Bellaboo83
VIP Member
This sounds exactly like my ex relationship. He was an avoidant too incidentally. But more importantly he was just plain selfish and couldn't see past the end of his own nose. Perhaps even a narcissist?
Like yours, there were good points, when he decided he could give some form of warmth he was lovely and that hope that he could maintain or be more like that more of the time kept me in the relationship (it's called breadcrumbing). But most of the time he was so wrapped up in his own stuff he has no idea I had any needs at all and when I told him he was personally offended.
When I reminded him I did have needs and he wasn't fulfilling them he was hugely put out and defensive....how could I insult him in this way? He was trying his best and if that wasn't good enough for me then......! I would apologise for bringing up that I didn't feel my needs were being met and make myself shrink a little. Then we could carry on, me not getting my needs met (warmth, love, attention, contact etc) and when I dared bring it back up he would react the same every time....like it was a personal insult against him and my basic needs were always too much, too big. I shrank and shrank my self and my needs for so long (10 years) to be with him and keep him happy.
Last year he broke up with me over a silly argument, put me through hell for months and I still crawled back telling him I could minimise my needs and not ask so much of him (when I say ask so much of him I mean I just ask to feel loved and wanted.. The real basic stuff)
Our whole relationship for the last 8 months has been just the same, me minimizing my needs to fit in with his, he would dump his life stresses on me and not even ask how I was. A few times I've needed support (job issues and buying a new car) and he hasn't had time to help me or has just ignored it or been too busy to help.
My mental health has been slowly getting worse and worse because I've been ignoring my needs for so long to the point I've had a mini little breakdown (it didn't feel mini, I was off work) and I didn't even feel I could tell him. I just pretended everything was normal. It got to the point I recognised that I've made myself poorly trying to fit into him, denying my needs so he didn't react defensively when I brought it up, making myself someone I was not to try to keep him happy in the hope he would suddenly change and give me what I knew he was capable of.......
Only he wasn't capable of it. He never has been. It took making myself ill to finally recognise it and 2 weeks ago I ended the relationship. He never even tried to changed my mind. Has not contacted me since and is posting happy stories and selfies on his social media like nothing happened.
I'm absolutely gutted, heartbroken even, but I know I did the right thing and have to keep strong. He was giving me the absolute minimum to keep me there but it was wasn't a proper loving relationship and I'm beginning to see that now. It's taken me years to see it though, my self worth and MH is on the floor.
The relationship has has nearly destroyed me. Its taken years of my life away. My only advice is to tell him one last time your needs are not being met and if the relationship doesn't change then pack your stuff and walk away... It's not worth betraying yourself and your needs to the point I have and becoming poorly.
You deserve to feel loved, wanted and safe in the relationship. If he can't give that to you then set yourself free to find someone who can
Good luck
Like yours, there were good points, when he decided he could give some form of warmth he was lovely and that hope that he could maintain or be more like that more of the time kept me in the relationship (it's called breadcrumbing). But most of the time he was so wrapped up in his own stuff he has no idea I had any needs at all and when I told him he was personally offended.
When I reminded him I did have needs and he wasn't fulfilling them he was hugely put out and defensive....how could I insult him in this way? He was trying his best and if that wasn't good enough for me then......! I would apologise for bringing up that I didn't feel my needs were being met and make myself shrink a little. Then we could carry on, me not getting my needs met (warmth, love, attention, contact etc) and when I dared bring it back up he would react the same every time....like it was a personal insult against him and my basic needs were always too much, too big. I shrank and shrank my self and my needs for so long (10 years) to be with him and keep him happy.
Last year he broke up with me over a silly argument, put me through hell for months and I still crawled back telling him I could minimise my needs and not ask so much of him (when I say ask so much of him I mean I just ask to feel loved and wanted.. The real basic stuff)
Our whole relationship for the last 8 months has been just the same, me minimizing my needs to fit in with his, he would dump his life stresses on me and not even ask how I was. A few times I've needed support (job issues and buying a new car) and he hasn't had time to help me or has just ignored it or been too busy to help.
My mental health has been slowly getting worse and worse because I've been ignoring my needs for so long to the point I've had a mini little breakdown (it didn't feel mini, I was off work) and I didn't even feel I could tell him. I just pretended everything was normal. It got to the point I recognised that I've made myself poorly trying to fit into him, denying my needs so he didn't react defensively when I brought it up, making myself someone I was not to try to keep him happy in the hope he would suddenly change and give me what I knew he was capable of.......
Only he wasn't capable of it. He never has been. It took making myself ill to finally recognise it and 2 weeks ago I ended the relationship. He never even tried to changed my mind. Has not contacted me since and is posting happy stories and selfies on his social media like nothing happened.
I'm absolutely gutted, heartbroken even, but I know I did the right thing and have to keep strong. He was giving me the absolute minimum to keep me there but it was wasn't a proper loving relationship and I'm beginning to see that now. It's taken me years to see it though, my self worth and MH is on the floor.
The relationship has has nearly destroyed me. Its taken years of my life away. My only advice is to tell him one last time your needs are not being met and if the relationship doesn't change then pack your stuff and walk away... It's not worth betraying yourself and your needs to the point I have and becoming poorly.
You deserve to feel loved, wanted and safe in the relationship. If he can't give that to you then set yourself free to find someone who can
Good luck
Mine was amazing to me for 6 months until I was madly in love and then backed off and became like he was. But it was too late for me to leave I was in love and spent the next 9 and a half years chasing the man he was those first 6 months.Can I ask a question?
I’m curious to understand, how a relationship develops with a partner who is so closed off in this way? If a partner had always been like this from the very beginning, how did any kind of relationship ever develop, if he was always closed to emotion in this way?
I just couldn’t imagine falling for someone or wanting to be involved with someone who was like this so I’m interested to know how the dynamics work?
(genuine question, I’m not trying to be rude or anything)
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