Marriage... need advice

[tskiry56]

Can I get an opinion please. Im not really sure what to do, or what is even normal in a marriage anymore.

My middle aged husband has had an issue with porn, to the point of obsession. Infact over the years he has had an issue with most things; constant cycles of compulsive lying, binge eating, porn, money and debt, borrowing money, taking money from the household income and keeping it for himself, scratch cards, aggression (no physical harm to me), control. These issues certainly existed before I knew him, and he had never admitted to any of them off his own back (only when caught or he's got himself into such a mess he has no way out). He's lies about everything down to passig exams that he never even took, and then shouting at me for not being proud enough of him for the results that he made up. He's had several rounds of CBT to try and overcome these issues and change and I always think he will, but we always end up going around in circles. The first round of CBT didnt work because he completely lied to his therapist.

Anyhow, I thought things were getting better so we took out children away for few nights on a family break. The first time since his last round of CBT where he's not been able to sneak off and 'hide' his habits. A few days in, I found him in the bathroom looking at porn again whilst I was looking after the kids.

He immediately got angry, shouting and swearing and blaming me for ruining the holiday because I shouldn't have mentioned it.

When his reaction to an issue is so angry, its almost always because theres a much bigger issue that he doesnt want unearthing. He said 'I never look anymore it's just a one off' but then he said 'you can't expect me to go all week without it'.

On the surface, it's just a trivial issue of lookig at porn, and I am no prude. But with all of his secretive and obsessive behaviour I feel like he should have at least been able to make it through a few days away with the kids without it. And he shouting be getting so angry and controlling when I raise concerns.

I don't want to over react. Things with him are so complicated. But I can't help feeling really hurt at his behaviour and his anger and blame towards me. There is no respect or conversation between us. Just a circle of life being quite if I say nothing and all hell breaking lose if I say his behaviour hurts me. After 14 years of this, I don't know what normal is anymore.

He's never hurt my physically, but his behaviour has really done a number on my self worth. He has lied about a lot of things and can very nasty when he gets caught. He then always begs and sobs and wails for me to tell him it's ok and he will never do it again.

I can't sleep at night worrying what he's doing, whether hes out of control again and dragging us towards financial ruin, or whether he's going to flip infront of the kids if I don't tell him it's fine.

He blames me so often that I feel too guilty walking away and ripping our family apart. Maybe I should just accept that's how he is and keep quiet? I just don't know. He makes me desperately unhappy.

That’s not a life to live for you or your children. Do not accept this is your life. You can leave and you can rebuild your life and be happy. It will take time and a lot of strength and courage but you will find your happiness.
You may or may need think it’s abuse but it is. Emotional abuse and control and coercive behaviour which is ultimately affecting your mental health.

 

[Definitelyme]

@Jobagels Get plans in place, work out where you will stay with your children, get things packed, and then ask family to take the children for a few hours while you tell him you are leaving now, you will be in contact about seeing the kids. And go. You need to get out of this abusive relationship.

You say it’s your own happiness, but (I’m assuming your kids are little?) even if they don’t pick up on it now, the children will see his behaviour towards you in future and think that it’s normal. If one of your children was in your situation what would you tell them? How long before he is manipulating and coercing them?

Get your plans sorted FIRST. If you have no help from family or friends please phone women’s aid ASAP and they will help you. It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

You don’t have to live like this. He has been like this his whole life. He won’t change. You must be the change for you and your children.

 

[BettyCrocker]

If you are struggling to leave please just think of your kids. Imagine the impact that will have on them if you stay - imagine them being witness to him drinking bleach or threatening suicide. You have a duty of care to protect your children from that. Please seek help and leave him. Do you have anyone who can help? Friends or family??

 

[tskiry56]

As I have commented earlier on in this thread and other posts. I was in an abusive relationship and was completely brainwashed by my ex! I never thought I’d let him physically hurt me and I know you say he hasn’t yet. But i was that in denial about the abuse I would cover it up. I never admitted to anyone anything was wrong for 3 years.
My only way out was because of the physical abuse. I thought the control and emotional abuse was normal as i didnt know any different. I am glad you have seen the signs before the situation got worse.

 

[Jobagels]

Thank you for all of your replies, they really are starting to sink in.

My parents are amazing and have spent so much time trying to help me through this, but I do feel incredibly embarrassed as a grown woman needs my parents to help with this mess. They would never tell me to leave, they just support whatever I decided.

He has created a huge divide between me and my parents in the past. I would always go to them for support when he acts badly but he started obsessively ringing and texting my parents, especially my mum, to 'get his word in first' and change their opinion of me. They ended up cutting us both out for a while because it became to much for them and I think they doubted me. That was until they caught him doing it themselves.

The trouble is, talking to other people really makes him angry and he then blames me for that. The second someone else is involved he says that I've ruined everything by telling other people. Phrase like 'why would you do this' and 'you've ruined everything now' when I've told someone what he's done, even though it's his actions that are wrong I end up to blame. He is obsessed with what I'm doing on my phone. It just makes life even harder.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thank you for all of your replies, they really are starting to sink in.

My parents are amazing and have spent so much time trying to help me through this, but I do feel incredibly embarrassed as a grown woman needs my parents to help with this mess. They would never tell me to leave, they just support whatever I decided.

He has created a huge divide between me and my parents in the past. I would always go to them for support when he acts badly but he started obsessively ringing and texting my parents, especially my mum, to 'get his word in first' and change their opinion of me. They ended up cutting us both out for a while because it became to much for them and I think they doubted me. That was until they caught him doing it themselves.

The trouble is, talking to other people really makes him angry and he then blames me for that. The second someone else is involved he says that I've ruined everything by telling other people. Phrase like 'why would you do this' and 'you've ruined everything now' when I've told someone what he's done, even though it's his actions that are wrong I end up to blame. He is obsessed with what I'm doing on my phone. It just makes life even harder.

Thank you for all of your replies, they really are starting to sink in.

My parents are amazing and have spent so much time trying to help me through this, but I do feel incredibly embarrassed as a grown woman needs my parents to help with this mess. They would never tell me to leave, they just support whatever I decided.

He has created a huge divide between my and my parents in the past. I would always go to them for support when he acts badly but he started obsessively ringing and texting my parents, especially my mum, to 'get his word in first' and change their opinion of me. They ended up cutting us both out for a while because it became to much for them and I think they doubted me. That was until they caught him doing it themselves.

The trouble is, talking to other people really sends his rage into a next level. The second someone else is involved he says that I've ruined everything by telling other people. Phrase like 'why would you do this' and 'you've ruined everything now' when I've told someone what he's done, even though it's his actions that are wrong I end up to blame. He is obsessed with what I'm doing on my phone. It just makes life even harder.

phone your parents now, this evening if it’s safe to do so, or text them and tell them everything that’s been posted here and that you need help. Please don’t feel embarrassed- this is a serious situation and you need help & support to get sorted out.

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you for all of your replies, they really are starting to sink in.

My parents are amazing and have spent so much time trying to help me through this, but I do feel incredibly embarrassed as a grown woman needs my parents to help with this mess. They would never tell me to leave, they just support whatever I decided.

He has created a huge divide between me and my parents in the past. I would always go to them for support when he acts badly but he started obsessively ringing and texting my parents, especially my mum, to 'get his word in first' and change their opinion of me. They ended up cutting us both out for a while because it became to much for them and I think they doubted me. That was until they caught him doing it themselves.

The trouble is, talking to other people really makes him angry and he then blames me for that. The second someone else is involved he says that I've ruined everything by telling other people. Phrase like 'why would you do this' and 'you've ruined everything now' when I've told someone what he's done, even though it's his actions that are wrong I end up to blame. He is obsessed with what I'm doing on my phone. It just makes life even harder.

Don’t ever feel embarrassed about what your going through you don’t deserve it. I hid abuse from my parents even though I know they would of helped me. Your parents would want you to be happy. Don’t let him wear you down!
He sounds like he wants to isolate you from those who want to help and support you. I hope talking to people has made you see everything clearly!

 

[Definitelyme]

@Jobagels if one of your adult children came to you for help, you’d be relieved to help, glad to get them out of a bad situation. Your parents will feel the same.

If your parents are comfortable, maybe both, or your dad, could come and be with you when you tell your husband you are leaving now. They sound like wonderful parents, so I know they will be there for you. They will be DELIGHTED to have you safe.

Him telling you you’ve ruined everything by talking to others is another example of him trying to control you. Cutting you off from family is classic control and abuse.

Does he go out to work? Is it an option to leave then and avoid the big confrontation?

You should feel PROUD of yourself for realising this isn’t right and getting ready to stand up for yourself. You have no reason to be embarrassed because he has treated you so badly. That’s on him, and him alone.

The reason he doesn’t want others to know is because he knows what he is doing is so wrong. Otherwise why the need to hide it?

If you worry about his actions when you leave, perhaps phone your local police and discuss with them what the options would be for keeping you and the kids, and your parents, safe.

 

[CarrieW24]

There are so many lines he's crossed, the worst are the suicide attempts in front of you. That is just awful!

I agree with the majority that this isn't a healthy relationship. He needs to work on himself if he's ever to be in a healthy relationship, you can't help him. He seems to be struggling with multiple addictions and extreme responses that don't level with the situation. I hope he agrees to try other methods of therapy, just because one failed doesn't mean never trying again. Whether he tries or not shouldn't be your problem. Your priority are your children and one of you needs to be healthy for the kids. Staying with a gaslighter will break you down.

When you are ready, get you and the kids somewhere safe, don't give him the address. Then have a neutral person be the one to tell him you're not coming back, that way you don't have to deal with the gaslighting. I would normally say tell him yourself, but to spare you the guilt and trauma of watching him try to fling himself out of windows, or drink bleach, don't be the one to tell him. A neutral person like a lawyer, mediator, counsellor, churchman, etc can be the one to. They'll also be in a position to speak to him objectively, if need be, whereas you're caught in the situation subjectively so are more likely to hear him out.

His behaviour has ruined the family unit, not you.

Your focus is your well-being and the children's well-being. I would suggest taking the children to a relative's house and he can visit them there (without you) until you sort out something more permanent for custody. Don't be the only adult in the room with him, ever. If you have to see him, it must be in a public place. It's difficult in this day and age but even a car park at a busy center is better than in a private home because he won't (hopefully) have a public suicide attempt.