My partner cheated

[Justwishfulthinking]

Tom spoke about it on a show ( it's on Google too) he slept with over 250 behind his wife's back but would never leave her he was devoted to her and said she's most important person in his life ...look at Wayne Rooney and his shenanigans he could have set up home with any of they tarts he was with but he won't leave Colleen so she must be his true love even though he has done that to her

I think they stay with the wives for security and use the excuse of them being the most important person to them as a form of appeasing and control.

It’s often a case of the wife fits in with society expectations or it’s better to keep what they have than leave. I think if the wife/partner/girlfriend is fully aware than it’s an informed choice. If they think they’re in a exclusive/commuted relationship and the one “cheating” is being deceitful. That’s where the betrayal lies with me….the lies and dishonesty. X

 

[mozzarellagirl]

not people in this thread talking about forgiving and staying with cheating men get some self esteem

 

[PixieMum]

Resurrecting this thread as I can't sleep. I've been with my fiance for about 20 years and something's been off for a few weeks. He is just back from a golf weekend with his mates and I don't know why I did it but I looked in his wallet and bag when he went to bed. His wallet had Viagra (one used) which he appears to have got from pharmacy last week. His bag had a couple of boxes of condoms (one half empty). I am completely beside myself I don't know what to do. Our sex life isn't too great admittedly (I have quite a low drive) but we're so close as a couple (or so I thought). I know I need to confront him and kick him to the kerb but I'm scared about being on my own. Anyone out there got some advice?

 

[Joon]

Resurrecting this thread as I can't sleep. I've been with my fiance for about 20 years and something's been off for a few weeks. He is just back from a golf weekend with his mates and I don't know why I did it but I looked in his wallet and bag when he went to bed. His wallet had Viagra (one used) which he appears to have got from pharmacy last week. His bag had a couple of boxes of condoms (one half empty). I am completely beside myself I don't know what to do. Our sex life isn't too great admittedly (I have quite a low drive) but we're so close as a couple (or so I thought). I know I need to confront him and kick him to the kerb but I'm scared about being on my own. Anyone out there got some advice?

I know sometimes we don't like to know the truth but it will eat away at you, can you get strong and confront him, not in an aggressive way but calmly..I know you said you you are scared to be on your own but I doubt you could live with this, knowing what you have found. If he has cheated then perhaps it's better to have found out now than getting married and finding out afterwards. All the very best.

 

[PixieMum]

I know sometimes we don't like to know the truth but it will eat away at you, can you get strong and confront him, not in an aggressive way but calmly..I know you said you you are scared to be on your own but I doubt you could live with this, knowing what you have found. If he has cheated then perhaps it's better to have found out now than getting married and finding out afterwards. All the very best.

Thank you for your advice. I've already decided I will confront him later today and I will do so as calmly as I can. I've not slept and feel awful but you are right I can't even begin to ignore this.

 

[ChubClubThug]

Resurrecting this thread as I can't sleep. I've been with my fiance for about 20 years and something's been off for a few weeks. He is just back from a golf weekend with his mates and I don't know why I did it but I looked in his wallet and bag when he went to bed. His wallet had Viagra (one used) which he appears to have got from pharmacy last week. His bag had a couple of boxes of condoms (one half empty). I am completely beside myself I don't know what to do. Our sex life isn't too great admittedly (I have quite a low drive) but we're so close as a couple (or so I thought). I know I need to confront him and kick him to the kerb but I'm scared about being on my own. Anyone out there got some advice?

Before you confront him can you get hold of his phone/email? Check his bank statements, emails, social media, phone records. Because when confronted, they normally flat out deny it, despite the evidence you've already got that seems pretty concrete. Did he even go with his mates? Can you get proof of that before you confront him?

I'm so sorry, this is truly one of the most horrible things that can happen to someone.

 

[PixieMum]

Before you confront him can you get hold of his phone/email? Check his bank statements, emails, social media, phone records. Because when confronted, they normally flat out deny it, despite the evidence you've already got that seems pretty concrete. Did he even go with his mates? Can you get proof of that before you confront him?

I'm so sorry, this is truly one of the most horrible things that can happen to someone.

I confronted him when his alarm went this morning about the Viagra so before I saw your post. You are right he did try to deny it but I deliberately held the info back about the condoms so I knew he was lying. He eventually admitted it, a girl he met on his boys golf holiday last month, they arranged to meet this weekend so the 'golf weekend' with his mates was made up. I was and still am remarkably calm considering he tried to weasel his way out of it at first. At least he hasn't tried to turn it on me in any way (I would have lost it). I've sent him to work, fortunately I have a day off to consider what on earth I should do. I'm shattered and lost, we've been together so long. Keep the advice and good thoughts coming

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I confronted him when his alarm went this morning about the Viagra so before I saw your post. You are right he did try to deny it but I deliberately held the info back about the condoms so I knew he was lying. He eventually admitted it, a girl he met on his boys golf holiday last month, they arranged to meet this weekend so the 'golf weekend' with his mates was made up. I was and still am remarkably calm considering he tried to weasel his way out of it at first. At least he hasn't tried to turn it on me in any way (I would have lost it). I've sent him to work, fortunately I have a day off to consider what on earth I should do. I'm shattered and lost, we've been together so long. Keep the advice and good thoughts coming

I know the feeling of the bottom of your world collapsing, all I can say is take your time, minute by minute focus on you. If you can manage it eat something you love even if it’s a bit of chocolate. It does get easier. I’m 2 1/2 years past it.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I confronted him when his alarm went this morning about the Viagra so before I saw your post. You are right he did try to deny it but I deliberately held the info back about the condoms so I knew he was lying. He eventually admitted it, a girl he met on his boys golf holiday last month, they arranged to meet this weekend so the 'golf weekend' with his mates was made up. I was and still am remarkably calm considering he tried to weasel his way out of it at first. At least he hasn't tried to turn it on me in any way (I would have lost it). I've sent him to work, fortunately I have a day off to consider what on earth I should do. I'm shattered and lost, we've been together so long. Keep the advice and good thoughts coming

I’ve got no advice. Just an internet hug and straighten your crown and keep your chin up

 

[ChubClubThug]

I confronted him when his alarm went this morning about the Viagra so before I saw your post. You are right he did try to deny it but I deliberately held the info back about the condoms so I knew he was lying. He eventually admitted it, a girl he met on his boys golf holiday last month, they arranged to meet this weekend so the 'golf weekend' with his mates was made up. I was and still am remarkably calm considering he tried to weasel his way out of it at first. At least he hasn't tried to turn it on me in any way (I would have lost it). I've sent him to work, fortunately I have a day off to consider what on earth I should do. I'm shattered and lost, we've been together so long. Keep the advice and good thoughts coming

Sadly She's probably not the first. You said your love life has been off track, yet he can make all this effort for another woman He's too practised at this. It takes effort to go get viagra and condoms I'd say he's done it before.

You're in shock. It's going to come down on you like a ton of bricks so brace yourself. Try and get into his emails and socials etc. You'll find a lot there I suspect. The more evidence you can find the stronger you'll be in your thoughts. Have you got anyone you can turn to for support?

 

[PixieMum]

I've tried getting into emails but don't know password. He only has WhatsApp so can't get into that. I honestly don't know, he says first time but then again he must be very unlucky to be caught out first time. What gets me is I was so sure he was not that type of guy but his behaviour was so off the last month I knew something wasn't right. I've managed to sleep for an hour, going to try get some more so hopefully I can think straight. I've only told my boss so far as I wanted to change working arrangements later this week. I can't bear to tell my best friends yet

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I've tried getting into emails but don't know password. He only has WhatsApp so can't get into that. I honestly don't know, he says first time but then again he must be very unlucky to be caught out first time. What gets me is I was so sure he was not that type of guy but his behaviour was so off the last month I knew something wasn't right. I've managed to sleep for an hour, going to try get some more so hopefully I can think straight. I've only told my boss so far as I wanted to change working arrangements later this week. I can't bear to tell my best friends yet

I hope you’re okay 🤍

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I've tried getting into emails but don't know password. He only has WhatsApp so can't get into that. I honestly don't know, he says first time but then again he must be very unlucky to be caught out first time. What gets me is I was so sure he was not that type of guy but his behaviour was so off the last month I knew something wasn't right. I've managed to sleep for an hour, going to try get some more so hopefully I can think straight. I've only told my boss so far as I wanted to change working arrangements later this week. I can't bear to tell my best friends yet

You don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready and you’ve decided how you feel. Friends are great for wine and burning his shirts but they might not look at him the same way and struggle to accept your choices. Which are yours and no one else’s this is going to feel tit for so many reasons for a while but make sure you’re sleeping when you can and drinking water/tea/juice especially if you’re not eating. Also try to go outside and get some air, it’s soothing for your soul (unless you’re currently in NYC)

 

[quartz27]

I've tried getting into emails but don't know password. He only has WhatsApp so can't get into that. I honestly don't know, he says first time but then again he must be very unlucky to be caught out first time. What gets me is I was so sure he was not that type of guy but his behaviour was so off the last month I knew something wasn't right. I've managed to sleep for an hour, going to try get some more so hopefully I can think straight. I've only told my boss so far as I wanted to change working arrangements later this week. I can't bear to tell my best friends yet

I am so sorry you're going through this and I'm sending all the love and healing your way you don't need to tell anyone yet if you don't want to, especially if you feel that you won't get support. You deserve so much better than this and I really hope you find the strength and courage to leave him. If you have doubts about ending things, just think - why would you want to spend any more of your time investing in someone who can do something like this? Yes you've been together a very long time but you have a choice to start a new life and new story for yourself, do not settle just because you're scared of being alone.. surely you'll feel more alone in the relationship- how will you ever trust him again? Please know your worth. Of course if there's children / finances involved it can make the situation a lot more difficult but a plan can be made. Be kind to yourself, this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and how he feels about himself (negative).
You are worthy and enough! Do things that bring you joy, spend some time in nature, journal your thoughts and feelings down.. Plus we are here if you need a chat xxx

 

[Ro98]

I confronted him when his alarm went this morning about the Viagra so before I saw your post. You are right he did try to deny it but I deliberately held the info back about the condoms so I knew he was lying. He eventually admitted it, a girl he met on his boys golf holiday last month, they arranged to meet this weekend so the 'golf weekend' with his mates was made up. I was and still am remarkably calm considering he tried to weasel his way out of it at first. At least he hasn't tried to turn it on me in any way (I would have lost it). I've sent him to work, fortunately I have a day off to consider what on earth I should do. I'm shattered and lost, we've been together so long. Keep the advice and good thoughts coming

Sending you some strength & love to get through this! What a scumbag. I will never understand how / why they do it.
When you feel ready 100% tell your friends and family, you’ll need their support through this and they might be able to help you arrange things for the future. I know when you’re in that headspace it’s hard to remember to even eat let alone plan a future / home etc.
You will get through it and you deserve WAY more than this!!

 

[ChubClubThug]

I've tried getting into emails but don't know password. He only has WhatsApp so can't get into that. I honestly don't know, he says first time but then again he must be very unlucky to be caught out first time. What gets me is I was so sure he was not that type of guy but his behaviour was so off the last month I knew something wasn't right. I've managed to sleep for an hour, going to try get some more so hopefully I can think straight. I've only told my boss so far as I wanted to change working arrangements later this week. I can't bear to tell my best friends yet

I'd reset it so he can't get in there, balls to him. How old is he? As awful as it is, he's probably got secret accounts on many platforms to go undetected. Men like him tell their women they don't have snapchat, facebook, twitter, Instagram etc. Then they're all over it, you'd be surprised. If he's capable of cheating, he's capable of anything.


The absolute cheek of him just leaving this stuff in his bag! He knew you trusted him by the sounds of it, and he took advantage. I really feel for you it becomes really stressful if you've got joint mortgage/tenancy, bills together. I hope you've got someone you can trust to help you on this. Be careful who you tell in the first instance. Well done for keeping calm, I'd have put a golf club around his head and his car I think

 

[PixieMum]

He's mid 40s. We've no kids (fertility issues). I dunno a part of me thinks maybe he left things in bags on purpose, maybe he wants out but couldn't tell me.

I'll be ok as house is mine following inheritance, he's not on the deeds so more fool him. That at least is something although quite how I'll manage bills just myself goodness knows, I'll cross that bridge in time.

I managed to sleep some more this afternoon, he'll be home from work soon and I'm telling him he's out as I need space. He'll probably have to stay with his mum, that will be an interesting conversation, she will be furious with him as he was definitely not raised that way.

I can't believe this is happening. Thanks again everyone, I'm so touched with your messages of support, Tattlers are amazing x

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

How are you doing @PixieMum x

 

[PixieMum]

How are you doing @PixieMum x

Pretty grim truth be told. He's staying in a hotel for a few nights, clearly not ready to own up to family what he's done. I broke down when he left.

Finally found a way into one of his email accounts and history so I know where they stayed on Saturday but not much else. Does look like it is very recent. He finally said sorry. He does appear concerned about what happens if it is definitely over, I've said not my problem, he should have thought about that really shouldn't he?

 

[knivesnflowers]

never been in a relationship myself so can't really offer any advice but you're so much better off without him!! get yourself some fave snacks in and do a face mask / have a nice bath. put an easy watch or chick flick on and make a proper duck you playlist you can scream your head off to as well. just find any way to look after yourself emotionally, either distractions or confront it and let it all out, it'll probably be a mix of both.

find someone you can confide in without judgement too, if that's his mother then so be it! not your fault if she finds out from you, but maybe that's just me being super petty ...