Should I tell the kids

[Dinnerbag]

Ex and I split 8 years ago. Long story and don’t want to drip feed so will do bullet points.
family bereavement my side 2010, took really hard spiralled into depression.
ex was/is an alcoholic and became more and more controlling, spending all his wages on booze, I got a part time job to feed the kids, got into loads of debt just putting food on the table and clothing the kids. Whilst working on an evening he would constantly txt me that I was a slag etc etc.
I stupidly thought if I’m going to be called one I may as well be one, in 2012 I had a 6mth affair, not really an affair more just sex.
I stopped it and tried to make my marriage work, but I was getting home from work and the kids would still be awake running riot and he would be passed out on the sofa and wet himself. And that was if I was lucky, if he hadn’t passed out when I got home he would just rant and rave, threaten to burn the house down if I ever left etc etc.
In 2015 I had had enough, I sold some things and managed to raise £4000 gave it to him and told him to get out.
he still saw the kids, although was still drinking and I hated it but I didn’t want to stop contact.
At the end of 2015 he came round to the house kicking off with his new girlfriend calling me a bad mother etc, it got physical and he broke my leg in 3 places.
stupidly I didn’t go to the police, I didn’t want the kids dad arrested.
in 2016 he found out about my affair that took place in 2012.
refused to give me a divorce, I got a new partner, he’s called him every name under the sun to the kids.
covid hit, he didn’t see the kids, had numerous girlfriends that all ended badly. He send eldest DD who is now 19 a message slating me and my new OH.
no Christmas or birthday presents for 2 years, blames me because I had to go via CMS as he kept withholding payments. I asked for half of what the calculator said.
Christmas Day 2022 he sends eldest another message calling me a “cheating C”
now he wants to see the kids and tell them.
so do I tell them about my mistakes, but also tell them about him breaking my leg?
do I tell them about all the abuse I’ve received for the last 8 years since he’s gone?
I don’t know what to do, the only contact he has had since the start of Covid is via text message and that was to slag me off to them. They are 19 and 17 now.

I know I was wrong to cheat, 100% but that wasn’t what ended the marriage.
his controlling manipulative ways was, I’ve had people have a go at me in the street because he’s told them I’ve stopped him seeing the kids, which is a lie.


please some really useful advice would be good here, oh and I got my divorce in 2022 I paid for it and knew I could do it without his signature

 

[yeoooo]

I personally would tell them
But I guess they maybe have formed a reasoned opinion of him themselves already

 

[tomato_paste]

Tell them. They're old enough to understand. Be completely 100% honest with them and don't spare him or yourself. If he didn't want bad things said about himself he shouldn't have behaved like the absolute vile a**h**e he is.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I have a similar situation with my Mum and her ex, who is my 3 siblings Dad. i don’t know my dad, I’m a result of an affair and my Mum has never told me who he was. Me and my siblings reckon it’s because who she cheated with knows their Dad
Anyway, all mine & my siblings’ life it has been a constant ‘he done this’ ‘she done that’ whenever we have been alone with their Dad (i see him a lot and call him my Dad anyway) he will tell us loads of awful stories about our Mum and all the horrible things she has done. Then it’s vice verca with her, she calls him every name under the sun and proceeds to tell us awful stories about everything he has done
Tbh all of us began to take no notice, and at this point none of us know what to believe and tbh we wish that we hadn’t heard any of the stories because it’s just so draining and depressing. It’s always a ‘three sides to every story, hers, his and the truth’ and we’ll never know the truth

So basically what i’m saying is, I personally wouldn’t tell them because it just drains them and it’ll get to a point, if not already, that they’ll have formed their own opinion on their Dad and the situation already

 

[Suzesnooze]

It would be different if you were still together but you've been split up 8 years and divorced plus your kids are old enough, so I would tell them.

 

[Dinnerbag]

Thanks everyone, I don’t know what opinion the kids have of their dad just because I’ve not asked and I don’t comment or pass my own feelings/opinions onto them.
I suppose I’m scared they will hate me, that’s my biggest fear of upsetting them and them hating me

 

[Suzesnooze]

Thanks everyone, I don’t know what opinion the kids have of their dad just because I’ve not asked and I don’t comment or pass my own feelings/opinions onto them.
I suppose I’m scared they will hate me, that’s my biggest fear of upsetting them and them hating me

Just say you're aware he's been telling them stuff about you and ask them if they would like to hear your version of events.

 

[Dinnerbag]

Just say you're aware he's been telling them stuff about you and ask them if they would like to hear your version of events.

That’s a good way of going about it.

would you tell them about the broken leg? I just don’t know if me telling them that seems like I’m just saying it to make him seem worse, I mean the leg was broken in 3 places, had an op and pins on Christmas Eve and wasn’t allowed to walk for 6mth so it was awful, and even now I use a walking stick

 

[shadowcat5]

Before I told them anything I would ask them how they feel about their dad. They may already think he's a low life who's just drunk all the time. If that's the case then you cheating is hardly going to matter all that much. You may just be revealing information they don't really need to know or care to know and making them form an opinion on you they never would have had otherwise.

Personally I wouldn't tell them any of it unless they asked.
1. because I don't think your personal life in that regard is any of their business. You are their parent. They don't need to know mum cheated cause dad was an alcoholic. They shouldn't imo be dragged into the ins and outs of their parents relationship unless they ask or it is necessary they know. I appreciate they are adults (or at least nearly adults) but I don't think telling them is going to benefit them.

2. because sitting them down and telling them all this could make it seem like you are trying to get at them as well like he is doing, especially with the broken leg. All it's going to do is upset them and make them hate their dad. You don't need to justify yourself to your kids. You are a good mother. That is all they need to know and they do know that. Also, the old saying 'give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves' comes to mind. Let him chat his tit and keep silent. He's the one that looks like a fool here. If the kids ask, be honest by all means but I don't think it's necessary for you to drag them into this too like he is doing.

ETA: I say this as a kid who was privy to all of the information regarding my parents separating. My mum's cheating, my dad being a useless partner spending all the money. I can honestly say it has done me 0 favours. I would say let the kids live in some degree of ignorant bliss. They likely already know you're the parent who is there for them.

 

[Suzesnooze]

That’s a good way of going about it.

would you tell them about the broken leg? I just don’t know if me telling them that seems like I’m just saying it to make him seem worse, I mean the leg was broken in 3 places, had an op and pins on Christmas Eve and wasn’t allowed to walk for 6mth so it was awful, and even now I use a walking stick

You definitely should have reported him for the leg then you would have actual proof to show your kids.

I'm not sure I would tell them about the leg. I would tell them about your affair and explain why it happened then I would say that there was a lot more that went on but you're not sure if they need to know it and see if they say they would like to know. I think it depends on what kind of relationship they have with their Dad. If they're close to him then they may not want to believe what you tell them.

 

[Tommyb]

That’s a good way of going about it.

would you tell them about the broken leg? I just don’t know if me telling them that seems like I’m just saying it to make him seem worse, I mean the leg was broken in 3 places, had an op and pins on Christmas Eve and wasn’t allowed to walk for 6mth so it was awful, and even now I use a walking stick

Yes tell them. Please. Iv been in a similar position but as the child. Thank god my mum always told me the truth. The thing is your kids will probably be blaming themselves for the way he is with them because they don't know that this is who he is. I knew what my dad was capable of so when he let me down I knew it wasn't my fault and was just that he wasn't capable of being a dad. But I watch my half sister hate herself for thinking she was the problem and it's her fault he didn't love her. Please tell them. Just say you are not stopping them from seeing him but they need to understand this is who he is and it's not their fault. Xx

 

[Dinnerbag]

I’ve taken everything on board, it’s just the thought of him telling them and twisting it and making it sound far worse than it is/was. Idk I was in such a bad place mentally and had him saying some awful stuff at the time about my close relative that died, I just turned to what I needed, not to be mum, wife, relative of the person that died in a horrific way, I just needed to be “dinner bag”
Even now just thinking back to that time makes me all anxious and shaky

 

[shadowcat5]

I’ve taken everything on board, it’s just the thought of him telling them and twisting it and making it sound far worse than it is/was. Idk I was in such a bad place mentally and had him saying some awful stuff at the time about my close relative that died, I just turned to what I needed, not to be mum, wife, relative of the person that died in a horrific way, I just needed to be “dinner bag”
Even now just thinking back to that time makes me all anxious and shaky

I think the fact that you feel guilt shows you are a good person. I think it's time you forgave yourself for this and look at how much you tried to do to make your relationship work. You gave it all and all he did was take, take, take. How dare he get to make you feel bad after everything HE did. He contributed nothing to the relationship, meanwhile, you got into debt trying to feed your kids, didn't report a crime in fear of the reprecussions for them. You put everyone else first constantly. You sound like a lovely mum too, they are lucky to have you!
It sounds like all you really wanted was just one thing for yourself and you found that in the affair. Okay 2 wrongs don't make a right but on the tally of wrongs and rights here, he is winning the wrongs by landslide. You made a mistake in desperate circumstances, that is okay

 

[Dinnerbag]

I think the fact that you feel guilt shows you are a good person. I think it's time you forgave yourself for this and look at how much you tried to do to make your relationship work. You gave it all and all he did was take, take, take. How dare he get to make you feel bad after everything HE did. He contributed nothing to the relationship, meanwhile, you got into debt trying to feed your kids, didn't report a crime in fear of the reprecussions for them. You put everyone else first constantly. You sound like a lovely mum too, they are lucky to have you!
It sounds like all you really wanted was just one thing for yourself and you found that in the affair. Okay 2 wrongs don't make a right but on the tally of wrongs and rights here, he is winning the wrongs by landslide. You made a mistake in desperate circumstances, that is okay

You have just made me cry. That is such a nice thing to say thank you

 

[Dinnerbag]

Hi guys, just an update, I’ve told eldest dd. She was ok about it, I didn’t go into specifics I just said I had sex, it wasn’t what caused the marriage to break down. I was wrong. I also told her about my leg. I then asked her if there was anything she wanted to ask, she asked what happened with the leg? And also asked why I’m telling her now, I explained her dad wants to see her again, he thinks they have a right to know about me having cheated and that it was something he has held over me for years. I said I regretted it, I also regretted not going to the police about my leg and then he might of left me alone for the last 8 years. She just said why do I want to see him, I’m an adult now a different person, I don’t like Harry Potter, I’m covered in tattoos that he hates and why would I want to see him after he did that to you

just got to tell DS when he gets in from work tonight.

thanks everyone for your support xx