Jack Monroe #216 What a life. What a strange, glorious, unimaginable life.

[Veronicaaa]

Jack has a very odd relationship with food. Perhaps she'd be... better doing something else

This has amused me

Chefs' secret ingredients: turn dinner from basic to brilliant

Seaweed, trotters, charcoal and even a bit of boiled potato – chefs and food writers on what they add to dinner to make it extra special

www.theguardian.com

LOL at this comment under the article

 

[BlendedSlop]

Lads, I took this picture today. Completely unedited

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Jack‘s priorities.

 

[Switchstreetz]

Some of you may remember that last December we all worked to vote and put together a little "awards ceremony" on these threads called The Sloppies (named by @JuliaGulia I believe)

If you're all willing I think we should have another one in mid December this year? Will put up a poll for choosing a specific date closer to the time, but I think 1 to 2 weeks before Xmas, with nominations opening approx the 8th or 9th November and closing after a fortnight. Then voting can start, and votes will close in early December.

These categories will be staying to make another appearance this year:

1. The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” (will probably be a small list to choose between this year)

2. The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”

3. The Full Moon award for “best chaos”

4.The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively detrimental advice”

5. The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”

7. The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”

8.
The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”

These categories will not be judged this year:

The Sure, Jan Award for “best imaginary friend or enemy

That leaves two categories which are up in the air:

The Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on Kacha's list” - I just wanted to check @kachoochoo is ok for us to include it, since The List has been your Sisyphean effort since it began it would feel wrong not to ask your permission (and maybe your dad's too )

And

The twitter bully award for “pile-on of the year" - purely because I'm not sure if we've had enough pile-ons to justify it??
But I'm waiting to hear all your thoughts on the matter.

Between now and November 7th if anyone has any suggestions for replacement categories can you stick them in a spoiler at the bottom of your posts? I'll choose one or more of them to replace the award(s) we're cycling out.

Equally if you feel any of the categories on the "stay" list should go then feel free to say! Will go by what's most popular with you all.

 

[BlendedSlop]

Thanks to @Veronicaaa for the words and @Britney Spiers Morgan for the nom. 57 reactions, which is almost half as many tins of fish in Jack's larder.

Recap:

Jack revealed she has a tell-all, """"unfiltered"""" interview in the new issue of that esteemed periodical, DIVA magazine. Shame the art department didn't get the "unfiltered" part of the memo.

The cabal discovered that Jack and the editor of DIVA, Linda Riley, apparently go way back. Make of that what you will, but don't you dare suggest she has any connections! She's done this all by herself!

She's apparently fulfilling a long-held ambition by getting one of her tits out in the photoshoot (hopefully we'll get hats to mark the occasion). But she can't say too much about it, because her mum follows her on Twitter. Because she's always so careful about publicly sharing things that might embarrass or hurt her loved ones.

She's softly, gently, back in the kitchen for the first time in forever and the light has come back. Again.

But she's also "So far from OK it's laughable" and isn't obligated to attend every argument she's invited to. She seems more than happy to send out the RSVPs herself, though.

She's due to bollock Rish-mate over the Budget before Tit Day. It remains to be seen whether this bollocking will take the form of another staged crying selfie to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

She gasped in wonder at an unexpected tree.

The tinned fish era continued. So, so much fish. There's been a suspicious lack of eggs lately, though, which hasn't gone unnoticed by the cabal. More on this thrilling intrigue as things develop, maybe.

Go well whelk.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Yes, the Diva article is live now. It's mostly about how the pressure of being a minor celeb (her description) drove her to madness and addiction and this was the facility she attended for help, and is now working for.

This was all during the summer when she was staying at the hotel. The caravan holiday was her 'graduation' treat.

For the first time, her timeline adds up.

Oh no, that’s not fair. I haven’t read it and probably won’t and I’m jumping ahead so apologies but I need to get this off my chest.

Alcoholism is an illness, it’s an allergy. Not everyone believes that but it is what we’re told in AA and again, Jack has opened the AA door so I feel it okay to speak about it. The allergy manifests itself in alcoholics in a way it doesn’t in people who are not - once we take one drink, we physically can’t stop. Once you know that, and work on the other elements of being an alcoholic - the skewed thinking, the self-pity complex, the victim putting the past to bed once and for all, (these were some of my own issues), you can manage the twofold illness and be happy (for the first time in a lot of cases).

My experiences that did NOT make me an alcoholic (trigger warning - tough times discussed but also a bit of a self-indulgent pity party so avoid if that’s as palatable as a sardine buffet

Spoiler: Me-rail

Watching my dad fall ill as a child and his subsequent ill health, being sexually abused, my mum dying, a controlling and coercive boyfriend, being picked on at school, chronic lack of self-esteem, being poor, worrying about everything.

I am struggling just now, struggling to deal with things I can’t control that I HAVE to deal with. Drink won’t change it.

Reading about yourself is NOT the same as being trolled on your social media. DON’T READ HERE! And if you are being trolled, show the messages without doxxing and you will find a lot of people here stick up for you.

And I’d like to remind Jack that if I was her, I would put out an apology as amends for being nasty to “addicts” on your Twitter platform. That would be out of order anyway but given you are one, it’s worse. I’ll wait until you accept you are one though.

 

[NP]

View attachment 830212

I don't eat fish but, wtf? Doesn't fish generally taste... fishy?

Also, I drew a pumpkin.

Reminds me of this brilliant tweet from Nigel Slater.

 

[MancBee]

I reckon it's because she can't cook it properly. I mean, it's not hard but I do know some people who struggle to get fresh fish right. Tinned is straightforward as you just use it straight up as it is. At least, regular people do. As we've seen in abundance this week Jack can't seem to do tinned fish either.

It is easy to cook fresh fish. You just freeze it for a few months, the longer the better. Then you defrost it in an oven proof tray. Then you oven bake it for 4 hours in its own defrosting juices.

I learned that from a literal food expert.

 

[colouredlines]

I give it three months before the inevitable "Nobody knew it at the time because I was bravely smiling, but my sardines on toast phase was a secret cry for help."

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

View attachment 829661

View attachment 829662

View attachment 829663

View attachment 829666

View attachment 829674

Jack.

You..

1. have the triumvirate of dyson electrical goods,
2. own a wooden calculator, triangulated to cost £20,
3.wear £90 leggings,
4. use a £1100 useless water rower,
5. have numerous sideboards costing between £500 and £2000,
6. use an Emma Bridgewater schrodinger toaster, currently retailing at around £80 and
7. swing around your massive garden on a £400 John Lewis hammock

All at your patreons’ literal expense. As we were, nothing to see here but more of the same old same old, tale as old as time, then.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I would like to unsubscribe from “daily tinned fish on toast” updates.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

What is Jack Monroe’s favourite dating website?

Spoiler

Plenty Of Fish!

 

[Pocahontas]

Imagine boning tinned sardines, wtf.

 

[skronkywildcat]

 

[PeachyP]

Vote Fishi Sunak for thread title

She’s going to give Fishi Sunak a pollocking

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Dear fucking Lord Jesus Compton. I've come up with a recipe to rival Black & Cheese. It's called Jack & Please, here's how you make it.

Ingredients
-a litre of shut the fuck up
-two tablespoons of you are unbearable
-500g of stop it
-a teaspoon of go away

Method
1. STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FISH


Your lambo's just pulled in, in case you still want it, Hotes xx

Spoiler: beep beep coming through

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I don't eat fish but, wtf? Doesn't fish generally taste... fishy?

Also, I drew a pumpkin.

 

[EllaEm87]

Ah don’t worry Orphy-B doesn’t matter who screenshots. Sorry I ended up having a titmas morning Dino nap. Screenshots behind spoiler but really it’s just a bit of side/under boob if that!

Spoiler: Diva Article

View attachment 834838View attachment 834839View attachment 834840View attachment 834841View attachment 834842View attachment 834845

Her mum had the right idea. It wasn’t the cabal that caused the issues, she’s had issues for many, many years. I don’t think any of us directly contacted anyone she’s accused us of harassing there?! She can blame us all she likes, but her addiction issues have far outlived Tattle.

ETA “breathed not a word of this on social media” am I the only one who remembers then no context oncologist shout out?!!