Marriage / what does it mean to you?

[LifeOfRiley]

I’ve had a few weeks where I have been really reflective because ultimately many of my friends are now getting or are divorced. It’s all around me, the unhappiness they feel for getting married or the struggles of the divorce and managing kids etc.

I have been married 5 years and always wanted to get married and hopefully have a family after having a child out of wedlock which went down like a lead ballon when I was 18. I have done that. I have two more children since marriage.

I don’t place as much value on marriage as I did. I could have changed my name for a lot cheaper and I think I’d still be happy. I have friends in long term relationships who seem to be happy as they are and have been for longer than the marriages that I know that are breaking down.

Just wondered - Are you married? If your married are you happy? Why did you get married? If your not
is it something you want hopefully or have you written it out of your plans?

 

[TJ90]

I’m married and have been for years. I don’t think it made a difference to our relationship. I’m happy, not every minute of every day, but I’m happy. If I wasn’t I’d leave. I’ve seen what an unhappy marriage did to my parents so there’s no way I’d put myself through that, because I deserve happiness and so does my husband. If one isn’t happy then it isn’t fair on either of you.
I have friends who are and who aren’t married, the couples lead similar lives to us and marriage doesn’t seem to make a difference to their life/connection with each other.
I have a friend going through a divorce and although it’s a nightmare being dragged through it with solicitors etc you can see how much happier she is

 

[Sally1993]

I am not married but I wish I was. I long for the romantic wedding but we can’t afford to do it right now. We ended up sorting a house/mortgage out and having our kids first. I wish I was married as it pains me that I don’t have the same surname as my babies. We will get married when my kids are older. It’s a bit unconventional but hey ho.

 

[Elles20]

I'm personally not fussed. I have been living with my bf for years now and I am fine with the idea of getting married but I don't see marriage changing anything for us.

 

[rageinducing]

I’m very happily married, have been for 13 years. It hasn’t always been easy and it is definitely work to keep communication lines open and ensure you both still love each other. We have had many challenges over that time, infertility and eventually childlessness despite multiple treatments but the love never waivered. We both still want to be together and we love our life despite not being able to have children. It is a sound of course and we’ll never accept it fully but it is what it is. I do feel like marriage changed us for the better but we were only together for 18 months before we got married so didn’t ever really know any different. My mother used to say “a long churning makes for bad butter”

 

[LifeOfRiley]

I’m very happily married, have been for 13 years. It hasn’t always been easy and it is definitely work to keep communication lines open and ensure you both still love each other. We have had many challenges over that time, infertility and eventually childlessness despite multiple treatments but the love never waivered. We both still want to be together and we love our life despite not being able to have children. It is a sound of course and we’ll never accept it fully but it is what it is. I do feel like marriage changed us for the better but we were only together for 18 months before we got married so didn’t ever really know any different. My mother used to say “a long churning makes for bad butter”

I am sorry to hear of your struggles with fertility. The last line is really

 

[slugella]

I've been with my partner for 5 years and we are very happy. I feel so lucky to have met him and to be in a relationship where we communicate well, have a laugh and support each other. I'm not bothered about getting married though, and he feels the same. I don't think it would change anything and I don't care about a big wedding, and would rather spend the money on travelling.

I know a few close friends who seemed to get married to prove something or feel more secure, and that is definitely the wrong reasons to do it!

 

[judgejohndeed]

I am getting married this year and have some odd feelings about it that few people seem to really understand so I’m glad to read your post @LifeOfRiley.
My parents had a horrible marriage and an even worse divorce that took years and years to settle. All my friends from school also had parents who got divorced - in fact, my only friend whose parents stayed together until sadly her Dad passed, did not marry. So to be honest I’ve always been a bit wary of marriage, it was never something I thought I would want to do. I’m kind of ambivalent really - I’m not against it, which is why I am doing it, but I remain unconvinced it actually adds much to your relationship if the right foundations are already there (which I obviously think we have). I suppose I will find out if it makes any difference later this year! I’m not changing my name though which helps.

 

[Pixipoppy]

Not bothered tbh. Just feels like an admin task. I have no interest in having a wedding or any sort of do so it would be a registry office thing. I think other people’s weddings are lovely I just don’t want that for myself! (Have been with bf 7 years, get asked when we’re getting married all the time and it’s a bit annoying. People think I’m waiting for him to propose)

 

[bolimepipi]

i am not married but i am in a serious relationship and we live together. i see us getting married but i'm in no rush to do so! he often says ''i'll make you my wife'' when i do something he likes, and we've had conversations about this, but nothing concrete.

one thing that shocked me was the following - he's a foreigner and moved to my home country for me. whenever we're going through his registration process every couple of months, the people at the police station tell us: ''why don't you just get married?'', as it would make the paperwork easier. i think it's unbelievable to get these kinds of questions in the 21st century!

 

[under the ivy]

I’m saying this as a pessimistic singleton but I don’t think marriage is everything. I guess legally it’s good for stuff like mortgages/bank accounts etc. But in principle, I just don’t ‘get it’. Maybe if I meet someone who wants to marry me or I end up in a loving committed relationship then, yeah maybe.

I think also for me I’m put off by the whole big wedding thing. It would be a registry office, drinks in the pub affair if I got married!

 

[Jellybean093]

I come from divorced parents and their unhappy marriage, and was never too fussed about getting married and having the massive wedding, but nearly 3 years later, I love having a husband, being his wife and that we had such a lovely wedding day with lots of memories to cherish
(I honestly would have eloped with the kids though, and saved a few quid)

 

[Felicity]

I absolutely love being married to my husband. We've been married six years and I still love being referred to as his wife. We had a lovely wedding but after the day you realise what a waste of money it all was and things I thought about (table favours) didn't even matter a jot. I'm all for marriage but not fussed about weddings.

 

[If you say so...]

i am not married but i am in a serious relationship and we live together. i see us getting married but i'm in no rush to do so! he often says ''i'll make you my wife'' when i do something he likes, and we've had conversations about this, but nothing concrete.

one thing that shocked me was the following - he's a foreigner and moved to my home country for me. whenever we're going through his registration process every couple of months, the people at the police station tell us: ''why don't you just get married?'', as it would make the paperwork easier. i think it's unbelievable to get these kinds of questions in the 21st century!

Very true! However, If I was to play devils advocate; your post reads that you take it as a compliment that he would "make you his wife" when "you do something he likes" which might not necessarily be thought of as a 21st century mindset. I am sure you are both happy and committed, and I am sure you are progressive and current in your mindset to notice the backward thinking of police admin staff. I guess my point is - he doesn't have to "make you his wife", you could "make him your husband"

 

[Scorpihoe]

Marriage to me is becoming one, I know it sounds so cringey and dramatic but to me, it’s sharing everything and being together through the hard and easy times. My parents have a lovely marriage, they’re both so so different but work very well together. My boyfriends parents are basically strangers living together, they don’t get along at all and just stay together for the sake of it (also in their country, the woman gets 0 rights in a divorce so his mum won’t leave her husband despite his crappy ways)

Ive been with my bf for 4 years now, hopefully getting married next year

 

[slugella]

Marriage to me is becoming one, I know it sounds so cringey and dramatic but to me, it’s sharing everything and being together through the hard and easy times. My parents have a lovely marriage, they’re both so so different but work very well together. My boyfriends parents are basically strangers living together, they don’t get along at all and just stay together for the sake of it (also in their country, the woman gets 0 rights in a divorce so his mum won’t leave her husband despite his crappy ways)

Ive been with my bf for 4 years now, hopefully getting married next year

This is sweet! Even though I feel the opposite (not fussed at all about it) I love when people who do feel this way about marriage get their dream day and I love celebrating my friends' weddings.

My parents didn't have a great marriage so maybe the sort of marriage you grow up seeing could be a small part of why someone feels a certain way about it.

 

[bolimepipi]

Very true! However, If I was to play devils advocate; your post reads that you take it as a compliment that he would "make you his wife" when "you do something he likes" which might not necessarily be thought of as a 21st century mindset. I am sure you are both happy and committed, and I am sure you are progressive and current in your mindset to notice the backward thinking of police admin staff. I guess my point is - he doesn't have to "make you his wife", you could "make him your husband"

i just quoted what he says sometimes, it's not an opinion it's a fact

but yes i see what you mean thanks!

 

[Scorpihoe]

This is sweet! Even though I feel the opposite (not fussed at all about it) I love when people who do feel this way about marriage get their dream day and I love celebrating my friends' weddings.

My parents didn't have a great marriage so maybe the sort of marriage you grow up seeing could be a small part of why someone feels a certain way about it.

thank you so much I totally respect feeling that way, I understand marriage is just a title and shouldn’t change anything! Especially as times are changing and less people are getting married

 

[bubbadabut]

I've been with my 'husband' for 13 years. We've been engaged for 11 years, we're not actually married. I just call him my husband in my day-to-day life because I find it easier than using 'boyfriend', 'partner', 'fiancee' or 'other half' and all the questions that come with them. I got fed up of explaining myself so we are a fake husband and wife We were both approaching 30 when we met, and our main goal was to get on the housing ladder and start a family. In the end we had 4 kids, so a wedding was always on the backburner and has been ever since. I have no real interest in setting a date. I never wanted a big wedding, we are both from very small families anyway.

My sister had a beautiful traditional wedding which one of the loveliest days of my life, but I could never see myself doing that. I'm not a fan of a lot of the traditions and connotations that come with marriage, and I was pleased when that couple won the right to have a civil partnership. This is the route I am sure we will go down once everything is back to normal, but it will only be for legal/security purposes. It would not change our relationship at all, we would still love each other as much as we ever did. I wouldn't change my name and I won't wear a ring, etc. I have a real problem with the idea of 'belonging' to someone else. I know that's not how it is, but I have a bit of a feminist streak and my identity is very important to me. I suppose marriage in the traditional sense is not my kind of thing, but I appreciate everyone is different and that's all good. I do love a good wedding, just not one of my own!

 

[slugella]

I wouldn't change my name and I won't wear a ring, etc. I have a real problem with the idea of 'belonging' to someone else. I know that's not how it is, but I have a bit of a feminist streak and my identity is very important to me. I suppose marriage in the traditional sense is not my kind of thing, but I appreciate everyone is different and that's all good. I do love a good wedding, just not one of my own!

Very similar to how I feel! I have no problem with women who do change their name and don't see them as any less of a feminist, but I see it as I can't see a practical reason to change my name so why should I? I like my name, it's been my identity for so long and a lot of my achievements are linked to it.

A friend got married a few years ago and wasn't sure if she wanted to change her name as she liked hers, and is so close to her family and felt she wanted to keep the same name, and her fiance was NOT happy about it. She ended up taking his name. If he's that fussed about them having the same name he could have changed his If that was me, it would have made me keep my name out of pettiness luckily my bf would never be that way.

Also YES to loving weddings but not my own. Parties without the stress of being the host are sooo much more fun.