Marriage issues

[Reflected view]

Good luck Hope you get the chance to sort things out. Sending love

Thank you

 

[Reflected view]

Hey really need help/advice.
My husband works from home so I can hear every conversation he has and I know straight away if it’s a male or a female with how he speaks and his tone.
He’s always been flirty when talking to females this has never ever bothered me but a new female started a couple of months back and I took an instant dislike to her and felt that my husband was a bit more flirty with her.
Iv been feeling a bit out of sorts within myself but never felt there was any problems in my marriage, I came home yesterday and heard him on the phone to her so I listened for a bit he said he was looking forward to seeing her on the 29th and she said the same back, my imagination is running wild at this point, I wait till he finishes the call and I go in and ask how his day was he replied not bad iv not answered any calls today so all is good, I said your a liar I heard you on the phone to so and so he said I was off my head he wasn’t talking to her it was someone else, I told him that I felt he’s crossed the line and felt he was more flirty with her, he totally goes off on one accusing me of constantly going in on him not listening to him that he’s under pressure at work he’s stressed out he’s sick of it he needs space he doesn’t have the energy and tools to deal with this that this is constant from me. Saying I’m accusing him of stuff I told him that I hadn’t accused him of anything but I did feel he had stepped over the mark with the flirting, he told me that wasn’t flirting.
This was the first time ever I have questioned him about this ….
I left the room and went about my daily routine, later on he comes down acting as if nothing has happened, I’m confused so I play along we have dinner we are talking about day to day stuff we watch a bit of tv, it’s time for bed and I ask him if he wants to talk about what had happened earlier that day, he told me he has nothing to say to me he needs space, he doesn’t know what he wants or what to do, and asks what it is I need from him as he doesn’t know
Please help

 

[LaurieLaurie]

First of all I would stop with the TTC. It’s destroyed your relationship.

 

[Reflected view]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Reading through your post I really don’t think you have made something out of nothing. Your husband telling another woman he is looking forward to seeing her on the 29th? What is he actually doing on the 29th? Your comment about him twisting and turning things are also concerning, this is manipulative and true narcissistic behaviour which is why you’re probably thinking you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. You also mentioned your husband said he doesn’t know what he wants or what he wants to do, was this regarding your marriage? If it was, I wouldn’t take that lightly, that is him almost saying he’s not sure if he wants a divorce and from experience men only say this when they have been up to no good and want a way out. I would really question those comments. I hope you are ok and good luck if you have a chat with him x

Hey thank you for replying,
When I questioned him about it he said it was for a meeting, and it probably will be for a meeting but it was then tone in how it was said.
I haven’t got a clue what he means by those comments when I asked him to explain what he meant I was hit with he’s under pressure he’s on the edge he doesn’t know he needs space.
I stayed away from the house yesterday I didn’t come home straight from work I went a walk, when I did get home he came downstairs started talking to me as if nothing happened or was said, (I was so confused by this) I only answered what I needed to I didn’t start up any conversation with him, it’s all so conflicting he’s saying he wants space etc etc yet he’s starting conversations sitting in the same room as me calling me sweetheart, when he came to bed he was a bit closer than what he has been but still no physical contact..
I’m so confused by it all my head is in overdrive

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I never thought I'd post something on here asking for advice but I am losing the will

My marriage has been stressful to say the least - married 5 years, with 4 of them going through IVF & multiple miscarriages.
For the last 2 years, things have been awful. I felt really unappreciated, no affection from him (I'm really tactile), we basically become like room mates. We enjoyed spending time together but it was different. 4 months into feeling like that, I sat him down and said I was unhappy with how things are etc. Then 3 weeks later we went into lockdown 1. Things did get better, but I don't know if that's because we couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward a year, another miscarriage & he tells me he is feeling really insecure & paranoid. I have lost a lot of weight which has meant I've had more attention from males, which he has struggled with. The last 5 months I have been plagued with accusations of affairs, questioned on my whereabouts constantly, called hideous names, threatened with divorce, to the point I left almost 4 weeks ago.
Since then, he says he has reflected and knows I haven't done any of those things and says he is struggling with his mental health. He blames himself for our fertility issues as every test I've had has come back normal. He's now on medication & attending counselling. However, over the weekend I was sent screenshots of his tinder profile. I'm living with family and have been looking into getting my own place. I found somewhere over the weekend, and last night he begged me not to take it and to work on this.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I am struggling.
I don't want to throw away the last 9 years but I honestly can't see myself moving home any time soon. It has become a place of anxiety because we couldn't get through 48 hours without huge blow outs.

I might be in the minority but I don’t necessarily believe your marriage is a lost cause.

Obvs a lot depends on whether you still love him and/or want to make the relationship work.

Fertility issues have been the demise of many a relationship so maybe put that on the back burner to see if you can salvage the relationship.
Would you consider adoption? I know it’s not right for everybody but it will also take the pressure of you both.
MH issues can also really affect a relationship.

On the other hand if things have run it’s course try and split as amicable as you can

Life can be difficult and whether you make the “right” or “wrong” choice I am a big believer that life works out the way it’s supposed to. Live can be difficult but that just makes the good times so much sweeter.
Goodluck for whatever you decide and keep us in the loop!

 

[PoppyKJ]

I live alone after living with an ex who was controlling and made me feel I'd be nothing without him

Moving out and living alone was terrifying at first but as soon as I got my furniture in, bed made, had my first shower etc. My nerves vanished and I enjoy it now

Obviously it is a hard transition to suddenly be in charge of a household and yourself all alone, but you get the hang of it

Ah see I know I’d be fine with that side of things, it’s more leaving the relationship and having to start again.
As much as it does read awful, I know he’s not a bad person. I just don’t think he knows how to communicate his feelings & the insecurities he’s had. As I said he is in therapy but I keep reminding him that needs to be for him, not me. He knows all this has pushed me away.

 

[Reflected view]

Did you tell him that it was the tone/way in which he said he was looking forward to seeing this woman on 29th that has upset you?
Did he reply to your email?
You need to have a proper conversation with him as it sounds as if he’s fobbing you off with needing space and saying he’s under pressure etc.
I’d suggest emailing him again saying that you’ll give him some space but you want to talk and talk properly and calmly without an argument but you need answers and the ones he’s given aren’t good enough. Pick a date and tell him that’s when you want to talk, maybe the weekend when he isn’t working?
Explain again how you feel, what you heard and ask him about the woman, the meeting and more importantly, what he means by not knowing what he wants and needing space.
What’s your gut feeling on it all? Drill into that and be honest with yourself about what your gut is telling you and trust that x

No he didn’t reply to my email, I tried to explain to him that the way he speaks to this woman is different from the other woman he speaks with on the phone/ video call.
I’m getting confusing feelings from myself, one minute I feel he’s going to say it’s over and then some time later I feel it will work out.
That’s a good idea I’ll email him again about a date to talk, do you think I’m doing the right thing staying out the house longer than I should and only engaging in conversation when needed to??