The advice thread for random problems #5

[littlepup]

Spoiler: OT delivery driver story

I worked b2b sales when Citylink was around. I'd receive complaints about them daily as would everyone else in the office, it was almost a competition of what useless thing they'd do next. There was someone in customer service whos whole job was complaints liason.
One day I received a call "Hi Littlepup? Erm, yeah, your delivery driver has just done a hit and run. They reversed into someone, knocked them over and drove off" - The person was OK. I won the best worst Citylink delivery

 

[houdini]

Has anyone got any advice for me regarding how to support a child through a relationship break up? I think I’m going to be leaving my partner soon and we have a preschool age child. She’s a very sensitive child and I’m so worried of the repercussions this is going to have on her. I feel riddled with guilt but I’ve tried to make it work for so long and it’s gone too far now. What can I do to make it less traumatic for her?

 

[Snippysnips]

Has anyone got any advice for me regarding how to support a child through a relationship break up? I think I’m going to be leaving my partner soon and we have a preschool age child. She’s a very sensitive child and I’m so worried of the repercussions this is going to have on her. I feel riddled with guilt but I’ve tried to make it work for so long and it’s gone too far now. What can I do to make it less traumatic for her?

You could look into mental health therapy, they cover a ton including things like parents breaking up, grief, emotions etc, I think some schools now have a councillor there but I don't know about preschool, some of our preschool/nurseries are connected to the primary school but if yours isn't or they aren't at preschool/nursery then you could maybe look online at what is offered in your community an see if there's anywhere that could help especially because they are so young, I know at my business it's from age 7 up we will only see

But advice wise, things I've picked up from working in this type of environment is make sure she knows this isn't because of her, talk her through it, allow her to voice everything, an when the time comes that your partner moves out, completely redo her room, allow her to pick what she wants an go for different colours, bedding, curtains etc, memories are also connected to smells so completely change her bath stuff, shampoo, make it a fresh start for her, it might help, I know it sounds weird the whole bath thing but if your partner has been doing bath time an they are no longer there the stuff they used can subconscious bring back memories through smell so she might get upset but won't understand why she's upset

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

My parents split when I was 13 and it was horrendous - at pre school age, I would imagine she'll cope with the changes an awful lot better. And if you're happier, then she's going to be too. I'd have a look and see if there are any books out there that explain things really simply? And lots of reassurance that just because you don't love her other parent anymore doesn't mean that you don't love her.

 

[houdini]

My parents split when I was 13 and it was horrendous - at pre school age, I would imagine she'll cope with the changes an awful lot better. And if you're happier, then she's going to be too. I'd have a look and see if there are any books out there that explain things really simply? And lots of reassurance that just because you don't love her other parent anymore doesn't mean that you don't love her.

This was my exact thought pattern today. I thought how much longer can I do this because I don’t want to wait 5 more years and have it be worse. She just seems so aware and it’s also a bit more complicated than I want to share on here but it’s truly going to be an enormous change for her. She’s going to lose a lot of things that she’s had in her life since she was born and these things form our whole family life
---

You could look into mental health therapy, they cover a ton including things like parents breaking up, grief, emotions etc, I think some schools now have a councillor there but I don't know about preschool, some of our preschool/nurseries are connected to the primary school but if yours isn't or they aren't at preschool/nursery then you could maybe look online at what is offered in your community an see if there's anywhere that could help especially because they are so young, I know at my business it's from age 7 up we will only see

But advice wise, things I've picked up from working in this type of environment is make sure she knows this isn't because of her, talk her through it, allow her to voice everything, an when the time comes that your partner moves out, completely redo her room, allow her to pick what she wants an go for different colours, bedding, curtains etc, memories are also connected to smells so completely change her bath stuff, shampoo, make it a fresh start for her, it might help, I know it sounds weird the whole bath thing but if your partner has been doing bath time an they are no longer there the stuff they used can subconscious bring back memories through smell so she might get upset but won't understand why she's upset

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I think it will be her and I moving which I’m worried will be even harder as she’s only ever lived here and she says all the time that she wants to live here forever. We are very luckily to live in a beautiful house with a lot of land and animals and we’ll be moving to a suburb which is nothing she’s ever known

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

Agree, it's approved up to 50 years old for contraception, if other factors permit. Back when we were teens , it was til about 35. There's also the mini pill which is sometimes suitable for those who can't take the combined

Got to say that the mire a coil made my already bad pmt much worse.
the thing that helped the most was cutting out sugar and caffeine. Sadly.
I also used a pulsed light mask and that seemed to help.

 

[Aliceegordo]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

@houdini

Does your child go to nursery? I would talk to them about it if you find them helpful. Also if they are about to go to school, definitely talk to the school in advance and utilise their support
I separated ~6yrs ago - it was hard but kids are doing so much better and I’m so much happier too.
Mediation and family therapy can help facilitate good co-parenting, if you are willing to work together.

Information on under 5y/o mental health and parental separation

Managing a separation | Gingerbread

Separating from your child’s other parent isn’t easy, and decisions can feel overwhelming. Here’s some guidance for both you and your children.

www.gingerbread.org.uk

Parents' A-Z Mental Health Guide | Mental Health Advice

Our A-Z guide to support has information and advice on how to help your child with specific mental health conditions, and difficult feelings & life events.

www.youngminds.org.uk

Children's mental health - Every Mind Matters

See tips and advice for parents and carers on how to support children and young people's mental wellbeing, and give them the best chance to stay healthy.

www.nhs.uk

Find support for child in your area
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services

Support for parents of young kids

Home-Start UK

Home-Start is a local community network of trained volunteers and expert support helping families with young children through their challenging times. We are there for parents when they need us the most because childhood can’t wait.

www.home-start.org.uk

Support & advice for families | NSPCC

Explore expert support and advice for every parenting challenge. Whether in calm or chaos, we guide parents and carers through the ups and downs.

www.nspcc.org.uk

Support for you

Mental Health Awareness Week 2024 | Donate to Mind

Donate to Mind this Mental Health Awareness Week 2024, and help us make sure no one faces a mental health problem alone. Donate today.

www.mind.org.uk

Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression

If you live in England and are aged 18 or over, you can access NHS talking therapies services for anxiety and depression.

www.nhs.uk

https://hubofhope.co.uk/ (find mental health support in your area)

Also look at the Gingerbread site above - it supports single parents.

 

[Lizziebox]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

personally your friend has made the error with gossiping. She doesn’t have a right to be upset, whereas if it was the couple gossiping about her I’d understand her feelings more.
You are happy, she needs to stop potentially interfering with that and causing disruption. she needs to like it and lump it.

 

[littlepup]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

Your best friend is trying to control who you can be friends with based on who she does and doesn’t like. She’s also slagged of someone best mate in front of them and expected no repercussions. She’s 27 fgs. As important as friendships are and you don’t dump them for a bloke, she’s being unreasonable. Your future and life is with your boyfriend, not her and more importantly you get to decide who you want to socialise with, neither of them.
Does she have a boyfriend herself? Why is she criticising the best friend? She’s created the drama here and it’s a bit bizarre as an adult to have done so.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

At 27 your bff needs to grow up. Nobody has to like each other but people can co-exist and just be polite. It sounds like you are starting to outgrow this friend.

If you'd like to stay friends with your bff I suggest you have a frank conversation with her about her behaviour.

 

[Rxt156]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

I’d say at the ages of 27 and quickly approaching 30 your friend is too old to ask you to choose sides. This ain’t high school no more. She needs to know it is not what adults do. Good luck

 

[tomato_paste]

Hi everyone,
Bit of a long-winded one I apologise! I've (F27) been with my current boyfriend (M27) for around 9 months and we are just about to move in together. My family and most of my friends absolutely adore him and think we are perfect together. For context, my six year relationship with my ex ended pretty traumatically last year and everyone is thrilled to see me happy and being treated how I deserve, I truly have never been happier.

However, there has been an ongoing situation over a couple of months that has been upsetting me. My boyfriend and my best mate (F27) went to school together, they have known each other their whole lives. They didn't keep in touch after school but have obviously now rekindled as a result of our relationship. A few months ago on a night out, my best friend started to really criticise my boyfriends best mate and his relationship (both of whom she also went to school with). It was totally uncalled for and she should have known better than to ag off someone's best friend in front of them. My boyfriend was upset about it and had a conversation with his friend about what she'd said and he was understandably upset. We bumped into them a couple of weeks later where my best friend continued to talk about their relationship in front of him, despite me trying to change the subject a million times.

Cut to a few months later, we were on a night out (me, my best friend and my partner), when we bumped into my boyfriends best mate and his girlfriend. They ignored each other until the end of the night when they were leaving and her sister deliberately barged into my friend which was totally uncalled for. My friend was upset and my boyfriend had a frank conversation with her where he did tell her that he was upset by the comments she had made about his best friend, so he had told him and he was clearly upset by it. We were both mortified by the sister's behaviour and are in no way excusing that. My friend was grateful for the honesty, even though she was upset that he'd told his friend what she'd said (although I'd argue that if someone was saying those things about my best friend, I would also want her to know). She also made it very clear that she didn't want us to speak to the other couple about what had happened. We cleared the air and I thought the situation was in the past.

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends best mate and his partner got engaged and they had an impromtu engagement party. I didn't tell my best friend as I didn't think she'd want to hear about two people she doesn't like getting engaged/thought she would annoyed if it looked like I was 'asking permission' to go. Cut to this weekend, when she saw photos of the party and was incredibly upset. She called me and said that if it was her, she wouldn't have gone to the party at all and that it looked like I was 'choosing' to be mates with them because that's what my boyfriend wants, despite how it makes her feel. I tried to make it very clear that I'm not 'choosing' to be friends with them, but as they are my boyfriend's best friends I am going to have to be around them. I apologised for not letting her know about the party and that I appreciated for her, it looked shady even though in that moment I really thought I was doing the right thing. By the end of the conversation, she accepted (I think) that I am going to have to see them as a result of them being my boyfriends friends and that I will be transparent about when that is happening in the future, but it doesn't mean that I'm best friends with them or excusing their behaviour.

However, as an anxious soul I feel like I'm now just constantly on edge about it all. I can totally appreciate that she is upset and her feelings are valid, but I do think she's putting me in an impossible situation. My boyfriend is here to stay and as a result, so are his friends. I will never be best friends with them but as a fact of life, I am going to have to see them.

Any advice on how you would handle this/how I can stop feeling so anxious about this situation would be really appreciated!!

TLDR: Best friend making me feel guilty for spending time with boyfriends friends

Agree with the other voices here - she needs to grow up. Being civil isn't hard, and trying to control who you're friends with is just a big no. Your circles don't have to overlap either. Its none of her business who you are friends with outside of her.

Did she give you a reason why she dislikes them so much? Were they horrible to her in school or sthg? I would understand her reaction if it was something like her being bullied by them or having abuse heaped on her, but then she's the one that needs to tell you.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

What's a good excuse not to go to a wedding? I don't want to go as I'm pretty sure I won't know anyone there which makes it worse and even if I do know someone it'll be probably 1 person max 2.
But this persons given me over a years notice (still not a year away yet) so I can't really say sorry 'I couldn't get it off work'.
I went to a wedding recently where I knew no one and I just felt awkward didn't have anything to talk to anyone about and they all knew eachother so were talking about things/people I had no idea about.
Plus I really want to go on holiday at the time of year this wedding is but I won't be able to get enough time off for both

 

[Mamacita]

What's a good excuse not to go to a wedding? I don't want to go as I'm pretty sure I won't know anyone there which makes it worse and even if I do know someone it'll be probably 1 person max 2.
But this persons given me over a years notice (still not a year away yet) so I can't really say sorry 'I couldn't get it off work'.
I went to a wedding recently where I knew no one and I just felt awkward didn't have anything to talk to anyone about and they all knew eachother so were talking about things/people I had no idea about.
Plus I really want to go on holiday at the time of year this wedding is but I won't be able to get enough time off for both

I'd just say you already have holidays booked and you won't have enough leave to do both unfortunately

 

[Snippysnips]

What's a good excuse not to go to a wedding? I don't want to go as I'm pretty sure I won't know anyone there which makes it worse and even if I do know someone it'll be probably 1 person max 2.
But this persons given me over a years notice (still not a year away yet) so I can't really say sorry 'I couldn't get it off work'.
I went to a wedding recently where I knew no one and I just felt awkward didn't have anything to talk to anyone about and they all knew eachother so were talking about things/people I had no idea about.
Plus I really want to go on holiday at the time of year this wedding is but I won't be able to get enough time off for both

Either just say you got holidays booked or a family engagement has come up, honestly I wouldn't worry about it, they will have enough family there anyway, when it was my bros wedding he invited friends an only a handful come because they had other things on, another come an stayed for a hour an went, he wasn't fussed because he knew it was going happen, you can't expect everyone

 

[TheGlossy]

I nee some advice to get over some fears / mental block pertaining to dental work.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday due to wisdom tooth pain. The dentist advised the tooth is decaying and will need extraction.

He took x-rays and saw two significant abscesses around the root of two molars and advised extraction was needed because the roots are essentially falling apart (not surprised as I was aware of the root issues but postponed the procedures).

I will need to get implants to replace the two molars (which again I was aware of).

Now, I know I need to get all of this work done and it seems urgent as I need to protect the rest of my teeth and I’ve been quite self-conscious about the state of my teeth. The dentist is highly experienced (20+ years) with a solid training (including training in my birth city overseas where I know dentistry training is good), so I trust his expertise.

The issue is that I’m scared. I’ve had negative experiences with dentists growing up (one orthodontist who pretended they were correcting my overbite for 6 years with braces, when the social security stopped covering the treatment, they removed the braces and said they couldn’t do anything for me and dropped me as a client, overbite left remained in corrected. A few years later, went to a dentist for a check up and he started drilling into one of my molars 2 minutes in, without informing me or explaining anything. He didn’t finish the procedure and left me with a huge hole in my tooth which I had to fix elsewhere).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this? I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

 

[stargirl23]

I nee some advice to get over some fears / mental block pertaining to dental work.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday due to wisdom tooth pain. The dentist advised the tooth is decaying and will need extraction.

He took x-rays and saw two significant abscesses around the root of two molars and advised extraction was needed because the roots are essentially falling apart (not surprised as I was aware of the root issues but postponed the procedures).

I will need to get implants to replace the two molars (which again I was aware of).

Now, I know I need to get all of this work done and it seems urgent as I need to protect the rest of my teeth and I’ve been quite self-conscious about the state of my teeth. The dentist is highly experienced (20+ years) with a solid training (including training in my birth city overseas where I know dentistry training is good), so I trust his expertise.

The issue is that I’m scared. I’ve had negative experiences with dentists growing up (one orthodontist who pretended they were correcting my overbite for 6 years with braces, when the social security stopped covering the treatment, they removed the braces and said they couldn’t do anything for me and dropped me as a client, overbite left remained in corrected. A few years later, went to a dentist for a check up and he started drilling into one of my molars 2 minutes in, without informing me or explaining anything. He didn’t finish the procedure and left me with a huge hole in my tooth which I had to fix elsewhere).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this? I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

No advice but I have SEVERE anxiety especially with dentists. I was having a filling once and felt everything and begged for more anaesthetic and was given none. Switched to a new dentist few years ago and had both bottom wisdom teeth out. I find going in telling them you’re anxious helps as they’re more patient with you and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I genuinely felt nothing! Good luck xx

 

[littlepup]

I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

Look at it this way. Something WILL go wrong of you don’t go again.
Dental decay and infection is linked to a great deal of health issues not just pertaining to the mouth. It’s even been linked to cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s. For the sake of your overall health, you need to get it sorted.
Speak to your dentist and explain your fears, they are well versed in it and can take special measures. You can also talk to your doctor about a calming med/mild sedative or even explore hypnotherapy or general therapy for the fear.
Do what you need to do to get it done, you’ll feel so much better once you have.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

What's a good excuse not to go to a wedding? I don't want to go as I'm pretty sure I won't know anyone there which makes it worse and even if I do know someone it'll be probably 1 person max 2.
But this persons given me over a years notice (still not a year away yet) so I can't really say sorry 'I couldn't get it off work'.
I went to a wedding recently where I knew no one and I just felt awkward didn't have anything to talk to anyone about and they all knew eachother so were talking about things/people I had no idea about.
Plus I really want to go on holiday at the time of year this wedding is but I won't be able to get enough time off for both

Send them a nice gift and card apologising for not being able to come.
You don’t have to give them a reason just RSVP no
---

I nee some advice to get over some fears / mental block pertaining to dental work.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday due to wisdom tooth pain. The dentist advised the tooth is decaying and will need extraction.

He took x-rays and saw two significant abscesses around the root of two molars and advised extraction was needed because the roots are essentially falling apart (not surprised as I was aware of the root issues but postponed the procedures).

I will need to get implants to replace the two molars (which again I was aware of).

Now, I know I need to get all of this work done and it seems urgent as I need to protect the rest of my teeth and I’ve been quite self-conscious about the state of my teeth. The dentist is highly experienced (20+ years) with a solid training (including training in my birth city overseas where I know dentistry training is good), so I trust his expertise.

The issue is that I’m scared. I’ve had negative experiences with dentists growing up (one orthodontist who pretended they were correcting my overbite for 6 years with braces, when the social security stopped covering the treatment, they removed the braces and said they couldn’t do anything for me and dropped me as a client, overbite left remained in corrected. A few years later, went to a dentist for a check up and he started drilling into one of my molars 2 minutes in, without informing me or explaining anything. He didn’t finish the procedure and left me with a huge hole in my tooth which I had to fix elsewhere).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this? I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

I’m not scared of the dentist but could you take some calming tablets before hand?