The advice thread for random problems #6

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thank you! I’m going to have a search for the solo travelling thread and do a bit of a search for groups in my area. You are right about me regretting stuff, I’m already starting to feel it.

I travel by myself all the time and when I want a bit more company I join a solo travellers group. There is a great one on Meetup that I've travelled with twice. I've also heard great things about Intrepid travel.
I completely understand where your friend is coming from though, when I had very little I hated feelind indebted to friends who paid my way. And I know, like you, they did it with pleasure but it's hard. It feels like a handout.
Maybe you could suggest smaller, cheaper weekend away and treat your friend as a birthday surprise?
I wouldn't let the fact that you have nobody to travel with stop you. Once you join the solo travellers groups you will see how many people are in the same boat

 

[Kim Mild]

I don’t know how to write this as I feel regardless of how I write it I’m going to look like a serious idiot. People have actual problems and then there’s me with this.

I feel like I’m in a really weird place at the minute in my life. My career is actually the best it’s ever been - earning the most amount of money I’ve ever earned, enjoying my job and not feeling massively stressed by it. However, outside of work I just feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it and I’m just letting life pass me by. I’m earning all this money, able to save healthily and have decent monthly budget (not bragging, someone will always have more than me and I’m just trying to paint a picture). I have got this desire to go and travel to loads of places using my weekends and annual leave but no one to do it with. I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to different countries on my own (but I think I’m gonna have to get to this point). My best friend isn’t on a much money as me and I feel like this disparity is really showing itself. It doesn’t bother me, it’s not really a thing and I would absolutely cover her (as I have in the past) but it’s kinda stopping us (me?) doing stuff because it’s shut down before we have a chat about “let’s plan this and pay it off accordingly so we’ve got plans and no one is feeling the expense abruptly”.

I just want my friend to be able (want?) to do exciting stuff with me instead of me suggesting things and her being like “I’ve only just got my savings looking healthy again.” I can offer to sub her money, or she can pay whatever I cover for her whenever but she doesn’t like stuff like that as she’s voiced feeling like she doesn’t want to “owe me”. It’s not like that for me and I have explained this. So to respect this and I suppose meet in the middle, it’s about having a chat about paying stuff off with ample time, yet we don’t even get to that point.

I feel at such a loss, like I don’t really have a friend. It’s making me feel insecure in suggesting things cause I feel like I’m just going to get a knock back or feel like maybe she just doesn’t wanna do that stuff with me anymore and this the perfect excuse and there is an avoidance to say the real reason It’s first world problems.

This is a massive brain dump but I just needed to put it somewhere (and that somewhere probably should’ve been my chat with her rather than here but I think I want to try and be clearer with my thoughts before doing that).

What would you do? Should I raise it? Should I join one of those groups for women who want more friends? Should I just go away by myself but on one of those group trips?

Sorry for war and peace

I totally understand the bit about life passing you by. I feel the same although my situation is abundance of time , not money.
In adulthood, it often is the case of either do it alone or not do it. Not doing it alone is usually either down to cost or confidence ( or both) .

Just be aware that any suggestions you make to your friend is a suggestion , rather than a summons and she can decline. People do have different priorities in their lives. You could share with her that you feel like your life is all work and no play.

 

[petitspois]

I don’t know how to write this as I feel regardless of how I write it I’m going to look like a serious idiot. People have actual problems and then there’s me with this.

I feel like I’m in a really weird place at the minute in my life. My career is actually the best it’s ever been - earning the most amount of money I’ve ever earned, enjoying my job and not feeling massively stressed by it. However, outside of work I just feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it and I’m just letting life pass me by. I’m earning all this money, able to save healthily and have decent monthly budget (not bragging, someone will always have more than me and I’m just trying to paint a picture). I have got this desire to go and travel to loads of places using my weekends and annual leave but no one to do it with. I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to different countries on my own (but I think I’m gonna have to get to this point). My best friend isn’t on a much money as me and I feel like this disparity is really showing itself. It doesn’t bother me, it’s not really a thing and I would absolutely cover her (as I have in the past) but it’s kinda stopping us (me?) doing stuff because it’s shut down before we have a chat about “let’s plan this and pay it off accordingly so we’ve got plans and no one is feeling the expense abruptly”.

I just want my friend to be able (want?) to do exciting stuff with me instead of me suggesting things and her being like “I’ve only just got my savings looking healthy again.” I can offer to sub her money, or she can pay whatever I cover for her whenever but she doesn’t like stuff like that as she’s voiced feeling like she doesn’t want to “owe me”. It’s not like that for me and I have explained this. So to respect this and I suppose meet in the middle, it’s about having a chat about paying stuff off with ample time, yet we don’t even get to that point.

I feel at such a loss, like I don’t really have a friend. It’s making me feel insecure in suggesting things cause I feel like I’m just going to get a knock back or feel like maybe she just doesn’t wanna do that stuff with me anymore and this the perfect excuse and there is an avoidance to say the real reason It’s first world problems.

This is a massive brain dump but I just needed to put it somewhere (and that somewhere probably should’ve been my chat with her rather than here but I think I want to try and be clearer with my thoughts before doing that).

What would you do? Should I raise it? Should I join one of those groups for women who want more friends? Should I just go away by myself but on one of those group trips?

Sorry for war and peace

The only person you can change is you and you don't want to look back in 20 years and think about all the things you could have done if you'd had the friend to go with. Try a break alone or book singles holidays. I have a friend that goes 'alone' the whole time as she's quite well off and she loves it.

It would also widen your circle as you can't rely on one person too much.

 

[Shoequeen91]

Thanks so much for all the replies, I wasn’t expecting so many! I really appreciate all the different perspectives too. You’re right, I can only change the way I am and to not worry too much about my friend. I have offered but also need to respect her current position and work within her boundary should I wish to do something with her.

I suppose I’ve just got a level of sadness attached to it as we used to do loads together and now it’s far and few between.

Definitely taking the advice about widening my circle further and jumping at more solo opportunities

 

[Jas28]

I have a manager who is a bit scatter brained, the way they explain things is all muddled and not structured at all, as well as their written communication. Obviously it’s not something I can mention as it’ll sound like a personal attack which is not what I’m about. I just would like clear structured communication. I feel I understand things less when they explain things which makes no sense so I just learn on my own way which is a bit sad. Not sure whether to ask them for clearer communication?

 

[Snippysnips]

I have a manager who is a bit scatter brained, the way they explain things is all muddled and not structured at all, as well as their written communication. Obviously it’s not something I can mention as it’ll sound like a personal attack which is not what I’m about. I just would like clear structured communication. I feel I understand things less when they explain things which makes no sense so I just learn on my own way which is a bit sad. Not sure whether to ask them for clearer communication?

I have a boss exactly like this as well, it might feel wrong speaking up about it but trust me it helps, the way I brought it up to mine was explaining that sometimes in my head things can get a bit muddled so sometimes I'll misunderstand communication so could we work on a way where it was more simplified, like a "here's a list of instructions written 1 to 5" so that it was broken down for me, same with if it was verbal, she'd ask something an I'd say back "so this is what am doing" an I'd say back what I understood so that we both knew how it was coming across to one another

It can be hard when someone's a bit scattery because to them they don't realise they are, but you do need to be able to communicate an understand otherwise it just stresses you out trying to figure it out on your own

 

[Thank(space)you]

I have a manager who is a bit scatter brained, the way they explain things is all muddled and not structured at all, as well as their written communication. Obviously it’s not something I can mention as it’ll sound like a personal attack which is not what I’m about. I just would like clear structured communication. I feel I understand things less when they explain things which makes no sense so I just learn on my own way which is a bit sad. Not sure whether to ask them for clearer communication?

I am a bit scatty, i try not to be but people always come back to me when I've been unclear or I've forgotten to address part of their query and I find it helpful. It benefits both of you at the end of the day, you'll fo your job better for understanding and they'll know that you know what you're doing. I'd definitely mention it but appreciate it can be scary

 

[Snippysnips]

I am a bit scatty, i try not to be but people always come back to me when I've been unclear or I've forgotten to address part of their query and I find it helpful. It benefits both of you at the end of the day, you'll fo your job better for understanding and they'll know that you know what you're doing. I'd definitely mention it but appreciate it can be scary

I can be the same, am dyslexic so know that sometimes things can come out a mess to others, everyone's brains understands things totally differently, I used to work in a betting shop an the way I calculated bets no one else could understand how I done it but to me it made perfect sense, so it definitely does help just talking it out with people an figuring out a way both can understand

 

[Jas28]

I can be the same, am dyslexic so know that sometimes things can come out a mess to others, everyone's brains understands things totally differently, I used to work in a betting shop an the way I calculated bets no one else could understand how I done it but to me it made perfect sense, so it definitely does help just talking it out with people an figuring out a way both can understand

My manager is quite defensive though so when you do ask something back she makes it sound like it’s argumentative due to her tone. I do miss our previous lead as they were just so easy to get on with

 

[Snippysnips]

My manager is quite defensive though so when you do ask something back she makes it sound like it’s argumentative due to her tone. I do miss our previous lead as they were just so easy to get on with

That's a pity, a manager should really be understanding of these things, just because it makes sense to her doesn't mean others will pick it up, is there no way you could say to her that you want to write it all down so you don't miss anything? An could she quickly check it over so that she knows you got it all? That way she's thinking you are doing it to remember it an not because you need to try an decipher what she's on about

 

[littlepup]

My manager is quite defensive though so when you do ask something back she makes it sound like it’s argumentative due to her tone. I do miss our previous lead as they were just so easy to get on with

You could ask her to bullet pint it or take the humble route of she’s defensive and make your own bullet points then ask her if you’ve understood correctly or are missing anything?

 

[Lonelylondon]

Hi all

So I received a letter today from the police collision process unit stating that at 14:10 on 3rd Jan 2025 my car was involved in a road traffic accident on X road in X town, where it is suspected that the driver may have committed an offence in contravention of the road traffic act 1988.

My car hasn’t been in any accident nor do I believe it has caused any accident.. the weird thing is, I WAS in X town on the date mentioned, as my friend lives in that town and I was visiting her. I drove from my town to X town and arrived at my friends house at 13:00, my car was parked on my friends road which is not X road and isn’t near X road, and I then drove home at 16:00 so my car wasn’t actually being driven at 14:10.

I have also had a look at my route to and from my friends house and I am 99% sure I didn’t go on X road.

I need to fill in a form and return, which is difficult because the form is asking if I was the driver at the time of the alleged offence or if I wasn’t, then who was, but doesn’t give an option to say that my car was not in an accident, they also haven’t said what the offence is and I’m reluctant to tick the ‘I was the driver at the time of the alleged offence’ without knowing what it was, especially as I wasn’t driving my car at that time…

I’m just really confused, especially as I actually was in the town on that date!

I will include a covering letter detailing the above with my form.

Any advice? Could it be that a car with a similar number plate was involved in a car accident and it just so happened that I was in the same town on the same day at the same time!?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi all

So I received a letter today from the police collision process unit stating that at 14:10 on 3rd Jan 2025 my car was involved in a road traffic accident on X road in X town, where it is suspected that the driver may have committed an offence in contravention of the road traffic act 1988.

My car hasn’t been in any accident nor do I believe it has caused any accident.. the weird thing is, I WAS in X town on the date mentioned, as my friend lives in that town and I was visiting her. I drove from my town to X town and arrived at my friends house at 13:00, my car was parked on my friends road which is not X road and isn’t near X road, and I then drove home at 16:00 so my car wasn’t actually being driven at 14:10.

I have also had a look at my route to and from my friends house and I am 99% sure I didn’t go on X road.

I need to fill in a form and return, which is difficult because the form is asking if I was the driver at the time of the alleged offence or if I wasn’t, then who was, but doesn’t give an option to say that my car was not in an accident, they also haven’t said what the offence is and I’m reluctant to tick the ‘I was the driver at the time of the alleged offence’ without knowing what it was, especially as I wasn’t driving my car at that time…

I’m just really confused, especially as I actually was in the town on that date!

I will include a covering letter detailing the above with my form.

Any advice? Could it be that a car with a similar number plate was involved in a car accident and it just so happened that I was in the same town on the same day at the same time!?

Fill in the form. It’s just a preliminary form and then the actual allegations etc will be sent out in which you can deny the event

 

[Lonelylondon]

Fill in the form. It’s just a preliminary form and then the actual allegations etc will be sent out in which you can deny the event

Thanks, I’m just so confused because I was in the town not that date! And it’s not a town I go to that frequently so would be super coincidental if it was a car with a similar number plate!

 

[Captainmouse]

It could be a similar plate or a clone plate. I was told that my car had been in an accident, I was told when, but not where, or what the accident was. I had actually sold the car back to the garage I originally purchased it from, and they confirmed it had not been involved in an accident, and I was able to prove where it was on that day. I only found out as my insurance had rocketed due to an 'accident'

 

[Snippysnips]

Does anyone use reflective window film, an would it reflect cars lights back similar to a mirror?

hole neighbours across from me have done up the house an done away with the front garden to put in a extended driveway since apparently having one that fits two cars isn't enough however it now means their car when in this new part is sitting right opposite my living room window an they will sit there for up to an hour sometimes with their full headlights on

While I could shut the blinds I don't see why I should have too, the room feels more closed in when they are shut an I like having them open, so aside from putting up an actual mirror to shine the light back at them I was thinking about getting a reflective firm but am not sure what's the best to go for or if it will work the way I want it too

 

[Mamacita]

Does anyone use reflective window film, an would it reflect cars lights back similar to a mirror?

hole neighbours across from me have done up the house an done away with the front garden to put in a extended driveway since apparently having one that fits two cars isn't enough however it now means their car when in this new part is sitting right opposite my living room window an they will sit there for up to an hour sometimes with their full headlights on

While I could shut the blinds I don't see why I should have too, the room feels more closed in when they are shut an I like having them open, so aside from putting up an actual mirror to shine the light back at them I was thinking about getting a reflective firm but am not sure what's the best to go for or if it will work the way I want it too

Why are they sitting in their car for an hour ? Wtf id be asking them to cut that tit. Alternatively I'd get a massive torch and shine it straight at them whenever they do it

 

[Snippysnips]

Why are they sitting in their car for an hour ? Wtf id be asking them to cut that tit. Alternatively I'd get a massive torch and shine it straight at them whenever they do it

I've been tempted to do that as well, they are in an out the house doing whatever an just leave the car sitting there with it's lights on an engine running, theres also been numerous complaints made to them by other neighbours (particularly those with young kids) about them blasting music ridiculous loud when they are in an out at all times of the night an morning, got woken myself at around 2 this morning with that thump thump thump you hear with loud music, apparently the house was bought for the owners mother an two nephews an it's the nephews that are the problem

The only reflective firm I can find though is only suitable during the day time an is useless at night which is when I need it to work

 

[littlepup]

I've been tempted to do that as well, they are in an out the house doing whatever an just leave the car sitting there with it's lights on an engine running, theres also been numerous complaints made to them by other neighbours (particularly those with young kids) about them blasting music ridiculous loud when they are in an out at all times of the night an morning, got woken myself at around 2 this morning with that thump thump thump you hear with loud music, apparently the house was bought for the owners mother an two nephews an it's the nephews that are the problem

The only reflective firm I can find though is only suitable during the day time an is useless at night which is when I need it to work

If they’re sitting with their engine running that’s not legal so you could report it.

Otherwise window films, even the reflective ones will make it dimmer inside so I wouldn’t want to have to put up with that all day for some peace at night. A curtain or if the light is low a half blind would sound like your best bet.

 

[Snippysnips]

If they’re sitting with their engine running that’s not legal so you could report it.

Otherwise window films, even the reflective ones will make it dimmer inside so I wouldn’t want to have to put up with that all day for some peace at night. A curtain or if the light is low a half blind would sound like your best bet.

Yeah it seems like the window firm isn't going to work out which is a pity, I do have blinds an curtains but like I said I prefer having then open as it just makes the room all closed in an I hate that

unfortunately nothing gets done about people who leave their cars running idle, I go out in the morning an there must be like 8 neighbours all leaving their cars running while they decide to run in an out their houses grabbing tit, so no one cares about here