Niomi Smart #58 She wanted a ring, instead all she got was a piece of string.

[sydneybarrett]

The Curious Case of Disappearing Boobs

If found, please return to owner

 

[formerly_sitkx]

If Niomi is desperate for guidance, I am going to give her some life coaching here for free.
I have no formal training in psychology/psychiatry/therapy, which means I am as qualified to be a *life coach* as Lordon

Niomi’s survival guide:

1. Break up and cut all ties with wanna-be Keith Raniere of the NXIVM cult, absolutely block him and his sister on every platform (sorry Holly, it’s collateral damage)
2. Cut your losses and move back to London
3. Rent a nice small flat in Notting hill, like the one she had post-Marcus, or the one her friend rented to her post-DJ
4. Continue renting out shed on Airbnb for passive income, use that to pay rent
5. START INTENSE THERAPY for eating disorders & hopefully restore some body weight
6. Reconnect with Charlotte, apologize profusely for past behaviors & rekindle friendship
7. Finally commit to some serious therapy dealing with DJ trauma. And I mean like genuinely serious, as in twice a week, CBT homework and all
8. Reconnect with family as much as possible, do monthly trips to Brighton to spend quality time
9. Revert to a Kate Middleton dupe era. We all know she loves channeling that energy
10. Find a new social media agency to partner with, something akin to Gleam
11. For cryin out loud, just embrace your influencer career and start making old style vlogs like it’s 2016. Make stable ad revenue income from youtube and keep “busy” with churning out posh Londoner content. Zoella is still staying afloat doing old-style youtube
12. Re-enter the London “posh” scene, which she loves. Hopefully, new agency can finally get her back on the PR lists for events and award ceremonies and all that crap
13. Get involved in some charity and volunteer work to build up self-worth and cultivate a sense of belonging
14. Continue doing the above and eventually meet some guy from her newly developed social circles. Some of you won’t agree, but I am convinced that her meeting someone fitting is 95% likely to happen after therapy (I'm a glass half full person )
15. Be upfront with the potential suitors about what she wants in her future: marriage, kids, country house, “til death do us part”
16. Eventually, have a spark with some Prince William dupe who is on the same page about future goals
17. Hopefully, by this point she has worked through all her control issues and ED issues in therapy, so there won’t be a repeat of DJ scenario
18. Date the DJ clone until all her dreams come true
19. Marriage, kids, sail off into sunset
20. Forget the years 2020-2022 and pretend they never happened.
21. Recommend me as a life coach to everyone she knows, so I can become Lordon's nemesis and cause his "career" downfall

The End

 

[Nitfey]

Since I'm just fed up with her dumb fake sad being and creep teeth nightmare aka unemployed looser, I will start to comment only with memes...

 

[sydneybarrett]

Okay so I wanted to post some of her insta captions & yt screenshots where she talks about their short-lived home.

In September she says 'it can feel hugely unsettling not having a permanent base'
*permanent not permenant Nims (side-effects of dating Forky I guess)

In October she says she feels the affects of living out of suitcase (now english isn't my first language but I'm pretty sure it should be 'effects' there).
She then says she's ready to be in London hopefully! for a while. More like hopefully! my boyfriend allows me to stay here now.

Also in October she says she's craving a sense of home & stability.
Special shoutout to her enormous drive to work on new businesses lmaooo good one, Niomi!

And boom! In November she moves in a home that finally feels right!
R.i.p. shed, we'll never forget you

Let's switch to youtube now.
She says she decided to move to London with her partner and she couldn't be happier about it #grounded #settled

Hey guys, welcome to our new home (where she didn't even live for two full months).

She complains how she couldn't sleep which makes no sense because she finally has a home (basically confirms that her 'nomad' lifestyle makes her feel stressed af):

She then says there's probably some obvious reason why she can't sleep. Here's a theory Nims, maybe it's your subconscious keeping you awake for ditching your best friend over that ugly ass donkey...... just a theory tho idk it could be caffeine too i guess...

Speaking of ditching friends, yeahh of course you don't need them you have a boyfriend now!
(and wtf is that outfit, looking like a greasy stalker)

not gonna lie she kinda lost me at this point, i think trees are speaking to her & they told her she needs to be a dogwalker??

This isn't really about their home but wanted to post in anyway - she made deliciousss chocolate brownies so the next step is to obviously.. freeze them....?
one bite a day keeps joey awayyy i guess...

At some point she says they always cook at home, sorry I mean The Nest:

She also says how usually her periods are painful but now thanks to finally feeling #grounded & #settled her period has been lovely:

Then they go to Dublin for Christmas, then in January to Bali because princess Niomi can't survive winter months in Europe.
At some point in February she posts about big decisions which I assume has to do with giving up on Kensington flat.
She says only you have full control of your life & only you make decisions for yourself, no one else. If I was in The Office I'd look at the camera right now.

Now tell me after all that does today's post seems enthusiastic at all, or even a little bit?
To me it sounds like a cry for help.

 

[HelloStereo]

New reel, same recycled content. Maybe she hasn’t given up on her ‘sustainability’ yet, but she definitely has on her digital career.
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Also, just because it’s in colour doesn’t make it brand new. Talk about lazy, sheesh.

Can’t forget about Lordon either. They are so boring, but I guess that’s what happens when you’ve got nothing else going on in life.
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"Catching up"? Don't they spend every minute together. What on earth do they have to catch up on

 

[Ciri]

:3

 

[ToxicPony]

This man has basically arranged a get together where people pay to sit in a circle and chitchat, and everyone is acting like he's Bob Geldof at Live Aid.

 

[mg95]

God she's pathetic. Lordon absolutely did a bait and switch on her and pretended they were going to be in Kensington for the long term. She put up photos and prattled on about how she finally felt like she was 'home'. They invited friends and family over for housewarming. She was wandering the streets aimlessly like the old days and over the moon to be posting the stores and cafes frequented by the wealthy crowd. She was getting what she wanted again and then he took it away. She must feel so uneasy all the time knowing that at the snap of a finger Lordon can uproot their life. If she had some independence and strength like she thinks she does (ref: her mother's day post) she wouldn't put up with it but she's weak and lonely. This is going to keep happening to her for the rest of her life. She'll follow a man anywhere. She went from uni to London with Marcus and then she moved out of Notting Hill to be with Joe and then she followed him to India and then his family cottage and then his apartment with Freddie before being thrown out. Then after a brief stint back in her parent's place/Notting Hill it was the shed in the Forky era to prove a point before following Lordon and his false dream of living in Kensington and then to Bali and now his PARENT'S HOUSE IN DUBLIN. How sad. She's a whole 31 year old home owner and she's freeloading on the White's sofa. So beyond pathetic.

 

[lilamay]

Not the first time she's worn red and stuck out like a sore thumb...

 

[Callan]

I legit think that they are wandering around town going from business to business offering Niomi's Instagram services to give them exposure for some freebies.. that's what she considers work.

She looks like she's at the morgue identifying a body or something. Bread really scares her huh...

She's probably thinking "Sin, all this sin around me!"

 

[ItsMeMartha]

Seems Legit

 

[Shutterbug99]

Gosh, he's so unattractive. I know, I know, I sound like a broken record. Haha!

The way she looks at him...She is besotted.

 

[Anneliese2199]

I forgot what she looked like with clothes on

 

[QueenBW]

Calling Ireland “Home” now is she? Eejit. The Dragon fruit thing is pissing me off big time. The cheek and entitlement. Never felt so territorial in my life.

She's obsessed with morphing into her boyfriends. Classy Joe? Classy Nimbobs who wanted to attend events at Buckingham Palace and couldn't be more British if she tried. Wild Ham? I mean Bradley? Wild Nimbecile who traveled to Paris in skimpy dresses and was as chav as she could. Toothy Culty? Carefree Nimboobs who wants to be a digital nomad and be spiritual and free I'm Bai but also calls Ireland - a country I don't think she'd ever mentioned prior to 2022 - home.

A psychiatrist would have a field day with her personality and attachment disorder.

 

[Anneliese2199]

if emptiness was a picture

 

[Callan]

For the night that was in it? I don't understand what he's trying to say.

 

[lcd77]

We all know Nims doesn't eat bread, so why is she getting a tour of a bakery?

View attachment 2055272

She has completely lost the plot!

View attachment 2055275

This is riveting content. I can't wait to see what she does next. Yawn!

WTF is she wearing? That's the outfit I wear when I walk my dogs on the countryside or when I get the trash out. She really is turning into Lordon with his gray sweatpants looks

 

[prive0505]

#BringBackForky

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Im sorry, but she doesn't need professional advice. She just needs to grow up!.
Her break up wasn't painful. It was just embarrasing.

Let’s not be silly about this. It clearly would have been painful. She’s a human at the end of the day.

 

[Shutterbug99]

She has actually lost it.