Sexless Relationships?

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ComeonLen

Riggs said:
However if someone was confident enough to do them when they were first together and barely knew the other person why is it that suddenly people lack the confidence once they have been together a little while?
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Very very interesting point!

Boredinstagrammer29 said:
Well yay for Xmas sex! Happy be was receptive and took the convo well
Met Xmas all round
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Feeling a bit like Scrooge when he wakes up on Christmas Morning & realises he’s not dead!
 
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Riggs

ComeonLen said:
Feeling a bit like Scrooge when he wakes up on Christmas Morning & realises he’s not dead!
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Long may it continue and hope things continue on the up for you and you have a fantastic Christmas together and get that intimate time you crave.
 
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JellyWobbles

I’m in my late 20s, have 2 kids.
Me and my husbands sex life was almost dead in the water after a bad bowt of depression and lack of self confidence (from me) it was frustrating for us both but upsetting as I felt I was letting him down. I spoke candidly to him and said we both (mostly, I) need to make more effort. I bought some sex toys and I actually had the Depo shot which just changed everything. It’s gave us a new lease of life and spontaneity now we don’t have to fiddle with condoms.
Things are going well! Either way I hope you can figure things out. A lot of people just aren’t that bothered for it. X
 
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ohok

I was in this situation with my partner of (almost) 7 years.

It might be a different issue to the one you’re having, but I wanted to have sex with people but just not him. I loved him dearly as a friend but the intimacy just wasn’t there. For ages we blamed this and that - MH, finances etc but those things improved and the sex never came back.

We split this year and it was really hard because I didn’t want to lose my best friend. Our relationship hasn’t really changed though except we live in different houses now, we still have dinner together and stare at our phones in front of the TV twice a week
 
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Alexi92

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years and we’ve not had sex for at least 18 months. At first it was all the excuses tiredness, depression, money, etc (all his end) but things have improved and nothing has happened. He’s never even said I love you He said he can’t love me as I don’t love myself which isn’t true. He says he cares about me but is not in love with me and never has been. We don’t even kiss anymore. Well I kiss him but nothing from him. He says I’m free to leave and find someone else but I don’t understand the situation and it breaks my heart. I’m almost 28 and he is 35 and I feel like we should be progressing but it’s not. He’s not depressed or anything either so it’s just me
 
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PineappleQueen19

You deserve affection, love, desire, and everything else your heart wants x
 
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SisterBliss

Be very careful. By logic, if this is how he feels, he should have left of his own accord. The fact he stayed, is giving you a cold shoulder and gaslighting you about your self-esteem sounds like deliberate manipulation and passive aggressive controlling behaviour. If I were you I’d get out of that relationship asap, even if he begs you to stay, even if it breaks your heart now. You will get over it, but every year spent with that kind of person will make it harder. Like others have said, you deserve warmth, love, loyalty, support, intimacy and you need to be free to accept it from someone more worthy of your time. Don’t let some asshole play mind games on you. All the best! xx
 
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Alexi92

Thanks for your advice It’s just hard as he’s a really nice person and has lots of friends and I look forward to seeing him but he’s so cold towards me when it comes to romance intimacy love etc His mum doesn’t even know about me
 
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SisterBliss

Anytime hun, I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships so I tend to spot male narcissists from a mile off You are obviously emotionally invested in the relationship, which just shows you are a kind and loving person. And it’s been going on for some time (3 years). Usually what helps is remembering what hooked you in the first place, and contrast his behaviour then with his behaviour now. Emotionally abusive men “love bomb” to get you hooked and then over time start withholding love and getting you to do more and more for them, as you struggle to figure out what went wrong and you blame yourself. They can also use hot and cold approach and get you to be happy with absolute crumbs of affection after a while, eroding your belief that you are worthy of something better. Give yourself some time and try to observe the situation impassionately (as much as you can). Try withholding your affection and see how he reacts. And look up YT videos about emotional abuse and covert narcissists, there are quite a few good ones, some done by therapists other by survivors. See if it helps. xx
 
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sarahboo

Just to confirm what everyone else is saying, you deserve to be loved & to have all the lovely things you want out of a relationship! I'd be seriously concerned if my OH hadn't said he loves me in three years of being together and said I could leave and find someone else, that seems quite manipulative to me but don't want to comment further as I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship! Personally, I don't like myself very much & put myself down all the time, my OH says this can be difficult for him sometimes but that's never stopped him loving me, that just seems like an excuse to pin it on you rather than his own issues. You deserve love & affection & someone who puts in the same time, energy & devotion you do to the relationship.
 
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Looney toons

As the saying goes hes just not that into you.. Break free and find your true love you deserve better love. Drop him he ain't interested, run free
 
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Alexi92

Looney toons said:
As the saying goes hes just not that into you.. Break free and find your true love you deserve better love. Drop him he ain't interested, run free
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Thank you
 
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LaurieLaurie

Are you sure he’s your boyfriend? Doesn’t sound like you are together.
 
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Riggs

Great that things have worked out for you and hope it continues that way. Glad that just by being more communicative and open minded has also given yku

Doesn’t sound like he’s being very nice to you at all and no-one should have to put up with that in life never mind in a relationship. The fact his mum doesn’t know about you after so long should speak volumes about how much he values you. Sorry you have had to go through that.
 
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abitfairytale

I've been with my husband for 17 years, married for almost 13 years.

Sex life pretty 'normal' until 10 years ago when I had my DD - had a bit of a traumatic birth which resulted in a pro-lapsed uterus/bladder. I'll admit that ever since I've avoided sex where-ever possible. It happens every 5-6 months, purely just to 'do it'. Husband doesn't voice his dismay at that, and is still affectionate, but I can tell he'd prefer it to be more frequent.

Truth is, sex is very uncomfortable due to the prolapse. I also need to pee very urgently afterwards (sexy!). I don't really see an end out of this. We do other stuff (though not oral), but it's not the same.

I love my husband very much. I still fancy him immensely, I've loved him since pretty much day 1 and always will, he's my lobster (Friends reference!). But the discomfort sex brings has reduced my drive hugely. I've had physiotherapy, but surgery is my next option.
 
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Horatio

Ah sorry you’ve had to go through so much pain - and that it’s had that sort of impact on you and your relationship . What’s ‘DD’ if you’ll forgive me ignorance?

But you sound quite resigned to accepting things as they are. Are their steps you could take that might help ? And not just physical - maybe mental too? I understand the effect of the prolapse has changed it for you but sometimes after a trauma a lot of the consequences that seem purely physical can at least be helped by working through the impact it had on you mentally. I just think because of the way you talk about him - not just in love but in lust still, and that he doesn’t nag or make you feel bad about not having sex more, it sounds you have lots of good stuff to work with...hope I’m not sounding to presumptive, I accept I only know the very small amount you’ve shared but I hope you don’t feel offended by the therapy suggestion! I honestly think it sounds like you’re in a great relationship - lobster indeed
 
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Dizzy

It sounds like you and your husband have so many positives in your relationship. Have the surgery, get things back to where they were (and can still be). I know it’s not as simple as that but from what you’ve said I’m sure you won’t regret having the surgery. I’ve had a couple of big ops which have made such a difference to my life so I’m a big advocater of making changes if you can.
 
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