Relationship advice - don’t know how to move forward

[veryfondoftea]

Hi all

my husband and I have been together for 16 years. We went through a difficult patch 2 years ago and had couples counselling. The outcome of the counselling was that our communication was poor and we needed to continue to work on it - particularly my husband as it doesn’t come naturally to him. Specific areas were with regards to paying compliments and showing appreciation and being ‘curious’ about others feelings, as opposed to making assumptions about what each other might be feeling about something.


From my point of view, he isn’t upholding his end of the bargain and attempting to communicate better. I’m aware that people demonstrate their love in different ways so I try to be mindful that just because he’s not saying ‘I appreciate you’ he might be showing that through other things he does for me.

What I’m struggling with though is that I get nothing from him emotionally. We occasionally hug and have sex but other than that there is nothing. He hasn’t told me I look nice in years, which hurts especially because in the last few months I have lost weight and have been feeling particularly good about myself.
This morning I am feeling fairly low so I tried to speak to him about it. He said he can’t understand why I’m being like this and it’s stressing me out. I tried to explain but he said he can’t deal with it and walked out of the room. Every conversation like that ends in that way. It’s like he reaches a discomfort level and then he’s done. The usual pattern after something like this is he will be cold with me for days and then will eventually get over it I guess. If I try and bring it up again he refuses to talk.
I’m really struggling because I can recognise the good things in our relationship - it’s not all bad. He is generous with his time and money, he’s a great father, he does anything I ask of him. But when I try and keep those good things in mind and tell myself I can’t have everything I still feel sad that I don’t have that emotional connection with him.
Another example is that I’m currently waiting for an urgent appointment with an endocrinologist. The GP suspects I might have a syndrome that is caused by steroids or a brain tumour and I have never taken steroids which means a brain tumour is a real possibility if I understand the GP correctly. I told my husband this and his response was that I’m overreacting and ‘don’t think about it and don’t Google it’ and that’s the one and only time we’ve talked about it in the 3 weeks since I spoke to the GP. He’s not once asked if I’m ok.
I feel so alone in our relationship but I want to be with him and accepting of his failures in light of the other good things but I don’t know how to overlook the lack of emotional connection and his inability to deal with things. Has anyone got any advice or viewpoints on this?
Sorry for the long post!

 

[Inforapenny]

Has he always been like this? That will help with the context.
Even if he's always been like this he is making you unhappy and not giving you support.
If a friend came to you and described her partner in the same way as you have what would be your advise?
Personally I couldn't stand being in a relationship with a man like this. It looks like You have really tried and he's done sweet FA.

 

[veryfondoftea]

Has he always been like this? That will help with the context.
Even if he's always been like this he is making you unhappy and not giving you support.
If a friend came to you and described her partner in the same way as you have what would be your advise?
Personally I couldn't stand being in a relationship with a man like this. It looks like You have really tried and he's done sweet FA.

Thank you for replying. He’s certainly always found it hard to be open but it’s got worse over the past year with a complete lack of engagement with anything he doesn’t want to deal with. It feels very cold. There are good parts to our relationship and from a practical and financial point of view, if we broke up I would struggle very much so that feels like a big factor in it. However, I don’t know that the good stuff outweighs how this makes me feel

 

[Inforapenny]

So sorry to hear this.
It sounds to me like you're putting your feelings and emotions aside because you are stuck in a situation due to practical and financial reasons.
So if money were no issue I'm guessing you'd leave and there is your answer.
What if you broached this with your husband? Could you tell him you are unhappy any want to separate? Tbh it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. And if this is his best after counselling you do not want to spend another 20 years trying to make it work.
Any decent person would come up with a way to separate but to ensure their ex was financially ok (you have children).
If you are too scared to do this then that is very telling.
It sounds like he's selfish.

I would get my ducks in order .....go to citizens advice and figure out money and practicalities etc to see if and when you could potentially leave. Even if you choose to stay just having that knowledge you can do it alone will really help you.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

This doesn’t sound like much of a relationship at all, I’m afraid to say. Has he always been so closed off to you in this way? Has he ever been openly affectionate with you?
I personally don’t think you should live like this, it’s not fair on you. I think you need to seek advice from a solicitor or citizens advice regarding your financial position and make headway into ending the marriage and leaving him.

 

[Geranium]

My husband is similar to yours in some ways but we have been married 33 years. About 3 years ago I nearly died from sepsis and this had a big impact on our relationship- for the first time in many years he was able to show how much I meant to him. Before this I honestly did not feel he loved me. We are pretty happy now but there were many unhappy years beforehand and I somehow wonder what if I’d found someone who was more affectionate and loving? I hope you find the right solution for yourself.

 

[Tammy flu]

It sounds to me like your husband needs his own therapy to address his traumas. He sounds to me like he's got an anxious avoidant attachment style and he lacks empathy which obviously impacts negatively on your relationship. The way he relates to you will link back to his childhood experiences. Did he have a particularly traumatic childhood? What is his relationship with his parents like now?

edit to say - when youre explaining how you feel to him and he walks out of the room, his brain cannot process this emotional overload so he has to avoid and choose the "flight" option.

 

[veryfondoftea]

So sorry to hear this.
It sounds to me like you're putting your feelings and emotions aside because you are stuck in a situation due to practical and financial reasons.
So if money were no issue I'm guessing you'd leave and there is your answer.
What if you broached this with your husband? Could you tell him you are unhappy any want to separate? Tbh it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. And if this is his best after counselling you do not want to spend another 20 years trying to make it work.
Any decent person would come up with a way to separate but to ensure their ex was financially ok (you have children).
If you are too scared to do this then that is very telling.
It sounds like he's selfish.

I would get my ducks in order .....go to citizens advice and figure out money and practicalities etc to see if and when you could potentially leave. Even if you choose to stay just having that knowledge you can do it alone will really help you.

Thank you. I have spoken to him about many times with no real acknowledgement and certainly no change. I guess you’re right about the money side of things. I don’t think he’s the type of person to mess me around financially but regardless, things would be much harder. I also can’t imagine not being with him but I want things I’m not sure he can offer

This doesn’t sound like much of a relationship at all, I’m afraid to say. Has he always been so closed off to you in this way? Has he ever been openly affectionate with you?
I personally don’t think you should live like this, it’s not fair on you. I think you need to seek advice from a solicitor or citizens advice regarding your financial position and make headway into ending the marriage and leaving him.

He is very emotionally closed off but has always been affectionate apart from when he’s withholding! Which is happening more and more lately. Thank you for your advice x

My husband is similar to yours in some ways but we have been married 33 years. About 3 years ago I nearly died from sepsis and this had a big impact on our relationship- for the first time in many years he was able to show how much I meant to him. Before this I honestly did not feel he loved me. We are pretty happy now but there were many unhappy years beforehand and I somehow wonder what if I’d found someone who was more affectionate and loving? I hope you find the right solution for yourself.

Thank you for your reply. I feel similar here, like it will take something shocking to happen for him open up. We’ve been in a similar situation before and he was able to then but day to day it seems like it’s too much for him

It sounds to me like your husband needs his own therapy to address his traumas. He sounds to me like he's got an anxious avoidant attachment style and he lacks empathy which obviously impacts negatively on your relationship. The way he relates to you will link back to his childhood experiences. Did he have a particularly traumatic childhood? What is his relationship with his parents like now?

edit to say - when youre explaining how you feel to him and he walks out of the room, his brain cannot process this emotional overload so he has to avoid and choose the "flight" option.

This sounds very familiar yes, particularly that last bit! His childhood was ok until his dad died suddenly when he was 17. He felt he had to become ‘the man’ when this happened and pushed down his feelings of grief to support his mum and sister. Mum moved on very quickly with a new partner who he didn’t get on with which complicated things I guess. He has a good relationship with his mum although they both go out of their way to avoid any confrontation or potential upset!

 

[Rocknrolla]

Could he possibly be on the spectrum?

 

[boarddotie]

It sounds to me like your husband needs his own therapy to address his traumas. He sounds to me like he's got an anxious avoidant attachment style and he lacks empathy which obviously impacts negatively on your relationship. The way he relates to you will link back to his childhood experiences. Did he have a particularly traumatic childhood? What is his relationship with his parents like now?

edit to say - when youre explaining how you feel to him and he walks out of the room, his brain cannot process this emotional overload so he has to avoid and choose the "flight" option.

+1 to this. I recognise everything from the Original Post. We have only been together for 3yrs but it was like you were writing about my life.
I have defo identified avoidant in my partner. I believe all comes from his childhood. A totally closed Dad and no one to listen to him or his feelings meant my partner closed down his own emotions and became avoidant. His brain cannot handle even the slightest hint of emotion from me. When I ask for something or put my needs forward he takes it like a criticism and gets defensive. Like he is not good enough. My therapist told me defensiveness comes from a place of shame. Perhaps your partner knows he needs to do better, knows he should but just cannot. So defensive or dismiss or walking away protects him.

Would he be willing to do work as an individual with a therapist? Have you? Often the couples therapy will bring something to the fore that one or both of you needs to tackle individually. It is so great that he gave that a try. We did the same but only so far I have been persuing the individual councelling.

I hear you loud and clear. He will need to work on this. If he ain't willing to do the work then you need to reassess. Xxx

Could he possibly be on the spectrum?

I bet. Many men, especially avoidant, are. My partner believes he is now that he has done some reading and behaviour is identical to that of the OPs husband.

 

[veryfondoftea]

+1 to this. I recognise everything from the Original Post. We have only been together for 3yrs but it was like you were writing about my life.
I have defo identified avoidant in my partner. I believe all comes from his childhood. A totally closed Dad and no one to listen to him or his feelings meant my partner closed down his own emotions and became avoidant. His brain cannot handle even the slightest hint of emotion from me. When I ask for something or put my needs forward he takes it like a criticism and gets defensive. Like he is not good enough. My therapist told me defensiveness comes from a place of shame. Perhaps your partner knows he needs to do better, knows he should but just cannot. So defensive or dismiss or walking away protects him.

Would he be willing to do work as an individual with a therapist? Have you? Often the couples therapy will bring something to the fore that one or both of you needs to tackle individually. It is so great that he gave that a try. We did the same but only so far I have been persuing the individual councelling.

I hear you loud and clear. He will need to work on this. If he ain't willing to do the work then you need to reassess. Xxx



I bet. Many men, especially avoidant, are. My partner believes he is now that he has done some reading and behaviour is identical to that of the OPs husband.

Thank you for your reply. I’m not sure if he would work on it to be honest. I don’t know how to broach it with him as anything I say he flys off the handle if I say anything to him. We spoke very briefly last night and he said whenever I bring anything up with him he feels criticised which I can understand - I don’t think this is all him, I think my delivery could use some work but I guess part of the issue is that I am criticising him?! I’m not happy with how he behaves towards me and that’s what I’m trying to tell him!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

+1 to this. I recognise everything from the Original Post. We have only been together for 3yrs but it was like you were writing about my life.
I have defo identified avoidant in my partner. I believe all comes from his childhood. A totally closed Dad and no one to listen to him or his feelings meant my partner closed down his own emotions and became avoidant. His brain cannot handle even the slightest hint of emotion from me. When I ask for something or put my needs forward he takes it like a criticism and gets defensive. Like he is not good enough. My therapist told me defensiveness comes from a place of shame. Perhaps your partner knows he needs to do better, knows he should but just cannot. So defensive or dismiss or walking away protects him.

Would he be willing to do work as an individual with a therapist? Have you? Often the couples therapy will bring something to the fore that one or both of you needs to tackle individually. It is so great that he gave that a try. We did the same but only so far I have been persuing the individual councelling.

I hear you loud and clear. He will need to work on this. If he ain't willing to do the work then you need to reassess. Xxx



I bet. Many men, especially avoidant, are. My partner believes he is now that he has done some reading and behaviour is identical to that of the OPs husband.

Can I ask a question?

I’m curious to understand, how a relationship develops with a partner who is so closed off in this way? If a partner had always been like this from the very beginning, how did any kind of relationship ever develop, if he was always closed to emotion in this way?

I just couldn’t imagine falling for someone or wanting to be involved with someone who was like this so I’m interested to know how the dynamics work?

(genuine question, I’m not trying to be rude or anything)

 

[Bellaboo83]

This sounds exactly like my ex relationship. He was an avoidant too incidentally. But more importantly he was just plain selfish and couldn't see past the end of his own nose. Perhaps even a narcissist?

Like yours, there were good points, when he decided he could give some form of warmth he was lovely and that hope that he could maintain or be more like that more of the time kept me in the relationship (it's called breadcrumbing). But most of the time he was so wrapped up in his own stuff he has no idea I had any needs at all and when I told him he was personally offended.

When I reminded him I did have needs and he wasn't fulfilling them he was hugely put out and defensive....how could I insult him in this way? He was trying his best and if that wasn't good enough for me then......! I would apologise for bringing up that I didn't feel my needs were being met and make myself shrink a little. Then we could carry on, me not getting my needs met (warmth, love, attention, contact etc) and when I dared bring it back up he would react the same every time....like it was a personal insult against him and my basic needs were always too much, too big. I shrank and shrank my self and my needs for so long (10 years) to be with him and keep him happy.

Last year he broke up with me over a silly argument, put me through hell for months and I still crawled back telling him I could minimise my needs and not ask so much of him (when I say ask so much of him I mean I just ask to feel loved and wanted.. The real basic stuff)

Our whole relationship for the last 8 months has been just the same, me minimizing my needs to fit in with his, he would dump his life stresses on me and not even ask how I was. A few times I've needed support (job issues and buying a new car) and he hasn't had time to help me or has just ignored it or been too busy to help.

My mental health has been slowly getting worse and worse because I've been ignoring my needs for so long to the point I've had a mini little breakdown (it didn't feel mini, I was off work) and I didn't even feel I could tell him. I just pretended everything was normal. It got to the point I recognised that I've made myself poorly trying to fit into him, denying my needs so he didn't react defensively when I brought it up, making myself someone I was not to try to keep him happy in the hope he would suddenly change and give me what I knew he was capable of.......

Only he wasn't capable of it. He never has been. It took making myself ill to finally recognise it and 2 weeks ago I ended the relationship. He never even tried to changed my mind. Has not contacted me since and is posting happy stories and selfies on his social media like nothing happened.

I'm absolutely gutted, heartbroken even, but I know I did the right thing and have to keep strong. He was giving me the absolute minimum to keep me there but it was wasn't a proper loving relationship and I'm beginning to see that now. It's taken me years to see it though, my self worth and MH is on the floor.

The relationship has has nearly destroyed me. Its taken years of my life away. My only advice is to tell him one last time your needs are not being met and if the relationship doesn't change then pack your stuff and walk away... It's not worth betraying yourself and your needs to the point I have and becoming poorly.

You deserve to feel loved, wanted and safe in the relationship. If he can't give that to you then set yourself free to find someone who can

Good luck

Can I ask a question?

I’m curious to understand, how a relationship develops with a partner who is so closed off in this way? If a partner had always been like this from the very beginning, how did any kind of relationship ever develop, if he was always closed to emotion in this way?

I just couldn’t imagine falling for someone or wanting to be involved with someone who was like this so I’m interested to know how the dynamics work?

(genuine question, I’m not trying to be rude or anything)

Mine was amazing to me for 6 months until I was madly in love and then backed off and became like he was. But it was too late for me to leave I was in love and spent the next 9 and a half years chasing the man he was those first 6 months.

 

[veryfondoftea]

@Bellaboo83 thank you for sharing your story. And well done for getting out and starting to move on Your relationship does sound really similar to mine and my mental health has been on the floor at times. @BettyCrockerr i guess for me it’s because our time together isn’t awful all the time. He is able to be affectionate at times and vulnerable at times too and we have had periods of years when he’s been more able to. But it’s the past year things have got tough again more of the time.
There are positives to my relationship, anything I ask for (financially, practically and time wise) I know he will say yes to. The ‘only’ area that’s lacking is when I need emotional support. And I say only, but that’s a huge area for me and although I have friends and family I can talk to, I do feel as though the emotional connection is lacking with us a lot of the time

 

[BettyCrockerr]

@Bellaboo83 thank you for sharing your story. And well done for getting out and starting to move on Your relationship does sound really similar to mine and my mental health has been on the floor at times. @BettyCrockerr i guess for me it’s because our time together isn’t awful all the time. He is able to be affectionate at times and vulnerable at times too and we have had periods of years when he’s been more able to. But it’s the past year things have got tough again more of the time.
There are positives to my relationship, anything I ask for (financially, practically and time wise) I know he will say yes to. The ‘only’ area that’s lacking is when I need emotional support. And I say only, but that’s a huge area for me and although I have friends and family I can talk to, I do feel as though the emotional connection is lacking with us a lot of the time

The emotional connection to another is the fundamental basis for a true romantic relationship. If that isn’t there, then what you have is at best a friend. But you can’t live your life like this, it’s half a life, and you deserve more than that. You should be with someone who makes your heart soar, who completely gets you on every level, someone who will open their heart to you and who will let you in and who will want to do the same for you. It’s interesting that you say he will say yes to you no matter what you ask for if it’s financial/practical/time related etc - that in itself is off, that’s not a normal balanced relationship.

 

[veryfondoftea]

The emotional connection to another is the fundamental basis for a true romantic relationship. If that isn’t there, then what you have is at best a friend. But you can’t live your life like this, it’s half a life, and you deserve more than that. You should be with someone who makes your heart soar, who completely gets you on every level, someone who will open their heart to you and who will let you in and who will want to do the same for you. It’s interesting that you say he will say yes to you no matter what you ask for if it’s financial/practical/time related etc - that in itself is off, that’s not a normal balanced relationship.

Do you not think so? I don’t take the piss, I just have always thought of it as his way of showing his love in the only ways he can. We did talk a lot about the different love languages in counselling so I try and bear that in mind but I guess the bottom line is that my emotional needs are not being met.
You are right, I feel like we are friends that have sex occasionally and he is cold with me occasionally. Our relationship is generally great on a day to day basis as long as I’m in a good enough place to not need anything emotionally and to be able to ask for everything I need. But sometimes I just want to be with someone who can anticipate those needs as well. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Do you not think so? I don’t take the piss, I just have always thought of it as his way of showing his love in the only ways he can. We did talk a lot about the different love languages in counselling so I try and bear that in mind but I guess the bottom line is that my emotional needs are not being met.
You are right, I feel like we are friends that have sex occasionally and he is cold with me occasionally. Our relationship is generally great on a day to day basis as long as I’m in a good enough place to not need anything emotionally and to be able to ask for everything I need. But sometimes I just want to be with someone who can anticipate those needs as well. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask?

I dunno, I just think it’s strange that no matter what he would always say yes to certain things. That’s not an honest relationship is it?
For example, my husband and I have discussions/disagreements on some things - he would never just always agree to things, it would be like he was a robot or something if he just said yes to everything all the time you know?
I think you know yourself that this isn’t right. You say you have a “great” relationship as long as you don’t ask/need anything from him emotionally…. That’s not a great relationship at all, it’s not even really a relationship. It must just feel like a cold business transaction.
It doesn’t have to be like this, you can have a real relationship with a man who is there for you in all ways and who treats you like his partner, not just someone who signs the cheques and turns up on time

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Can I ask a question?

I’m curious to understand, how a relationship develops with a partner who is so closed off in this way? If a partner had always been like this from the very beginning, how did any kind of relationship ever develop, if he was always closed to emotion in this way?

I just couldn’t imagine falling for someone or wanting to be involved with someone who was like this so I’m interested to know how the dynamics work?

(genuine question, I’m not trying to be rude or anything)

Its something that grows and becomes more obvious over time. Its really draining and a total head duck

 

[Suzesnooze]

Can I ask a question?

I’m curious to understand, how a relationship develops with a partner who is so closed off in this way? If a partner had always been like this from the very beginning, how did any kind of relationship ever develop, if he was always closed to emotion in this way?

I just couldn’t imagine falling for someone or wanting to be involved with someone who was like this so I’m interested to know how the dynamics work?

(genuine question, I’m not trying to be rude or anything)

When I met my now husband his Dad had just died suddenly and at a young age so how he was always made me think it was due to his grief but he also had a really tit childhood.

Neither of us are soppy. I don’t need telling he loves me everyday. We did used to say it early on in our relationship but we rarely do now but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. We were both brought up in families who didn’t say ‘love you’.

I could never be attracted to a soppy man who told me he loved me constantly or called me ‘babe/baby’ etc.

We’re all attracted to different sorts and it’s what you’re willing to put up with I suppose?!

As for the OP....I would say he’s scared of losing you like his Dad so won’t talk about your health issues. My husband hates been criticised it just puts him on the defensive. I think he’s scared you’re going to leave him. He won’t comment on your weight loss as he’s probably thinking you’re going to meet someone else! Just thinking of how an insecure mans mind works.

Maybe write him a letter telling him how you feel and ask him to respond in letter form if he finds it hard to articulate in words?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

When I met my now husband his Dad had just died suddenly and at a young age so how he was always made me think it was due to his grief but he also had a really tit childhood.

Neither of us are soppy. I don’t need telling he loves me everyday. We did used to say it early on in our relationship but we rarely do now but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. We were both brought up in families who didn’t say ‘love you’.

I could never be attracted to a soppy man who told me he loved me constantly or called me ‘babe/baby’ etc.

We’re all attracted to different sorts and it’s what you’re willing to put up with I suppose?!

As for the OP....I would say he’s scared of losing you like his Dad so won’t talk about your health issues. My husband hates been criticised it just puts him on the defensive. I think he’s scared you’re going to leave him. He won’t comment on your weight loss as he’s probably thinking you’re going to meet someone else! Just thinking of how an insecure mans mind works.

Maybe write him a letter telling him how you feel and ask him to respond in letter form if he finds it hard to articulate in words?

Urgh yuk no, I’d die if my husband started calling me baby that’s not what I’m getting at, not at all. No, what I meant was that you should have an emotional connection with your partner. For example, my husband knows if I’m feeling sad or if something is bothering me and will always ask what’s on my mind or will do things to help me - simple things yknow, like giving me a cuddle, or just holding my hand or calling me to check in and see how I’m getting on etc - he’s aware of how I feel and it’s a part of our relationship and vice versa. I can be completely vulnerable and open with him and he can with me etc