Issues with dads access to child.

[Gossgirl12]

Was just seeking some advice please.
I was with ex partner, the father of my son for 10 years. We broke up coming up to 3 years ago after I left the relationship due to emotional abuse. My son is 9 however is very stubborn and very headstrong. Since the breakup, my sons dad has mostly seen him every weekend, due to my sons schooling and his dad's location, he only sees him on weekdays during the school holidays. His dad doesn't work and I work full time. My ex and myself had an argument in November, and at the time, he messaged my son via his xbox arguing with him and called him an arselicker because my son then told me about this conversation. Since then, my son has refused to go to his dad's. He has not spent time with him since November. I have tried so hard to speak to my son, stating how important it is to have a relationship with both parents, how much his dad loves him and have sat him down and calmly spoken to him about his reasons for not wanting to see his dad. His dad is now blaming me, saying that I'm stopping their relationship, that it's all my fault and our last conversation was ended with him calling me a fat s**g and how I'm a terrible parent. I'm lost as to what to do in this situation. When he was going to his dad's before, all was good, they had a good relationship, my son was happy to go there but now it seems he doesn't care about his dad at all. His dad has threatened suicide on many occasions and hounds me via email telling me of his plans as 'I've taken everything away from him', which then makes me feel guilty but I can't force my child to go there against his wishes.

 

[dax]

My parents separated when I was 13 (different reasons to yours) and for a couple of years, I was ok seeing him but stopped around 16/17ish - I saw the toll everything had taken on my mum and found that hard to deal with. My dad instantly blamed my mum and said it was her stopping me so I get how hard this is for all involved.

Not sure if helpful but is there a mutual party who your son would speak about it with? Then that person can speak to the dad and get it across to him? That maybe it will take a bit of time to rebuild or restart the relationship? And also perhaps it should be on the child’s terms?

I have no doubt that not seeing my dad was painful for him but ultimately, I was the child in the scenario and my feelings should been acknowledged, heard and respected. We haven’t spoken much since then and I’m perfectly ok with it! Wishing you and your son nothing but the best, you’re a great mum

 

[Gossgirl12]

Thank you so much for your reply.
It's a very difficult situation, especially given the manner in which his dad speaks to me. Unfortunately, there's no other mutual party as he doesn't have any family and my family do not get along with him due to events that happened during the relationship. My parents, my sons grandparents have spoken openly and honestly with my son and also explained the importance of being able to have a good relationship with both parents as he's never directly caused my son any harm, but I very much disagree with him being called names by his dad as it can be very damaging. All I want is what is best for my child but trying to communicate with him in a civil manner just doesn't happen because its impossible to even have an adult conversation with his dad. He's very argumentative and is right about everything and everyone else is wrong, typical narcissist. Thank you for sharing your story & I'm glad you're OK with it

 

[littlepup]

His dad is a crue, emotionally abusive and manipulative man. Your son has figured that out and feels bullied, at 9 you’re taught to walk away from a bully. Dad has only got himself to blame. He doesn’t want to hear that though, he’d rather blame you.
That’s seems to be the crux if it.

I don’t think there is anything you can do if Dad won’t accept his role in this. He’s unlikely to have a full personality 180 so even if son speaks to him now, they’ll not have a lasting relationship, you can’t with a man like that, their true colours will eventually show.
If you force son to meet with him to tell his side Dad is still probably going to say son’s been coerced and it’ll be damaging to son to feel he’s been made to do it.
Dad needs to grow up, stop arguing with and calling names to a 9 year old, take responsibility for his actions and their consequences, stop bullying you and your son and if his solution is suicide rather than face up to that, really what can you do? He’s lost you, lost his son and still not taking responsibility.
I would send him an email outlining sons POV and exactly what he’s done. Bullet pointed, unemotional, so he can see it laid out, at least you know then you’ve been as clear as possible.
If you can’t see a problem with “You called a 9 year old boy an arselicker”, there’s no redemption.