Parents with weight/diet issues

[Fenella]

A support thread really.

so many of my memories of my mum relate to her being obsessed with her weight. We can’t go a phone call without her weight/somebody’s weight coming up and I’m struggling. I try changing the subject, I try saying I can’t really talk about it. I have weight issues myself (what a surprise!).

What’s prompted this thread is that my very elderly grandmother has lost a lot of weight without reason, which to me is worrying. And she is jealous. I just can’t at the moment. It’s so messed up.

I’m sure there are plenty of us growing up in this shadow and i am just pissed off for us all!

And then there is the obvious worry of whether I’m passing it on to my kids. I try so hard not to but without a normal background in this I don’t know what’s good and bad.

 

[Maxiwill]

It's kind of well known now that you shouldn't speak about weight gain in a negative way around children or refer to diets etc. I feel like this is kind of a new thing because When I was a child I saw and heard my mother go through constant yo yo dieting, she would do weight watchers, lose weight and then put it back on and start again. I remember going to beauty salon with her to have some kind of slimming treatment and she had slimming tablets at one stage as well. Loads of my friends say the exact same, they have always seen their mothers battle weight as well and it has normalised the "weight loss battle" for them too.
Nowadays with my nephews we never say the word fat and try we don't have good or bad food.
I dont have kids myself but I would say all you can do with the next generation is encourage them to eat healthy and exercise for fun and to get fresh air rather than a way to burn off food or calories. Don't refer to people as needing to lose weight or as fat.
With regards to your mother trying to talk about weight with you I would just ignore it or change the subject.

 

[mcfeez]

My mum is like this too - I feel like it might be a generation thing. She puts so much value in someones weight its incredible and constantly compares herself and everyone. A couple of ladies in my family are getting married soon and she constantly comments on their diet progress with so much venom.

Its one thing that she taught me that Ive struggled with throughout adulthood, still comparing my body to other women.

I think my mother, and it could be the same for yours, very much is familiar with a time when women inherently competed with each other a lot more in terms of their looks, were taught that having self confidence was cocky or arrogant and so have a good deal of insecurity.

In terms of kids, I dont have any children myself but I think the important thing is to develop healthy and balanced ideas towards to food i.e. theres no such thing as good or naughty foods. And to encourage fitness (playing or sports I imagine for kids) because its good for our health, both physically and mentally.

 

[MrsWolf]

My stepchildren's mother has terrible weight/diet issues, she is incredibly petite but is always taking some sort of weight loss drink/tablets, skipping meals or not eating at all and also pre-COVID goes to the lady at the salon for “fat sucking-out injections” (I only know this from what the children say). I can only assume that growing up around this has caused my 11 year old step daughter to refuse to eat bread, chips and pasta etc because they “make her fat” and “she needs to stay slim”.

It breaks my heart, she’s 11 and is so conscious of her weight and appearance. It’s also hard as a qualified PT/Nutritionist I always try and teach them good habits around food whilst in my home but it always comes back to... “mummy does/says this” it’s a constant battle.

I definitely agree with the previous posters... don’t say certain foods are “bad” - it’s all about moderation.

From working in gyms I always have the classic conversation of “what are you looking to achieve” and it’s always “I want to look like her” or “I want a waist as small as hers”. I spend half my time reminding people why we shouldn’t compare and the mental benefits of exercise and a healthy life. Everyone is different, every body is unique and every body is beautiful.

I can’t pretend I haven’t compared myself to others in the past (I have stepchildren who constantly compare me to their mum and they probably do the same to her) but I’m so grateful to be in my line of work that has allowed me to have a greater understanding. I also think social media is so toxic for this, I really do feel for children growing up nowadays!

 

[Fenella]

Thank you all for your replies. Some really good advice.

i was at a really low ebb with it on Friday. She’s great in every other way, just this area. I do feel bad for her being so insecure. She’s literally never gone out for a meal and just enjoyed it. I think she has orthorexia as the list of food she thinks is acceptable grows smaller by the year depending on what she’s read etc. But I know she won’t get help so there isn’t much I can do in that respect.

thank you again and for giving me an outlet as well!

 

[1001 others]

My mother was always quite big (size 22-24) when I was growing up, and other kids would make snide comments about her. In her youth, my mother was a model and partook in a lot of beauty pageants, but when she was pregnant with me she ballooned and never lost the weight - which she reminded me constantly for many years was all my fault.

Recently, my mother - who is in her late 70s now - has started losing a heck of a lot of weight and it appears to be down to not having a strong appetite. I'm quite certain that it's a common factor in elderly people as my grandmothers on both sides and an elderly aunt experienced the same (and were in strong health). So, unless your grandmother has been complaining of feeling unwell, it's *probably* just a natural thing the body goes through as we age.

Ironically, growing up my mother would always point out larger women - but smaller than her - and say how shocking they looked and how they should be ashamed. It was very embarrassing and most odd that she couldn't see that she was bigger than them.

As a child I yo-yoed between being obese and very skinny. After I did especially well on Jenny Craig a few years ago, and saw my mother in a social setting for the first time in months, she threw a tantrum in front of everyone and said I was now the size she was before she had me and how it wasn't fair (!). Such crazy behaviour.

My mother-in-law has no filter - it seems to get worse as she ages - and constantly points out peoples' weight gain; or, if they've lost weight and look amazing, she gets really bitchy towards them. It's not only rude, it's disgraceful behaviour. It's almost always the first thing she'll say to someone (even before "hello") - "Oooooh look at you - you've gained a lot of weight." I'm thisclose to saying in response next time she says it to me, "Yes, and you've gained a lot more wrinkles!"

 

[bolimepipi]

i have grown up in a family full of people obsessed with weight, mainly for health issues rather than aesthetics. no one in my family is overweight but for some reason weight is always the topic of conversation and i absolutely hate it, i tend to block them out when they start. my grandmother is the worst when it comes to this - she compares my mom to my aunt, me to my sister, cousins to cousins, and recently we got a new addition to our family - my eldest cousin had a baby - and my grandmother is already calling her fat! not even chubby in a cute way, but full on fat. i'm worried about the little one growing up hearing about this, because hearing all this as a child/teen really affected me. i don't understand why people do this it's terrible!

 

[Gizmo92]

This is a really interesting thread and something that has been bothering me a lot lately. My mother and grandmother are obsessed with weight (my grandmother is by far the worst). If we show her a photo of someone the first thing she will comment on is their weight, “oh he’s looking thin” or “she’s put on weight”. As soon as I see her she will ask me “have you lost weight? You look well, you must have lost some weight”. I’m also due to get married in September and when I got engaged she said “it will be nice if you can lose some of that weight before the wedding”. It upsets me so much. I am a size 16-18 and have always been very up and down with my weight. The smallest I ever got was a size 10 a few years ago but I was so restrictive with my food and this has now turned into binge eating disorder. I’ve also recently been diagnosed with PCOS and I’m trying to conceive and it’s just all a bit much to handle. Sorry this is a long rant I just get so upset with all the comments even if they aren’t nasty. I’m just so uncomfortable talking about weight as I find it so triggering. It makes me feel like they can’t see anything past what size someone is.

 

[SpiceWeasel]

My mum is like this. She’s never been overweight in her life but is obsessed with not gaining weight, if she does it is literally only half a stone. She has always stayed around the same weight, 9.5 stone - 10 stone yet she constantly comments about how crap she feels and thinks she looks. She is petite and looks amazing for her age. She had radiotherapy for breast cancer years ago and speaks almost with pride of how her weight dropped to just under 9 stone! When I was little and up until around age 13 I was always a bit chubby which she would constantly remark upon and tell me I’ll lose my puppy fat soon. She also always gets photos out from when she was younger and bangs on about how good she looks in them and is like ‘I weighed x amount in that photo’. Because of all this, I spent my teen years battling an ED which is still and always will be at the back of my mind. Food is never something I’ll be totally relaxed about. I put on weight during the first lockdown and when I mentioned it to my mum I said ‘I’ve got back up to 11 and a half stone so I’m trying to be good’ instead of being like ‘oh you look great the way you are’ her reply was ‘oh well WE like to be around the 10 mark’ I was like who is this we???? I’m a good 3 inches taller than her as well which she forgets. Argh it winds me up just thinking about it!

 

[JoeBloggs]

A support thread really.

so many of my memories of my mum relate to her being obsessed with her weight. We can’t go a phone call without her weight/somebody’s weight coming up and I’m struggling. I try changing the subject, I try saying I can’t really talk about it. I have weight issues myself (what a surprise!).

What’s prompted this thread is that my very elderly grandmother has lost a lot of weight without reason, which to me is worrying. And she is jealous. I just can’t at the moment. It’s so messed up.

I’m sure there are plenty of us growing up in this shadow and i am just pissed off for us all!

And then there is the obvious worry of whether I’m passing it on to my kids. I try so hard not to but without a normal background in this I don’t know what’s good and bad.

I could have written that. Everything about my mum and grandma revolved around weight. I have two very vivid memories, my grandma saying about a photos of her leaving hospital with my uncle. She said she left the hospital in her pre pregnancy size 12 suit. And my mum saying when I was about 12 that it’s a lot harder to loose weight than it is to gain it.

My grandma was always on a diet and even when my grandad was very frail and the doctor told they should have full fat milk and yoghurts she refused. They were in their 80s!

My mum always comments on people’s weight, on shes a big lady, so and so’s lost weight. I find it really hard. We did Slimming World together and she basically starved and got to goal and left.

 

[CLittleworld]

I’m the big one in my family Iv been a size 6 pre pregnancy a 16 two years ago (very low cal diet for my mums wedding) a 26 last year (lockdown lush) and now a 18/20 I can lose weight n I’m tall so nobody ever really notices well nobody but my mum she’s 6 inches shorter then me and never been more than10 stone but don’t we know it, anyone bigger then a 12 is a “Bonny girl”
I’m single and it’s cos I’m fat she constantly says ooh more babies won’t happen your too old now (I’m 33) and it won’t be easy to conceive with all that extra weight
I know how to eat healthy but I also like to live my life I keep active etc but she thinks the only way Is to starve and eat spinach she’s really fussy and has such a bad relationship with food
I live to eat she eats to live (miserably)
I tell my daughter 75774 times a day she’s beautiful she’s a healthy weight and I don’t tell her any food is good or bad !
We definitely learn our parents habits n I don’t want her sitting in macdonalds car park eating a meal before she drives home with the food for everyone else because she shouldn’t be having any

 

[Instashamous]

This is totally generational- my mum and stepmum both have really warped opinions on weight.
My sisters are both very petite (both under 5”3- I’m 5”9) one has had an eating disorder since her teens which, while stabilised more now, means that she is of a very, very small build, she wears a uk 4. My mum makes comments quite frequently about both sisters frames, particularly the one with the ED, that infer that their size is normal/ideal.
I had a strained conversation with stepmum recently over little mix- she made a comment about Jessie being ‘chubby’- cue me explaining she is in fact tiny but a different build to the others- her response was ‘oh well I’d try to lose a bit if I had to sit with the others’

It makes me thankful that (hopefully) moving forward different shapes and sizes are being embraced and your size isn’t all encompassing because my mum and stepmum’s perception of health/weight is so warped and scary.

 

[queenamber]

What a great thread. I can relate with so much that's been said here already! My parents are obsessed with weight and it's haunted me for basically my entire childhood and teenage years, and I'm still dealing with it in my 30s. I've actually considered therapy because it has affected me so much. My mum is a slim size 8 and is constantly talking about whether she's been "good" or "bad" or how she's "earned" food through exercise (I don't care if you've been sitting down at a desk job all day, everyone is deserving of food). My Dad is equally terrible for it, always criticizing larger people on TV for their appearance. I have a vivid memory of him telling me I was "much prettier when I'd lost a bit of weight". It makes me really happy to see young girls growing up with a much more diverse body images and I only wish they'd been more visible when I was a teenager!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I really do think it’s a generation thing. I have told my mum before I can’t talk diets. I’m trying my best to get over binge eating after gaining 4 stone.

I’m two weeks into a positive change and I hope it lasts!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I’m almost 36, 5’9” and a size 12/14. My 92 year old grandma who was always active and athletic will every now and again ask about my weight I ignore her. If I gave a shiny tit, it would give me a complex, but when I go to the docs every 3 months and they weigh me, they say my weight is fine.

 

[openbook1]

A support thread really.

so many of my memories of my mum relate to her being obsessed with her weight. We can’t go a phone call without her weight/somebody’s weight coming up and I’m struggling. I try changing the subject, I try saying I can’t really talk about it. I have weight issues myself (what a surprise!).

What’s prompted this thread is that my very elderly grandmother has lost a lot of weight without reason, which to me is worrying. And she is jealous. I just can’t at the moment. It’s so messed up.

I’m sure there are plenty of us growing up in this shadow and i am just pissed off for us all!

And then there is the obvious worry of whether I’m passing it on to my kids. I try so hard not to but without a normal background in this I don’t know what’s good and bad.

My god. This thread is relevant. I was thinking earlier about lessons I had learned from my parents - things I will NOT do if I have a child.
One of them centers around food. Growing up, my mum was always on the latest fad diet and unhappy with her weight, going about it in very unhealthy ways. Only as an adult though did I realise how detrimental her behaviour was...it was not intentional on her but it certainly had an impact on me.
I have always been slim, in fact underweight, and aware of that. I have never had an eating disorder but it is amazing I haven't. For example, last year, I had surgery and my mum's comment a few days after was "you look too thin." I was furious. I think it is incredibly inappropriate to comment on someone's weight whether they are thin or fat. She has always thought it is okay to make comments: "you look too thin", "are you eating enough?", etc. I saw a therapist say that when people make comments like that, they are often projecting their own insecurity. She is very fit but overweight and constantly goes on about being "fat." Honestly, it is awkward...as I am not going to discuss it. I workout daily, lifting weights and a little cardio so am actually slim but have a lot of muscle.
She doesn't eat a lot of carbs, even healthy ones (potatoes, brown bread, nuts, etc) and when she does, she acts like they are the devil. For example, posting a photo of dinner on IG (meat, like 3 potatoes and some veg) and because there are carbs, she will make a big deal about it. She will make comments like: "omg, got to do lots of walking this week." That doesn't impact me but I find it sad. Carbs are fine but she is stuck in the mindset that they are not.

Anyway, I am waffling on. What my mum's behaviour made me realise is that if I have a child, I NEVER want to talk diets around them. I do not diet anyway. We eat really balanced and nothing is restricted. I never want my child to grow up hearing that carbs are bad, sugar is bad. There will be no good or bad foods. Everything in moderation is fine. If someone dares to even say something like that in front of them, they will be corrected and told that is not how we speak about food.

My mum is a nice person but jesus it is such a toxic trait but I am not sure she even realises she does it. Another problem I have with my mum is setting boundaries. She had me when she was young and we were always close and had a good relationship but now that I am an adult, there doesn't seem to be many boundaries. She still infantilizes me which drives me insane. I find it sooo hard to set boundaries as I am only just starting to recognise they are needed even when you have a good relationship.

 

[SpiceWeasel]

So this is a bit of a rant sorry, I already mentioned up thread about how my mum's behaviour has without a doubt created my issues around food.

Last week I went round to hers (we are her social bubble) and despite me saying a hundred times 'don't make anything, just a coffee will be fine' what does she do? Got there and she'd made a cheese and onion pie and a bloody chocolate cake! Obviously it would be very rude not to eat what she'd made and she is a good cook so it was delicious, but I actually find it rude that I told her not to make anything and not only did she do so, she made ridiculously calorific things which she knows I won't really want to eat. If I say anything or say I don't want it though I'll just get 'oh you're always on a diet' or 'oh for goodness sake live a little!' she as I said is naturally slim and petite, whilst eating full fat everything (albeit small portions), goes through a tit load of wine every week and has never done any exercise in her life. I however inherited the bone structure of Attila the hun from my dad

I'm going round again on Sunday for Mother's Day, for lunch, and already had the conversation in which I told her please just to do sandwiches or something, she suggested doing a fish pie which I know will have about 10kg of butter in it and a gallon of double cream. It is like she intentionally tries to sabotage my weight loss. I know I sound crazy but it is infuriating when she comments that I've gained weight but then I'm like but you're not helping by making stuff like that which I feel obliged to eat are you!

On the flip side of her loving to comment if I've put on weight, I've managed to lose nearly a stone since the end of last year (god knows how!) and she hasn't said a positive word! Just 'oh but you yo yo'. I am actually getting stressed out at the prospect of Sunday which is so wrong!