Jack Monroe #145 Mamapapa, why is all the food brown?

[GothPrincess]

News just in via my friend...Jack babes, fuck the cooking and ruining the house, your landlady would just like the rent paid.

Scales are beginning to fall from the landlady’s eyes.

 

[MancBee]

I really would not be able to survive a single day without applying Pythagoras!!! I might even change my username to Hypotenuse.

The teacher turning up at the doorstep, yeah, right. That is another film scene set in a
preferably Northern industrial setting, Miss Monroe working in a factory and SB as a gifted child and a very dedicated teacher who walks along a cobbled street to drop off books, knocking at the door "Miss?! It is Miss Cunningham, SB's teacher. I thought I'd give you those...your SB is a lovely and talented fella, I know you are not able to read and write and only know Pythagoras, but this might help him."

Miss Cunningham stood on the doorstep, trembling with excitement, hardly able to contain her emotions.
Jack was full of trepidation as she opened the door, frightened that it was a debt collector, did she mention she had previously had debts? She let out a sigh of relief when she realised it was small boy's teacher, not some burly bailiff, she said quietly "what can have possibly brought you to our door in the middle of a pandemic?".
Miss Cunningham looked at Jack and with tears in her eyes said "The staff at the school have had a meeting and I was asked to come around and convey the most amazing news."
"What can it possibly be?" Jack said fearful that the news might be something that will have her screeching, sobbing and clawing at the floor.
"Don't look so concerned" said Miss Cunningham "your small boy has been diagnosed as gifted"
Jack smiled wryly "is that all?" she said "I was diagnosed gifted at a much younger age" and then went on to bore Miss Cunningham to death with her stories of her dead granddad and dusty aunt Helen.

 

[hollowhusk]

Monroe only got her diagnosis of autism a few years’ back, prompted by her inability to learn to drive, roundabouts and junctions being a particular hazard. “I just freeze, like a blackout. It happens in other areas of my life too,” she says. “So the doctor tested me and said I have 99 per cent of the qualities of classic autism and there are ADHD qualities to it. But what do you do about it? I just say ‘I’m autistic, that means I’m a bit odd – not all autistic people are odd – but I’m a bit socially awkward, not very good at feelings. But I’m a fantastic cook, so come over and let me cook for you but don’t try and talk to me too much about how your day is going.’”

from the Scotsman article quoted on the last thread.

Lies, lies, lies.

Fuck off you lying idiot.

So you first claim a magic educational psychiatrist turns up at your house when you were 12 and diagnoses you and your parents hide it from you and then this fucking bullshit.

What Dr tested you? Please tell me what the 99% qualities of autism you have, and the 1% you don't have? She has not mentioned SEVERE autism yet but this 99% bullshit hints at it.

When did the ADHD diagnosis appear? That article is from early 2019.

The stereotype of being a bit socially awkward in there, funny how you manage to go to Glasto which would be a sensory nightmare for almost all autistic people. Loads of non autistic people are a bit socially awkward.

And what the fuck have roundabouts got to do with it? I don't remember roundabouts and driving being on the diagnostic tests I actually took, I've not heard one other autistic person talk bullshit about roundabouts.I'm taking my non autistic daughter out for practice drives right now, and guess what? She doesn't like roundabouts because they are hard for a learner driver.

Stop damaging the work people have done to help autistic girls and woman be recognised with your bullshit.

 

[blurstoftimes]

What is this and why is it *there*?

View attachment 418526

I believe those are rags that she uses to carry her belongings on a stick - on account of being very poor

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I just can’t with Jack anymore. There are two things that are big deals in my life that she’s lied about (or at least been economical with the truth) - alcoholism and autism. I had a feeling she might not have been entirely honest about her drinking but when Essex Girl hinted at it, it bloody annoyed me (annoyed at Jack, not EG). Alcoholism is a terrible illness (and sometimes it’s not that great after you stop drinking) and not something to be lied about on Twitter.

I feel the same way about autism. I guess if you’re going to lie about things then, like alcoholism, autism is so varied there’s not a gauge or a benchmark and anyone can say they have it and there’s no way of proving/disproving it. But it’s real for so many people and it really isn’t something to be joked or lied about either. I’ve mentioned it before, my SB has been diagnosed with autism and Global Development Delay. He’s 5 soon but he’s nowhere near 5 in his development. We have applied for a place in our area’s only SEND school but if he doesn’t get then he’ll be at mainstream school and I feel sick just thinking about that. I know from groups I’m in that so many children with ASN are at mainstream school when they shouldn’t be and it hurts my heart.

I got as far as her tweets about the teacher coming to her door. If I thought it was true, I’d be jealous. I would love to do all the things with my son she could do if she wanted. I’d feed him proper food, I’d read David Williams books with him and I 100% would not put embarrassing things about him on social media. “Be thankful for what you have. Your life is someone else’s fairytale” - saw that and thought of you Jack

 

[girolle]

View attachment 417020

She probably thinks triangulation involves Pythagoras' theorem.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Jack: I'm not for sale!

Also Jack:

For a committed lesbian she certainly spends a lot of time fucking about with knobs. The general state of her kitchen makes me feel ill but the mis-matched knobs are a particular low-light. I didn't have any smelling salts to overcome my fit of the vapours but fortunately I did have some dishwasher salt (for de-icing outside my front door, I don't have a dishwasher because I RENT).

 

[Thank(space)you]

My mum blamed me being born for her her smoking! Apparently I was “a difficult baby” She says it in a “joking “ way. Took me years to realise how horrible it was.

On a grunk as per but my mum used to "affectionately" call me jail bait, and chocolate brownie I look like my dad so I was hated on that basis. But then she realised

Spoiler: TW: Sexual abuse of a minor

she could make money off of me via letting me be abused. She always told me I was frequently told the only thing I was good for was what was between my legs

to this day she acts like the fact she raised us kids is a debt we need to pay back.

Dare I say I think I'd have rather had Jack as a mum


On topic, regarding Jack's kitchen. She's completely ruined it. Such potential, wasted. I don't even know where to begin with that.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Eureka!

She puts the sodding tripod up at X height to ensure that Bae catches her sleeping at 45 degrees.

By the way, she needs to learn to use a dictionary rather than a Thesaurus. Vernacular is the language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people in a particular country or region, not the largely incomprehensible ramblings of yer actual Food Hater.

The lie on the hypotenuse is equal to the lies on the other two sides.

 

[Emmapism]

Is anyone else realllllly troubled by her talking about motherhood using terms like 'a return on my physical and emotional investment'?

I mean.......Jesus christ.

 

[PortiaControl]

Why is she so obsessed with her chest? No one gives two hoots about your norks love so I don't know why you bring your "double D's" up at every opportunity.

Also DD means nothing without a band size attached. DD just means 5" difference between your underbust and full bust measurement. Which actually is probably pretty average I'd say? Probably less than average? I hate the way she makes out her tits are huge as they are DDs. A 28DD is vastly different in volume from a 38DD. Gosh this infuriates me. It's no wonder so many people are wearing ill-fitting, incorrectly sized bras with this kind of thing frequently perpetuated in the media.

Apologies fraus it appears we've found the hill upon which I'll die! I just hate bra sizing misinformation and want everyone to be adequately supported regardless of size.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

SB is racing through his work at such a rate he needs additional work...and Jack is "absolutely not helping him"...so what the fuck was she wanging on about last week complaining about home schooling him? He's clearly working independently. It's the inconsistencies Mick, I just love em!

 

[GothPrincess]

Also, her dad is a bloody landlord. She’s got a cheek not paying her rent. This is the landlady’s only property, she doesn’t have a property empire. She actually needs the rent from this house. Jack, you really are disgusting, we don’t need recycled beetroot water to see that.

Edit for spelling.

 

[boysinthehood]

Sorry to post something so distressing. A mother and child. And judging by the roundness of the mother it looks like she was pregnant. I threw myself on the floor, howling and wailing.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Can you imagine being in a relationship where you were constantly reminded of how fucking amazing the ex was, they were a multimillionaire, they had a wonderful house, they had books and TV shows and magazine full colour splashes and covers and your partner's photos taken when they were together show them as healthy, relaxed and happy at all times? But you get a miserable, angry, resentful, 'Well, I didn't have to cook absolutely everything all the time, I'd get lovely meals made for me because she could cook and wasn't off on a bike for hours every day, we just had to nip onto the Tube to get anywhere nice, rather than be trapped in this boring suburban hellhole where even Lidl is too far to get to, there was this wonderful little restaurant just round the corner from...OH. YOU'VE BEEN THERE, HAVE YOU? Was that one of your ''late night meetings'', by any chance, where I was sat here all alone for the entire weekend? [sniff] I suppose you'll be wanting your supper now and not tea like a normal person. [slams bowl of pureed vegetable pie filling onto the table.] I was TOO OUCHY to make pastry. I had to walk all the way to ASDA's, you know. And all the way back, too, because nobody 'needs a car', apparently.'

Fuck's sake.

 

[Mr Krabs]

Can you imagine being in a relationship where you were constantly reminded of how fucking amazing the ex was, they were a multimillionaire, they had a wonderful house, they had books and TV shows and magazine full colour splashes and covers and your partner's photos taken when they were together show them as healthy, relaxed and happy at all times? But you get a miserable, angry, resentful, 'Well, I didn't have to cook absolutely everything all the time, I'd get lovely meals made for me because she could cook and wasn't off on a bike for hours every day, we just had to nip onto the Tube to get anywhere nice, rather than be trapped in this boring suburban hellhole where even Lidl is too far to get to, there was this wonderful little restaurant just round the corner from...OH. YOU'VE BEEN THERE, HAVE YOU? Was that one of your ''late night meetings'', by any chance, where I was sat here all alone for the entire weekend? [sniff] I suppose you'll be wanting your supper now and not tea like a normal person. [slams bowl of pureed vegetable pie filling onto the table.] I was TOO OUCHY to make pastry. I had to walk all the way to ASDA's, you know. And all the way back, too, because nobody 'needs a car', apparently.'

Fuck's sake.

Am I the only one who wants Allegra and Louisa to get together? They could share war stories and enjoy delicious non-sloppy meals together, while living in a house with stairs. And the narc rage coming from the shitty bungalow would be amazing.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Caroline, sorting out the post in the shitty bungalow, pre-furlough:

 

[HotesTilaire]

Yes, she is that small minded.
She lives in the 1850’s 1950’s, where a lady bride with tattoos would only be slightly less bizarre than an unmarried mother. Queen Vic dosn't believe in lesbians and the Onion police enforce strict gender roles.
Our plucky urchin is condemned to live in a shitty bungalow prison by the sea, forced to write on Twitter day in day out to keep her in crinolines and breeches.
She was in service, once, but the old master didn’t like to see maids in traaazzzers and she was cruelly cast out on the steps of a lady millionairess who took her in for a while.
Now she survives on the goodwill of strangers who gift her fish and cash, hoping to keep her away from some awful “Cathy come home” fate.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Oh this is so embarrassing, she's put up a photo of her and her good friend Billy Bragg (who doesn't so much as follow her on twitter) 'singing' at Glastonbury.

.

 

[PoorPatrol]

She’s got a kitchenaid!!! For fucking what?! Oh my dayzzzz

I’ve always wanted one but could never justify the cost, and I actually cook. Properly. Regularly. She’s out here pleading poverty from a house that’s too big for her in an expensive location, wearing and Apple Watch, AirPods, and a kitchenaid and an overpriced Emma Bridgewater toaster in the background. I feel like I’m in that old film Gaslight, and Jack is trying to make me lose my mind.