Should I be single? How?

[poollounger]

Do you mind me asking how the break up went? I don’t want to hurt him. I know ultimately I will, but the best at way to do it x

I had to tell him that I was having doubts about our future together because it ended up manifesting in physical anxiety for me (anxiety attacks which would build up all day and accumulate in a panic attack each evening, literally for weeks it was awful) and I obviously couldn't hide that from him. We thought it could just be from spending 24/7 together through lockdown so he went back to his parent's house and we had a 'break' although still spoke most days. Essentially, I felt relieved when he was gone and didn't miss him much even after a few weeks but still had anxiety about being in the relationship. I had to break up with him over facetime as his parent's house is over 2 hours away. I felt awful that I couldn't do it in person but the strain on my mental health was just too much to wait. I basically just explained that the anxiety I had was telling me it wasn't right, even though I couldn't pinpoint a specific reason why which was hard for him. I also told him that he deserved someone who was 100% sure of their feelings and that couldn't be me, and that it genuinely was me - not him, as cliche as that sounds. I think being honest is the only way to go or you risk hurting him more if he finds out you told someone else the real reason or whatever.

We spoke on/off for about a week after but I had to ask to go no contact in the end as texting each other was more of a habit that needed breaking - I knew I didn't want to get back together and didn't want to give him false hope. Despite being the one doing the dumping I was still a wreck for at least 2 months as he was my first love and I felt so so so guilty for breaking his heart as well as feeling incredibly lonely after having someone with me 24/7 for months. I just didn't realise how much of a stress it was thinking I would be with my first love forever lol I know that sounds stupid but I really felt pressure to stay together because he didn't do anything wrong!

It has been around 9 months now and I'm so glad I made the decision to end things, even though life atm isn't going great for me due to other factors at least I'm not stressing about a relationship

 

[Amyb97]

I had to tell him that I was having doubts about our future together because it ended up manifesting in physical anxiety for me (anxiety attacks which would build up all day and accumulate in a panic attack each evening, literally for weeks it was awful) and I obviously couldn't hide that from him. We thought it could just be from spending 24/7 together through lockdown so he went back to his parent's house and we had a 'break' although still spoke most days. Essentially, I felt relieved when he was gone and didn't miss him much even after a few weeks but still had anxiety about being in the relationship. I had to break up with him over facetime as his parent's house is over 2 hours away. I felt awful that I couldn't do it in person but the strain on my mental health was just too much to wait. I basically just explained that the anxiety I had was telling me it wasn't right, even though I couldn't pinpoint a specific reason why which was hard for him. I also told him that he deserved someone who was 100% sure of their feelings and that couldn't be me, and that it genuinely was me - not him, as cliche as that sounds. I think being honest is the only way to go or you risk hurting him more if he finds out you told someone else the real reason or whatever.

We spoke on/off for about a week after but I had to ask to go no contact in the end as texting each other was more of a habit that needed breaking - I knew I didn't want to get back together and didn't want to give him false hope. Despite being the one doing the dumping I was still a wreck for at least 2 months as he was my first love and I felt so so so guilty for breaking his heart as well as feeling incredibly lonely after having someone with me 24/7 for months. I just didn't realise how much of a stress it was thinking I would be with my first love forever lol I know that sounds stupid but I really felt pressure to stay together because he didn't do anything wrong!

It has been around 9 months now and I'm so glad I made the decision to end things, even though life atm isn't going great for me due to other factors at least I'm not stressing about a relationship

That’s really brave of you to end things. You’re right in that there is a certain pressure. People tend to ask “why” when a break up ends. Like they expect some kind of scandal. I’m pleased you feel better for ending the relationship and hope that the other areas of your life do get better for you x

 

[poollounger]

That’s really brave of you to end things. You’re right in that there is a certain pressure. People tend to ask “why” when a break up ends. Like they expect some kind of scandal. I’m pleased you feel better for ending the relationship and hope that the other areas of your life do get better for you x

This is so true. I found myself almost wishing he had been a wick and done something wrong/hurt me so I wouldn't feel like such a horrible person for breaking up with someone who was nothing but nice to me.

All I say is take your time figuring out how you're going to end things and set boundaries with contact afterwards & possible conflicts that might come up. I'm really glad that our breakup was civil with no big arguments and I think it's because I didn't lie or sugarcoat how it was ie. 'we are not getting back together in the future and I would prefer if we didn't talk for at least a few months'. Saying that, don't leave it too long! I promise you'll be happier in the long run x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You are so very young. It sounds like you have just naturally outgrown the relationship with him. At your age, id tell you to just end it with him and then get on with your own life - concentrate on yourself, your career, your own friends & family, do things you enjoy,travel as soon as the world opens up again. You are way too young to stay in a relationship that you have already emotionally checked out from and honey - you are too young to be stuck in a relationship where the sex isn’t good!!!!! Cut your losses, end it and enjoy the freedom of being single in your 20s!!!!

Do you mind me asking how the break up went? I don’t want to hurt him. I know ultimately I will, but the best at way to do it x

The best way to break up is to just be completely honest with him. Tell him that for you, it’s over, that he hasn’t done anything but that while you care about him you aren’t in love with him anymore and that you want the pair of you to have the chance to you your separate ways and enjoy the next chapter of your lives. Dont give him any false hope - don’t say you’ll stay friends or that you’ll see how a break goes or anything like that - just say what you’ve said to us on here and then you make arrangements to move out etc

 

[Amyb97]

Thank you so much for your help everyone!! Couldn’t do it without this support x

 

[Bleurghgram]

I had all of these thoughts about someone I was with when I was 27. I thought I’d have to settle because I was starting to think about marriage and kids but I knew it wasn’t right.

Starting over again was hard (and I imploded the relationship in the worst way rather than being honest with myself and him) but I’m in a completely different place now at 30 than I was then. I’ve learnt I don’t have to put pressure on myself to do what society expects and it’s absolutely fine to carve my own path so long as I’m happy.

 

[DoctorWho]

If you’re asking these questions then I’m afraid that says it all 24 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you! Don’t settle for average x

 

[squiggle91]

I’m sort of in the same place I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years this year we planned to start trying for a baby after a devastating miscarriage last year however lately I’m just doubting I even want to be with him at all I don’t feel attracted to him anymore physically and I can’t help but think he’s boring and too clingy he’s currently living with his dad due to him having poor health and every time he suggests meeting up I make up excuses so I don’t have to see him which is awful and when we do meet we don’t talk we have sex which doesn’t last long at all and then cuddle then I leave to go home.

he’s the perfect guy on paper but I just don’t feel it anymore which is terrible I have wondered if it’s me I’ve been on the frontline working with covid all year and to be honest I’m exhausted all I want to do is sleep also my mood has been so low lately i suffer with depression and my mood can change quick.I just don’t know what to do a part of me feels I should break it off another part of me wonders whether there’s something wrong with me or a rough patch we’re going through.I also can’t help but compare myself to friends and sisters my older sister has two little boys and a lovely house my younger sister is currently looking for a house with her boyfriend to buy and I still live at home with my mom out of guilt of not leaving her completely alone.

I’m also 30 in October and worry I’ll never have a baby if I leave him or meet someone else which is a awful excuse I sometimes think if I feel like this now how will I cope feeling like it with a newborn baby

sorry for the rambling to be honest it feels nice just to get it all out

 

[WilmaHun]

Thank you so much for your help everyone!! Couldn’t do it without this support x

Make sure you update us all, I was wondering about you last night. Hope everything is ok x

 

[Bubble And Squeak]

You never know he could be feeling the same but doesn’t want to admit it to himself or doesn’t realise it yet. I’m 23 and my boyfriend of 4 and a half years broke up with my last year - yes I was upset, but at the same time it was kind of a relief. I don’t think I would have ever broke up with him cause I would have been to scared - but good on you!!! However, I probably didn’t want to be with him either but just didn’t want to admit that to myself, now I’m much much happier and glad that he done it

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I was very much like you. Early 20’s was in a long term, a few years in wasn’t feeling that I was in love with him but did love him. Didn’t enjoy the sex. Muddled along for over 10 years until he cheated. I walked out and had to start my whole life again. If you’re feeling like this now, you’ll probably definitely feel it more in your 30’s. Don’t stay with someone because you think you’re running out of time. I’m grateful I never had kids with my ex because I wouldn’t want him in my life now. I had time out on my own as a single girl (4years) and I realised more about myself in that time than I ever had. I got to know me, not a version of me that I was willing to give to another man if that makes sense. Ended up meeting someone else totally randomly. I couldn’t imagine being any happier than I am with this person. 3 years and going strong as day one. It’s how I should have felt and been made to feel. Yes I’m older, but I’m more established. I own my own home and am confident in myself and what I want and need from a relationship, rather than just giving what someone is willing to take. You’ve got plenty time. It is scary. But he might be feeling the same and it could all go horribly wrong Yeats down the line. Trust your gut because it’s usually right. Best to end it on a high then wait for it to get to a point where even a friendship isn’t able to be saved. You’ll be just fine. You make so many friends at all stages of life x

 

[rememberwayne]

Girrrrl.. take it from someone who have been there... If you're asking all these questions... you are already out of the relationship.

Don't waste your precious time.

Very much my thinking too

 

[mindlessness]

You've had some great advice already. I wanted to add, if people ask questions afterwards, feel comfortable telling them to mind their own business! You're right that by nature we all love a bit of a scandal, but that doesn't justify someone being nosy or wanting all the gossip disrespecting your boundaries.

I hope that moving forward both you and your partner can find happiness and enjoy the rest of your 20s, whether that is together to apart.

 

[NMK]

Oh hunny this was me, I was 24, unhappy about to leave we both knew it was never right! I fell pregnant we both absolutely adore our daughter but unfortunately when she was a few weeks old we split up! Was horrible horrendous and honestly SO SO much harder when children are involved! Having her away from me while she is with her daddy is horrendous I miss her so much. I have since met someone new at work 2 years later + we now live together and I’m extremely happy in the relationship I had that fear of never meeting someone new don’t stay + be unhappy 🤍

 

[under the ivy]

24 is so young, in a non-patronising way. I was in long-term relationships from being 19 to 27. My 4 year relationship ended nearly a year ago and although I was heartbroken (thought he was the one), I realise how happy I am single now. It was a blessing in disguise. Physically he was perfect in my eyes but emotional, he was unavailable and a commitment-phobe. I do feel like I wasted a good portion of my 20s in relationships but it doesn't matter how old you are - we need to remove ourselves from the normative narrative that you meet someone in your 20s, marry and have kids in your 30s.

I hope you figure out the right path for you OP x

 

[Flossy2019]

This is the hardest part that there is no real reason... it’s just the way I feel. Thank you for your advice

Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason. When I was 21 I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. He wanted marriage kids Etc and I just didn’t want him. I woke up one morning and just didn’t want it. Just means he’s not the right one for you or that the relationship isn’t giving you what you want anymore