The advice thread for random problems #4

TheGlossy said:

I am looking to have my apartment oven and extractor fan professionally cleaned.

Do you reckon I need to ask my landlord for permission first?

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We had it done twice in our past rental. I never asked permission but just told landlady it needed doing & did she have a usual person to do it or anyone she’d recommend. She didn’t so we organised it ourselves, and next time I just have gave her a heads up again that the same person was coming.

TheGlossy said:

I am looking to have my apartment oven and extractor fan professionally cleaned.

Do you reckon I need to ask my landlord for permission first?

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I'm actually not sure. I've been thinking about arranging a deep clean of my place too, but was going to ask him for recommendations before I booked.

Slightly random one, but does anyone know if there’s a setting in the Apple mail app to stop calendar invites automatically going into my calendar?

The reason is that I keep getting spam calendar invites which go to my junk folder (which is fine), but if I open the junk folder at all, it syncs with my calendar and I get a spam appointment appear. I then can’t delete it or decline it and it annoys me seeing it there.

I’ve been through the settings menus for email and calendar but can’t see anything that might do it.

Friendship dilemma:

My closest friend and I chat all day every day. Last met in person 1.5 weeks ago. Tentative plans to meet up this week.

She last replied to a message of mine on Tuesday.

Wednesday we last interacted on an online game.

Thursday was absolutely zero activity and I started to get worried something had happened.

Since Friday she has been active on our online games (but not interacting with me/anyone). Not replied or read to any of my messages on any platform.

I do have friends where if I don't hear from them for days/weeks/months it's not worrying or out of character. But with her it is different, it is VERY out of character. But as of yesterday I know she is alive, at least.

My best friend of over two decades ghosted me a couple of years ago, so I think I'm feeling a lot of the pain and confusion and fear of that now, and I don't want to be acting on an impulse to reassure myself/make myself better.

When I realised something was up I sent a "thinking of you/here if you need me" message. I could text, if she is avoiding the apps, or phone (though I know she hates calls). I stood down my plans to message her mum/partner in case something had happened to her, when I saw she had been active yesterday.

She does have various things going on in her life that I could see having a kind of sudden/acute change (family illness, caring responsibilities) but she has never disappeared from communication like this before.

What should I do? What's a "normal" response/course of action? Just think, okay, I know she is alive, and wait for her to get back in touch, if she ever does?

cowtastrophe said:

Slightly random one, but does anyone know if there’s a setting in the Apple mail app to stop calendar invites automatically going into my calendar?

The reason is that I keep getting spam calendar invites which go to my junk folder (which is fine), but if I open the junk folder at all, it syncs with my calendar and I get a spam appointment appear. I then can’t delete it or decline it and it annoys me seeing it there.

I’ve been through the settings menus for email and calendar but can’t see anything that might do it.

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Settings - calendar - accounts then select the account sending you invites and turn off the calendar section

stargirl23 said:

Settings - calendar - accounts then select the account sending you invites and turn off the calendar section

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Thanks, I'll give that a try!

cowtastrophe said:

Thanks, I'll give that a try!

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No worries, hope it works

dinosaursideways said:

Friendship dilemma:

My closest friend and I chat all day every day. Last met in person 1.5 weeks ago. Tentative plans to meet up this week.

She last replied to a message of mine on Tuesday.

Wednesday we last interacted on an online game.

Thursday was absolutely zero activity and I started to get worried something had happened.

Since Friday she has been active on our online games (but not interacting with me/anyone). Not replied or read to any of my messages on any platform.

I do have friends where if I don't hear from them for days/weeks/months it's not worrying or out of character. But with her it is different, it is VERY out of character. But as of yesterday I know she is alive, at least.

My best friend of over two decades ghosted me a couple of years ago, so I think I'm feeling a lot of the pain and confusion and fear of that now, and I don't want to be acting on an impulse to reassure myself/make myself better.

When I realised something was up I sent a "thinking of you/here if you need me" message. I could text, if she is avoiding the apps, or phone (though I know she hates calls). I stood down my plans to message her mum/partner in case something had happened to her, when I saw she had been active yesterday.

She does have various things going on in her life that I could see having a kind of sudden/acute change (family illness, caring responsibilities) but she has never disappeared from communication like this before.

What should I do? What's a "normal" response/course of action? Just think, okay, I know she is alive, and wait for her to get back in touch, if she ever does?

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Yeah I'd wait for her to get in touch. It doesn't sound like she's ghosted you, sounds like she's been busy or something has taken up her time. If it's another few days you could send her a message asking if she had a good new year's eve or saying happy new year.

dinosaursideways said:

Friendship dilemma:

My closest friend and I chat all day every day. Last met in person 1.5 weeks ago. Tentative plans to meet up this week.

She last replied to a message of mine on Tuesday.

Wednesday we last interacted on an online game.

Thursday was absolutely zero activity and I started to get worried something had happened.

Since Friday she has been active on our online games (but not interacting with me/anyone). Not replied or read to any of my messages on any platform.

I do have friends where if I don't hear from them for days/weeks/months it's not worrying or out of character. But with her it is different, it is VERY out of character. But as of yesterday I know she is alive, at least.

My best friend of over two decades ghosted me a couple of years ago, so I think I'm feeling a lot of the pain and confusion and fear of that now, and I don't want to be acting on an impulse to reassure myself/make myself better.

When I realised something was up I sent a "thinking of you/here if you need me" message. I could text, if she is avoiding the apps, or phone (though I know she hates calls). I stood down my plans to message her mum/partner in case something had happened to her, when I saw she had been active yesterday.

She does have various things going on in her life that I could see having a kind of sudden/acute change (family illness, caring responsibilities) but she has never disappeared from communication like this before.

What should I do? What's a "normal" response/course of action? Just think, okay, I know she is alive, and wait for her to get back in touch, if she ever does?

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Are you sure the online activity is 100% reliable as opposed to browser or app refreshing on their own?

If it were me I’d send a short ‘it’s ok if you don’t want to talk but can you just let me know you’re ok so I don’t worry?’ message and then leave it and hope she sends a short reply. Unless there’s a history of harm/self-harm or she’s in a dangerous situation already I’d think contacting her family is a little over the top.

My bestie and I have a similar closeness and she dropped off the radar earlier this year in a similar way. Once she realised how worried I was she replied to let me know she was ok but needed to be alone because of some boyfriend stuff.

Inadvertently started a huge arguement with Mr Lolz. I feel sick about it.
To cut a long story short I called him a shit stirrer round his parents. I genuinely didn’t mean those words so don’t even know why I said them.
He was rightfully fuming and stormed off and left me round his parents.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I sent him an apology text but I know that’s not really good enough.
I’m so upset for hurting him and I know I only have myself to blame.
What would you do?

OnlyHereForTheLolz said:

Inadvertently started a huge arguement with Mr Lolz. I feel sick about it.
To cut a long story short I called him a shit stirrer round his parents. I genuinely didn’t mean those words so don’t even know why I said them.
He was rightfully fuming and stormed off and left me round his parents.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I sent him an apology text but I know that’s not really good enough.
I’m so upset for hurting him and I know I only have myself to blame.
What would you do?

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I think he deserves to know what you actually meant so he can see why you said what you said

I’ve done it many times, blurted out something accidentally savage. He will get over it

OnlyHereForTheLolz said:

Inadvertently started a huge arguement with Mr Lolz. I feel sick about it.
To cut a long story short I called him a shit stirrer round his parents. I genuinely didn’t mean those words so don’t even know why I said them.
He was rightfully fuming and stormed off and left me round his parents.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I sent him an apology text but I know that’s not really good enough.
I’m so upset for hurting him and I know I only have myself to blame.
What would you do?

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I think all you can do is apologise. And if this is a pattern of behaviour for you (rather than one off) explain how you'll address that to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Do you know his 'love language'? Like some people like being bought gifts, or having things done for them, or being told they're loved. Whatever his style is, do that (e.g buy him a gift, write a card saying how much you appreciate him) etc.

Rxt156 said:

I think he deserves to know what you actually meant so he can see why you said what you said

I’ve done it many times, blurted out something accidentally savage. He will get over it

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Popcornshovel said:

I think all you can do is apologise. And if this is a pattern of behaviour for you (rather than one off) explain how you'll address that to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Do you know his 'love language'? Like some people like being bought gifts, or having things done for them, or being told they're loved. Whatever his style is, do that (e.g buy him a gift, write a card saying how much you appreciate him) etc.

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No luckily not a pattern of behaviour but I’ve never seen him so angry. I’ll be honest I am very worried that he will say we are done.
Mr Lolz cuts people off quick and he has been very stressed out lately. I’m scared this has tipped him over the edge and that he will say he’s done.
Even though I’ve not been the cause of the stress.

Anyway I’m now at home, hoping he will come here when he’s calmed down and be forgiving. I’m happy to explain I don’t really think that but who knows if he will believe it.

I just feel sick about it all. And the worst part is if I just said nothing this wouldn’t have happened. But it’s the saying “shit stirrer” that triggered him. And I don’t even mean it

Quick update. Mr Lolz is very angry, rightfully so, but I’m not single at least.
I’ve apologised and made him aware about how bad I feel about it all.
It sounds weird to say I’m happy but it’s because I’m so relieved that we will be ok.
Fingers crossed I don’t open my big gob for the next ten years

OnlyHereForTheLolz said:

Inadvertently started a huge arguement with Mr Lolz. I feel sick about it.
To cut a long story short I called him a shit stirrer round his parents. I genuinely didn’t mean those words so don’t even know why I said them.
He was rightfully fuming and stormed off and left me round his parents.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I sent him an apology text but I know that’s not really good enough.
I’m so upset for hurting him and I know I only have myself to blame.
What would you do?

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maybe this is because I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s so my perspective is coloured…

but conflicts like this aren’t just about how you react and apologise… but a massive learning curve on how your OH reacts.

just because you did something wrong doesn’t mean your partner is entitled to handle it however they want.

storming off? Red flag
Leaving you with his parents? Red flag
being set off in a rage because of something fairly innocuous that you’ve apologised for? Red flag.
my abusive ex would blow up over very small things, make me feel horrendous and use it as an opportunity to make me compliant and apologetic and do whatever he wanted.

after years of therapy and reflection and now being in a healthy relationship… I can look back and wish I’d known what those red flags looked like. a healthy way to navigate conflict would potentially look like;

you blurt out something hurtful. He initially feels hurt and angry, but is able to manage those feelings without reacting. He waits until his parents are gone and then tells you that, what you said actually hurt his feelings and maybe explains why. You explain you didn’t mean to, apologise and promise not to do it again.

saying something a bit mean shouldn’t result in you fearing your relationship will end or you being cut off - that isn’t healthy. That’s not a relationship that allows space for mistakes or learning. That sounds like an anxious attachment style. Im not judging, I have one too. But it made me ripe for exploitive relationships and I’m not saying this to lecture you, but because I want to keep other women safe.

I think it’s fair to point out to Mr Lolz that you’re sorry, but its still rude and reactive to storm out on you and his parents and not really a mature way to navigate conflict.

Has anyone done Hogmanay at Edinburgh? Looking to do it this year but not sure of best hotels to go for, I don't know if I'll be at the castle but I don't want to be completely out the way of where all the festivities will be happening, an if the hotel does a party that's a bonus as I might stay in for a bit before

Looked at the apex as it has views of the castle but folks don't want to stay at grassmarket not sure why, is there mostly idiots around there?

Snippysnips said:

Has anyone done Hogmanay at Edinburgh? Looking to do it this year but not sure of best hotels to go for, I don't know if I'll be at the castle but I don't want to be completely out the way of where all the festivities will be happening, an if the hotel does a party that's a bonus as I might stay in for a bit before

Looked at the apex as it has views of the castle but folks don't want to stay at grassmarket not sure why, is there mostly idiots around there?

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Wouldn't say idiots though probably there would be a few haha but grassmarket is busy with loads and loads of pubs so might be a bit loud? Still, a decent spot for being at the heart of things. Lothian road or bread street are very close to the castle as well. North bridge is close too.

Mamacita said:

Wouldn't say idiots though probably there would be a few haha but grassmarket is busy with loads and loads of pubs so might be a bit loud? Still, a decent spot for being at the heart of things. Lothian road or bread street are very close to the castle as well. North bridge is close too.

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Thanks, I dunno why they don't want grassmarket, it's not as if it's going be the only place that has a few numtys as much as I go into Edinburgh I've never been at any of the hotels or been up during the Xmas/New Year period so I don't know what it gets like

I just don't want Stirling cause I know there's gonna be idiots there, my bro worked at the castle one year an he stayed it's best staying away from it

Snippysnips said:

Has anyone done Hogmanay at Edinburgh? Looking to do it this year but not sure of best hotels to go for, I don't know if I'll be at the castle but I don't want to be completely out the way of where all the festivities will be happening, an if the hotel does a party that's a bonus as I might stay in for a bit before

Looked at the apex as it has views of the castle but folks don't want to stay at grassmarket not sure why, is there mostly idiots around there?

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What about a Premier Inn? I'd always recommend considering them in an unfamiliar city as they are usually well located for the attractions We stayed at one near the station and the city centre is all in close walking distance.
Not been at Hogmany so can't help with that .

Kim Mild said:

What about a Premier Inn? I'd always recommend considering them in an unfamiliar city as they are usually well located for the attractions We stayed at one near the station and the city centre is all in close walking distance.
Not been at Hogmany so can't help with that .

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I don't think there's any premium inns close enough to where I want, Edinburgh isn't really unfamiliar to me as it's only a 40min drive but I've never stayed at any hotels an have never paid attention to where they all are either lol, I do know how to get about the place but just not at Hogmanay as I don't know what will be closed off as up by the castle is ticketed so I know that will all be shut for wandering, hoping the royal mile will be open to some extent though