Brown sharkling has broken me!Wonder if she’s actually had to be on a ward with non celeb bespoke influencers?
Think about the poor women in there too, still nauseous off all the drugs and hormones, having to cope with them two, slurping oysters and chonging twirls all over the gaff.
Can’t sleep at night for the broken ring lights, Frodo knocking up an island on wheels to keep her 1000 cards from well wishers.
THM hogging the bathroom and leaving tan footprints all over. She’s got those cringe cards everyone buys, Baby’s first smile, Baby’s first brown sharkling. Poor women.
I'm in tears, even did one of those awful little piggy snort laughsAT APH:
MIDWIFE: RIGHT KATE HUN YOU CAN FINALLY MEET YOUR BABY GERL CONGRATS, HERE SHE IS
*Olive is passed over the surgery screen and held in the air like a fish that’s just been caught in the sea*
DELO: FUCKIN HELL KATE SHES ERE!! 2 BECOME 3 GERL!!
THM: MATT! FUCKEN JUS GET ME PHONE NOW THOUGHT I FUCKIN SAID TO GIVE IT ME BEFORE THIS MIDWIFE HANDS HER OVER TO ME MMMKAY???!!
*Delo dives head first into his overnight bag flapping about looking for her phone whilst Kate is looking down at him picking her nose, both nostrils at the same time*
THM: *points with her middle finger to her gifted bag* ITS IN MY BAG YA DICKHEAD, GET OUT YOUR UNNECESSARY OVERNIGHT BAG QUICK MMMKAY, LOOK NEAR ME NEAR THE CANDLES, PAMPAS GRASS & BREATH SPRAY!!!!!
*Delo goes cross eyed for a few seconds trying to find it, finally sees it all covered in orange Dior finger marks and a strip eyelash - hands it to Momma*
MIDWIFE: HERE YOU GO SHES ALL SWADDLED HERE - WHAT ARE YA GONNA CALL HER????
Delo: A REALLY BESPOKE NAME. DO YOU WANT ANY PANELLING DOING BY THE WAY? GOT ME WORK PHONE ON ME CAN BOOK YA IN?
THM: A NAME MMMKAY, SO SO RARE, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER GUESS. A NAME SO OLD IT IS ONLY FOUND IN THE BIBLE MMKAY AND OLD HISTORY BOOKS. A NAME SO AMAZING NO ONE WILL GET IT
*Health visitor side steps into the door and is hit in the face by THM’s rancid breath that’s filled the room*
Health Visitor: *holding her nose* I AM HEALTH VISITOR KATE ... AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEAKED THE BABIES NAME ON INSTAGRAM VIA A DUMMY CLIP
THM: YOU ON TATTLE? MMKAY, YOU A TROLL????
MIDWIFE: DO YA DO PANELLING YEAH? ILL GIVE YA MY NUMBER IM NESTON AREA. DO YA CONVERT TINY GARAGES INTO TINY INADEQUATE LIVING ROOMS TOO???
HEALTH VISITOR: IS IT OLIVE?
DELO: I DO YEAH. FOLLOW MY INSTA AND ILL MESSAGE YA. SOZ HV BUT YOUR THE FUCKING QUEEN OF TATTLE, BEST GET OUT NOW OR ILL BE KNOCKING ON YA MAMS DOOR.
*Health visitor runs towards delivery room door leaving behind a shoe like Cinderella, turns back and waits for Delo to look round, he does a phone sign with his hand to her with dead pan eyes*
THM: SHE IS GORGEOUS HONESTLY IVE NEVER SEEN A MORE BESPOKE BABY, MATT SHES YOUR PRINCESS ISNT SHE MATT? MMKAY MATT YOU OBSESSED? IM SO OBSESSED! BEST BABY EVER!!!!!!! LEMME RING CHEZZA
*dials Chez whilst the midwife tries to whack THM’s leaky tyre tit into poor Olives tiny tired mouth, Delo tries to squeeze a tear out hoping THM will see*
CHEZ: IYA BABE!!! OORRRRRR IVE BEEN WAITING BY MY PHONE GERL. I SAID TO BAAYLAY FUCK THE HATERS! YOU ARE SO ICONIC KATE. HEARD FROM DENA? IVE BLOCKED HER NAH.
THM: SHES HERE LUV, SHES AMAYZIN, MMMKAY, 10LB 8, GOT MY ENLARGED NOSE, NOT MUCH HAIR BUT ILL DRAG A TOOTHBRUSH THROUGH ANYWAY LIKE FOR THE GRAM. THE SECTION WAS GIFTED YA KNOW!!! HOWS IBIZA MMKAY?
CHEZ: CARRNT WAIT TO SEE HER, CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK IS ASKING ME WHERE HIS JEANS ARE? IBIZA IS GORGE HUN, LEFT MY HOOVER ROUND THE POOL YESTERDAY WHILE I WENT FOR A SHIT, TOLD BAYLAY KEEP AN EYE ON IT AND SOMEONES FUCKING HAD OFF WITH IT
THM: OK HUN WELL I AM SO TIRED FROM ALL THIS DELIVERY MMKAY, I HAVE 10000’S OF STITCHES BUT MY SCAR IS BASICALLY INVISIBLE IM SO LUCKY. GONNA GIVE MATT AN ULTIMATUM TOMORROW WHICH FORCES HIM INTO PROPOSING, SO, YEAH.
CHEZ: YOU ARE A BOSS BABE.
*THM puts the phone down on top of Olives head, looks down at her daughter and her face lights up, she just realised the babies head is the perfect phone holder she can still scroll insta/tattle
MIDWIFE: YOUR DOING WELL KATE, KEEP YA TIT IN HER MOUTH AND LETS KEEP THE SKIN TO SK - WAIT LET ME JUST LOOK AT BABY...
DELO: WHY WHATS THE MATTER?
MIDWIFE: HER SKIN, ITS...
*THM looks down and notices all her shit strawberry mouse BPERFECT tan is all over poor bloody Olive*
THM: OH ITS THIS AMAYYYZIN TAN MMKAY, ILL WIPE IT OFF WHEN SHES FINISHED ON MY LEAKING BURGER NIP. DO YOU WANT MY DISCOUNT CODE TO ORDER SOME MMKAY?
*Midwife takes baby’s paperwork and leaves the room*
DELO: KATE THE LADS ARE OUT IN TOWN TONIGHT GERL GONNA GO WET THE BABYS HEAD.
THM: FUCKIN HELL MATT, MMKAY I KNEW THIS WAS COMING, THROWING ME ORANGE JUICE AT ME ON INSTA THE OTHER DAY LIKE A KNOB, LOOKING FED UP AS FUCK, SUP WITH YA DADDY DIY MMKAY?
*Delo shakes his head and moonwalks out the room all the way to the lift*
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