Marriage... need advice

[bexgreen1983]

So I have been with my husband for 15 years (married nearly 6) with 2 children.

I need some advice though as feeling so low about everything at the minute.

We seem to argue over the tiniest little things at the minute. We haven't had sex in over two years. He will put my daughter to bed and fall asleep on her floor and sometimes not come to bed till after I have gone to sleep.

I get up 90% of the time with the youngest daughter (when I do ask its met with huffing and puffing). Admittedly, he does get up with the eldest early but then I have got up during the night so allowed to sleep in later.

I mentioned about asking his mum to look after children for a bit and didnt get a response...

I just dont know what to do next... i feel broken by it all

 

[CarrieW24]

I'm really sorry Bex

The downs are part of the deal, unfortunately. We've had two major ones. One after 2 years of marriage, and another after a baby. I've also been married 6 years.

The sex life unintentionally went downhill after we had a baby. I moved into our baby's room and never moved back out for a year. It started off as just one night, then one weekend... it was just easier to respond to night feeds, but it didn't help the marriage.

Also, once our honeymoon period ended (before the baby), my husband told me he was sick of having sex with the same woman every night for eternity! Yes to my face. We've worked through it, that was a few years ago and we're in a better place.

Easier said than done, but talk to him and see why he's obviously avoiding sleeping with you. Don't bring up past grievances, don't go in guns blazing, just ask for an honest, calm, all cards on the table talk. I did that, I didn't like the answer (the one about the same woman every night) but talking saved us. I was also equally honest and told him I was ready to walk out and had been thinking how to leave, where to live, etc. He was shocked hearing I was considering divorce because I had never voiced it before. We went for counseling after that talk because I felt we needed someone neutral to help us through the talks. It definitely brought us much closer together. If it doesn't, then maybe it's for the best. There's nothing more you can do except open the communication lines.

For me, personally, there are only three reasons I would end my marriage: he's abusive, he's cheating, or he doesn't love me anymore (I know I'll always love him). I considered divorce because I thought he didn't love me anymore, but as we talked we realised how much we still loved each other and wanted to fight for the marriage. I strongly suggest you talk to him with or without a counselor. Take the kids to his parents (as you suggested) so you are free to talk without distraction or worry that they'll over hear you. If he doesn't want to talk, I think you'll have your answer that he's completely checked out. I think if you love someone, you're always hoping to sort it out.

I hope it goes well for you, whatever you decide xox

 

[Big Red Dog]

Try again with grandma looking after the kids for a bit sounds like you both need a break

 

[IndigoStar]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Lockdown has really made everyone feel things that they've perhaps never felt before in relationships. I would encourage you to try and get a break away from the kids, if you can. Even just a day trip away somewhere with a picnic or a nice lunch.

That being said, not having sex for 2 years is something I would need to address - intimacy is a big deal in relationships, and even small gestures of touch go a long way in expressing love and affection. Have you ever asked him about this?

 

[caitlinbullen]

You need to have an open discussion imo. Relationship counselling maybe? Or can you wangle a set time/day each week where you sit down just you two and start to explore what you both might be thinking and feeling in more depth? No sex for 2 years is quite unusual I think.....not the sex but the lack of intimacy doesn’t bode well? Sounds like you have drifted apart physically and emotionally and so the first point is to open the dialogue in a way that isn’t argumentative or blaming.

 

[Likkleone]

I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m not married and don’t have kids so I can’t begin to understand this. However I do know that you both need to reconnect to each other. You’re both tired and most likely both wondering how the other is feeling and when you don’t talk about things, it just puts a bigger gap between you.

I’d recommend couples therapy, I personally believe almost all couples should do this even when things are good.

It’ll be the best way to discuss frustrations or worries without playing the blame game (which is easy to do when exhausted and confused). You both deserve to give your marriage that time and you especially don’t need to be constantly on edge wondering what’s happening in his mind.

Good luck x

 

[bexgreen1983]

Thanks so much for all the advice

 

[Raininvain]

I think you really need to talk to him about him stepping up with the children as well. he needs to be doing his share without huffing and puffing, they are his children! Its not just for you to do.
You need to talk to him like the others say and if things dont improve sharpish I'd be making plans to leave I think. Obviously its upto you but it sounds a bad state of affairs and you deserve happiness and support as well. Do you think he might be depressed?

 

[Jobagels]

Can I get an opinion please. Im not really sure what to do, or what is even normal in a marriage anymore.

My middle aged husband has had an issue with porn, to the point of obsession. Infact over the years he has had an issue with most things; constant cycles of compulsive lying, binge eating, porn, money and debt, borrowing money, taking money from the household income and keeping it for himself, scratch cards, aggression (no physical harm to me), control. These issues certainly existed before I knew him, and he had never admitted to any of them off his own back (only when caught or he's got himself into such a mess he has no way out). He's lies about everything down to passig exams that he never even took, and then shouting at me for not being proud enough of him for the results that he made up. He's had several rounds of CBT to try and overcome these issues and change and I always think he will, but we always end up going around in circles. The first round of CBT didnt work because he completely lied to his therapist.

Anyhow, I thought things were getting better so we took out children away for few nights on a family break. The first time since his last round of CBT where he's not been able to sneak off and 'hide' his habits. A few days in, I found him in the bathroom looking at porn again whilst I was looking after the kids.

He immediately got angry, shouting and swearing and blaming me for ruining the holiday because I shouldn't have mentioned it.

When his reaction to an issue is so angry, its almost always because theres a much bigger issue that he doesnt want unearthing. He said 'I never look anymore it's just a one off' but then he said 'you can't expect me to go all week without it'.

On the surface, it's just a trivial issue of lookig at porn, and I am no prude. But with all of his secretive and obsessive behaviour I feel like he should have at least been able to make it through a few days away with the kids without it. And he shouting be getting so angry and controlling when I raise concerns.

I don't want to over react. Things with him are so complicated. But I can't help feeling really hurt at his behaviour and his anger and blame towards me. There is no respect or conversation between us. Just a circle of life being quite if I say nothing and all hell breaking lose if I say his behaviour hurts me. After 14 years of this, I don't know what normal is anymore.

He's never hurt my physically, but his behaviour has really done a number on my self worth. He has lied about a lot of things and can very nasty when he gets caught. He then always begs and sobs and wails for me to tell him it's ok and he will never do it again.

I can't sleep at night worrying what he's doing, whether hes out of control again and dragging us towards financial ruin, or whether he's going to flip infront of the kids if I don't tell him it's fine.

He blames me so often that I feel too guilty walking away and ripping our family apart. Maybe I should just accept that's how he is and keep quiet? I just don't know. He makes me desperately unhappy.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Can I get an opinion please. Im not really sure what to do, or what is even normal in a marriage anymore.

My middle aged husband has had an issue with porn, to the point of obsession. Infact over the years he has had an issue with most things; constant cycles of compulsive lying, binge eating, porn, money and debt, borrowing money, taking money from the household income and keeping it for himself, scratch cards, aggression (no physical harm to me), control. These issues certainly existed before I knew him, and he had never admitted to any of them off his own back (only when caught or he's got himself into such a mess he has no way out). He's lies about everything down to passig exams that he never even took, and then shouting at me for not being proud enough of him for the results that he made up. He's had several rounds of CBT to try and overcome these issues and change and I always think he will, but we always end up going around in circles.

Anyhow, I thought things were getting better so we took out children away for few nights on a family break. The first time since his last round of CBT where he's not been able to sneak off and 'hide' his habits. A few days in, I found him in the bathroom looking at porn again whilst I was looking after the kids.

He immediately got angry, shouting and swearing and blaming me for ruining the holiday because I shouldn't have mentioned it.

When his reaction to an issue is so angry, its almost always because theres a much bigger issue that he doesnt want unearthing. He said 'I never look anymore it's just a one off' but then he said 'you can't expect me to go all week without it'.

On the surface, it's just a trivial issue of lookig at porn, and I am no prude. But with all of his secretive and obsessive behaviour I feel like he should have at least been able to make it through a few days away with the kids without it. And he shouting be getting so angry and controlling when I raise concerns.

I don't want to over react. Things with him are so complicated. But I can't help feeling really hurt at his behaviour and his anger and blame towards me. There is no respect or conversation between us. Just a circle of life being quite if I say nothing and all hell breaking lose if I say his behaviour hurts me. After 14 years of this, I don't know what normal is anymore.

He's never hurt my physically, but his behaviour has really done a number on my self worth. He has lied about a lot of things and can very nasty when he gets caught. He then always begs and sobs and wails for me to tell him it's ok and he will never do it again.

I can't sleep at night worrying what he's doing, whether hes out of control again and dragging us towards financial ruin, or whether he's going to flip infront of the kids if I don't tell him it's fine.

He blames me so often that I feel too guilty walking away and ripping our family apart. Maybe I should just accept that's how he is and keep quiet? I just don't know. He makes me desperately unhappy.

first off - this is NOT your fault. None of it. Please do not allow him to make you feel that it is. Your husband has serious behavioural issues & addictions. He’s gone to CBT but obviously that hadn’t helped. Is he willing to try something else? Does he recognise that he has these problems?

being really honest I personally think you should look to separate.Even if it’s just a temporary arrangement to start with. I think you need a break from this emotional turmoil and he needs to sort his tit out. If he can’t or won’t accept responsibility and look to get help then unfortunately there’s nothing more you can do. As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to walk away from situations and this I feel is one of those.

for the record no, what you are describing is in no way normal. Not even close to normal.

So I have been with my husband for 15 years (married nearly 6) with 2 children.

I need some advice though as feeling so low about everything at the minute.

We seem to argue over the tiniest little things at the minute. We haven't had sex in over two years. He will put my daughter to bed and fall asleep on her floor and sometimes not come to bed till after I have gone to sleep.

I get up 90% of the time with the youngest daughter (when I do ask its met with huffing and puffing). Admittedly, he does get up with the eldest early but then I have got up during the night so allowed to sleep in later.

I mentioned about asking his mum to look after children for a bit and didnt get a response...

I just dont know what to do next... i feel broken by it all

could you make arrangements with his mum yourself to take the kids for a night or two? Then get a takeaway in & a bottle of wine and sit and talk. Tell him how you feel - just tell him. You need to discuss the lack of intimacy and find out what’s going on there. It may well be an emotional evening but I genuinely think you need it, take the cork off and let it all out. It’s the only way forward. X

 

[Podcat]

Can I get an opinion please. Im not really sure what to do, or what is even normal in a marriage anymore.

My middle aged husband has had an issue with porn, to the point of obsession. Infact over the years he has had an issue with most things; constant cycles of compulsive lying, binge eating, porn, money and debt, borrowing money, taking money from the household income and keeping it for himself, scratch cards, aggression (no physical harm to me), control. These issues certainly existed before I knew him, and he had never admitted to any of them off his own back (only when caught or he's got himself into such a mess he has no way out). He's lies about everything down to passig exams that he never even took, and then shouting at me for not being proud enough of him for the results that he made up. He's had several rounds of CBT to try and overcome these issues and change and I always think he will, but we always end up going around in circles. The first round of CBT didnt work because he completely lied to his therapist.

Anyhow, I thought things were getting better so we took out children away for few nights on a family break. The first time since his last round of CBT where he's not been able to sneak off and 'hide' his habits. A few days in, I found him in the bathroom looking at porn again whilst I was looking after the kids.

He immediately got angry, shouting and swearing and blaming me for ruining the holiday because I shouldn't have mentioned it.

When his reaction to an issue is so angry, its almost always because theres a much bigger issue that he doesnt want unearthing. He said 'I never look anymore it's just a one off' but then he said 'you can't expect me to go all week without it'.

On the surface, it's just a trivial issue of lookig at porn, and I am no prude. But with all of his secretive and obsessive behaviour I feel like he should have at least been able to make it through a few days away with the kids without it. And he shouting be getting so angry and controlling when I raise concerns.

I don't want to over react. Things with him are so complicated. But I can't help feeling really hurt at his behaviour and his anger and blame towards me. There is no respect or conversation between us. Just a circle of life being quite if I say nothing and all hell breaking lose if I say his behaviour hurts me. After 14 years of this, I don't know what normal is anymore.

He's never hurt my physically, but his behaviour has really done a number on my self worth. He has lied about a lot of things and can very nasty when he gets caught. He then always begs and sobs and wails for me to tell him it's ok and he will never do it again.

I can't sleep at night worrying what he's doing, whether hes out of control again and dragging us towards financial ruin, or whether he's going to flip infront of the kids if I don't tell him it's fine.

He blames me so often that I feel too guilty walking away and ripping our family apart. Maybe I should just accept that's how he is and keep quiet? I just don't know. He makes me desperately unhappy.

He may not have hurt you physically but the lying, losing his temper, gaslighting etc is still abuse. I can't imagine how exhausting it has been for you to keep the peace all these years. Please contact your local women's aid and tell them everything you've put here. I think you need to leave him but he obviously has no control over his emotions and behaviour and that makes me worry tbh. Xx

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Can I get an opinion please. Im not really sure what to do, or what is even normal in a marriage anymore.

My middle aged husband has had an issue with porn, to the point of obsession. Infact over the years he has had an issue with most things; constant cycles of compulsive lying, binge eating, porn, money and debt, borrowing money, taking money from the household income and keeping it for himself, scratch cards, aggression (no physical harm to me), control. These issues certainly existed before I knew him, and he had never admitted to any of them off his own back (only when caught or he's got himself into such a mess he has no way out). He's lies about everything down to passig exams that he never even took, and then shouting at me for not being proud enough of him for the results that he made up. He's had several rounds of CBT to try and overcome these issues and change and I always think he will, but we always end up going around in circles. The first round of CBT didnt work because he completely lied to his therapist.

Anyhow, I thought things were getting better so we took out children away for few nights on a family break. The first time since his last round of CBT where he's not been able to sneak off and 'hide' his habits. A few days in, I found him in the bathroom looking at porn again whilst I was looking after the kids.

He immediately got angry, shouting and swearing and blaming me for ruining the holiday because I shouldn't have mentioned it.

When his reaction to an issue is so angry, its almost always because theres a much bigger issue that he doesnt want unearthing. He said 'I never look anymore it's just a one off' but then he said 'you can't expect me to go all week without it'.

On the surface, it's just a trivial issue of lookig at porn, and I am no prude. But with all of his secretive and obsessive behaviour I feel like he should have at least been able to make it through a few days away with the kids without it. And he shouting be getting so angry and controlling when I raise concerns.

I don't want to over react. Things with him are so complicated. But I can't help feeling really hurt at his behaviour and his anger and blame towards me. There is no respect or conversation between us. Just a circle of life being quite if I say nothing and all hell breaking lose if I say his behaviour hurts me. After 14 years of this, I don't know what normal is anymore.

He's never hurt my physically, but his behaviour has really done a number on my self worth. He has lied about a lot of things and can very nasty when he gets caught. He then always begs and sobs and wails for me to tell him it's ok and he will never do it again.

I can't sleep at night worrying what he's doing, whether hes out of control again and dragging us towards financial ruin, or whether he's going to flip infront of the kids if I don't tell him it's fine.

He blames me so often that I feel too guilty walking away and ripping our family apart. Maybe I should just accept that's how he is and keep quiet? I just don't know. He makes me desperately unhappy.

You say things are complicated, I can appreciate that. But you have also said that you are unhappy. I think you need to remove yourself and the children from this situation, have you somewhere else to stay? If this situation carries on, you will not have any strength left to change things.

 

[Jobagels]

@BettyCrocker @Podcat @Rockin' Robin
Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it. It's been like this for the best part of a decade and it's getting harder and harder to cope with.

I know you're right, and if I was giving the advice to anyone else I would say the same. It's so hard when you're caught up in that situation though.

He can can completely lose control when he had to address his behaviour. The last few times I've tried to take time apart or leave him he's threatened to kill himself. A few months ago he poured bleach in his mouth because I tried to leave, he also threatened to throw himself out of the bedroom window last week when I said his behaviour is too much. He says he's not suicidal, I think it's just to get control back of the situation and make me stay.

He knows theres a problem and he flicks between shouting at me and blaming me for it, and then wailing uncontrollably until I tell him I wont go. I think he just grinds me down until I accept that if I say nothing about his behaviour it's only me that gets hurt and the rest of the family get a quiet life without him kicking off.

I know it sounds ridiculous but every time he wails that he will change, I still want to believe him. Even after all the time. I just want a happy quite family life.

 

[BettyCrocker]

@BettyCrocker @Podcat @Rockin' Robin
Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it. It's been like this for the best part of a decade and it's getting harder and harder to cope with.

I know you're right, and if I was giving the advice to anyone else I would say the same. It's so hard when you're caught up in that situation though.

He can can completely lose control when he had to address his behaviour. The last few times I've tried to take time apart or leave him he's threatened to kill himself. A few months ago he poured bleach in his mouth because I tried to leave, he also threatened to throw himself out of the bedroom window last week when I said his behaviour is too much. He says he's not suicidal, I think it's just to get control back of the situation and make me stay.

He knows theres a problem and he flicks between shouting at me and blaming me for it, and then wailing uncontrollably until I tell him I wont go. I think he just grinds me down until I accept that if I say nothing about his behaviour it's only me that gets hurt and the rest of the family get a quiet life without him kicking off.

I know it sounds ridiculous but every time he wails that he will change, I still want to believe him. Even after all the time. I just want a happy quite family life.

Ok. Stop. You need to leave this relationship now. He’s emotionally abusing you - the threats of suicide to make you stay is text book. If someone wants to harm themselves or take their own life that is on them. It’s not your responsibility to stay in order to stop them. Please seek advice & support from your local women’s refuge. You need to get out.

 

[PennyLane321]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not married and don’t have kids but I was in a long term relationship with a compulsive liar who had gambling issues and would steal from me etc. The stress and anxiety eventually got to be too much and I ended up having a breakdown at 21. How you’ve had the strength to put up with this for a decade I’ll never know. Have you told anyone about his behaviour? I think it’s easier to rationalise or down play it when you keep it to yourself. It might also be helpful to have a family member or close friend there when you tell him you want to take time apart. It’ll be safer and much harder for him to manipulate you. This isn’t normal - it’s abuse

ETA - He will never change. It will never get better and you’ll be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life if you don’t leave

 

[Jobagels]

Ok. Stop. You need to leave this relationship now. He’s emotionally abusing you - the threats of suicide to make you stay is text book. If someone wants to harm themselves or take their own life that is on them. It’s not your responsibility to stay in order to stop them. Please seek advice & support from your local women’s refuge. You need to get out.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not married and don’t have kids but I was in a long term relationship with a compulsive liar who had gambling issues and would steal from me etc. The stress and anxiety eventually got to be too much and I ended up having a breakdown at 21. How you’ve had the strength to put up with this for a decade I’ll never know. Have you told anyone about his behaviour? I think it’s easier to rationalise or down play it when you keep it to yourself. It might also be helpful to have a family member or close friend there when you tell him you want to take time apart. It’ll be safer and much harder for him to manipulate you. This isn’t normal - it’s abuse

ETA - He will never change. It will never get better and you’ll be stuck in this cycle for the rest of your life if you don’t leave

You're both right and speak so much sense. It's do hard to admit that it's actually abuse though. When things quiet down I convice myself it wasn't that bad but it's a constant circle.

I feel a huge amount of guilt for leaving and taking the family unit away from my kids just for my own happiness.

@PennyLane321 I'm so sorry you went through that too. Being with a compulsive liar really eats away at everything, your trust, your self worth. I hope you've been able to move on and be happy.

 

[WilmaHun]

So I have been with my husband for 15 years (married nearly 6) with 2 children.

I need some advice though as feeling so low about everything at the minute.

We seem to argue over the tiniest little things at the minute. We haven't had sex in over two years. He will put my daughter to bed and fall asleep on her floor and sometimes not come to bed till after I have gone to sleep.

I get up 90% of the time with the youngest daughter (when I do ask its met with huffing and puffing). Admittedly, he does get up with the eldest early but then I have got up during the night so allowed to sleep in later.

I mentioned about asking his mum to look after children for a bit and didnt get a response...

I just dont know what to do next... i feel broken by it all

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Especially at a time like we're living in at the moment, this hasn't fallen at an ideal time at all.

I would second what others have said about talking to him about it, that would be the first step. He may be feeling the same, or he may have other things going on that you don't yet know about it. I think talking to one another is really important.

Secondly, make time for each other! It does sound like you have a busy schedule with two children, but you musn't forget to make time for each other too. If you can get a babysitter for the night, try having a date night.

With regard to the sex - is this something you push for or you just wait for him? Maybe get yourself a nice outfit that you feel confident in and give it a go with him.

I really hope you're able to resolve this x

 

[BettyCrocker]

You're both right and speak so much sense. It's do hard to admit that it's actually abuse though. When things quiet down I convice myself it wasn't that bad but it's a constant circle.

I feel a huge amount of guilt for leaving and taking the family unit away from my kids just for my own happiness.

@PennyLane321 I'm so sorry you went through that too. Being with a compulsive liar really eats away at everything, your trust, your self worth. I hope you've been able to move on and be happy.

Leaving him would be the best thing you could do not only for yourself but for your children. Please don’t think your kids won’t be aware what’s going on. You cannot carry on bringing children up in this environment- it will screw them up no end. It is an abusive relationship and I’m afraid that leaving is realistically the only option here; he isn’t going to change, this isn’t going to magically resolve itself. If you stay this awful cycle will continue and it will get worse & worse as time goes on. You & your children deserve so much better.

 

[PennyLane321]

You're both right and speak so much sense. It's do hard to admit that it's actually abuse though. When things quiet down I convice myself it wasn't that bad but it's a constant circle.

I feel a huge amount of guilt for leaving and taking the family unit away from my kids just for my own happiness.

@PennyLane321 I'm so sorry you went through that too. Being with a compulsive liar really eats away at everything, your trust, your self worth. I hope you've been able to move on and be happy.

Thank you, I have and you will too. It’ll feel like a weight has been lifted but you need to take the first step. I echo other people’s advice about seeking support from your local women’s refuge if you feel like you can’t speak to family or friends. Also, don’t feel guilty about taking your kids out of a toxic and dysfunctional environment

 

[MaxieMoo]

You're both right and speak so much sense. It's do hard to admit that it's actually abuse though. When things quiet down I convice myself it wasn't that bad but it's a constant circle.

I feel a huge amount of guilt for leaving and taking the family unit away from my kids just for my own happiness.

@PennyLane321 I'm so sorry you went through that too. Being with a compulsive liar really eats away at everything, your trust, your self worth. I hope you've been able to move on and be happy.

Sorry to jump on this thread but you mention you don't want to take the family unit away for your kids for your own happiness. What about theirs. Sorry to seem unkind but I was once that child.

Children see and hear way more than their parents ever think and the long term effects can be devastating. Please prioritise yourself and the children in this situation. You deserve to be happy. One of my initial thoughts when I read you first post was I was surprised he hadn't threatened to kill himself. I then read your subsequent posts and you say he has. So much of his behaviour is completely text book emotional abuse.

Have you a close friend or family member that you could confide in? Someone that can help you formulate a plan to get out of this situation. I hope it work out ok for you and the children. Sorry you are going through this x