The advice thread for random problems #5

[Clickbait]

I’ve had an appointment today I’ve waited 5mths for to be asked why I was even there (gallstone attack in March, hospital admission, put on waiting list in April to see a specialist after an ultrasound scan for an urgent appointment!) so apparently it’s my decision whether I need my gallbladder removing, the specialist didn’t even look at my scan, told me I need an MRI & sent me on my way literally could of had the conversion over the phone instead of me booking time off work & travelling to the hospital, the stones are quite big according to my scan & google & one is in the opening to my gallbladder, I really don’t know what the timescale is for an MRI, I’m at a loss on what to do?! I just feel so angry that he didn’t ask if had family history for instance & the fact I waited so long to be seen to basically not be told anything really & to make the decision myself without telling me if I would be better off without my gallbladder, how it will affect my health etc….

I’m sure it feels you’ve been fobbed off here. I wonder if the consultant/specialist you saw felt they’d be doing a disservice to discuss next steps without an MRI being in place but that should have been made clear.

Were you told you were being referred for an MRI? The wait time is dependent on the hospital you’re at, and the priority your case has been given. If you’ve been told that it is your decision you need all the information to make an informed decision.

I would recommend establishing next steps with the department you’re being treated under - are you on the waiting list for a scan, what is the timescale, once the results are known how will they be shared e.g. letter from consultant to you/your GP, will you have another consultant appointment at this stage, how are you expected to make an informed decision to proceed, once the decision is made what is the likely wait time.

If you’re not getting traction then involve the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) team who are there to help advocate for you and help you navigate the health system which can be confusing and challenging.

 

[bozlem3080]

I’m sure it feels you’ve been fobbed off here. I wonder if the consultant/specialist you saw felt they’d be doing a disservice to discuss next steps without an MRI being in place but that should have been made clear.

Were you told you were being referred for an MRI? The wait time is dependent on the hospital you’re at, and the priority your case has been given. If you’ve been told that it is your decision you need all the information to make an informed decision.

I would recommend establishing next steps with the department you’re being treated under - are you on the waiting list for a scan, what is the timescale, once the results are known how will they be shared e.g. letter from consultant to you/your GP, will you have another consultant appointment at this stage, how are you expected to make an informed decision to proceed, once the decision is made what is the likely wait time.

If you’re not getting traction then involve the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) team who are there to help advocate for you and help you navigate the health system which can be confusing and challenging.

Thanks for the reply, I just feel annoyed I’ve waited 5mths for what was classed as an urgent appointment & it look 5 minutes, I don’t have any family or friends to discuss it with as live alone, I had a scan back in April the stones they could see were 20mm & 24mm plus lots of little ones & one was blocking the opening of my gallbladder, plus my gallbladder is enlarged & also had sludge in there, I had to google most of it, he didn’t even refer back to my scan, just asked if wanted it removed, said would send me for an MRI & that was it, I wasn’t given a timescale for the MRI but I’m doubtful will be seen this side of Christmas.

I was fobbed off when I had my gallbladder attack in March by paramedics as the pain was unbearable I had it 7hrs at this point thought it was trapped wind or bad heartburn plus I was on my period so put it down to that it was only when I was finding it hard to walk I rang 111 & they sent out paramedics, but because my OBs were ok they just told me loads can be wrong with my stomach & if carried on to see my GP it was only when I had the pain over 12hrs & had chest pain I was taken into hospital & diagnosed with gallstones.

 

[_basic_]

Hello all I’m hoping to get some advice for anyone who’s been through similar please? Asking for a friend. They have just moved house (rented). Both houses are managed by a letting agent and the house they have just moved from they only stayed 11months. There was a verbal agreement in place between the agent, the landlord and tenant that they could do this early as long as they stayed till another tenant was found. All parties knew they would have stayed the full year if needed. Now they have moved the next tenant has fallen through and the landlord is being evasive about the return of the deposit. They are in fact insinuating that because the tenancy was ended before the contract, and the next tenant has fallen through,
The landlord is out of pocket, in reply to a message asking when the deposit was returned. They’ve been told off the agent that they cannot use the deposit as the last months rent especially as the agent was involved and aware of the verbal agreement. The deposit is with the deposit protection scheme, does anyone have any experience with this company regarding disputes?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Hello all I’m hoping to get some advice for anyone who’s been through similar please? Asking for a friend. They have just moved house (rented). Both houses are managed by a letting agent and the house they have just moved from they only stayed 11months. There was a verbal agreement in place between the agent, the landlord and tenant that they could do this early as long as they stayed till another tenant was found. All parties knew they would have stayed the full year if needed. Now they have moved the next tenant has fallen through and the landlord is being evasive about the return of the deposit. They are in fact insinuating that because the tenancy was ended before the contract, and the next tenant has fallen through,
The landlord is out of pocket, in reply to a message asking when the deposit was returned. They’ve been told off the agent that they cannot use the deposit as the last months rent especially as the agent was involved and aware of the verbal agreement. The deposit is with the deposit protection scheme, does anyone have any experience with this company regarding disputes?

I think without anything in writing they are in a sticky situation, technically on paper they have breached their tenancy. Technically a deposit can be used for rent arrears.

I would say that as the agreement was 'as long as they stayed till another tenant was found' then as there is no tenant their agreement is void.

Always follow up in writing, but again the agreement was reliant on a factor which has not materialised so again it is void.

 

[Clickbait]

Hello all I’m hoping to get some advice for anyone who’s been through similar please? Asking for a friend. They have just moved house (rented). Both houses are managed by a letting agent and the house they have just moved from they only stayed 11months. There was a verbal agreement in place between the agent, the landlord and tenant that they could do this early as long as they stayed till another tenant was found. All parties knew they would have stayed the full year if needed. Now they have moved the next tenant has fallen through and the landlord is being evasive about the return of the deposit. They are in fact insinuating that because the tenancy was ended before the contract, and the next tenant has fallen through,
The landlord is out of pocket, in reply to a message asking when the deposit was returned. They’ve been told off the agent that they cannot use the deposit as the last months rent especially as the agent was involved and aware of the verbal agreement. The deposit is with the deposit protection scheme, does anyone have any experience with this company regarding disputes?

I’d suggest your friend seeks clarity in writing of what the current situation is and what is being asked of them e.g. are they now being expected to pay rent on both the old property until someone else moves in or just until the term of their contract expires.

A verbal agreement is something to be avoided and sadly they may find that out the hard way. In terms of the TDS - it was set up to protect both parties - tenants from incorrect deductions, landlords for costs associated with damage to the property. If your friend’s deposit is used for rent and then damage is found the landlord would have no means of claiming for this as they forfeit the right to additional claims by using the deposit for rent.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hello all I’m hoping to get some advice for anyone who’s been through similar please? Asking for a friend. They have just moved house (rented). Both houses are managed by a letting agent and the house they have just moved from they only stayed 11months. There was a verbal agreement in place between the agent, the landlord and tenant that they could do this early as long as they stayed till another tenant was found. All parties knew they would have stayed the full year if needed. Now they have moved the next tenant has fallen through and the landlord is being evasive about the return of the deposit. They are in fact insinuating that because the tenancy was ended before the contract, and the next tenant has fallen through,
The landlord is out of pocket, in reply to a message asking when the deposit was returned. They’ve been told off the agent that they cannot use the deposit as the last months rent especially as the agent was involved and aware of the verbal agreement. The deposit is with the deposit protection scheme, does anyone have any experience with this company regarding disputes?

It's against the law for the landlord to use the deposit as rent without consent from the tenant. They can contact the deposit protection scheme about the situation who will guide them through the process. But maybe just mentioning to the agency and landlord that this is what the person intends to do might make them release the money

 

[EnglishRoseIrishRover]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

 

[littlepup]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

“I can’t discuss it, terms of my contract”

 

[tomato_paste]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

"I'm not at liberty to discuss." or "It was time for a new challenge." and then redirect to a topic you know she'll be unable to say no to - your current work, or introducing her to someone should work.

 

[_basic_]

It's against the law for the landlord to use the deposit as rent without consent from the tenant. They can contact the deposit protection scheme about the situation who will guide them through the process. But maybe just mentioning to the agency and landlord that this is what the person intends to do might make them release the money

Thanks for your response, yes the agent was the one who said they aren’t allowed to use the deposit for the rent. The landlord has been challenged asking if that’s what they mean when they said they are “out of pocket” for a months rent in response to being asked when the deposit will be returned. We are awaiting response from the agent on the professional manner of the landlord before we go further. But I’m not familiar with the deposit schemes I was just hoping they do what they are meant to. Not looking forward to them having to go through the dispute process as I’m sure the landlord is going to try and deduct things

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

Yeah, just redirect with "I wanted a new challenge" or "I can't discuss it" as other said. I normally ask people about themselves when I want to avoid being questioned and it works a treat because people love talking about themselves.

 

[Aliceegordo]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

Hi everyone, coming back to this thread after a couple of months!

Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

 

[littlepup]

Hi everyone, coming back to this thread after a couple of months!

Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

Why are you letting this woman dictate what you do? Real friends and grown ups don’t dictate who you can hang out with. They also recognise if a friend has anxiety around an issue and try to make it easier for them, not harder. Tell her you’re going to be there with your boyfriend because you have nothing against them personally and it’s unfair of her to make you feel bad. She can dislike whoever she pleases but these people are going to be a part of your life and you’ll make your own judgment. Until they act in a way toward you that makes you change your mind, you’re happy to spend time with them.

 

[_basic_]

Hi everyone, coming back to this thread after a couple of months!

Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

I think your best friend is out of order doing what she did and I don’t blame the sister for what she did either! Doesn’t seem like she has any reason other than jealously to be acting this way and she has no right to tell you what to do. I would go to the party and if she falls out with you then let her, she’s being unreasonable and you sound too nice to be putting up with that kind of nonsense

 

[CharlieTYBT]

Hello, I haven't posted in a while but don't really know where to turn and here tends to give good advice. Recently, my ex fiancé contacted me after a lmost 9 years of no contact. In their message they basically apologised for how things went down between us, then added that they hope I'm in a better place now and wish me all the best, ending it with sending lots of love. Just for context, my ex fiancé was very abusive physically, emotionally and other ways to me and treated me so badly. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days but I truly believe he was/is.

I replied to his message, I don't know why, I think because I'm not the type to hold grudges with people and also knowing him, he would say well I tried to be the good person and reach out and she couldn't even reply back. I replied saying I appreciate his message of apology and asking if him and his parents are well. Then he never replied back. I just feel a bit confused why randomly almost 9 years later he would message out of the blue to then not reply to me and I find it quite weird. I've had exes, family, friends message months or years after talking before and there was always a line of communication happen.

Don't ask me why I care, I can't say why but it's left me feeling a bit confused what the point was to reach out and has opened up old wounds to be honest when I thought I was doing ok. Has anyone else ever had an ex pop up to not reply either lol or am I the odd one out? Sorry for the long message!

 

[Clickbait]

Hello, I haven't posted in a while but don't really know where to turn and here tends to give good advice. Recently, my ex fiancé contacted me after a lmost 9 years of no contact. In their message they basically apologised for how things went down between us, then added that they hope I'm in a better place now and wish me all the best, ending it with sending lots of love. Just for context, my ex fiancé was very abusive physically, emotionally and other ways to me and treated me so badly. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days but I truly believe he was/is.

I replied to his message, I don't know why, I think because I'm not the type to hold grudges with people and also knowing him, he would say well I tried to be the good person and reach out and she couldn't even reply back. I replied saying I appreciate his message of apology and asking if him and his parents are well. Then he never replied back. I just feel a bit confused why randomly almost 9 years later he would message out of the blue to then not reply to me and I find it quite weird. I've had exes, family, friends message months or years after talking before and there was always a line of communication happen.

Don't ask me why I care, I can't say why but it's left me feeling a bit confused what the point was to reach out and has opened up old wounds to be honest when I thought I was doing ok. Has anyone else ever had an ex pop up to not reply either lol or am I the odd one out? Sorry for the long message!

It strikes me you’re trying to examine and understand the behaviour of someone whose past behaviour has not been understandable - I say that because I cannot understand someone who purports to love and want to marry someone also being abusive to them.

There is usually a reason why an ex messages out of the blue and in my experience it is always self-serving: they want to try and see if sex is still on the table, they’re having a pang of guilt for being crappy, they’ve had too much to drink and aren’t thinking straight, they’re feeling nosy about how they stack up personally against the person they moved on from.

True narcissists love attention and mind games. He is your ex for a reason and you really need to block and move on. The fact this has left you unsettled is a prime example of why.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I missed a parcel delivery (royal mail) today - they said they would try to resend the next working day. I need it for tomorrow, would I be able to pick it up from the sorting office today/tomorrow? Google giving conflicting answers so didn't know if anyone knew for sure

 

[CharlieTYBT]

It strikes me you’re trying to examine and understand the behaviour of someone whose past behaviour has not been understandable - I say that because I cannot understand someone who purports to love and want to marry someone also being abusive to them.

There is usually a reason why an ex messages out of the blue and in my experience it is always self-serving: they want to try and see if sex is still on the table, they’re having a pang of guilt for being crappy, they’ve had too much to drink and aren’t thinking straight, they’re feeling nosy about how they stack up personally against the person they moved on from.

True narcissists love attention and mind games. He is your ex for a reason and you really need to block and move on. The fact this has left you unsettled is a prime example of why.

I agree with you, I don't know myself why I seem bothered so much. I think it's a mixture of things. I wasn't expecting to hear off of him again and I think I went into shock. I know I said it above, but I definitely think I also replied as, knowing what he's like previously he definitely would be the type to paint me as the bad person for not replying to his apology. I just find it very weird behaviour to message someone several years on out of nowhere and then go silent again.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I agree with you, I don't know myself why I seem bothered so much. I think it's a mixture of things. I wasn't expecting to hear off of him again and I think I went into shock. I know I said it above, but I definitely think I also replied as, knowing what he's like previously he definitely would be the type to paint me as the bad person for not replying to his apology. I just find it very weird behaviour to message someone several years on out of nowhere and then go silent again.

Do you think that maybe he is having therapy? Sometimes people are encouraged to reach out and made amends. I would sit comfortable in the knowledge that you were polite and responded but also take it as closure for yourself and absolutely keep that door closed.

 

[CharlieTYBT]

Do you think that maybe he is having therapy? Sometimes people are encouraged to reach out and made amends. I would sit comfortable in the knowledge that you were polite and responded but also take it as closure for yourself and absolutely keep that door closed.

I doubt it, he isn't the type to admit wrong and I was thinking on this possibility too, surely if he is having therapy, he still wouldn't have sent the one message then went quiet again. But then again, guys make no sense at the best of times lol. I know it really shouldn't matter but it's now left me thinking, was it genuine or was it to test me out or something