I don't like to use gaslighting because it does get overused but I am starting to see now it truly fits here. I was wondering why I kept getting cross with her, and then feeling sad for her and feeling conflicted. Her explanation about Harriet and Miliband has shone a spotlight on it for me.
She had 2 cats. (Fact) ~We know this to be true. It is evidenced.
Harriet and Miliband exist.
She shared their pictures on social media.
The cats were gone. (No explanation online remains) ~ Confusion
She states on Twitter she has only ever had one cat. (The lie) ~ Questioning ourselves, did we remember wrong? Seeking answers.
We know there were at least 2 more?
Someone asks for clarification. Where are M&H?
Jack responds. There is only 1 other cat NOW. (The excuse) ~Disbelief. She's twisted the words to make us look unreasonable. ~Doubt. Did we misunderstand? Have we taken it the wrong way?
Jack had to give up the other cats as she was THREATENED with homelessness. ~Guilt. We have invoked a bad memory. This was a traumatic time for Jack. We are at fault here.
Apologies, this is crudely done. What I really want is a flip chart and some coloured pens but you get the idea. She is TOXIC.
I don't like to throw around terms like gaslighting either. Mostly because I've had it done to me in 2 relationships for sustained periods of time and it's one of things that properly sent me around the twist in the end, because it destroyed all my understanding of what was real and what wasn't, and turned me into someone incredibly paranoid and completely destroyed my sense of self, which was shakey to start with. I still cannot express (or indeed now clearly remember, because it's too hard, and it's easier to look at it through a haze) how devastating it is, because often each example is so small and seems inconsequential, but it all builds to living a life that feels like it's built entirely on shifting sand and somehow you become the person running around trying to prop it all up with reality, but you're left with nothing tangible to cling to. You feel like you are wrong and to blame, and when you are someone who tends to blame themselves anyway (and somehow people who do this can sniff you out like truffles), then it's a completely vicious circle. You feel like you are going mad, and then, sometimes, you eventually do.
One tiny one that I always remember because it was such a nonsensical thing to do it over. I had boxes of juice to put in my daughter's lunchbox and there was only one left and I remember making a note of it, because I was going to the supermarket the next day and would pick some up.
I came to pack her lunch later for the next day and it was gone. I asked my partner where it was (he was at home all day while I was at work) and just casually asked him if he'd drunk it. He said 'No, of course not, why would I drink it?' and I knew my daughter hadn't because I'd picked her up from school and there had been no opportunity for her to drink it. So I left it for a bit, sort of went over it all in my head, remembered thinking 'There's one left' and remembered thinking about supermarkets, and just having a clear image in my head of it. I spoke to my partner again and basically said, it's not the end of the world if you did drink it, but if you can let me know, then I can pick more up. He exploded at me about how there was never enough to drink in the house and I left him there all day with nothing to drink and no money to buy any more and blah, blah, blah, how dare I accuse him of drinking a child's juice, but if he had, which he hadn't then that would have been was because there was nothing else. Sudden furious rage that blew me away (I don't like rows) and went on for ages. I just backed down, because I couldn't fight that much about apple juice, and obviously I must have been wrong. By the end I was sure there had been no apple juice, so why had I remembered it, I must be losing the plot etc etc.
My life was like that anecdote for so many years (over one marriage and one long term relationship). It is powerfully damaging, though most examples are as small as that one.
Anyway, my point is, it's not a word to be lightly used, but that whole 'one cat *now*' episode is an absolutely textbook example of gaslighting, it's, frankly, heinous behaviour. It's not about misspeaking occasionally, it's about lying, then refusing to back down, then making it seem like the other person is wrong, then throwing some guilt in on top. You've summarised it perfectly and entirely accurately there. Not sure why I wanted to chime in with my waffle, but basically, I've experienced it *a lot* and that is precisely the template.
xx
