Open Marriage. Does it work?

[Youngmum29]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2 with 2 daughters. We’re incredibly happy with our relationship. Strong, stable foundation, lots of trust etc. No jealousy, great sex.
We recently decided to try an open marriage, and consequently have had a lot of discussions about how it might work for us. I realise some people might wonder why we want to do this if we’re so happy, but I think we’ve reached a point where we want to try new things and this is something that came up.

Theres no “one rule fits all” in this but I’m wondering if anyone on here has done it, how they made it work, if it didn’t work, why and any advice you might be able to offer.

 

[Raininvain]

When you say We do you mean that or that he decided?

 

[Youngmum29]

When you say We do you mean that or that he decided?

I mean we. It was a joint decision. In fact it was my idea lol

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I have no personal experience but we have had two couples close to us that both tried open marriages and it broke them up. But that was because one of them was getting more sex then the other and it caused jealousy. I think if you are able to address that then you should be ok

 

[jewelkitty]

I have no experience with it but they do say once you open up a marriage there's never any going back on it. It's done.
I personally would say why risk ruining a great thing?

 

[JoeBloggs]

A close friend of mine had one, they both dated for a few months then she decided she didn’t want to open anymore. He refused to end things on his side with a work colleague. They were divorced within a year.

 

[judsmum]

Is ‘trying’ an open marriage worth losing a good marriage over because what are you gonna do if he falls in love with someone else? Or you do? What are you gonna do if one of you DOES get jealous? What you gonna do if someone you sleep with decides that actually they’d like a bit more than just sex and won’t leave you alone? It’s not just gonna go back to normal. It’s going to fester and any festering wound damages things. I think it sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster and things actually are that good then I can’t see how the risk is worth taking.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

 

[Wellubcherub]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

I was going to write this, it would be your first test to see if it works for the both of you. You're both with someone else...together. you are both in control of the situation and either of you can stop it at any time if it's uncomfortable.

 

[Youngmum29]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

I quite like the sound of that tbh. I don’t want to ruin what we have and I Definitely appreciate the risk involved in opening up our marriage. Maybe dipping toes in first would be a lot more beneficial. food for thought and discussion with the husband. Thank you x

 

[JoeBloggs]

A close friend of mine had one, they both dated for a few months then she decided she didn’t want to open anymore. He refused to end things on his side with a work colleague. They were divorced within a year.

To add (not that this helps the OP) but he’s still with his work colleague and has had a child.

I think dipping your toe in is a good idea, but I’d think carefully about it all and it cannot be undone.

 

[JD-Morgan]

What’s the point of being together if you both want to sleep with other people?

Personally think it’s just an excuse to sleep with different people, but each to their own.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

What’s the point of being together if you both want to sleep with other people?

Personally think it’s just an excuse to sleep with different people, but each to their own.

Hmm, I'm not in an open relationship myself, but I don't see sex and love as one and the same. Being married to someone forever is a looong time - I can see how you could very much be in love and committed but still want to explore your sexuality.

 

[Maisie842]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but agree that there would be a huge amount of risk, and potentially harm could be caused that can't be undone, and that would be so incredibly sad for a very happy relationship to end.

Please correct me of course if I'm wrong, but it sounds like that this open marriage would mainly be with the focus on sex with other people rather than wanting to have multiple "full time" relationships?

I think it's a really easy thing to say that you or your husband aren't the type to get jealous, but if you've been in a monogamous relationship, then what's your reference point for that in this particular context?

There are so many things to consider. What if one of you develops feelings for another person? How will that impact your relationship with each other? Even though you're not jealous, will you feel like you're being unfaithful (even though consensual) if you're sleeping with someone else and think of your husband at home? What if the person you/him are sleeping with develops feelings for you or him? How would that work within your family dynamic? What if one of you has lots of dates and one of you doesn't? Will the other person feel resentful or feel like they're not good enough?

I think you need to figure out if this is just a fantasy or a reality for your relationship, and my personal opinion would be that if that either of you have any doubts whatsoever it's not worth risking what you have to find out.

Sorry, I really don't mean to sound callous and it's honestly not how it's meant to come across, but just some of the things I would be cosidering with a decision like this. Whatever you decide, hope it works out x

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

Wasn't married but I had an open relationship. I did want to do it initially too but I don't think I fully realised how it would feel - like it sounded great but once I was in the situation it wasn't. My ex slept with one of his best friends when we were supposed to only be seeing people who eachother didn't know. I had been around this friend for weeks before he even told me! Then when I was annoyed about it was well we are in a open relationship so no big deal. I wanted to change the situation and go back to being monogamous but once we were into it for a few months it was difficult to do, I felt like I couldn't go back on it because he was happy with it. Also a couple times he was seen out getting in a taxi with another girl he'd been chatting to and I was getting messages from girls I'd went to school with saying I've just seen your man with another girl and it was so awkward to be like yeah that's fine x

Again not saying it won't work for you, I was probably quite dumb and young to do it. It can work for some but make sure your 100℅ sure first xx

 

[Be More Pacific]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

Personally, for me, that would be way worse.

I don't want to even think about my boyfriend going off and bleeping someone else never mind actually watching him do it.

Then again, if he suggested trying an open marriage, I'd promptly pack my stuff and leave him so.....

 

[Meh]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

That is a good idea. I know a lot of folk like to think they could be chill, calm, mature, no jealousy etc. But I do believe one can never truly know that until they are in that situation.

I’m not an overly jealous person; my man and I talk about good looking folk (males and females) we are very comfortable with ourselves as individuals and as a “unit” However, I know I’ve got zero interest in an open relationship. Just doesn’t tickle my fancy.

One misconception I think is common about open relationships in the mainstream population is that people who do it don’t respect their partners. I have always viewed it as the opposite; it must take a lot of respect, security and love for a partner to have a proper open relationship.


If couples can make it work for them, it’s joint and mutual and no one gets hurt. Then crack on with it

 

[tiddles]

I have been a divorce lawyer for many many many years (showing my age) and I see the very very weird side of arrangements like this even when couples state that it didn't initiate the decision to divorce. It's always mentioned in some way or another.

Usually when couples 'want to try new things' its playing golf together or going on cruises. Not bleeping other people.

I think a set up like this is the beginning of the end and I'm not just saying that because I see the weird side of marriage. Things are obviously not that good.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I was in a open relationship when younger (early 20's) it was great fun at the time then I discovered he was sleeping with escorts etc not just randoms and was hiding it, just not coming home some nights, no text or nothing. Sex just became a thing rather than something special.

I've been with my husband 10 years, our sex life is dull and I would love the thrill of sleeping with another but I couldn't imagine losing that intimacy with my husband.

Good luck with whatever you decide though, my only advice is to communicate with each other and review it regularly.

 

[Be More Pacific]

Also, is this really something you want to consider when you have two young kids in the mix as well? Imagine how ducked up they're going to be if they get wind of it (kids aren't stupid) or worse, you split up because of it.

Maybe I'm just an old prude but it just all sounds a bit sleazy to me I'm afraid especially when you have kids.