Sexless Relationships?

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Looney toons

Is there a possibility he's gay? And you are just for appearances?
 
Reactions: 5

spirals

Been married 20 years, 2 kids. Have had sex once in the last 9 years. The time before that is when we conceived our son.
It's terrible. Mostly I just put it out of my mind or take care of myself. Now that the children are older (9 and 15) I am trying to find the courage to walk away. I have tried talking to him about it but he is simply not interested. Tested his testosterone and it was fine. The worst thing is not the lack of intimacy but the fact that he doesn't give a crap that I am unhappy and refuses to discuss it. I do love him otherwise I would have left a long time ago.
 
Reactions: 8

Riggs

Really jarring to hear about so many people that have other halves that don’t want to cater to their needs too. Really surprised by how selfish some people can be in regards to their partners desires and sexual needs. Sex drives between partners vary of course but if people aren’t in the mood for full sex then that’s cool however to not even bother to kiss partner or touch them in anyway for such a length of time is insane to me.

Its one thing having partners who don’t put as much effort in anymore when you have been together for so long but when people are talking about 9 years+ without sex or in some cases ANY intimacy at all and them not being happy (understandably) it’s really surprised me when their partners don’t seem to care when it’s brought up.
 
Reactions: 6

nobrains

Been with my hubby for 8 years. We used to have sex alot, then I got pregnant with our son and it dwindled. Our son is now 16 months and we've had sex 3 times since he was born. We have a mixture of problems 1) I dont feel confident because I never get time to 'prepare' 2) my husband doesnt come to bed he stays up playing on his xbox,when we have had sex he's gotten up after and gone to play it which makes me feel abandoned and cheap 3) I don't know if I am attracted to him anymore. I love him but I'm pretty sure it's more of a friendship love. I know I am capable of 'fancying' someone as I see men often and think wow but not about hubby. We've had issues besides sex and then sex has come up and he refuses to seperate as we have a house etc. I don't know what to do. I also feel like I wouldn't find anyone again because no one would want me.


P.S. sorry I felt like I was writing in a diary or something. Ive never been able to write or speak about how I feel. It's cathartic
 
Reactions: 9

Riggs

Always horrible hearing stories like this, kids can obviously have a big effect on sex lives but it’s up to the couples to come to a compromise together and make that time for each other.

While I can understand your enthusiasm dulling due to lack of preparation time I would guarantee your husband wouldn’t be bothered by that aspect. At the same time while I think it’s important to retain your hobbies and interests “staying up all night playing Xbox” is not a priority and can be done at any point.

I can fully understand your thoughts about him walking off straight afterwards to go back and play with it. He clearly finds time for that so should have plenty of time for you too. I wouldn’t stand for that and as a man I can’t understand why someone would ever think that is ok.

Never apologise for speaking your mind and getting things out there, it’s important to communicate these things and hear other opinions. Very easy to be in a bubble and normalise behaviour that is anything but normal.
 
Reactions: 5
T

Titntat

Seriously doesn't bother me I'd happily have it once a month.
My partner on the other hands like a dog on heat all the time. Cant even bend over with him trying to poke me. Weve been together 10+ years with two kids (ones 6m).
I don't feel great in my self, normally in pjs, not saved my legs in about 3 months, lucky if I get a quick shower a day.
If weve ever had a dry spell we normally spice it up, have date night, a few drinks, a new purchase of love honey (recommend a vibrating wand)
It is sad the amount of people on here that dont have the same amount of intimacy.
He even made a joke to the surgeon about it as I was being stitched up after the baby was born
But if there not interested and your not happy fuck them off. Start saving a little secretly for a few months and do it. Harder said than done I know.
 
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Laur91

I must ask a question, from someone who doesn’t have children and admittedly is slightly more nervous to after reading this thread..why does the arrival of children seem to instantly put people off having sex with their partners/realise they don’t fancy them anymore etc? Is it the exhaustion or do you see someone differently after having a child with them? I always assumed it would make you see them differently but in a positive way yet a lot of these comments are negative?
 
Reactions: 3

karmadrama

Been with my husband 11 years and got three kids (youngest is 7) and we have sex a few times a week. As we’ve got older and experimented with different things the sex has just got better. I could go much longer than he could without it because being a wife and mum and everything else is bloody tiring and sometimes I just can’t be bothered. But certainly not weeks or months. I think sex is so important in a relationship, not saying it’s impossible to be happy without it but personally I can’t imagine not having that intimacy. Makes me quite sad the amount of comments from people where sex is just non existent.

Oh and just to echo what somebody else said... get yourselves a wand vibrator, they are literally insane!!
 
Reactions: 5

TheWitchIsBack

I died on the operating table having my kid and my husband was in the theatre when it happened. He treated me like a delicate flower for a long time after it as I had a lot of complications and blood loss.

There’s also the not sleeping for months, I had crippling post natal depression and the resentment of him getting to go back to work while I had given up a really successful career to look after a child I had no emotional attachment with because instead of bonding with them I was in ICU.

It took three years for us to recover from this, and that was with psychiatric intervention for me and a really big wake up call for him in another area of his life and right now we’re still fighting but it is getting better.

Good luck to anyone struggling on this thread, it’s sad to see so many going through this but comforting to know you’re not alone.
 
Reactions: 3

Riggs

In my case it has nothing to do with my wife and I as such. I find her just as attractive and would happily have sex every day. It’s more a case of not only are you are both exhausted physically and mentally, when they are young they are in your room and personally we found it a little difficult to get used to having sex while they are next to the bed. You are conscious of noise, movement and any sign of them waking etc so puts you a little on edge.

As they get older and move to their own room you tend to have a monitor of sorts with sound on it your room. Again we were conscious of hearing noises and crying over it.

As they get even older than that and can leave their room of their own accord it’s that they could walk in at any moment so spontaneous sex goes a little out of the window. By the time the kids are in a deep enough sleep for you to “get to it” without keeping one eye on the door one of us has normally fallen asleep.

Pretty much same situation and with 3 kids also and I think it’s really important to keep that intimacy. Been thinking of getting my wife a wand to be honest, little harder to hide in a drawer and keep away from prying children hands however.
 
Reactions: 3

karmadrama

Riggs said:
Pretty much same situation and with 3 kids also and I think it’s really important to keep that intimacy. Been thinking of getting my wife a wand to be honest, little harder to hide in a drawer and keep away from prying children hands however.
Click to expand...
Mine isn’t one of those huge ones, the smaller ones do the job perfectly fine too
 
Reactions: 2
S

Sp20191

For me sex was so much better once I had a baby....not sure why but it was easier to orgasm and just better (had c sections tho!) the frequency has changed and it’s probably once every few weeks, tiredness, and just generally finding the time x
 
Reactions: 1

Strawberry Delight

Me and my husband haven’t had sex for over 18 months. We’ve been together for 22 years and married for 18. We have 3 kids 20, 12 and 10. On 12 year old has special needs and is hard work haha. He tells me he loves me all the time and gives me a hug but that’s it. We had a period a few years ago and it really bothered me. We talked about it and things did improve but have since dwindled again. Now I’m not arsed....I’m done with trying to find out why.
 
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WatchingandJudging

You deserve to be happy, loved, cared for and to feel wanted. Leave his sorry arse! Trust me, I was with someone like this 13 years ago and he never once told me he loved me and was emotionally abusive, we separated after 3 yrs.

I am with a new guy now getting married this year and this ex is still single, lonely and a fuck wit! He even tried getting back in contact and to reconcile all this time later..

What goes around comes around and he will get his day! Don’t waste precious time on someone that will never change!
 
Reactions: 3

Missy92

I think it’s very common for women to not be bothered about sex but find it very unusual when men aren’t (talking from experience with friends) most of my friends male partners that don’t want sex have either turned out to be gay or having an affair
I do think a sexless relationship can work but very rarely as I think you both have to be 100% on the same page about genuinely not wanting it.
 
Reactions: 3

Laur91

what is it about him that makes you stay? Sorry but from your comment it seems like there’s no real good reason, it sounds like he treats you terribly?! You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you. life is too short not to.
 
A

Alexi92

Laur91 said:
what is it about him that makes you stay? Sorry but from your comment it seems like there’s no real good reason, it sounds like he treats you terribly?! You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you. life is too short not to.
Click to expand...
No clue. In fact he doesn’t even have a job right now. I’ve also been having some really bad family problems over the last few weeks and I feel like he hasn’t supported me at all I understand some situations are hard to sympathise with but even so. I suppose I am afraid of being alone
 
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C

Che Guevara

Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.
We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out . We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling
 
Reactions: 5
G

Greencatfysh

I can’t comment on this in much detail as you are going through more than I ever did. But after ending a relationship of 6 years with someone I thought I’d marry, the pure relief and elation that comes from being single and independent after all of that, crying and being miserable all day, outweighs any wish I’d had that we could have stayed together or any love I felt for him. Don’t underestimate yourself and what you can achieve and don’t be scared to be alone, because ultimately you won’t be. And if eventually you meet someone else, that’s just a cherry on top
 
Reactions: 7
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