poular area of my country some years ago. My fam is from here. It had stood empty for a year and needed lots of cosmetic work, which is why nobody wanted it, so I got a good price on it. The house has gone up in value by about 80%. Minus what I spent on renovations, I would still make a tidy sum if I sold it.

I could move to the opposite end of the country as I've been thinking about for years now. I found the perfect property, too, and it's exactly in the town I would want to live in. It is massively cheaper, would allow me to be mortgage free, have very few outgoings, and I would have a tidy sum left over to do with whatever I want.
The area is beautiful, close to two big cities but still rural enough to feed my soul.

On paper, it seems like the perfect idea to allow myself to work towards my goals (switch fields, become mortgage free, have more time for myself, have a huge garden for growing my own food, have time for long walks with the dog every day instead of squeezing them in wherever there is a little time, and many more.)

So why the duck am I still hesitating? I'm lonely here, people are very closed off and difficult to get to know; I have one childhood friend here, and one friend who herself is probably going to move away at some point. I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, and the family I would miss are my siblings. It's about a 5 hour drive from here to there, so not too bad, and other friends that are not local would be the same distance away. There are no downsides. None. So why can't I do it? Why can’t I just say "Fuckem", list my house and go live my best life?

It sounds like a perfect opportunity, I'd say go for it! Realistically, you wouldn't get your mother's approval either way, if you stay in your current location and house, you have it "easy" because it's all figured out already, even if you aren't really happy in the current place. If you do move, you have it "easy" because you won't need to worry about a mortgage and have some money from selling your house, etc. So realistically, it doesn't matter what you do and you can just as well do the thing you wanted to for a long time, especially as it seems to be very beneficial for you, both financially and also you'd be living in a nice place.

 

[littlepup]

Not really advice as such, more just curious

Has anyone else been getting a ton of spam calls from mobile numbers recently? My phone's contract was up November so I switched to a new phone (same number) but ever since then I feel like I am getting a ridiculous amount of spam calls, I've had 5 today so far, it's all mobile numbers an they don't show up as spam (like my last phone did) so I end up answering then because I am trying to find morning work an don't want to end up missing a call from what could be a company

It just feels like it's getting out of hand, every single number is a new one so even blocking them doesn't slow them down, am not sure what I can do an changing my number is going to be a straight up nightmare for the chance that a new number might not be as bad

Have you filled out any new form or registrations recently?
It could be that your number has just appeared on some new cold calling list too. Happens with emails sometimes too, when the data is sold you get a sudden influx.

 

[Snippysnips]

Have you filled out any new form or registrations recently?
It could be that your number has just appeared on some new cold calling list too. Happens with emails sometimes too, when the data is sold you get a sudden influx.

Not as far as am aware but I suppose it could be the reason that somehow my numbers appeared on some cold calling list

It's all calls about having bit coins, or having money in some account, so it's not like they are even selling me stuff, I don't stay on the calls but I assume it would end up going along the lines of "give us your details to release this money" or some type of nonsense

 

[Captainmouse]

Thanks I'll try one out, will they still be able to tell it's a scam if it's just a regular mobile number?

They compile database of known numbers, you need to update it regularly, it’s not 100% but it helps

 

[Snippysnips]

They compile database of known numbers, you need to update it regularly, it’s not 100% but it helps

Thanks, it's worth a go, I had another 3 tonight

Am honestly tempted to put my phone under a pot an smack the tit out it, or get a air horn

 

[epictoaster]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the duck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

 

[tomato_paste]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the duck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

I would talk to your mum and aunt first - they are, after all, enabling his behaviour.

There is no reason for him to get his licence since they'll drive him, and there is no reason for him to pay his share because he knows their threats are hollow.

They need to decided to lay down the law and stick to it, and they need to call the cops of he gets violent to enforce that this behaviour will not be tolerated. If they don't want to or feel sorry for their "boy" then there is nothing you can do.

But I'd keep out of it otherwise, and wouldn't talk to him. He a) won't hear you anyway, and b) he will fight tooth and nail for what he percieves as his "right", so his ire and anger might focus on you.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the duck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

I agree with the other poster. Unless you live close by and can get involved if things go south don’t get too involved.
Talk to all of them but ultimately they are all adults and as the “messenger” you might get the brunt of it if things go wrong

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Just to add that I’m in a similar position but in my case my brother and his wife live with my mum and my mum and SIL don’t get on.
It’s caused me no end of stress and I can’t get involved as I live in the UK and they live in Africa. The issue is I know if I went in there and caused “tit” ultimately I leave and they are left behind and I’m scared things will get worse.
I have however talked to my mum and my brother about the situation but ultimately they are all adults making their own choices.
My mum would rather put up with it all than live by herself
For my own piece of mind I’ve had to take a step back as it was affecting my health

 

[petitspois]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the duck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

I agree with previous posters and also caution them to take steps to hide valuables, prevent access to their bank accounts and everything else they can do to prevent him causing any damage if things come to a head. Personally, I think they are going to find the whole scenario very hard and I would actually move house myself to get a clean slate, ensure the issue came to a natural end and he can hopefully see it as a natural step and not become vindictive. I think tough love works sometimes but they need to do it with notice and in a way that protects them.

 

[epictoaster]

Hi everyone, thanks for the feedback! Just a little clarification, I've talked extensively with both my mom and my aunt for the past few months about this....or I should say, they talk to me about it. I have been saying for a decade now that she needed to set him straight, tell him to grow the F up, and kick him out but she just says "he'll just sink". I think he needs to sink to be humbled.

She has honestly thought recently of just signing the house out of her name (she keeps herself one foot out the door anyway and has never had an attachment to the house and stayed intentionally behind on property taxes if she ever needed to run) and just abandoning the house and him as he has made it very clear of his refusal to leave.

I think you're all right, I live 3 hours (drive) away so it's not like I can just swing over if things hit the fan but I am also not afraid to be an enemy of him as I have been there before in the past. I have never had a very good relationship with him and at this point, I don't even like him as a person anymore. I wouldn't even extend putting a shed turned tiny house in my backyard anymore for him to live in (just a running *serious* joke - my mom has always said I'll have to take him when she's gone because he won't make it). I think it's best I just stay the fack out of it.

I appreciate tattle and everyone on it so much, thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

 

[tomato_paste]

Hi everyone, thanks for the feedback! Just a little clarification, I've talked extensively with both my mom and my aunt for the past few months about this....or I should say, they talk to me about it. I have been saying for a decade now that she needed to set him straight, tell him to grow the F up, and kick him out but she just says "he'll just sink". I think he needs to sink to be humbled.

She has honestly thought recently of just signing the house out of her name (she keeps herself one foot out the door anyway and has never had an attachment to the house and stayed intentionally behind on property taxes if she ever needed to run) and just abandoning the house and him as he has made it very clear of his refusal to leave.

I think you're all right, I live 3 hours (drive) away so it's not like I can just swing over if things hit the fan but I am also not afraid to be an enemy of him as I have been there before in the past. I have never had a very good relationship with him and at this point, I don't even like him as a person anymore. I wouldn't even extend putting a shed turned tiny house in my backyard anymore for him to live in (just a running *serious* joke - my mom has always said I'll have to take him when she's gone because he won't make it). I think it's best I just stay the fack out of it.

I appreciate tattle and everyone on it so much, thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Hey, sorry to hear how complicated this is. Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do, and you need your mum and aunt to make their own choices. Also, consider the perspective that by constantly listening and taking a share of the emotional burden you might also be co- enabling him by allowing them to dump their emotions on you. It really sucks, but put yourself first.

And you're correct - he needs to hit rock bottom before he will even consider changing, but in reality, users like him will always find someone they can get what they need from. If or when you mum will dump the house, he'll move in with some unfortunate woman, I can guarantee that.