Jack Monroe #296 Over cooked, under cooked, pumbling free

[Pumble]

Guten tag frauen!

I’ve been lurking from the beginning pretty much… drawn in on another thread and then stayed for Jack Monroe.

I’m neither poor or much of a cook (am I Jack?) it’s mostly the comedy of the canal that keeps me here.

On many occasions, I’ve been close to leaving my dark, lurkers cave, drawn out by the hilarity of (in no particular order) the kumquat salon, DKL, Go Henry, Novak Nail, Shimmery Black Eye, Vintage Spoons, The Chairs, the brave fraus who have followed a recipe with the most hilarious commentary and results (mince pie sandwich anyone?), the wonderful poetry (Why you sad? Geography bad), The Vaginal Boils Index, Pet Slop Bots Landslide (thankspaceyou) The Onion Police...

I could go on, the laughs have been endless.

However lads, today is the day... I finally cracked.

The Power of the Pumble has overcome me.

I’m also eagerly awaiting thread 300. I’m sure the Cable will have something spectacular planned and I’m (finally) here for it.

This is without doubt, the funniest place on the internet.
Now fuck off!

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Thread title courtesy of @MaineCoonMama nominated by @Sideboard Bob. As a reward you are spared from the annual sacrifice to Pumble.

In the last thread:

Jack's sentient pumble was unearthed and now we are concerned for the future of humanity.

Her weekly meal plan is both helpful and not helpful, provides all nutrients and doesn't meet her nutritional requirements. Ok then. With some granular maths I confirmed myself that it does not contain as many portions of fruit and vegetables as she claimed because she has confused counting items with counting portions.

She is now horribly ill with more lies, the lights are potentially going off. Also she made a hideous broccoli risloppo with bollock sausages on top. Is that a thing? I don't think that's a thing, is it?

 

[EnglishRoseIrishRover]

Slightly OT but…

We know that she’s not very good at actually promoting the companies that pay her for a collaboration but she kept this one very quiet indeed…

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Geetbo]

Our youf are totally screwed. Look what they’re learning
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I'm calling Ofsted.

 

[Dogmuck]

Why no twitter?
Cos I’m bitter
Why you vex
Diva love ex

 

[HotesTilaire]

I'm so invested in this mystery package subplot. I keep forgetting about it and then all of a sudden space squig pops up out of nowhere - why is he called that, by the way? - and brings it up again. I'm absolutely dying to know what it is but I'm afraid we'll never find out, as by this point I expect she's (quite sensibly) decided it's probably an IED and thrown it down a mineshaft on one of her days of gruelling physical labour.

He says he works to do with space and he has a space rocket by his name
Sadly, like Lestat squig, I think he’s a harmless, enthusiastic fellow who doesn’t communicate very well. I mean, he did say “it’s not an IED” which is pretty stupid but also probably true. I think he’s a bit of a blert. I think he’s given her something really good and he wants the unboxing film to share/show off, if it’s a signed Ian Rush shirt I’ll go mad and I’m not even a red.
On the other hand, if she ever fecking gets it, and it’s a giant red boxing glove on a spring that pops out and plants one on her boat race, I will personally marry the spaceman.

 

[Geetbo]

I would rather have a smear test than be forced to eat any of that slop.

Me too and I’m a man.

 

[jenny2603]

Look at Bungle.

Look at the loaf.

I can't say conclusively, at this stage, that the loaf is Bungle but it is one of several lines of enquiry I'm following. The Pumble better have a good alibi.

 

[StatusWoe]

The Pumble – Edgar Allan Monroe.
(Heavily abriged as I'm nowhere near clever enough for this)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I tweeted, weak and weary,

Over many a quesadilla and unremitting fever, and rusty spoons of iron ore—

While I tottered, nearly crapping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bungalow door.

“’Tis some chickpeas,” I muttered, “tapping at my bungalow door—

Only 10p and nothing more.”


And the squelching, sad rustling of each pickle and plantain

Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic tremors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood retweeting

“’Tis some sausage entreating entrance at my bungalow door—

Some Smartprice sausage entreating entrance at my bungalow door;—

They cost 10p and nothing more.”



Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there spreadsheets gleaming,

Doubting, pricing, yomping, stomping, what no mortal’s dared to price before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the squigs would give no tokens,

And the only words there spoken were the whispered pleas, “send Oxo-s”

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “risotto-s!”—

Merely rice and nothing more.


Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a yomp and flutter,

In there slumped a stately Pumble of the smartprice days of yore;

Not too far from Georgia came he; not a minute slopped or slayed he;

But, with mince, lard and unruly Swiss chard, perched above my bungalow door—

Perched and peachy, toned and fleecy, rumbling meekly —

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.


And the Pumble, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the sideboard, grumbling, fumbling, looking for some squigs to gore;

And his eyes that scan the evening, tweet the fraus and when he’s dreaming,

Harold (My OH) keeps repeating, ‘it’s just a pie and nothing more’.

 

[Ellabella]

I'm glad Jack told us apple sauce is interchangeable with eggs, because I'm well looking forward to my apple sauce and cheese omlette for dinner

 

[Veronicaaa]

So glad I clicked on this link

Spoiler: clickbait

 

[Captainmouse]

Not just us

 

[Satisfying Click]

"Apple sauce, which you might have on the side of your roast, if you're that sort of person." Why does Jack make apple sauce consumers sound like the local peeping tom?

 

[JombleWomble]

I'm spending quite a lot of time of hold this morning so to help pass the time I've invented a game. I send a photo of a Jack creation to the group chat and people guess what it is. Hilarity has ensued.

Episode one: Chocolate and pear cake (the Sloppy Saver screenshot was found in a puddle stolen from here, soz)

Feel free to pop something in my tip jar if you're impressed with my game invention, it took me 100 hours to perfect.

ETA: one of the reactions to the big reveal that it was actually a cake.

Why indeed friend, why indeed.

 

[Tabitha D]

What do you mean? Look at the sheer joy in that little face
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She really is a uniquely unappealing TV presence.
I think she resents Jamie mainly because she thinks she should have had his career - and money. Yes, she really is that deluded. And yet she’s been banging on for about 10 years now, she’s stuck in the past as food trends have moved on, and it’s pretty clear at this point she’s never going to “happen” as a food personality. If anything, DKL was her big break, and look how she utterly ballsed that up. She self-sabotages every opportunity that comes her way.
Not only that, but she’s actually been going backwards. She’s much worse on TV than she used to be, and her latest recipes are truly diabolical. Her book sales since the first one have been increasingly poor. How can she have been doing this so long and yet learned so little?
All that, and she has HMRC breathing down her neck, and a huge number of unpleasant incidents to her name (from scamminess to outright bullying) which more and more people are becoming aware of. It’ll all hit the fan one day. She’d make a good subject for media studies - the myth vs the reality, and the role SM plays (and the obsequious blue-ticks) in supporting false impressions.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Morning all!

I zoomed in so you don't have to. [CN: May cause nausea]

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I made a nice grid collage x

 

[Veronicaaa]

I just had a revelation thanks to this thread title! I always thought it was 'the wombles of Wimbledon, common are we', when in fact it's 'the wombles of Wimbledon Common are we'.

Right OK, as you were x

 

[Winthropp Tuesday]

Gutted to have missed a watch along yesterday, but added to the gallery. She must have recorded this one first given she's shaking like a hostage victim. Maybe they ditched the filmed clip for last week as it was that bad?

It's still not been added to the Lorraine site

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I love how at the end she says “all ingredients are basically interchangeable…I love it when people contact me on social media and say “I made this recipe of yours…I didn’t have this, so I used that…etc””

I made her Peach and Chickpea curry last night. I didn’t have any peaches, so I used a chicken breast, and no chickpeas so I used a potato cut up into wedges. I’d also run out of curry powder and chopped tomatoes so I used frozen peas…it was delicious 10/10 would make again. Thank you for all you do for the poors Jack!