I noticed some time ago that a colleague of mine is following AE on Instagram and had liked several of her rants (before AE took them down). How am I supposed to sit in a meeting with that person and take them seriously ever again?!
Just wanted to respond to @GoLibrarianPoo and @Just William away from the main thread for fear of triggering anyone...I completely empathise with the experiences of unbelievable lows. My scariest moments were ones where I felt a wave coming over me of really, truly wishing I could leave the world.
My story is a little different though. I was 'diagnosed' with depression, but it didn't sit right with me. I wanted to live an amazing life and spent all my time and energy imagining it and trying to make it a reality. I didn't feel any of the things they say people with depression feel. I was extremely frustrated that I seemed to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back and was in effect spinning my wheels in life. I was bored to tears and my attempts to get something more exciting out of life repeatedly failed. I went through job after job, sometimes being fired but mostly just getting so bored I stopped showing up. I didn't know what was so wrong with me. I couldn't keep friendships going, or relationships - some days I couldn't focus to the end of my own sentence, let alone others' sentences. Other times I'd drive people away by talking too much.
I used to get these incredible lows. They were so scary. I wondered if I was bipolar. My mum called the police on me once because I told her I didn't want to live anymore. They came to my house to do a welfare check and I sat there and sobbed as I told them how I felt. I am afraid that I have been guilty of the 'when I kill myself, you'll listen then, won't you!' tirade. But my sometimes-lacking verbal communication skills combined with the frustration of not really knowing myself what was wrong meant that was really the only way I felt I could get my point across. I felt so alone, not understood and not listened to.
When I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, it made so much sense and after going through all the family interviews and showing school reports from when I was a child, I can't believe it took 30 years to get there. I've opted not to take medication (stimulants) for now - though it's always an option. Instead I've designed my life around my ADHD and try to flow with the tide, not against it. ADHD is so much complex than I know I originally thought, and I wish there was more knowledge about it, especially how it looks in girls/women vs boys.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I know how it feels to be in those places, even though my story is a little different.
I just wanted to say away from the main thread to not feel guilty, there is not very subtle manipulations going on and we are doing nothing wrong.
I don't really want to say any more than that for fear of getting in trouble with the mods and I don't want to keep rocking the boat of an unstable person but that sort of thing is designed to do exactly what it did to you, make you feel bad and make you be quiet.
Come chat with your fellow Turds and Turdettes and leave the crazy world of Bird like SM for the nuts
I'm loving that you have created two safe spaces for us away from the main thread, we all need a break from it and happy animal pics and random chat about what's going on in the world - tattoos is just the ticket!
My ManCompanion just bought me the entire Sharpe collection on DVD, he found it in a charity shop for Β£9.50 bless his heart! I don't often like blondies, but man, Sean Bean can just .... holy crap he do whatever the hell he wants!
Mentally drained I'm just skim reading the main thread now to try and keep abreast of Alice's shenanigans but I'm having a bad week keeping on top of my ADHD as it is so I'm trying to avoid getting sucked in. I have about 5 other tasks I need to do that I'm avoiding as it is so I can't handle the distraction
On a positive note there was a gorgeous sunrise this morning and both cats are happily snuggled in their blankets watching the squirrels in the garden and two of my best friends are expecting a puppy to be born on new year's day. Fur babies for the win every day!
I am failing at practicing any self care at this point in time and falling deeper and deeper into a hole that I can't get myself out of.
Not only is AEs behaviours bringing up all kind of memories about from my past relationships and sending up lots of flare signals about current relationships, I am having such a stressful and shit week at work, we are trying to get repairs completed on the house we just purchased so we can move in next week and we are living out of one room with shit literally every where.
When I'm like this I literally want to do nothing, not even the things that I know will help me. I self medicate with sleeping tablets and sleep until I have to get up and do it over again.
I know I should step away from AE & IG, but it's like watching a car crash, cannot tear myself away. Want to know what happens next.
Hopefully next week I'll be able to move into my new home, have a bath in my delicious spa bath and head to the beach everyday during my break. But in the meantime, I'll drag myself through my days and sleep away my nights (and maybe curb my tattle addiction for a couple of days...)
If you got this far, thanks for taking the time to read. I'll be fine. I've been here many times and it shall pass. I just needed to get it out somewhere.
Wtf? Are you wanted dead or alive like welp now? Do I need to dig my grandpappys old blunderbuss out? Not faced main thread yet done myself in again a little bit.
My ManCompanion just bought me the entire Sharpe collection on DVD, he found it in a charity shop for Β£9.50 bless his heart! I don't often like blondies, but man, Sean Bean can just .... holy crap he do whatever the hell he wants!
My standard reply when anyone says "what can I get you" is "Sean bean naked & hog tied please" although I have to admit these days mostly younger shop assistants who look at me gone out as I chuckle like mad old bag I am
That's it, who is this shit bag? (Will read up in a mo) More importantly massive π«to you, fuck the fuckers please don't let anything stress you & hurt your body
I just wanted to say away from the main thread to not feel guilty, there is not very subtle manipulations going on and we are doing nothing wrong.
I don't really want to say any more than that for fear of getting in trouble with the mods and I don't want to keep rocking the boat of an unstable person but that sort of thing is designed to do exactly what it did to you, make you feel bad and make you be quiet.
Come chat with your fellow Turds and Turdettes and leave the crazy world of Bird like SM for the nuts
I'm loving that you have created two safe spaces for us away from the main thread, we all need a break from it and happy animal pics and random chat about what's going on in the world - tattoos is just the ticket!
Β£9.50?! Mega bargain! Well done your ManCompanion!
ETA: Ps I say that as an unstable person myself, I'm not using unstable as a slur at all here!
Uh oh. This is what I hate about t'internet shall say no more. Huge love to the funny, discerning, caring people here. Also thanks all for brilliant film/prog suggestions I keep a long list of these. Atm am caring full time for mum after heart attacks, bowel rupture, strokes etc she's sliding into vascular dementia, I wouldn't be here now if wasn't for her so my time to pay her back. This is the woman nearly destroyed by my narc dad who never ever bad mouthed him to me. Anyway sorry maudlin tangent but when I get chance to watch stuff properly look forward to suggestions. Thank you Turds π«
I am failing at practicing any self care at this point in time and falling deeper and deeper into a hole that I can't get myself out of.
Not only is AEs behaviours bringing up all kind of memories about from my past relationships and sending up lots of flare signals about current relationships, I am having such a stressful and shit week at work, we are trying to get repairs completed on the house we just purchased so we can move in next week and we are living out of one room with shit literally every where.
When I'm like this I literally want to do nothing, not even the things that I know will help me. I self medicate with sleeping tablets and sleep until I have to get up and do it over again.
I know I should step away from AE & IG, but it's like watching a car crash, cannot tear myself away. Want to know what happens next.
Hopefully next week I'll be able to move into my new home, have a bath in my delicious spa bath and head to the beach everyday during my break. But in the meantime, I'll drag myself through my days and sleep away my nights (and maybe curb my tattle addiction for a couple of days...)
If you got this far, thanks for taking the time to read. I'll be fine. I've been here many times and it shall pass. I just needed to get it out somewhere.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl
I think one of the hard parts in recognising you are in one toxic/abusive relationship is that you can then recognise other toxic/abusive people in your life. It is eye opening and can be really isolating and upsetting.
I deal with stress by hibernating too, it just makes me sad and tired
If it helps at all, maybe I or someone on this thread can do a little spoiler button update here about the main points from the thread for you? That way you won't have to wade through it all and it might help give you a bit of distance on it?
I did with the rational part of my brain. The irrational part carried on spinning its wheels of despair. Better this morning, though. One of the big problems I'm dealing with is CFS: it's so bloody hard to get on with anything when you czn barely sit up...
I used to turn the air blue with wrath at inanimate objects falling down/not behaving as they should, and my Dear Old Bear of a cat would raise his head from his paws, look at me blearily, make that sigh/rumble-purr noise and went to sleep. My ranting never phased him, because he knew that Mummy would never hurt him.
He died four years ago of a sudden onset cancer - it took him within two weeks - and I miss him so desperately. It's a pain that nothing can assuage.
I'm so glad you are feeling better today. I think that's awesome that you managed to override the irrational brain and that your rational brain managed to shout it down well done you!
Sometimes we just have to break the day down into more manageable moments and take each one as it comes
Is it a work supervisor that is pressuring you or is it someone at college/uni? If the latter maybe we could help you with an email to explain your reasons for asking for an extension?
CFS must be so hard to manage, especially when you are feeling down
I'm so sorry to hear you have also had the sudden loss of a beloved boy I'm sending virtual hugs to you both! When I lost my horse I was inconsolable for a long time, it's an almost physical pain
I've found the dog has been the best cure for my anger, I come from an explosively angry, shouty environment but I was always the quiet one.
After my breakdown I found that I had no filter/brakes(?) to my anger and I could no longer keep it in/talk things through without escalating. I'd start out with a grumpy grumble and basically end up loudly ranting about whatever it was. Sometimes over really minor things
When the dog came to me I inevitably ended up having a loud sweary rant about something (think it was my mum but honestly cannot remember), and he went and hid, shaking
I realised then and there that the guy who had abused him had traumatised him enough that any kind of raised voice would send the dog off shivering to hide After coaxing him out for cuddles, apologies and reassurances that I wasn't mad at him and would never shout at him for anything!
I've tried my best and while I still get cross about things (coz I'm human), I am much more in control of myself and don't get loud and shouty about it anymore!
Poor lovely dog has now come to trust me enough, that when I do occasionally forget myself enough to swear loudly in a cross way coz I've stubbed a toe or whatever, he knows it's nothing to do with him and generally doesn't bat an eyelid or will actively come to investigate what's happened He does love to get his big schnoz in about whatever's going down
He is an affectionate goofball but sometimes he wants to be kissed and sometimes he pulls his face away and you get "how very dare you! " face He does what I call "banana dog", he'll come for a cuddle and press himself against your side so you put an arm round him and he curves his head and shoulders away from your body so he is sort of hugging your arm He also used to get picked up and cuddled a lot as a puppy so he will literally throw himself at you when you are sat down and expect to be cradled like a baby This 34kg/5stone tiny baby in my 5'4" less than 9 stone arms - so super comfy! He's at his happiest when he is on you in some way.
You can gauge his happy levels by his breathing, which makes me laugh. The deep happy breathing when he's getting cuddles or proudly showing off his "prize" I call his Darth Vader impression You must also tell him his prize is amazing "What have you got? Oh it's a lovely thing!"
@CookieMonsta FWIW I was thankful for all of your posts in the main thread during that trying time. I felt supported and that was important to me. I hope you don't regret that.
I have to say this thread is kind of filling a gap of social interaction in my life at the minute, so I wanted to say thank you to everyone who is posting here. I'm pretty introverted by nature so I'm not exactly a social butterfly during non pandemic times
Since Covid hit, I have become inevitably more isolated and while I do have friends and family in my life, some times it's easy to realise you've gone a few weeks without really talking to anyone.
It can be hard for anyone who suffers from depression to cope with the extra loneliness that the last few years has brought with it, so I hope that anyone who has been struggling with it has managed to find a little happiness and connection in our little Tribe of Turds, like I have.
I know we've to be careful about oversharing but I've found the snippets I've learnt about you all through these threads fascinating, thought provoking, moving, heartwarming and funny by equal measure
Oh, dogs I'm not a fan of giving too much about myself away online, but we too had to say goodbye to our boy recently after he was diagnosed with cancer just a couple of months earlier, so I just wanted to send hugs to those above talking dog loss. They are family and they are irreplaceable.
You see I have been sympathetic to AE, and IG and BW too. I havenβt picked a side. But when I do a post I am not aggressive with it and I donβt expect everyone to agree. In fact some posts which have an opposite view to mine, sometimes bring me round to their point of view. But you can tell, as mentioned above, who is not open to opposite views. Sometimes they are FMs, some just entrenched. I am not responding to as much as I used to.
Yeah I agree. I've been sympathetic to AE, including the last couple of days. I am definitely preferring this thread at the moment though with our off topic stuff.
Ooh, almost time for a new thread! What shall we call it? I think we should stick to not linking it in the main thread and instead tagging people who want to join in, if everyone is cool with that?
Yesterday felt a bit like the Monday-est Monday That Ever Mondayed so I thought I'd share some Christmas cat pics with you - I don't feel like there will be any FMs ending up here so I'm comfortable posting things that are identifiable
The cats have a Christmas outfit every year - it turns out that our little boy is a 3-6month baby size and his fuzzy sister is a 6-9 these are from a couple of years ago so they probably deserve new ones by now
Thank you for setting it up! I think you are all brilliant xx
I'm just skim reading the main thread now to try and keep abreast of Alice's shenanigans but I'm having a bad week keeping on top of my ADHD as it is so I'm trying to avoid getting sucked in. I have about 5 other tasks I need to do that I'm avoiding as it is so I can't handle the distraction 
and say hello. What with the main thread and Jack Monroe's recent chaos it's hard to keep up.
shall say no more
. Huge love to the funny, discerning, caring people here. Also thanks all for brilliant film/prog suggestions I keep a long list of these. Atm am caring full time for mum after heart attacks, bowel rupture, strokes etc she's sliding into vascular dementia, I wouldn't be here now if wasn't for her so my time to pay her back. This is the woman nearly destroyed by my narc dad who never ever bad mouthed him to me. Anyway sorry maudlin tangent but when I get chance to watch stuff properly look forward to suggestions. Thank you Turds 
thread for you? That way you won't have to wade through it all and it might help give you a bit of distance on it?
well done you!
