Nodi504
Chatty Member
Today’s recap is written in the format of an interview between Kurt Tilse and the Daily Mail Report. After the success of their article “Kurt Tilse says he considered becoming a stripper and a drug dealer when he was ‘severely broke’ before meeting YouTuber wife Sarah Day”, Daily Mail decided to host an interview at their house. The following is a transcript.
Interviewer: Morning Kurt, how’s it going?
Kurt: Yeah nothing much, mate. Can’t complain.
Interviewer: So, tell me about your life prior to meeting Sarah. How were you making it by?
Kurt: Oh it was horrible. I got broken up with my girlfriend at the time…decided not to go to uni, was working trade. But even back then, I knew photography was my passion. Spent all my money at cameras and camera lenses to the point I couldn’t even afford rice and tuna on some weeks. At one point, I was like, F*ck it. I saw an episode of Breaking Bad and then decided, I’mma deal some drugs. Then, at one nightout, one of my mates was like, “Yo, Kurt, no homo mate, but you lookin’ extra beefy tonight. Wanna strip for some cash?” I was like, “Yeah the boys!”
Interviewer: So, did you actually do it? Or were you simply thinking of it?
Kurt: Oh nah, nah. Yeah, nah. I was still living with my parents at the time.
(The interviewer looks confused, but decides to move on.)
Interviewer: So, tell me about Sarah. What do you like the most about being married to her?
Kurt: (points at the house) Living in this massive house.
Interviewer: Isn’t this your house too?
Kurt: Yeah, but its under Sezzy’s name. And Sezzy paid for most it, so.
Interviewer: But you’re married to her. Don’t you share most of your expenses like most couples?
Kurt: Nah, we don’t. We do things the way that are best for us. Well, even though me and some of my tradie friends built this house, I don’t practically own it.
Interviewer: How do you share parenting? Is it 50/50?
Kurt: Well….technically not. In the morning, I look after Focks, as Sezzy goes for a workout. Then, usually throughout the day I would be running around Focks, then in the evening, I cook dinner, while Sezzy goes out for a walk…after dinner, I snuggle up with Focks and give him a bath. Then I put him to bed.
Interviewer: Sounds like you do a lot, Kurt. How is Sarah involved in this?
Kurt: Uh…nah, she still does mum duty now and then. (scratches head) Around uh, two days a week. But even then, she usually blows up my phone during it. Even when I was at the hospital the other day she kept calling me to get home so that she could smash out a workout.
Interviewer: You were at the hospital?!
Kurt: Yeah, was having strange heart attack-like symptoms. It was super weird. Sezzy keeps telling me how its all SIBO and keeps feeding me Manuka honey by the spoon…even got mad at me for going to the doctors. I have never, ever felt anything like that before. Especially after I got with Sezzy and had Focks, these symptoms worsened and my health just kept declining.
Interviewer: (stares blankly at Kurt, not saying a word. But both realised something)
Interviewer: (finally speaks after an awkward pause of silence, breaking character, softening voice) Kurt, mate, are you okay? Like, really? You can say what you want, we can cut it out. But we tried to go by your word, that you were better off after you met Sarah. Even went as far as swapping the pictures we used for that article. Are you really, though?
(Before Kurt can even say a word, Sarah bursts in, carrying Fox.)
Sarah: Kurt!
(freezes, sees camera crew and Daily Mail interviewer. Spreads her legs apart, activates cashew back, puts on a forced smile and a high-pitched voice, walks up to them in a flamingo-centaurque way)
Sarah: Hi! Are you guys after an interview for my NUU activewear collection again? We have the new Desert Mirage collection that is selling out SO fast…
Interviewer: Um, no. But we are here for Kurt, though.
Sarah: (immediately loses interest) Well, we have to go now. Kurt and I are tag teaming today, and its Kurt’s turn to look after Fox. (dumps Fox to Kurt, whispers to him) I have an appointment for Botox in 10 mins.
Interviewer: But excuse me, we’re not done with our interview yet…
Sarah: (pops collar bone, speaks with exaggerated hand gestures) Well, can’t you see we have better things to do! Out you go! Kurt, you tell them!
(Interviewer stares in disbelief as they see Kurt morph into another version of Sarah just by being at her presence. He spreads his legs apart for the thigh gap, pops collar bone, puts on exaggerated hand gestures)
Kurt: (high-pitched voice) Well, can’t you see, we have a toddlah. That we need to look after. We can’t be sitting out here doing these grumpy interviews…we need to be…happy. Be the positive ray of sunshine. Talk about holy things, not drug dealing and stripping…nah. We are children of God and Jesus Christ. Amen.
The Interviewer soon leaves with the camera crew after wishing Kurt the best for his health. As they were departing, interviewer turns around and takes one last look at their house. The house, while spacious and big, felt empty, with its beige and white hues leaving it void of any substance.
Interviewer: (glances at their agenda) Well, initially this interview was meant to be titled, “Kurt Tilse: A Coming-of-Age story of struggles and hardship.” Now, I think, “Kurt Tilse: Blink if you need help”, would be a better fit.
The End
Interviewer: Morning Kurt, how’s it going?
Kurt: Yeah nothing much, mate. Can’t complain.
Interviewer: So, tell me about your life prior to meeting Sarah. How were you making it by?
Kurt: Oh it was horrible. I got broken up with my girlfriend at the time…decided not to go to uni, was working trade. But even back then, I knew photography was my passion. Spent all my money at cameras and camera lenses to the point I couldn’t even afford rice and tuna on some weeks. At one point, I was like, F*ck it. I saw an episode of Breaking Bad and then decided, I’mma deal some drugs. Then, at one nightout, one of my mates was like, “Yo, Kurt, no homo mate, but you lookin’ extra beefy tonight. Wanna strip for some cash?” I was like, “Yeah the boys!”
Interviewer: So, did you actually do it? Or were you simply thinking of it?
Kurt: Oh nah, nah. Yeah, nah. I was still living with my parents at the time.
(The interviewer looks confused, but decides to move on.)
Interviewer: So, tell me about Sarah. What do you like the most about being married to her?
Kurt: (points at the house) Living in this massive house.
Interviewer: Isn’t this your house too?
Kurt: Yeah, but its under Sezzy’s name. And Sezzy paid for most it, so.
Interviewer: But you’re married to her. Don’t you share most of your expenses like most couples?
Kurt: Nah, we don’t. We do things the way that are best for us. Well, even though me and some of my tradie friends built this house, I don’t practically own it.
Interviewer: How do you share parenting? Is it 50/50?
Kurt: Well….technically not. In the morning, I look after Focks, as Sezzy goes for a workout. Then, usually throughout the day I would be running around Focks, then in the evening, I cook dinner, while Sezzy goes out for a walk…after dinner, I snuggle up with Focks and give him a bath. Then I put him to bed.
Interviewer: Sounds like you do a lot, Kurt. How is Sarah involved in this?
Kurt: Uh…nah, she still does mum duty now and then. (scratches head) Around uh, two days a week. But even then, she usually blows up my phone during it. Even when I was at the hospital the other day she kept calling me to get home so that she could smash out a workout.
Interviewer: You were at the hospital?!
Kurt: Yeah, was having strange heart attack-like symptoms. It was super weird. Sezzy keeps telling me how its all SIBO and keeps feeding me Manuka honey by the spoon…even got mad at me for going to the doctors. I have never, ever felt anything like that before. Especially after I got with Sezzy and had Focks, these symptoms worsened and my health just kept declining.
Interviewer: (stares blankly at Kurt, not saying a word. But both realised something)
Interviewer: (finally speaks after an awkward pause of silence, breaking character, softening voice) Kurt, mate, are you okay? Like, really? You can say what you want, we can cut it out. But we tried to go by your word, that you were better off after you met Sarah. Even went as far as swapping the pictures we used for that article. Are you really, though?
(Before Kurt can even say a word, Sarah bursts in, carrying Fox.)
Sarah: Kurt!
(freezes, sees camera crew and Daily Mail interviewer. Spreads her legs apart, activates cashew back, puts on a forced smile and a high-pitched voice, walks up to them in a flamingo-centaurque way)
Sarah: Hi! Are you guys after an interview for my NUU activewear collection again? We have the new Desert Mirage collection that is selling out SO fast…
Interviewer: Um, no. But we are here for Kurt, though.
Sarah: (immediately loses interest) Well, we have to go now. Kurt and I are tag teaming today, and its Kurt’s turn to look after Fox. (dumps Fox to Kurt, whispers to him) I have an appointment for Botox in 10 mins.
Interviewer: But excuse me, we’re not done with our interview yet…
Sarah: (pops collar bone, speaks with exaggerated hand gestures) Well, can’t you see we have better things to do! Out you go! Kurt, you tell them!
(Interviewer stares in disbelief as they see Kurt morph into another version of Sarah just by being at her presence. He spreads his legs apart for the thigh gap, pops collar bone, puts on exaggerated hand gestures)
Kurt: (high-pitched voice) Well, can’t you see, we have a toddlah. That we need to look after. We can’t be sitting out here doing these grumpy interviews…we need to be…happy. Be the positive ray of sunshine. Talk about holy things, not drug dealing and stripping…nah. We are children of God and Jesus Christ. Amen.
The Interviewer soon leaves with the camera crew after wishing Kurt the best for his health. As they were departing, interviewer turns around and takes one last look at their house. The house, while spacious and big, felt empty, with its beige and white hues leaving it void of any substance.
Interviewer: (glances at their agenda) Well, initially this interview was meant to be titled, “Kurt Tilse: A Coming-of-Age story of struggles and hardship.” Now, I think, “Kurt Tilse: Blink if you need help”, would be a better fit.
The End
On the twelfth day of Scam-Mas The Sez gave to me…
lmaooo
