Niomi Smart #32 Mystic Nimbob & the Philosopher's Shed

[sitkx]

Hello everyone and happy December 2nd!
I'm back with VLOGMAS, and today we are teleporting back to The Fashion Awards of 2019 ~
(This vlog is 20 freaking minutes long, so bear with me here)




- "I woke up later than I should've, at 7, and just been faffing around the house for an hour...and it's now... *checks phone* ...8!"

(Niomi calculating 7 plus 1)

- In just 2 minutes we get to experience the full range of Niomi's vocabulary (timestamps 03:20-05:36) "beuchiful day", "such a beuchiful salon", "beauchiful couture dresses, they're all made so beauchifully", "these two beauchiful shoes here", "they're all absolutely beauchiful".
The beautiful shoes in question:

Just to remind you, this is 2019 and not 2007.

- For the newbies on this thread, here she shows off the ring that Joe bought her at an antique shop that she's been spotted wearing a few days ago (while also posting sappy Instagram stories with a depressing song about him):

- Niomi explains that she left the hairstylist booking for the freaking red carpet to the very last minute, so she had to find a completely random stylist on some app the night before (#AD? #Sponsored? #gifted? Who knows)

- I’m being petty, but has anyone ever noticed how when she's talking, she constantly has to stop and swallow really hard, then tsk?? It makes my skin crawl (02:20, 07:41, 09:10, 09:51, 10:25).

(Pictured: me, listening to her gulping every two minutes)

- She lists like 50 beauty treatments that she had done in preparation for the red carpet, then says very self-importantly, "But I didn't have a facial — didn't have time. Would've been nice, but didn't have time". Remember how the DAY BEFORE THIS she had a whole free day, but "didn't have time" for a facial because she's very busy and important

- Hairstylist listening to Niomi talk for licherally the entire time she's doing her hair:
(For this activity, we will play Spot The Difference!)

Spoiler

There's no difference

(Pictured: hairstylist telepathically sending SOS signals to the makeup artist)

Meanwhile, Niomi (bragging about Joe, probably):

Her monologue, according to me: “Yeah Joey is just, like, SO dreamy. Absolutely pahhhfect. Look at this beauchiful ring he bought me at the antique shop, it’s just done so beauchifully, it will go beauchifully with my dress tonight. I’m going to the fashion awards, did you know? Anyway, Joey is just licherally so pahfect, he’s quite dreamy, isn’t he…I’m not a yewchewba though, if you’re wondering. People licherally think I’m an influencer, but I’m licherally not. By the way, are you in the market for a new mop by any chance? —“

“—and Joey is in India right now, which is just so beauchiful and absolutely dreamy. It’s licherally pahfect, but I’ll have to remember to hide the peanut butters when he comes back. Did I mention that he’s quite close with the royal family? It’s quite dreamy—“

“—so then my best friend Charlotte introduced us. I call her Bridget Jones, isn’t it licherally a pahfect name for her? You know, I woke up quite late yesterday, at around 5AM, which is just so unlike me! I did plan to go on a 35km run, but I was listening to my body and only did a 32km run…it was quite dreamy though. I came home and had a Feel New tea, which is licherally so pahfect, but it was quite filling, so I skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner—“

(Pictured: Niomi realizing that her Saturn return is scheduled for 2020)

- After the hair and makeup, Niomi humblebrags that Joey has already sent her not one, but two bouquets of flowers and some money for sticky toffee pudding, and that he will be returning on the 12th.

Spoiler

He did not

(Pictured: Joey watching from India, knowing damn well he's not returning on the 12th)

- We get a brief foreshadow of 2020/2021 below, and she finally sets off to the event.

- This vlog was a freaking drag and a bore, and so I just leave you with this:

(Pictured: Niomi clearly hating being compared to Severus Snape)
----------------------------------------------------------------

Y'all, I'm already getting tired of watching her vlogs...

Me, talking to myself after I agreed to do all her vlogmas videos:

Anyway, good night

 

[sitkx]

Hi everyone, and happy December 5th!
I'm back with yet another VLOGMAS commentary that no one asked for

Today, we tackle a big one -- 24 min two-days-combined vlog:



- Niomi begins the vlog by telling us, "wow wow wow what a night the Fashion Awards was!" just to remind us plebs that she attended the Fashion Awards and we didn't. This will be a running theme through the video.

- She explains that she's going to Soho Farmhouse, aka "one of my favorite places in the whole entire world", lmao

(Pictured: well-traveled Niomi, whose favorite place in the entire world is Soho Farmhouse)

- "Feel totally spoiled being at the Fashion Awards last night, and now going to Soho Farmhouse [for 2 days]. I mean what even is my life? It's ridiculous and I love it", she says self-indulgently with fake humility. I'm not sure if you guys know, but she attended the Fashion Awards last night. Did you know? The Fashion Awards?

- "It's 10:30 and I'm in my dressing gown! This is unheard of! I'm normally up by or before 7, workout, and ready and working by 9!"

- Niomi says she got a text from Joe that there's a cupcake waiting for her at a cupcake place.

(Pictured: Niomi instructing Joe before his India trip to get her a cupcake on the 3rd of December...or else)

(Pictured: Niomi showing Joey where the cupcake place is)

- In a desperate attempt to appease his master, Joey ordered not one, but a whole box of cupcakes.

(Pictured: Joey in India dialing the cupcake place to order the vegan cupcakes)

- A very smug and satisfied Niomi tells us that this is deja vu, because last year Joey ordered her a cupcake that said "miss you" on it.
"This year, major upgrade, I got SIX! Wow, okay...I'm gonna have to...try to...have the willpower not to eat them all"

- Niomi then pretends to try one of the cupcakes:

- We get an undeclared #AD #GIFTED for a range rover with vegan interiors: "When my friends get in, they think it's leather, and I'm like, nope!"

(Pictured: Niomi pointing at all her friends)

- "I just had to edit the video of the Fashion Awards, it was really fun, such a fun evening"

- We get to witness her masochistic tendencies and lack of critical thinking skills when Niomi says she will be biking to the gym the next morning, on a bike that is quite literally frozen solid:

Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Niomi on Instagram, after she rides a frozen bike in December for no reason whatsoever:

- She eventually returns home from Soho Farmhouse, and immediately goes to an hour-long hot yoga session because "the thought of being hot and sweaty is really appealing right now"

- She comes back from yoga, which was dreamy (what a surprise), and:
1) tells us AGAIN that Joey sent her money for sticky toffee pudding
2) tells us AGAIN that he sent her a bouquet of flowers
3) tells us AGAIN that he got her vegan cupcakes
4) tells us AGAIN that he is doing 12 days of advent for her

- Niomi explains that today dreamy Joey donated money in her name to sponsor some turtles.
Also Niomi:

- She makes a random "buddha bowl" for dinner and pretends to watch an episode of the Crown.

The End
---------------------------------------------------

Until next time, my tattle friends! x

 

[sitkx]

Beautiful Tattlers, since it's December 1st at last, I'm gonna resume my VLOGMAS programming.
This is for my dreamy Tattle friends who enjoy reminiscing!

We're gonna have to use our time machines and transport to better days, AKA December 2019 (the final Joemas ).
For context, this is when they got engaged and were moving to India in January.
Be warned, 2019 Niomi is extra smug



- No daily Vlogmas. She says there's too much going on, too much "admin stuff" (lol) and "house stuff", so she will be combining days into one vlog
- This is followed by her saying, "today is really chilled, I got no plans". What the fuck happened to all that admin stuff then? Why not do it, if you have no plans for the day??

- With trembling hands, she tells us she had a "big night out" and went to sleep at 4:30am So naturally, what do you do after a big night out? You drag poor old Fredward to the same fucking vegan cafe that you drag him to every single time.

(Pictured: Freddie, after Joe begs him to meet Niomi for lunch)

- "So I'm a bit tired, not feeling 100%", she says proudly. Stay home then?

- We are BLESSED with one of her ugliest sunglasses to date. Who does she look like? (wrong answers only)

- "So I'm here with FreddyYyYyyy", she sing-songs, "we've come to our FAVE cafe, for our FAVE smoothies". Meanwhile, Freddie, at his fave cafe with his fave smoothie:

(Pictured: the face of someone who is saying "kill me now" really happy).

- At home, she says she's been on her phone browsing instagram because "Sundays are for resting", unless of course Joe is in town, in which case "I always plan loads".

(Pictured: Joey, when he is woken up at 5AM on a Sunday to go on a 30km run).

- She says she gets "cabin fever" and needs to get out of the house, even though it's raining. Imagine being so dull that you can't spend absolutely any time with your own thoughts.

- "I must lose umbrellas licherally every monf or something, story of my life". She's so quirky and disorganized, you guys! Isn't it just soOoOo cute?

- She says with a smug smile, "Who remembers last year, when Freddie came and bought the Christmas tree with me? It was SO FUN".

(Pictured: Freddie on Dec.1, 2018, seeing if he can maybe make his escape while she is not looking)

- "Bless him, Fred put it all up for me...cause Joe was in India again!" Now ladies, don't forget to find yourself a man for the holiday season -- who else will put up your Christmas tree? Surely not you! After all, we are just weak women females. Oh moon!

- She finally reveals that Joe is in India for 5 weeks, and will return mid-December. Same thing happened last year and "Freddy basically took his place"

- Pahhhfect dinner (lol) to conclude the coziest Sunday, doesn't it just look scrumptious:

- She pretends to be watching "Seven Worlds, One Planet" with David Attenborough, probably because that's something Kate Middleton would be watching. She says she will watch another episode of the Crown after this. Sure, Jan. This is somebody who's been "watching" the first 10 minutes of Succession for like 3 weeks now.

(Pictured: Niomi trying to figure out what episode she's watching because she's been paying such close attention and definitely not browsing Instagram the whole time)

- She concludes the vlog by very smugly telling the viewers she'll be spending all day tomorrow getting ready for The Fashion Awards:

End of Vlogmas # 1

Stay tuned for the Fashion Awards girlies

 

[LolitaBlah]

Been reading the last 5 pages... and like... I mean.. I.. since Paris.. expired.. like I.. what..

 

[LolitaBlah]

Niomi Smart #33: Vaccine expired.. almost youtube retired.. we tattlers are just tired

 

[LolitaBlah]

look at this comment under his post:

I'm litcherally crying
Are you Terrina darling???

 

[sydneybarrett]

I made a Niomi bingo card. Just some of the annoying things she says/does. I call it "Just Nims things".

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

A buddy of mine died last Tues aged 34 of Covid complications. We weren't super close but it hit me hard. A life is a life. He had no preexisting issues. He went to work, came home, spent time with his kids, did nothing unnecessary, wore a mask.

Then you get this utter cunt. The gall of her.

 

[EGuyUK]

WHAT. So she does have Covid? F**king hell, yet she carried on as normal after Paris and went to the charity event and a few other places? Arghhhhhhhh. Hate her. I hope she hasn't killed anyone. Released on the 10th means she was infectious when she was out and about last week

 

[AnnaMel]

Just expired??? THIS WOMAN IS SERIOUSLY FUCKING STUPID....as was said about Mrs Bennet from Pride and Prejudice: "She was not especially clever"

 

[Prefrontalmedialcortex]

This comment. Under her latest youtube video.

 

[LolitaBlah]

Somebody cut the internet cable in her shed please so this nonsense stops.

 

[Thisisnotanad]

AHaha love the title, really makes me think of her tiny house. She legit lives like this:

But make it chic…and woke and don’t forget the skimpy clothes!

 

[sydneybarrett]

Normal person: "Niomi you shouldn't hav-..."
Niomi:

 

[earlgrey]

Vaccine expired has to get on the next thread title

 

[earlgrey]

The nerve of her writing “stay safe” at the end of her post! Like I am trying to stay safe Niomi, people repeatedly going out into crowds fir non essential reasons whilst knowingly infected and maskless make that a bit difficult!

 

[AnnaMel]

She really has guts to post this...

 

[mg95]

She's been running around the UK and France unmasked and in close proximity to countless people. She should be ashamed and embarrassed. And she had the nerve to say it was just a "cold" and comment that she'd been tested last week and it was negative. Did she lie and not actually get tested/her results until now? Wouldn't put it past her. She's been in close contact with Forky, Charlotte, Big Tezza and Grandpa Ian, her cousin, her parents, younger sister, Charlotte and her party attendees, her tarot reader, the people at the retreat in Devon, her new friend with the dog... Who am I missing?

 

[rjf123]

Brain dump:

As it’s coming up to vlogmas time it just dawned on me… despite my reservations about some things from Niomi I always always always loved her vlogmas. From her first year with Joe I found myself romanticising her life and - despite being genuinely incredibly happy with my husband, our beautiful house, our lives - I found myself feeling so envious and jealous of her and her *better* life. I would take inspiration from her to the point I probably copied some things, the activities they did, the food they cooked etc. I felt almost guilty for feeling jealous as I know I’m extremely lucky to live the life I do, but perspective and hindsight are wonderful aren’t they? Now I look at the way she behaves and feel at best second hand embarrassment, at worst actual pity. While I don’t blame her for it, the everything-is-perfect rose tinted glasses look at her perfect December days could not have been true at all. It taught me never to compare my genuine life to what I see online. My husband and I are absolutely not perfect and definitely disagree from time to time, I can’t just go drop £££ in selfridges/Jo Malone/theatre experiences etc because we have a budget and financial goals, I don’t have a grand family home to escape to for days on end when I don’t want to adult any more. But I am truly “on the inside” happy and grateful. She faked the “perfect” life, relationship, work/life balanc etc for so long, even moreso through vlogmas. Just a reminder to anyone that needs it, especially this holiday season, that a lot of what you see online isn’t real and it’s the everyday, real life moments that really do count

 

[QueenBW]

View attachment 899701

Why is Big T so weird? Who writes that under her granddaughter's public instagram account? Why not send her a text or call her or DM her?