A support thread really.
so many of my memories of my mum relate to her being obsessed with her weight. We can’t go a phone call without her weight/somebody’s weight coming up and I’m struggling. I try changing the subject, I try saying I can’t really talk about it. I have weight issues myself (what a surprise!).
What’s prompted this thread is that my very elderly grandmother has lost a lot of weight without reason, which to me is worrying. And she is jealous. I just can’t at the moment. It’s so messed up.
I’m sure there are plenty of us growing up in this shadow and i am just pissed off for us all!
And then there is the obvious worry of whether I’m passing it on to my kids. I try so hard not to but without a normal background in this I don’t know what’s good and bad.
My god. This thread is relevant. I was thinking earlier about lessons I had learned from my parents - things I will NOT do if I have a child.
One of them centers around food. Growing up, my mum was always on the latest fad diet and unhappy with her weight, going about it in very unhealthy ways. Only as an adult though did I realise how detrimental her behaviour was...it was not intentional on her but it certainly had an impact on me.
I have always been slim, in fact underweight, and aware of that. I have never had an eating disorder but it is amazing I haven't. For example, last year, I had surgery and my mum's comment a few days after was "you look too thin." I was furious. I think it is incredibly inappropriate to comment on someone's weight whether they are thin or fat. She has always thought it is okay to make comments: "you look too thin", "are you eating enough?", etc. I saw a therapist say that when people make comments like that, they are often projecting their own insecurity. She is very fit but overweight and constantly goes on about being "fat." Honestly, it is awkward...as I am not going to discuss it. I workout daily, lifting weights and a little cardio so am actually slim but have a lot of muscle.
She doesn't eat a lot of carbs, even healthy ones (potatoes, brown bread, nuts, etc) and when she does, she acts like they are the devil. For example, posting a photo of dinner on IG (meat, like 3 potatoes and some veg) and because there are carbs, she will make a big deal about it. She will make comments like: "omg, got to do lots of walking this week." That doesn't impact me but I find it sad. Carbs are fine but she is stuck in the mindset that they are not.
Anyway, I am waffling on. What my mum's behaviour made me realise is that if I have a child, I NEVER want to talk diets around them. I do not diet anyway. We eat really balanced and nothing is restricted. I never want my child to grow up hearing that carbs are bad, sugar is bad. There will be no good or bad foods. Everything in moderation is fine. If someone dares to even say something like that in front of them, they will be corrected and told that is not how we speak about food.
My mum is a nice person but jesus it is such a toxic trait but I am not sure she even realises she does it. Another problem I have with my mum is setting boundaries. She had me when she was young and we were always close and had a good relationship but now that I am an adult, there doesn't seem to be many boundaries. She still infantilizes me which drives me insane. I find it sooo hard to set boundaries as I am only just starting to recognise they are needed even when you have a good relationship.