Lost in a marriage.

[Oh June]

I'm married to my husband for 20 years now. It hasn't been a nice marriage as my husband treats me like tit, and constantly puts me down, he has his money (and plenty of it) and I have to make do with what I have, which isn't very much as I work part-time. He would make a big deal if I ask for grocery money or if the kids need money for school etc. We don't have a joint account as he was against it.

God, looking back I was such as fool and the red flags were there.

I had an inkling that he cheated on me while we were dating but not when we were married. My suspicions were confirmed as he blurted it out during the week, and laughed at me when I got upset.

I know it was 20 years ago but at this stage do I have a right to be angry with him?

I wanted to leave the marriage for a long time now, but I'm not financially able to do it for another few years and three of my kids are still young. I fear we would struggle financially if I did now.

I don't know what I'm asking, I suppose I'm hurt because of the cheating (even though it was 20 years ago) and that I have lost the life I deserved with someone else who would have treated me better.

I have lost off my friends as he wouldn't mind the children to allow me the time to visit them. I am so lost...

 

[Megansnarkle]

Honestly, I think the cheating would be the least of the reasons why I was angry.

Why are you still with this man? What are you actually getting from this relationship? Have you ever actually looked into leaving and what you'd be entitled to both in terms of any benefits and also maintenance from him? It might be more than you expect.

If you genuinely can't afford to leave right now. What do you want to change about your life? Because unless you change something, you will just find yourself 10 years down the line in the same situation.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I am reading signs of coercive control:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not your fault. There is a way forward: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

 

[SGE32]

Life is so short, please don’t waste any more time with this awful man who is having such a negative effect on you. Please look up some domestic abuse helplines and get some advice, there is always a way to leave. As much as you may think the kids don’t “see” what goes on, they do and the sooner you leave the less damage to them there will be. This is not your fault and it may seem extremely scary to take the jump and leave but please, please speak to some charities and get some advice. You have a whole other part of your life waiting to start. Xx

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I'm married to my husband for 20 years now. It hasn't been a nice marriage as my husband treats me like tit, and constantly puts me down, he has his money (and plenty of it) and I have to make do with what I have, which isn't very much as I work part-time. He would make a big deal if I ask for grocery money or if the kids need money for school etc. We don't have a joint account as he was against it.

God, looking back I was such as fool and the red flags were there.

I had an inkling that he cheated on me while we were dating but not when we were married. My suspicions were confirmed as he blurted it out during the week, and laughed at me when I got upset.

I know it was 20 years ago but at this stage do I have a right to be angry with him?

I wanted to leave the marriage for a long time now, but I'm not financially able to do it for another few years and three of my kids are still young. I fear we would struggle financially if I did now.

I don't know what I'm asking, I suppose I'm hurt because of the cheating (even though it was 20 years ago) and that I have lost the life I deserved with someone else who would have treated me better.

I have lost off my friends as he wouldn't mind the children to allow me the time to visit them. I am so lost...

It’s probably not the cheating itself, it’s maybe just the straw that broke the camel’s back? After 20 years of what you can see yourself, this may be the thing that makes you say “enough”.

It’s not going to be easy to get up and go but I really think you owe it to yourself to waste no more time. Get back in touch with your friends - they may be more understanding than you maybe think - and that will help your confidence. Have a look into what - if anything - you’d be entitled to as a single parent and research housing etc.

Life really is too short. Things will be tough but at first and you will all have a lot of adjusting to do…but the kids will want a happy mum and a house with no tension (I’d be surprised if none of them pick up anything at all)

Good luck

 

[Oh June]

Thanks everyone, I have alot to think about. Life is short and I don't want to loose any more of it.

 

[Lady Macbeth]

Life will improve in the long run.

 

[tilly27]

Thanks everyone, I have alot to think about. Life is short and I don't want to loose any more of it.

Hi there @Oh June, I was looking through threads for help caring for very elderly relatives when we (who are now their carers) cannot seem to please.

I saw your post & couldn't go by & not say how much I hope you manage to find a happier/deserved life. I'm probably not best placed to comment, however is there nobody family or friends, that if you would feel at all able to tell them exactly what is going on - in the same vein as you have here - would be able to help at all?
He would also be, by law required to pay maintenance & you would be entitled to equity etc. Also I would think you would then qualify for benefits.
I truly hope things can change for the better for you & your children - you deserve it. He is probably banking on you never leaving & thinks he has you stuck. Please at least speak to an organisation that may be able to guide or help you find the quickest & safest route out of this.
Lastly, with true friends (& im sure you had that) it doesn't matter how long you don't speak for - especially at the hands of someone else - I know this to be true

What we do - Women’s Aid

Since 1974, we have been at the forefront of shaping and coordinating responses to domestic abuse. Learn more about what we do.

www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Domestic abuse - Victim Support

Domestic abuse is the repeated abuse of a person in an intimate or family relationship. It can happen to anyone - we're here to support you.

www.victimsupport.org.uk

 

[Walnutss]

I'm married to my husband for 20 years now. It hasn't been a nice marriage as my husband treats me like tit, and constantly puts me down, he has his money (and plenty of it) and I have to make do with what I have, which isn't very much as I work part-time. He would make a big deal if I ask for grocery money or if the kids need money for school etc. We don't have a joint account as he was against it.

God, looking back I was such as fool and the red flags were there.

I had an inkling that he cheated on me while we were dating but not when we were married. My suspicions were confirmed as he blurted it out during the week, and laughed at me when I got upset.

I know it was 20 years ago but at this stage do I have a right to be angry with him?

I wanted to leave the marriage for a long time now, but I'm not financially able to do it for another few years and three of my kids are still young. I fear we would struggle financially if I did now.

I don't know what I'm asking, I suppose I'm hurt because of the cheating (even though it was 20 years ago) and that I have lost the life I deserved with someone else who would have treated me better.

I have lost off my friends as he wouldn't mind the children to allow me the time to visit them. I am so lost...

Leave claim every benefit you can and get whatever u can from the divorce. I hate hearing women say money is a factor for not leaving. We give up everything even our friends for the family. U deserve better x