Losing who you are after having a baby

[Lollipop2123]

Hi all. I don't really know how to articulate this very well but after having my baby, (who is now a toddler) and probably after months of parenting whilst trying to work from home due to lockdown I'm just completely exhausted. I've taken my toddler to have his feet measured and fitted for new shoes today and I've caught a glimpse of myself in a long mirror and I'm truly horrified. I nearly broke down in the shop. I know I've massively let myself go, my skin is awful, huge eye bags, grey hair (I'm only 32) and baggy, cheap horrible clothes. I also incessantly pick my lips and my face through anxiety so I just look awful. Anyway, since having my baby and just life etc I have completey lost who I am. I don't do anything outside of working and parenting. I feel in a relentless cycle of cleaning and tidying and just scraping by day to day with my sanity just about intact.

This sounds rather self indulgent probably but I've just completely lost my identity and all self worth. I feel utterly disgusting and worthless.

Can anyone advise? I was thinking something small like starting a skin care regime might perk me up a bit. Or maybe start walking? I don't know.

Sorry for the ramble. Can anyone relate? I pour every last bit of what I've got into my family and work, which I know is how it's meant to be, but im really struggling.

Thanks x

 

[Chipstiz]

Hi..
You are absolutely not alone in this. I was and am still to an extent in the same boat I have a toddler and a baby. Things that helped me were:
-gym membership, I just go to the classes but it's half an hour 3 times a week that is just me and gets the endorphins going
-buy some new clothes and makeup or perfume that you like. Don't feel bad about spending money on yourself, children need a confident and happy mum.
-take a book or tv show on a laptop into the bath with you. It's relaxing and gives you an adult thing to think about.
-listen to audio books or podcasts when doing the washing up etc. Again, it's another thing to distract you from monotony.
I'm only just getting there myself, its so hard. Good luck

 

[Lollipop2123]

Hi..
You are absolutely not alone in this. I was and am still to an extent in the same boat I have a toddler and a baby. Things that helped me were:
-gym membership, I just go to the classes but it's half an hour 3 times a week that is just me and gets the endorphins going
-buy some new clothes and makeup or perfume that you like. Don't feel bad about spending money on yourself, children need a confident and happy mum.
-take a book or tv show on a laptop into the bath with you. It's relaxing and gives you an adult thing to think about.
-listen to audio books or podcasts when doing the washing up etc. Again, it's another thing to distract you from monotony.
I'm only just getting there myself, its so hard. Good luck

Thanks for replying. Honestly it means so much. I'm just looking at new makeup now xx

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I dont have the headspace to expand on it all right now, but absolutely relate. It is a loss of one identity and learning a new one. It can be a right headfuck. I hope you find yourself again! Im still searching

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I have a (nearly) one year old and I feel like this so I’ve made Sunday my day, the cooking and cleaning is for my husband to do, I have a long bath face mask, hair mask, clean bedding on and clean pjs (obviously clean pjs on the week too) I do everything for everyone else 6 days a week so I feel I deserve it, however I was a single mum for years before I got with him and I’d have one day a week for me when the kids were in school/nursery x

 

[Randy77]

Hi all. I don't really know how to articulate this very well but after having my baby, (who is now a toddler) and probably after months of parenting whilst trying to work from home due to lockdown I'm just completely exhausted. I've taken my toddler to have his feet measured and fitted for new shoes today and I've caught a glimpse of myself in a long mirror and I'm truly horrified. I nearly broke down in the shop. I know I've massively let myself go, my skin is awful, huge eye bags, grey hair (I'm only 32) and baggy, cheap horrible clothes. I also incessantly pick my lips and my face through anxiety so I just look awful. Anyway, since having my baby and just life etc I have completey lost who I am. I don't do anything outside of working and parenting. I feel in a relentless cycle of cleaning and tidying and just scraping by day to day with my sanity just about intact.

This sounds rather self indulgent probably but I've just completely lost my identity and all self worth. I feel utterly disgusting and worthless.

Can anyone advise? I was thinking something small like starting a skin care regime might perk me up a bit. Or maybe start walking? I don't know.

Sorry for the ramble. Can anyone relate? I pour every last bit of what I've got into my family and work, which I know is how it's meant to be, but im really struggling.

Thanks x

Start with something small that makes you feel good. A good skin routine or new make up. New haircut or clothes? Sorry to sound like Marie Kondo, but if you don't feel good in the clothes you wear,throw them away. Choose clothes that fit and make you feel good.

Then move to a nice walk, reading a book, catching up on a TV programme. Join a club of some sort.

Then start doing what you used to like. Instead of cooking the kids favourite food, cook what you would like to eat?

Please let us know how you get on. x

 

[CelinaRoger]

You're definitely not alone, I had my first when I was 19, shes now almost 5 and I've since had another baby, got married moved house etc and I feel like I've lost myself completely, ive started running a few times a week, doing some skincare and brought myself some nice clothes out of my comfort zone. Perhaps treat yourself to a hair cut, or some decent skincare, plan a weekly pamper and bath for yourself, paint your nails, have some time away from the family at least once a week even if it's just for a walk on your own, Take little steps and you will start to feel better

 

[tskiry56]

Hi all. I don't really know how to articulate this very well but after having my baby, (who is now a toddler) and probably after months of parenting whilst trying to work from home due to lockdown I'm just completely exhausted. I've taken my toddler to have his feet measured and fitted for new shoes today and I've caught a glimpse of myself in a long mirror and I'm truly horrified. I nearly broke down in the shop. I know I've massively let myself go, my skin is awful, huge eye bags, grey hair (I'm only 32) and baggy, cheap horrible clothes. I also incessantly pick my lips and my face through anxiety so I just look awful. Anyway, since having my baby and just life etc I have completey lost who I am. I don't do anything outside of working and parenting. I feel in a relentless cycle of cleaning and tidying and just scraping by day to day with my sanity just about intact.

This sounds rather self indulgent probably but I've just completely lost my identity and all self worth. I feel utterly disgusting and worthless.

Can anyone advise? I was thinking something small like starting a skin care regime might perk me up a bit. Or maybe start walking? I don't know.

Sorry for the ramble. Can anyone relate? I pour every last bit of what I've got into my family and work, which I know is how it's meant to be, but im really struggling.

Thanks x

Don't be so hard on yourself. Being a parent is hardwork but also the days, months and years you wont get back. But are hopefully filled with lots of wonderful memories.

I can relate in a way that I didnt recognise myself after dv. I remember looking at the mirror completely shocked at my appearance. My sister ended up booking me into have my hair done.
They sound like good ideas how about using face masks or do a pamper evening.

Is there anywhere nice you could go walking with your family?

Maybe when covid restrictions decrease you could join a group or start a hobby.

Take time out and do something for you.
I for years had my son as my only focus and didnt consider that I also needed time to myself.
I hope things get better.

 

[Lollipop2123]

I've treated myself to some nice elemis skin care which arrived in the post today, bath is run, I've made a green tea and I'm going to listen to a podcast. Thanks for everyone being so kind xx

 

[Curlywurly85]

Give Emily Inness stylist a follow on Instagram, she struggled with this and has well documented it.
Also give Styled by Susie a follow, great style advice for women who have lost their way a bit, really helped me.

 

[Titntat]

Love love love this thread.

I feel the same after having two kids. I bounced back after my first. Loved going shopping, working out, sunbed, make up.

After my second im too exhausted to go running when I've put the kids to bed.

I'm going to follow the instagram account from the PP.

I'm due back at work soon so hopefully seeing people everyday will give me the kick up the arse i need. Im in serious need of some new mascara too. Want to start wearing it most days and doing my hair. I bet my partner gets back and things "ffs, is she in the scabby pjs again)

 

[Penny for them]

I can relate x I lost my identity after number 1 and made peace eventually. I have not long had number 2 and totally lost it during lock down , home school cooking cleaning constantly, taking no time for me, still a battle now really. After number one things that helped were dressing and putting make up on every day even if staying home, eyebrow wax appointments because they were a quick appointment and I looked like I had my tit together with a nice set of brows I felt ,slimming world it was a social crutch I could take baby too, as I wasn't looking after my diet at all and gaining weight eating quick convenient high fat food. also exercise, I found a metafit class I could take baby it was 20 mins so was just about doable. Eventually it all helped build me and my self worth. Number 2-wow lock down just stripped me of any sanity's I had planned to help not loose myself this time and well basically I walk with pram and dog or jog ( more shuffle) and do a online exercise class which is 20 mins not every day I sometimes can't muster the energy, I have to school or cook or clean etc you seem to be very similar, pre lock down I'd get eyebrows done every other week, since though I literally couldn't find time or energy to pluck them for about 6weeks , eventually one day I stuck the tweezers and mirror on the side in kitchen and made myself pluck a hair every time I walked past as they were hideous. I've accepted it's been tougher currently than it should have been, for everyone, juggling all the balls and dropping them. Don't be hard on yourself x I regularly forget to look in mirror and when I do I don't recognise myself and I look so tired especially worse if I didn't really get ready for the day -I suppose the thing I hold on to is in time it comes easier, as it did with first and you get that time back eventually I know it does it's happpened before I just can't remember when yet .....

 

[Belleboo]

I’m so pleased I found this thread, I’m in the same boat. Thanks to everyone for their great advice and good luck OP I hope you enjoyed your little you time

 

[Lollipop2123]

It's so hard isn't it! I can't wait for the weekend when I can have some me time. I definitely need a re style clothes wise but I need to lose some weight first. I'm going to go on a long walk at lunch time as I have help with childcare now the lockdown rules have changed.
I just hate how old and puffy my face looks now - my eye bags are awful! Spose that's what having kids does to you hey

 

[Snazzy Cardigan]

I think a lot of us go through it, you're not alone! I had the same revelation recently and my son is a few years old. I had completely forgot to look after myself. I looked in the mirror and realised how grey I was and I looked really awful! It's not easy to fit in time but you need to be a bit selfish about it. I now insist I have one day a week where I can have the morning to myself lie in, have a long bath and do little things like sort my eyebrows out or paint my nails, colour my hair. Little things like that add up and will make you feel a bit better. A nice walk alone is good, music or a podcast and just zone out! Go and sit in a park or somewhere with a coffee! Buy yourself something nice, or some nice skincare stuff. The small things definitely add up!