Jack Monroe # 47 And Still I Rinse

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Your wish is my command.

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who posts shit all resembling the truth
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who begs for cash from you

If I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who gets drunk 'cos of you
And if I haver, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who's havering a chaos 'cos of you

But I would rinse 500 beans
And I would rinse 500 more
Just to be the one who rinses a thousand beans
And steps on glass that's on my floor

(what a wanker, what a wanker)

When I'm working, yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who's working more than you
And when the money comes in for the crap food that I'll do
I'll claim I'm skint and ask on Patreon for more

When I come home, oh I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one whose bungalow just won't do
And if I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one with knickers out for you

But I would zap 5000 tweets
And I'd delete 10,000 more
Just to be the one who suffers most
Even though I'm really not that poor

(what a wanker, what a wanker)

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna buy a kitten just because I do
And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the cash I get from you

When I get down , yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one laying on a sideboard just for you
And when I come down, yes I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the one who bruises their eyes
Shaves off their hair
Buys three wigs
Photoshops their arms
Gets more filler
Chews their lip
Photoshops their hip
Saves the poor
Asks Patreon for even more
Fights all wrongs
Sings a song
Screams and shouts
Filters their pouts
Kicks men in the shins
LOOK, EVERYBODY - Aren't I thin?
Shows off their pills
Has no kitchen skills - GASP -
I'm gonna be the one who's triangulating you

But I would claim 500 schools
And I would claim 500 more
Have asked me for advice on books
And how to feed the defenceless poor

But I would wear the Westwood dress
With my Emin on the toilet door
Because I'm the fucking Bootstrap Cook
And don't ever forget that I. WAS. POOR.

 

[Flumps]

......go onnn.........

Strap in.....

Back in the dim, dark mists of time, or 9 years ago, when I had just been diagnosed with cancer, I had to go for lots of scans, as you do. Some of the MRIs took ages, and my hospital was very lovely and offered you the option of having your own choice of music piped into your ears while this was happening, if you brought your own CD with you. I was also taking part in a trial of a new method of imaging for cervical cancer, that involved longer in the machine while they experimented a bit with the scans. I'm a bit claustrophobic, not great at hospitals and was generally freaking out, what with all the cancer stuff. It occurred to me that while music wouldn't be very distracting, I was very fond of audiobooks and if I took one with me, it would be a good distraction for the 2 hours of imaging that they were planning to do. So I went to the library and borrowed the audiobook of one of the Outlander series on CD, as I love the reader, and the books, as you say, are a guilty pleasure.

So, I arrive at the MRI centre. Mine was a very popular MRI that day, as it was this experimental thing, so the consultant doing the research and their assistant were there, along with friendly nurses, radiologists galore, and I don't know who else, but it was a very busy room of people. I gave one of the nurses my CD, and she said, 'Ok, I'll pop that on for you and you'll hear it through the headphones when we start'. I get in the MRI room, long chat with the consultant, insertion of a magnet on a stick into, well, you can imagine where, and an injection to stop my bowel from moving. So far, so dignified.

The MRI imaging begins. It is very loud, and when they check I ask them to turn up the volume of the audiobook as it's hard to hear. It wasn't the first of the Outlander series, it was one set in America, and I'm settling in, quite happily considering, and listening to the soothing tones of the narrator. The mood of the book changes, from a general party scene, to a rather questionable soft-core sex scene, that involved v quiet sex between Claire and Jamie, surrounded by lots of other sleeping people after the party. Both graphic and slightly dodgy for a variety of reasons. There is a description of children sleeping nearby, and no skimping on the sex detail. 'Eep.' think I, mildly embarrassed, but comforting myself with the thought that though I am embarrassed, because there's room full of people staring at my cervix next door, at least it's on headphones, so the embarrassment is confined to me.

Time passes... sex scene eventually ends. A little while later, the MRI ends, and the lovely people come back into the room, remove the headphones and my accoutrements, reassure me very professionally, and escort me from the room. Once outside the MRI room and by the observation/scanning room, I can suddenly and clearly hear the dulcet tones of the narrator of the audiobook describing Claire and Jamie's ongoing adventures VERY LOUDLY. The nurse who I gave the CD to stops the player and politely hands me my disc back. I look at her, utterly appalled and immediately bright red and whisper 'I'm so sorry, could that be heard the whole time'. 'Yes', she replies, sympathetically, 'Whatever is played through the headphones is also played out here and gets louder when we turn it up for you.' 'Oh' I reply. 'Yes' she replies. I exit, forever pursued by shame and embarrassment.

That is my Outlander story.

 

[Anonymous One]

View attachment 183921

1) People who are about to be detained under the mental health act don’t get to decide whether they go on a pleasant jaunt to Edinburgh or to a psychiatric unit. They don’t have a choice because they’re so unwell.

2) Trivialising detention under the MHA is absolutely not on.

3) People who are going to be admitted to psychiatric units as voluntary patients also don’t get to choose whether to do that or go on holiday.

4) She is absolutely not under a crisis team at the moment as there is no way any crisis team would allow her to suddenly go off to Edinburgh.

5) Her constant trivialisation of suicidal ideation and turning death by suicide into a threat is as dangerous as it is unpleasant.

Honestly it’s dangerous for somebody in the public eye who says she has various mental illnesses to trivialise mental illness/detention under the MHA.

 

[MancBee]

I have written before how when I was told I had a terminal illness, I squandered my money thinking I had no need to plan a future (thankfully I am still here and doing ok). I owned a flat in the city, a good job, which I left with a handsome pay off, and a legacy from my late partner. I would take off on a plane to anywhere, at a moments notice. If I had received good results at the hospital, I would just go and set off for somewhere. I have been to most of the usual places in Europe, Asia, America North and South, Australia etc etc.

But, and it is a big but, I did this to get away from the day to day issues I had to deal with. I didn't take them with me. I used it to get away from my worries and cares. I never mentioned my illness to anyone I met, I wanted to just be normal for that time. What R Jackie (love that, who first used it?) has done is take her life and set it up in a new location. Everything is the same except the backdrop. How does she think this will help in any way?

My money is gone, a lot wasted on alcohol and drugs, but I do not wail and moan about how unlucky I am. I am grateful for every day that I am still here. My start in life was poor, my end will be in poverty, but what an amazing life I have had. Some shit things happened, as I've mentioned before, but some great things too. Good and bad things happen to you in life, that is real life.

Instagram life is not real, people don't really live like some wanky Instagram portrayal of life.

 

[Tinaeatthefood]

Finally gave in and joined Tattle. Every thread on JM on Mumsnet gets deleted (is she tracking those threads?) and I AM SO ANGRY AND JUST NEED PEOPLE WHO ARE ANGRY WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I always liked Jack, because I didn’t know much about her and thought she was down to earth and nice. But then the kitten thing happened and that fucked me off. As well as taking about how she’d spent so much money on vets bills but asking her probably not well off followers for donations. Then I read about her Kickstarter and her raising £68,000 for a book that takes £10,000 to have published while claiming she’s still poor. Then I learned that this whole poor thing was her being on benefits for 18 months after leaving a job, while having a well off family. Not quite sure that really counts. Then I read about the Jamie Oliver thing, and now jetting off to Edinburgh on a whim when she was *so heartbroken* over a cat she’d had for 15 days who she knew was going to die, leaving her son with his dad and not even booking a return ticket. Oh, and claiming that she’s under the mental health crisis team and this is an ‘Intervention’ - erm, pretty sure the crisis team wouldn’t allow you to leave the country if you’re under watch, having been under the crisis team multiple times myself. WHY AM I SO BLOODY ANGRY

 

[FlowerOfTheEast]

Hello! Having lurked for about 20 threads, Jack's trip to Edinburgh has finally tipped me over the edge into registering and posting. I live in Edinburgh (I could be on the street she appears to be in in about 15 minutes, not that I am triangulating your honour...) and I am so fucking cross that she has just upped and come here for no apparent reason in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I had to sit on my hands not to tweet her last night.
I will also say that city centre apartment hotels, even in these times, are not cheap.
I have to go just now because I'm BUSY but I have so enjoyed reading these threads, despite the subject matter at times, because people here are hilarious and so supportive of each other.

 

[lilamay]

Oh was it hard resisting 'liking' this reply!

 

[Flumps]

I tend not to quote her followers, because it's not them I really have an issue with, and do get that they are probably not paying the forensic level of detail to JM's output, that we do (and sure, sometimes I wonder why I do, but it's been a long lockdown) but was looking for the reply quoted above and came across this:

You can't think of *anyone*? Really? Not, um, NHS workers, care home workers, poorly remunerated shop workers, food production workers, carers, actual people in poverty, families who have lost loved ones to COVID, recovering COVID patients? No one?

I've thought for a while now (and tbf this may be happening, though my teen has never mentioned it), that it would be great if schools used their PSHE classes to do some extensive work on critical thinking. I know I learnt it at school, but in an implied sort of way in history and politics classes particularly, but I really think we could do with an updated modern version for the social media world. For this sort of gas lighting and for unrealistic body images, filtering and lighting tricks. We're expecting young people to navigate extraordinarily manipulated territory and don't seem to be giving them the tools to manage it. I do it, as a parent, but as with many parents with teens, I'm often dismissed as not *understanding* things enough, if they were talking about it in a guided way, amongst each other, I feel like it would be invaluable.

 

[Harrybosch]

Hello again. Once again I'm behind - ever since work has started to kick off again I'm permanently behind. It's very stressful!

Anyway, for all of the speculation about her latest adventure up North, here's what actually happened (based on nothing more than my cop's intuition).

Monday 13 July, am: Kitten dies.

Monday 13 July, early pm: Jackie plays with boy and buys crisps.

Monday 13 July, late pm (or Tuesday 14 July): Boy goes to stay with dad (either normal rota or because Jackie couldn't cope).

Tuesday 14 July: Jackie thinks 'I have a great idea! I'm going to go to Edinburgh with my blender.'

Tuesday 14 July: Jackie tweets lots about kitten, death threats, broken heart and Japanese crafts, while behind the scenes booking a sleeper train, sorting out a hotel and packing up backdrops for mysterious photo shoots in the land of the Brave.

Wednesday 15 July, noon: Jackie treats her followers to a smorgasbord of wigs and a plethora of definitely un-photoshopped pics. She looks amazing and the world is wowed by her beauty and poise.

Wednesday 15 July, early pm: Jackie tweets insinuating she may be thinking about a trip up North. She also casually pops out for food other than pickles.

Wednesday 15 July, late pm: Jackie tells the world she's actually on the Caledonian Sleeper. The world thinks 'hang on a minute, you just asked us about travelling five minutes ago. Gosh, you are so spontaneous and brave. But also, wash your hands'.

Thursday 16 July, am: Jackie finally reveals that she's travelling with a blender, a plan she hatched a full 48 hours before the grand reveal. The world is in shock and awe.

 

[MrsOgre]

Hi Jack I see we are giving you content for your shitty posts now. This is my post from yesterday regarding the face masks that you appeared to have copied (I don't study thesaurus and come out with bullshitty words all the time). Why don't you fuck off back to Southend and start being a mother, and if possible try to learn how to cook as well. Scotland doesn't want you no matter how many people are telling you otherwise. Oh dear.

 

[triangulateme]

Also a 'newbie' although I stumbled upon these threads a week or so ago.

I am glad not to be alone!

When I first heard about Jack, I thought she had some good ideas, genuinely wanted to help people who were struggling, and was someone who had a level of awareness.

Then I saw if it wasn't about her, she didn't care.

But to look at the twitter, you'd think that she was some sort of saint.

I first heard about her again during the JO saga. And couldn't get over how someone who bangs on about 'being kind' apparently endorses her 'fans' to bully, harass and intimidate people who don't agree with 100% of what Jack says. I've never found JO to be someone I would watch, or particularly like, but I wouldn't launch a barrage of abuse against him and then encourage people who 'follow' me to be abusive to other twitter users because they dare to call her out.

The tipping jar, the patreon, the monetised videos, all of the commissions and the nicest 'shitty bungalow' I've ever seen are the real problems I have with her though. She knows that most of her 'fans' are likely to be struggling financially, but yet she manipulates and lies in order to elicit money from them. It makes me so angry.

Anyway, I had to comment, as apparently she's now Scotland's problem. Please, think about us during these difficult times.

 

[MrsOgre]

 

[Nahhh]

Also I know this opinion has been contentious with other friends of mine, but as a poor person, it properly grinds my gears seeing rich people buy up all the yellow stickers! Leave them for us lot! You can afford the good stuff!

 

[ClarenceBeakes]

Only just found out about this place and felt compelled to register. It is heartening to know that others also see through this awful woman.

 

[Beryl_Black]

I was on a Zoom call for work and had to mute myself momentarily as I started cackling at the sheer absurdity of taking a blender to Scotland.

For some reason, the mental image of her putting the blender in a suitcase has tickled me beyond belief.

I can somehow see a full on meltdown coming up. She will refuse to vacate the rental, and take herself hostage by barricading the door with the nearest 93kg sideboard she can find. As darkness falls, dressed top to toe in a Baked Bean onesie, she will publish an ISIS-type video saying she is going to OD on a cocktail of blended Corned Beef laced with fermented pistachio milk unless Louisa shows up and admits that she was completely in the wrong, and will never find anyone else as special as Jack for the rest of her life. Gazza will instead turn up with the best of intentions, and try to slip through the police cordon with a roast chicken and some anchovy butter. At this point, the Sky helicopter swings into Holyrood Park and Kay Burley is whisked across town to broadcast live from the scene. Jack surveys the scene from her window, and glows with the fire of a thousand suns as she knows that life simply does not get any better than this.

 

[BettyShoop]

I guess it will be lettuce/salad pesto and...*squints* chicken milkshake?

 

[PoorPatrol]

Not sure if I’ve mentioned before, but she’s a cunt.

She used the phrase ‘ran away’ repeatedly. Apparently decided to do it within hours with no pre warning. Is apparently going to be gone for a few weeks. Repeats that she is broken and the kitten was the only good thing bla bla. Never mentions her son as being a reason for anything nice.

I said upthread that I do sometimes go away without my children. Crucially, they have advanced warning of exactly when I’m going. They also know exactly when I’m coming back (never more than a couple of days) and I’m with them pretty much all of the rest of the time and don’t live for Twitter.

I’ve landed in the UK at 4am before, and still got up and had breakfast with mine and taken them to school, because even though they’re old enough to understand tiredness, they want to see me and to be with me as much as is possible and will have missed me. This is after even 1-2 days! The whole ‘irreverent’ ‘not sure about coming back’ thing is fucking awful to do to a child. She’s entitled to time to herself, but on a whim during a pandemic with no return date?? Wtf! How can she actually do that to her son?? Cunt

I want to know when, if EVER she’s ever taken that boy away somewhere nice. I’m sure she’d bang on abut what a burden it was if she had. I wouldn’t be going anywhere unless my children had been given a chance of having a lovely trip first. She’s so selfish and self obsessed it’s beyond belief! All about her ridiculous feelings about a cat!! I’m sorry, I know the cat was extremely upsetting and I’m not downplaying the importance of it’s little life, but her histrionics over it are fake fake fake.

pffftttt glad I got that off my chest. Cunt

 

[ChickenPorridge]

I DIDNT SAY THAT


Hahahaha. What a knob she is.

 

[crystaleyesd]

Ok but...that's a thirst pic, right? Those come hither eyes? The nakedness? It's a thirst pic with a kitten that is now dead. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

 

[NomDeGuerre]

#48: Yellow sticker, blue ticker, granny knicker