Kids moving out

[leviosa]

Not sure who'll remember my last thread about my marriage breakdown. It was so very drawn out and ridiculous!! He finally moved out in March last year and I've spent that time rebuilding, enrolling in uni, basically working my undersized butt off.
However, so much damage was already done. Coupled with the fact I was on the wrong mental health meds which basically turned me into an insane person who tried to commit suicide several times last year.
It's got to a point in my house where the kids have literally no respect for me. They stay in bed until 6 pm, skip college/work where they see fit and leave all their laundry/kitchen mess/bathroom mess to me. My daughter had her 2 friends staying here, they're all 20, and they were exactly the same way. I was doing their laundry and cooking for them, no help - no contribution.
This year I've grown a backbone and decided not to take it anymore. Yesterday I asked my daughter's girls to leave so they slammed their way out of here and then my daughter was awful to me the rest of the day.
Today my ex and his partner came down. They rollocked the kids for their behaviour, made my daughter apologise to me and told them to stop blaming me for literally everything because it's not fair.
Then (unbeknowst to me) they offered for the kids to go live with them temporarily. I know this is absolutely the best move for the kids, it will do them wonders to be in a structured, strict routine where they're actually expected to clean up after themselves and get up in the morning. For the kids, it's absolutely amazing and I will NOT show them that it's tough for me.
But I just don't know after 23 years of being a mother how to .... not be? How do I come home to an empty house (bar 4 cats) and only cook for one person? Or without hugging them all the time? Or telling them I love them every five minutes?
I'm sorry this is such a stream of consciousness thread but just really struggling and not wanting the kids to know this, and I am sure there's other mums out there who's kids have moved out.

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

You’ve been through a lot. Look at it as an opportunity to continue rebuilding yourself. You’re already on your way. You’ll always be a mother, it’s just the mothering will look different with them out of the house. You’ll fall into new routines just as they will. That’s ok, that’s growth. Rebuild those relationships that have become strained through your difficult days in the past. I think honesty goes a long way with kids. I don’t know their ages, and I know we want to protect our kids from our issues and pain, but being honest (in an age/development appropriate way) about what you’ve all been through, and your intentions for the future with them will mean a lot. They may not show it immediately, but knowing they are loved and have a loving space to come to when needed will mean the world. Take care of yourself and take time to heal. Reach out for help as needed. You’ve been through a lot and this is another big change in your lives that will take time and energy to adjust to. Be gentle and patient with yourself

 

[leviosa]

They're 16 and 20, so not babies by any means and I know they need their own lives. Since husband moved out, I've learnt a lot, and with family support have discovered that there was a large amount of coercive control. I wasn't allowed to see family for many years so reconnecting with them has helped, but it's still tricky. My husband's girlfriend I think sees it more, she was utterly frustrated with the kids yesterday and told them both they need to grow up and stop blaming me for everything because it's not fair, but I guess blaming me is the pattern they've seen for a long time. I'm not perfect by any means and obviously last year would've been awful for them, I totally get that, which is why this is a really good thing for them. It's just going to take a huge amount of adjustment. Going to utterly turn into a crazy cat lady!!

 

[leviosa]

Angry and just in need of a vent. My daughter has been telling her dad and his partner that I don't buy food. I have two freezers that are literally full - my dad had a thing about having full cupboards due to his childhood and it passed on to me, I cannot bear empty cupboards, been there done that. So I went up to her last night and asked her wtf she was talking about. She said "oh I didn't mean that, I meant you don't cook every night". Firstly, I cook six nights out of seven, easy. Secondly, she's 20! I'm talking on WhatsApp to her dad about it and he's just telling me to move on. But this year I swore to grow a backbone and stop people taking the mick. It was humiliating having my husband's girlfriend here assuming that daughter was telling truth and asking if I bought food! I know this seems like a small issue but it's a pattern - people are apparently allowed to make up lies about me and I'm just meant to be ok with that. This is not fair.

 

[leviosa]

Also I'm just feeling a bit ridiculous today. And I completely GET why in the end people didn't believe my last thread because I was absolutely acting like a ridiculous human being and putting up with completely unacceptable nonsense. When I look at it now I cringe at the patheticness (word??) and what I was willing to put up with. Women!! Do not let men make you ever get into this position!!
Am still struggling to not be blamed for everything but it's getting better. Sometimes you need to grow a damn backbone before people start respecting you.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

She sounds really entitled.

At that age I was working full time & cooking my own meals & washing my own clothes. I bought a house at 21… (this was only 6 years ago).

I actually started cooking my own tea from being 12. My mum used to work 6 days a week, she wouldn’t be home until nearly 8pm, so I used to make my own tea.

id stop doing anything for her and tell her it’s about time she learned some life lessons

 

[leviosa]

She sounds really entitled.

At that age I was working full time & cooking my own meals & washing my own clothes. I bought a house at 21… (this was only 6 years ago).

I actually started cooking my own tea from being 12. My mum used to work 6 days a week, she wouldn’t be home until nearly 8pm, so I used to make my own tea.

id stop doing anything for her and tell her it’s about time she learned some life lessons

Imagine!! I would actually completely love to do this. When I was her age I was married with my first kid. Since their dad left it's been like I've trying to make it up to them and maybe it's about time I stopped that.

(Also, how the hell did you buy a house at 21?? I want to endlessly quiz you now!)

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Imagine!! I would actually completely love to do this. When I was her age I was married with my first kid. Since their dad left it's been like I've trying to make it up to them and maybe it's about time I stopped that.

(Also, how the hell did you buy a house at 21?? I want to endlessly quiz you now!)

Yeah I think you should. My mum was always tough love with me as she was a single parent. I had to work hard and be respectful.

I was working two jobs at uni & saved like mad! Myself and my now husband bought the house between us. We are up north though, it’s a little cheaper here!

 

[leviosa]

Yeah I think you should. My mum was always tough love with me as she was a single parent. I had to work hard and be respectful.

I was working two jobs at uni & saved like mad! Myself and my now husband bought the house between us. We are up north though, it’s a little cheaper here!

Oh wow, thats properly amazing, well done! Having difficulty here even trying to encourage daughter to take driving lessons. This month she decided to not pay rent (a very nominal amount, tbf) because it didn't suit her. We're down south but even so, she could at least TRY I think to carve a life for herself.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Oh wow, thats properly amazing, well done! Having difficulty here even trying to encourage daughter to take driving lessons. This month she decided to not pay rent (a very nominal amount, tbf) because it didn't suit her. We're down south but even so, she could at least TRY I think to carve a life for herself.

Thank you!

Must admit I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 and I only decided to learn because our house is in a rural area. I used to rely on public transport when I lived at home.

I’d just leave her to it. Tell her she needs to sort herself out until she respects you. Leave her to her own choices, but tell her rent is non negotiable while she’s living with you. She will soon get the message.

 

[leviosa]

Thank you!

Must admit I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 and I only decided to learn because our house is in a rural area. I used to rely on public transport when I lived at home.

I’d just leave her to it. Tell her she needs to sort herself out until she respects you. Leave her to her own choices, but tell her rent is non negotiable while she’s living with you. She will soon get the message.

No that sounded all judgy, I'm sorry!! I just want them to be everything I wasn't. Independent, being able to drive/travel, do their own things. But I think it's' probably her best opportunity to learn whilst still at home, and things are cheaper. She clearly doesn't want to move out but she does maybe need to be her age a bit, I can only do so much.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

No that sounded all judgy, I'm sorry!! I just want them to be everything I wasn't. Independent, being able to drive/travel, do their own things. But I think it's' probably her best opportunity to learn whilst still at home, and things are cheaper. She clearly doesn't want to move out but she does maybe need to be her age a bit, I can only do so much.

It didn’t honestly!

It’s totally normal to want things for your kids that you didn’t have and you sound like a really caring mum honestly. It’s just a shame she doesn’t appreciate at the moment how good she has it, but I’m sure she will eventually!