Niomi Smart #31 Forky the porky and fourchette la baguette

[LolitaBlah]

Ladies and gentlemen, here is your new thread! Sorry for the delay, I litecherally had the longest day at work and just got home!!
Thank you to everyone who collaborated for the thread title, most of all @Lionsden and @Nitfey, it’s just pawfect.

Special mention to the other contender, also by the fabulous @Nitfey : Niomi Smart #31: Niomoi's three dimensions: dumb, dumber and dumbest

So, it's time for the recap but first:
Disclaimer 1: Stinky pimp porky forky and Dick Van Fork are the same person. You know who, get it done!
Disclaimer 2: if you’re eating skip it. It’s vomit inducing.


The recap of the Paris thread also known as: douche and douchette sniffing da baguette!
( Nimbobs and Forky, the romcom, episode 1)

• Dick Van Fork and Nimbitch la Fourchette have graced us with their royal presence for the weekend in Paris, one of the most multicultural cities in the world, the city where you go as a wanna be posh couple lovers to live your instagrammable booty call WE for your first intimate love escapade. Vomit.
• They obviously wore berets (because, people in paris only wear that otherwise you’re not in Paris) with an interesting combination of leopard printed coats, sweatpants, converses, corsets and scrappy heels. vomit
• Nimbitch found the one and only vegan bakery in the whole city… vomit.
• They went to the Louvre, at 5:30pm when it closes at 6:30 and they visited… the Lisa and the Mona… vomit.
• They saw some crowns of Kings and queens of France and now they want them for Christmas… vomit
• They went to a night show of half naked « females » and our favorite vegan Dimbobs had a very very intresting-100%-non-vegan dinner. Vomit.
• They took photos in front of notre Dame and it made Porky the Forky think of his childhood favorite Disney Movie. Vomit.
• They took photos in front of the Eiffel tour, and bam instagram. Photos in Place Vendome and bam instagram. In front of la seine for forky and Bam.. you guessed it… instafuckinggram.. vomit
• They ate a BROCHE. vomit
• Forky ate snails with a fork and then forked with fourchette. Yes that’s a whole sentence that makes a lot of sense. Vomit.
• They obviously stayed at Soho house, GASP.
• After spending 48 hours in Paris, Dick Van Fork became a tourist guide and his tip is to walk a lot when in Paris.. like waw Forky.. MIND BLOWN.

No masks were worn in this trip. As France (and Europe) is bracing itself for an awful covid and flue season, it pains me to see such idiots acting as if there is no pandemic going on right now in the world.

Oh moon!

 

[laplusheureuse96]

Guys, not sure how exactly I got through that torture, but I just finished listening to a podcast featuring our beloved Forky (Live well, be well) and I can’t believe what my ears had to endure. Why am I surprised that he only rambled on and on about things, repeated himself SEVERAL times and failed to answer ANY question concisely? My 3 personal highlights:

1) When asked about his role model, he proclaimed that HE was his own biggest inspiration, that he inspired HIMSELF

2) He referred to himself as an ALPHA male

3) In true Niomi-fashion, he emphasized the importance of being selfish and putting yourself first as one of the best life lessons he got

Simply put, Forky and Dimbobs are LICHERALLY made for each other!

 

[buzzy123]

There’s nothing more infuriating than two people who don’t work telling you to get outside and ‘get it done’

 

[Pundertaker]

People like Forky and Nims like to believe that those with different physiques just don't have the same skill or willpower as them. It's not true. We all have limited reserves of willpower, time, and physical energy, and use them in different ways out of necessity.

As others have rightly said, all the time and energy these two have goes into their bodies--nothing of substance goes into their brains. They live selfish lives with little responsibility.

Forky, you're welcome to come and try my life over the past few years. I was caring for two relatives, my child was diagnosed with autism, I had two jobs, and still managed to get a distinction in my part time Master's degree. I don't have abs and I barely get to the gym, but if you'd like to tell me that I'm lazy or lacking in willpower, you can fuck the fuck off. I'm certainly not the only one in this position. Frankly, a lot of us are performing miracles on the daily. Obliques are not miracles.

 

[Lovemeabitoftea]

Oh hi engagement ring! Long time no see!

I forgot how smug she was!

Niomi when she was engaged:

 

[sitkx]

I know he can't help his name but imagine actually dating someone called Brad. You couldn't make it up could you.

The Brads of the thread when they see your post:

 

[Ms.Marble]

He just comes off as such a knob. I thought his profession was to be a trainer!?!? And Niomi won't be happy that he's suggesting that their profession is to influence people. Excellent content creators the pair of them.

Right, Slime Fork, that is why you deleted the comment saying you loved yourself, huh? Because it was too much of a compliment.....

 

[Pundertaker]

"Taking a moment to think of those who have lost their homes," she says, sitting in an expensive restaurant, surrounded by freebies and floristry that costs more than some people's monthly rent. Do fuck off, Ni-Tory.

I'd love to know how L'Occitane think giving influencers like her free stuff and luxury launch events genuinely helps homeless people. It's performative and lazy. Corporate marketing disguised as philanthropy is one of the stalest tricks in the book. Bleugh.

 

[Shutterbug99]

Actual LOL!

 

[QueenBW]

Ok quick recap

- This was filmed after Paris, her voice sounds awful.
- She has a financial advisor. Can't believe this person let her buy a house that honestly isn't such a good deal. But you gotta wonder how very much set for life she is now.
- Ad with Vashi that is a good 5 min long.
- "The past couple of days I've just had like full admin, meetings kind of days." Oh, sweet idiot Niomi. Most of us have those things included in our normal days.
- She claims she can't have a full day at home which is "so frustrating" but her brain and her body won't let her. Makes sense. I don't think she hates her house as much as she hates herself. There's no one else in her house, ergo, she must get out of there to fill her empty soul with other people, with things, with ads.
- Goes to Sussex for the weekend, claims it's her "grandfather's birthday" but we know from Granny T that his birthday dinner was when Niomi was in Paris forking the fork out of Forky.
- Undisclosed ad for the Jaguar.
- Gets a full tank of petrol. YAAAAS SUSTAINABILITY QUEEN.
- Grandfather, grandfather, grandfather. HIIIIIII NIOMI.
- She feels so at home and so peaceful at Granny T's and Grandpa Ian's mansion.
- Goes for a run in the rain because God forbid she just chills. Claims not to have exercised for 2 weeks. Guess walking 20k steps in Paris doesn't count and neither does porking Forky the Porky.
- Claims to be more in "chune" aka tune with her mind and body and allowing rest. RIIIIIGHT.
- "I won't do a proper 10 k, I'm not prepared." Does 8k.
- Shows a just bought pastry, never shows it again.
- Goes to buy crystals and had a tarot card read. Talks a lot about the place, probably got a "press discount".
-Claims the reader told her she was a leader and someone who prioritizes her work. It's endearing and infuriating that she thinks anything in her life would count as actual work for the rest of us.
- She feels her "guides" around her. She feels guidance from something. So, like, there are spirits out there guiding her to shill shit to people and get everything for free? Guess Satan must have started a new business venture cause those certainly don't sound like good spirits.
- She claims to feel so much stronger than before and that she's beyond healed, she's still her but a stronger version. LOL.
- Claims that when "it" happened, she vowed to make this the best thing that ever happened to her and she HAS.
- But then claims there's still hurt and pain in her heart. And she will carry all of it forever and she won't ever fully move on. WHICH IS IT NIOMI?
- Apparently the tarot card reader told her to go on more travel! And nature.
- She has gone on a journey to rediscover who she is.
- Claims that 2022 will be her career year and that she feels all this creativity and all these ideas.
- The tarot card reader said there were "men coming into my life." LOL. But she's not looking for that, guys. What is meant for you will come and find you.
- And she feels good because the reader told her that everything would work out for her.
- And a crystal found her.
- Her crystal is a "stone of nature." As opposed to all the other crystals? Like... they're all nature? What?
- Apparently this reader told her in a previous life she had been quieter. Guys. If past lives are a thing, we all agree Niomi is the newest soul ever, right? Like she's not even a fully developed soul. She's part greedy troll and part human at best.

THE END

 

[sitkx]

 

[sitkx]

Wait that’s actually kinda funny..I guess he does have a personality

 

[laplusheureuse96]

The fact that Forky feels the need to emphasize that the profiles of people criticizing him are “fake”… Sure, dude. Every single person that does not praise and adore you is automatically fake. What an insecure dumbass.

 

[QueenBW]

I know this isn't Forky's thread but I just saw this and I howled

Visiulise. WTF. How does he think that's the right spelling? Empty brains, just like Niomi. Match made in hell.

ETA: Of course these assholes ran with the dog unleashed. This is how bad things happen. It doesn't matter if the dog is super obedient, if the road was deserted. Truly, can they get worse? (yes, yes they can and they will).

 

[xoxogossigirl]

The only time, these two will ever be seen with each other

 

[sitkx]

finally big Tezza gets some screen time! Missed you my tacky posh-wannabe queen

 

[Callan]

Holy crap, that's cozy? She's sitting on the floor, 3 feet away from the tv and has one leg out the front door. I've never seen a more ridiculous setup.

 

[Callan]

She's acting as if Joe had her chained to the radiator for 3 years or something, when in reality she was the one dictating their entire lifestyle.

 

[Clover123]

Love how his description of niomi wanting to link arms makes her sound like she was hanging off him deadweight so he had to prop himself up with an umbrella he's deliberately made her sound clingy there!

The absolute balls of it, imagine FORKY thinking he's too good for you?! I'd never stop crying!

 

[getawaywithit]

“I hadn’t considered the moon!”

I hadn’t considered the moon!”

i HaDNT cOnSiDeReD tHe MoOn!