TW - ectopic pregnancy, fainting, laparoscopic surgery severe blood loss, mental health/feelings of suicide
Day 3 of recovery from my ectopic pregnancy and I’ve just started to process bits of what’s actually happened
I just need somewhere to write it all out to help me accept what has happened and try to get through this. I don’t expect anyone to read it all as it’s so long but there’s a TLDR if you wanted to hear my story x
I went into A&E on Tuesday night 7 weeks pregnant with my first, unplanned pregnancy after experiencing heavy vaginal bleeding and cramping after just having a shower. My partner rushed me to our nearest A&E department and I remember also feeling nauseous and dizzy but put this down to first trimester and stress. My urine came back with high hCG levels and a bit of bacteria which was a suspected UTI. I had my bloods taken but no results given and then a physical/internal examination. My tummy seemed fine and through the speculum, the gynaecologist saw my cervix was closed and no other signs of bleeding which were all good signs. They simply referred me to an early scan on Thursday morning to rule out other possible complications or signs of an imminent miscarriage and then prescribed antibiotics for the suspected UTI.
I just remember my boyfriend feeling so positive and excited for the early scan whereas I just had that gut feeling something wasn’t right!
Fast forward to Thursday morning, after going to to the toilet normally straight after getting up at 8am I felt awful. Awful as in, I think I’m dying. My stomach was in the mist horrendous pain ever, like level 100000 period pains. I felt nauseous which led me to rush to get up thinking I should run to the toilet to be sick but it was actually because I was so faint and I passed out only for a few seconds before going back on the bed in the fetal position which was the only way I could like i wasn’t dying. I couldn’t sit up or move without feeling super light headed and sick, my boyfriend was in bed with me and woke up and saw how I was, thinking I was just feeling anxious for the day ahead (early scan and a job interview). All I could think of was I had might have a kidney infection from the UTI. I didn’t even consider it was anything wrong with the baby or connected to my earlier symptoms. Me thinking 999 was a stretch, he rang 111 and I managed to talk through my symptoms with them through short breaths. I was advised to be in A&E within the hour and they sent me an ambulance after assessing I clearly wouldn’t be physically able to sit up and travel in a car.
The paramedics came and suspected it was an ectopic pregnancy. My blood pressure was 60 systolic and I fainted again lying down, meaning a 4 man crew was called for back up to help get me down and onto the stretcher. I had 750 ml of saline but struggled so much to stay with it all. My boyfriend wasn’t allowed with me due to covid restrictions and I remember just feeling so scared. I knew what an ectopic pregnancy meant and they explained what would happen if that’s what it was but I was so unprepared for what was to come.
I arrived in resus with a team of 10-20 waiting for me and that’s the first moment it really hit me just how real and life changing this all would be. My blood pressure was still ridiculously low and I fainted again, which was their initial focus to continue trying to stabilise me. I remember this time being out cold for a few minutes and just not wanting to wake up. One of them got me to come around and all I can vividly remember was the gynaecologist coming in to feel my tummy and the pressure was so intense I couldn’t breathe or think. Either before or after they did an ultrasound scan and all I heard was there was too much fluids and the word “theatre”. Fortunately the gynaecologist explained again that the pregnancy was not viable it was very likely an ectopic pregnancy and I would need surgery to find and remove this. I understood and heard everything but didn’t have time to process anything.
This was my first unplanned surgery and I felt even more scared. I didn’t know if I would make it through even though I was in great hands, I just couldn’t imagine waking up and how I would even feel.
They performed a laparoscopy (keyhole surgery) and removed the ectopic pregnancy as well as my left Fallopian tube which had completely ruptured, causing me to lose 3 units of blood internally. I had to have 6 units of blood transfused altogether, two in resus and 4 in surgery.
I woke up around 3pm in recovery and the first thing I remember was crying before even coming around and opening my eyes. My first thoughts were I feel so alone and I need my boyfriend and my immediate family. Again the nurses were amazing but at this point I just felt numb to everything so it felt okay to focus on everything one step at a time. My temperature was really low and then suddenly high, stabilising around 37.8-38 for the remainder of the evening. They wanted to move me onto a gynaecology ward but the anaesthetist was concerned of my high temperature and heart rate so I was kept under close observation for the next few hours. My pain was well managed and I had my phone to ring my boyfriend and explain everything to him in the busy recovery room. He didn’t even realise I’d been in surgery and was equally shocked and scared. He did the hard job of telling our immediate family, who didn’t even initially know I was pregnant. I couldn’t even face talking to anyone at this point. But everyone said how proud they were of me and how strong I was, which at this point I felt exactly the same toward myself.
I was ready by late evening to move to the ward but there wasn’t any beds available for me at that point so I stayed in the recovery unit. That night I couldn’t sleep comfortably and managed maybe 3 hours of broken sleep. I woke up feeling scared but managed to handle my emotions and start thinking positively again.
My room was available in the gynaecology ward and I was ready to move in the morning after my bloods came back all good. I was there by around 11am and fortunately my boyfriend was allowed to come and visit me from this point. I was told I should be ready to leave on Friday but I wasn’t emotionally prepared at all for what the next steps of recovery would be.
I was taken off everything besides my painkillers and I just felt so alone and scared now I was needed under less care. I knew it was a good sign but it must’ve given me time for everything to hit me. Getting up and moving about was so so hard and was the first time I really felt like I couldn’t handle the pain or recovery anymore. My boyfriend being there helped so much but talking through our plans for the next two weeks of my recovery made it all feel real and terrified me. When he left for me to settle and sleep I just couldn’t stop crying for a good few hours, which just made the pain worse. I couldn’t stop my overthinking and just spiralled out like I always used to with my mental health. It all crashed down on me and I felt like I just couldn’t keep going and I wanted to die in that moment. What had I done to deserve this and how could I ever move forward? I think the aspect of a tough physical recovery really made me doubt how much I couldn’t handle as well.
The nurse settled me down after administering my painkillers but it took a good while and I just felt SO selfish. Everyone was helping me in so many ways, so many people worked so hard to save my life and I couldn’t even keep away my bad thoughts and focus on my physical recovery. I’ve just managed a few hours of broken sleep after the pain slowed down but it was just so uncomfortable.
I feel calmer but I know it’s all going to hit me again very soon. I know there likely will be a referral to talking therapy and a lot of charities and other support available but my mental health has already faced so much trauma already. I thought my pregnancy would finally give me purpose and my baby would be my future… what does my future hold now after recovery? I also left my job the day before everything happened, with interviews scheduled on the day and I can’t even think of going back to work anytime soon. But I know I won’t have any other option financially once I’m better! One of the surgeons explained I would still be able to get pregnant just as easily with one tube but I’d have an increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy, I could never dream of getting pregnant again with even the slightest risk of going through such a traumatic experience. One step at a time is all I can do but I just can’t help but still feel selfishly alone and like it’s all impossible with no light at the end.
TLDR: 7 weeks pregnant and went into A&E with heavy vaginal bleeding and cramps on Tuesday night, sent home a few hours later as everything seemed fine but referred to early scan Thursday morning. Thursday morning woke up with terrifying adnominal pain, fainting and unable to even move. Ambulance was sent after calling 111 and it was a suspected ectopic pregnancy. Fainted 4 times altogether the worst being in resus where I struggled to listen to the medical team to wake up and face what was happening. Ended up in theatre after 3 hours of the initial pain at home, where they performed laparoscopic surgery. Removed ectopic pregnancy and a ruptured Fallopian tube as well as 3 units of internal bleeding. Was transfused 6 units of blood total and I was mostly stable afterwards. Took me until Friday morning before a bed was available in gynaecology ward where I struggled the most with both aspects of recovery. Physical pain was unbearable and emotionally I couldn’t process much. One step at a time but I’m still so scared for what my future holds. I have no job and no baby now, I feel really alone and that there’s no way out of it all.
~
Honestly, how are you supposed to process everything that comes with an ectopic pregnancy? I have untreated but diagnosed PTSD and reading through what happened again feels like my previous trauma does; all too horrible to be true and so out of body, like it didn’t happen to me
xx
I know it’s hard to know what to say but surely that is obviously not true?
sorry for the ramble but its been very cathartic
I wonder if I will ever not cry when I see someone else announce 