Open Marriage. Does it work?

[tiddles]

I have been a divorce lawyer for many many many years (showing my age) and I see the very very ugly side of arrangements like this even when couples state that it didn't initiate the decision to divorce. It's always mentioned in some way or another.

Usually when couples 'want to try new things' its playing golf together or going on cruises. Not fucking other people.

I think a set up like this is the beginning of the end and I'm not just saying that because I see the ugly side of marriage. Things are obviously not that good.

 

[JD-Morgan]

What’s the point of being together if you both want to sleep with other people?

Personally think it’s just an excuse to sleep with different people, but each to their own.

 

[judsmum]

Is ‘trying’ an open marriage worth losing a good marriage over because what are you gonna do if he falls in love with someone else? Or you do? What are you gonna do if one of you DOES get jealous? What you gonna do if someone you sleep with decides that actually they’d like a bit more than just sex and won’t leave you alone? It’s not just gonna go back to normal. It’s going to fester and any festering wound damages things. I think it sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster and things actually are that good then I can’t see how the risk is worth taking.

 

[Be More Pacific]

Also, is this really something you want to consider when you have two young kids in the mix as well? Imagine how fucked up they're going to be if they get wind of it (kids aren't stupid) or worse, you split up because of it.

Maybe I'm just an old prude but it just all sounds a bit sleazy to me I'm afraid especially when you have kids.

 

[jewelkitty]

I have no experience with it but they do say once you open up a marriage there's never any going back on it. It's done.
I personally would say why risk ruining a great thing?

 

[Be More Pacific]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

Personally, for me, that would be way worse.

I don't want to even think about my boyfriend going off and fucking someone else never mind actually watching him do it.

Then again, if he suggested trying an open marriage, I'd promptly pack my stuff and leave him so.....

 

[JoeBloggs]

A close friend of mine had one, they both dated for a few months then she decided she didn’t want to open anymore. He refused to end things on his side with a work colleague. They were divorced within a year.

 

[Readread]

I worked with someone in the past who was in an open relationship and it ended up being very sneaky and behind back, involving having sex with a lot more people than initially agreed and no communication.

I personally don't think anything good could come from an open relationship. But then again I'm a jealous bitch and the thought of anyone touching my man fills me with rage He's mine

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

 

[JD-Morgan]

Hmm, I'm not in an open relationship myself, but I don't see sex and love as one and the same. Being married to someone forever is a looong time - I can see how you could very much be in love and committed but still want to explore your sexuality.

Don't get married then.

Stay single and sleep with as many people as you want without any strings.

There are friends for companionship, I just think it's too messy especially when kids are involved.

 

[Maisie842]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but agree that there would be a huge amount of risk, and potentially harm could be caused that can't be undone, and that would be so incredibly sad for a very happy relationship to end.

Please correct me of course if I'm wrong, but it sounds like that this open marriage would mainly be with the focus on sex with other people rather than wanting to have multiple "full time" relationships?

I think it's a really easy thing to say that you or your husband aren't the type to get jealous, but if you've been in a monogamous relationship, then what's your reference point for that in this particular context?

There are so many things to consider. What if one of you develops feelings for another person? How will that impact your relationship with each other? Even though you're not jealous, will you feel like you're being unfaithful (even though consensual) if you're sleeping with someone else and think of your husband at home? What if the person you/him are sleeping with develops feelings for you or him? How would that work within your family dynamic? What if one of you has lots of dates and one of you doesn't? Will the other person feel resentful or feel like they're not good enough?

I think you need to figure out if this is just a fantasy or a reality for your relationship, and my personal opinion would be that if that either of you have any doubts whatsoever it's not worth risking what you have to find out.

Sorry, I really don't mean to sound callous and it's honestly not how it's meant to come across, but just some of the things I would be cosidering with a decision like this. Whatever you decide, hope it works out x

 

[Gillybean42]

I may be old fashioned but I believe that marriage is a committed relationship otherwise why bother? I got married to spend the rest of my life with my husband and to be faithful to each other?
It’s ur marriage and ur choice but please think of ur children... personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to be opening up a marriage when innocent kids can get hurt.

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

Wasn't married but I had an open relationship. I did want to do it initially too but I don't think I fully realised how it would feel - like it sounded great but once I was in the situation it wasn't. My ex slept with one of his best friends when we were supposed to only be seeing people who eachother didn't know. I had been around this friend for weeks before he even told me! Then when I was annoyed about it was well we are in a open relationship so no big deal. I wanted to change the situation and go back to being monogamous but once we were into it for a few months it was difficult to do, I felt like I couldn't go back on it because he was happy with it. Also a couple times he was seen out getting in a taxi with another girl he'd been chatting to and I was getting messages from girls I'd went to school with saying I've just seen your man with another girl and it was so awkward to be like yeah that's fine x

Again not saying it won't work for you, I was probably quite dumb and young to do it. It can work for some but make sure your 100℅ sure first xx

 

[Moley1]

Don't get married then.

Stay single and sleep with as many people as you want without any strings.

There are friends for companionship, I just think it's too messy especially when kids are involved.

My thoughts too. If you want this type of life fine, but don’t get married and have children. To me children need to be raised in a safe and loving environment which means total commitment from both sides. As soon as you break that commitment you open a huge can of worms. Is the risk really worth it if you are both happy?

 

[Nimel93]

A couple I know had been together but not married for 14 years, have one daughter who is 6 and both lost an insane amount of weight recently. Their personalities changed dramatically overnight, both going from being quite a happy normal family to suddenly no mention of the girl, both ultra alternative in a way they never were before, then lo and behold they and another girl I know (who has form for breaking up marriages and relationships) all changed their FB to in an open relationship. Since then you only ever seem to see the guy and this new girl together, and the woman originally in the relationship keeps posting really morbid stories on her Instagram. She spent years telling us that she wasn’t that happy and that he was lazy, spent all day on video games smoking weed and she had to do everything, so it’s hard to believe the thruple was built on solid foundations.
Honestly I don’t believe there is a one size fits all for relationships, but if you’re into that kind of alternative lifestyle I’d think you’d have been long seeking it, and it should happen from the start of a relationship. Bringing a third person into it will end in tears, I’m certain.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

What’s the point of being together if you both want to sleep with other people?

Personally think it’s just an excuse to sleep with different people, but each to their own.

Hmm, I'm not in an open relationship myself, but I don't see sex and love as one and the same. Being married to someone forever is a looong time - I can see how you could very much be in love and committed but still want to explore your sexuality.

 

[PavlovaSupernova]

No actual advice as I have no experience of it and don’t know anyone that does, but Tova Leigh has talked about it on her instagram and apparently discusses it in more detail in her book. I think her situation may be similar in that she instigated it?
Her book is called F*cked at 40. I haven’t read it but it may be useful?

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

Don't get married then.

Stay single and sleep with as many people as you want without any strings.

There are friends for companionship, I just think it's too messy especially when kids are involved.

I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship myself, but I don't think that a monogamy is a prerequisite for being in a marriage. Does that mean that cultures practising polygamy/polyandry should just do away with marriage completely?

I don't think there is a set blueprint which every couple needs to comply with - we're all different and have different needs. As long as you're both happy in your relationship, how you live out your sex lives shouldn't matter.

 

[cakebytheocean]

I just don’t agree with it/would never do it, my man’s mine, others can do as they please.

Open relationships are not the same as polyamorous relationships or polyandry. That’s a whole different conversation.

A couple I know (they've been married for 5 years now, together for 10) are in a polyamorous relationship. The wife has another boyfriend and the husband has a girlfriend, it really works for them but I am way too jealous for that!

 

[Wellubcherub]

If you want to open up your marriage to try new things, would it maybe be worth dipping your toes in the water before going all in straight away? Would you consider trying a threesome first, for example, to suss out how you both feel about being with another person together before you start seeing other people apart?

I was going to write this, it would be your first test to see if it works for the both of you. You're both with someone else...together. you are both in control of the situation and either of you can stop it at any time if it's uncomfortable.