Is it foolish to distance myself from all my friends?

[rosieposie87]

So about two months ago I went on a big trip with my friends, across multiple countries. We’ve all been friends for over 10 years. While miraculously no one really fell out, the trip wasn’t much fun regardless.

Since being home it’s been weighing on my mind that I actually don’t like my friends?? All of our conversations are either bitching behind someone’s back, discussing tv shows, celebs, TikTok’s etc or telling those boring ‘remember when’ stories.

I don’t feel intellectually stimulated, energised, comforted or any of those good things I think you’re supposed to feel after talking to/spending time with friends. I also don’t think highly of them either, I find myself thinking hypercritical mean things about them - I hate this bitter person I’ve become.

It feels like my friends are either whiny, pathetic and codependent and expect you to be their caretaker. Or they’re stuck up, think they’re better than you and expect you to be their sidekick and only exist to be their unpaid therapist when they need to sound off. Or if they want to compare lives with you to make themselves feel better.

Idk maybe I’ve watched too many movies but I want friends that I genuinely love and who genuinely love me, where we can build each other up, encourage each other, make each other feel confident and beautiful and excited about life. But maybe I’m projecting my own low self esteem onto my innocent friends and expecting unrealistic things from them?

I feel like my friends are just people I palled around with as kids out of convenience/proximity, but we’re not actually aligned at all. I don’t feel comfortable, confident or like my true self around them. I also feel like over the years they’ve been shady and jealous towards me, and I’ve never had that energy towards them. I feel like they’ve held me back slightly over the years. I’ve wasted energy maintaining friendships with people I low-key can’t stand instead of investing that energy into myself.

But im scared to cut them all out because it’s considered such a ‘green flag’ to maintain friendships for years. And on the flip side -being friendless is considered a red flag. How could I meet someone romantically and explain to them that I have no friends lmao, they’d run a mile. Im worried I could end up making my life so much worse. But at the same time I can’t bring myself to reply to their texts or engage with these girls in any way. My fingers r itching to delete all of their numbers.

I just want peace and to get away from their horrible influence over my life and how I view myself. I want to reshape my entire identity from the ground up and emerge as a totally new person, surrounded by people I’ve actively chosen and who have actively chosen me. I can’t deal with the fake, shady lacklustre friendships anymore. But I’m almost 30 and maybe I won’t make any new friends. Plus no man is an island.

I’d be so grateful for advice and stories if you’ve experienced something similar. Thanks in advance 🥹

 

[Slaybutter]

I joined a book club once with the sole intention of having people who could serve as my reference for future job interviews. Turns out I was wasting my time! I joined a group chat full of strangers who talk nonsense and plan weekend meetups. People are constantly asking for character references

 

[candyland_]

I would distance for now and see how you feel. Work on the things that make you happy and try to move to new friendship groups.

I’ve just ditched some of my friends and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I had a hard time and they were almost manic that I was feeling upset, telling me they had never felt so happy and content and basking in my hurt. I realised that they were only happy when I had no one and they wanted me to rely solely on them, thinking I would cry on their shoulder. This has happened time and time again. They would say negative things to influence me and I felt like they were poisonous towards anyone I ever had in my life so I have given them a silent cut off.

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

Distance. If you're not enjoying their company and feel you've grown apart, stop wasting your time with them.

I've done this with some former friends from uni, I got bored of them and no longer enjoyed their company as I got older and changed. No falling out, just didn't bother initiating contact any more.

You mention being scared of a potential partner knowing you are "friendless", that shouldn't be an issue at all. A partner won't give a damn how many friends you have.

 

[Badirene]

I think expanding your social circle based on your interests first may help. It may sound cutthroat but I wouldn't isolate myself from everyone without a solid backup friendship group in place. I think it's completely natural what you are experiencing too, sometimes we hold onto people just because they have been in our lives for a long time, rather than because it's a mutually fulfilling relationship. Think carefully about the individuals in your current friendship group, are their one or two who set the tone when you are all together and it leads to a negative experience, are any of them a person you could continue a friendship with on a one to one basis. So rather than torpedo the entire group, the way you interact may just change, a bit more distant with space for other friendships to grow.

 

[rosieposie87]

I joined a book club once with the sole intention of having people who could serve as my reference for future job interviews. Turns out I was wasting my time! I joined a group chat full of strangers who talk nonsense and plan weekend meetups. People are constantly asking for character references

Omg I love that haha. And it’s reassuring to know there’s lots of other people out there who are up for forming new friendships. Thanks for sharing

I would distance for now and see how you feel. Work on the things that make you happy and try to move to new friendship groups.

I’ve just ditched some of my friends and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I had a hard time and they were almost manic that I was feeling upset, telling me they had never felt so happy and content and basking in my hurt. I realised that they were only happy when I had no one and they wanted me to rely solely on them, thinking I would cry on their shoulder. This has happened time and time again. They would say negative things to influence me and I felt like they were poisonous towards anyone I ever had in my life so I have given them a silent cut off.

Omg I can so relate with you, one of my friend got so weird with me when I started reconnecting with my cousin. She even admitted she was jealous that I’d have someone else to hang out with and talk to. It’s so scary that people who are meant to be your friends don’t have your best interests at heart

I definitely want to work on cultivating my hobbies and interests and hopefully achieving a similar sense of peace/relief, thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it

Distance. If you're not enjoying their company and feel you've grown apart, stop wasting your time with them.

I've done this with some former friends from uni, I got bored of them and no longer enjoyed their company as I got older and changed. No falling out, just didn't bother initiating contact any more.

You mention being scared of a potential partner knowing you are "friendless", that shouldn't be an issue at all. A partner won't give a damn how many friends you have.

Thank you for this reassurance, I think because I’m not super experienced romantically I really over think the small stuff. And I definitely want to go this route of just not initiating contact and then letting the chips fall where they may, rather than confronting anyone and having a big falling out. Many thanks for this advice!!

I think expanding your social circle based on your interests first may help. It may sound cutthroat but I wouldn't isolate myself from everyone without a solid backup friendship group in place. I think it's completely natural what you are experiencing too, sometimes we hold onto people just because they have been in our lives for a long time, rather than because it's a mutually fulfilling relationship. Think carefully about the individuals in your current friendship group, are their one or two who set the tone when you are all together and it leads to a negative experience, are any of them a person you could continue a friendship with on a one to one basis. So rather than torpedo the entire group, the way you interact may just change, a bit more distant with space for other friendships to grow.

Honestly I was washing the dishes earlier and going through everything in my mind and thought this exact same thing! As selfish as it sounds it’s probably not in my best interests to dramatically cut everyone off immediately. I definitely want to work on de-centring them from my life whilst I build myself up and pursue goals and hobbies. And hopefully will just grow apart from them naturally while developing new more satisfying friendships. Thank you so much for this advice, I really needed to hear this.

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

I remember being with someone when I was about 20 and being scared he would find out I didn't have many friends because he'd think i wasn't cool enough. Seems very silly now when I look back on it. The relationship didn't last long, for other reasons. My current partner knew from the getgo that I had few friends and he didn't care in the slightest .
The older you get, the less and less you care about "what people think of you".

 

[Web30]

Nothing wrong with it at all, i dont talk to any of my old friends any more, still facebook friends but i have no clue whats reqlly going on in thier lives. You grow up and change... i have made new friends at work and the school run and thier people i feel really comfortable around.

 

[Byewiggy]

If you find yourself quite emotionally intuitive and reflective this could definitely be why you find being with the friends you have not stimulating and do not enjoy spending time with them.

Its also difficult if their morals don't line up with yours, it's really hard when you grow up with people and almost feel you have to stay in contact with them, trust me the older you get and the more your own life develops you will slowly drift away from the people you no longer need in your life. If you feel you need to not be around them relatively soon there's nothing wrong with just saying you are working through some things and on yourself to create that initial space.

Good luck, I know its hard finding the people you want to value you and the things you care about.

 

[qqwertyy]

New poster but just to say I’m in exactly the same position and have found it so interesting to read these replies, thank you everyone.

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

I'm pretty selfish with my time and increasingly so. In the sense that I work long hours and find my job mentally challenging hence my free time is relatively scarce/precious, so I see it as a waste of time spending time trying to maintain old friendships where my interests and values no longer line up with the other persons, and I don't enjoy their company and find them a chore to be with. When I have a day off I'd rather spend time maintaining relationships with people I like and enjoy and can relax around (certain friends, my partner, certain family members).

I rejected a hen party weekend invite from someone from uni a few years ago, we were never particularly close and I don't like her company (not a bad person, just never clicked with her). A mutual friend (who I would have been close to many years ago, but now lost touch by my own choice) was going to the party and at the time our relationship was already weakening, no falling out just drifting apart in terms of interests and values. I did wonder am I being asked to this to make up the numbers or to give the other girl a buddy for the weekend, I'm still not sure.

Initially I panicked and thought how am I going to go through with this, how am I going to put on a mask of pretence for this weekend, pretend to be having fun, I can't reject this cos I'll look rude, etc. Then I reflected for a day or two and decided to just reject the invite, with no reason given. I felt much better and empowered for doing it. I never got an invite to anything with them again, but I don't care.

Was I cowardly to reject the invite without a reason though? The brutally honest reason would have been "I have no interest in being friends with you", but I wouldn't say that to someone's face. I could have told a white lie about something else that weekend, but it would probably have been brutally obvious.

I was actually invited to the wedding too but I already had a holiday booked so that was an easy "no".

 

[rainbowlemon]

I honestly think you already know that you’ve outgrown this group. It might be painful, there might be drama but you allow room for others.

I was in a group with 4 others- I always just felt like I was on the outside. I stopped messaging first and I haven’t spoken to one of my old best friends in more then a year and I found out from a mutual friend that she was pregnant. I was the one sending birthday presents through the post but they didn’t (minus one) even remember my birthday.

I get people work, but the conversations with another i hadn’t spoken to in more then 3 months just felt dry and obligatory.

Start with just creating distance.

 

[Slaybutter]

Omg I love that haha. And it’s reassuring to know there’s lots of other people out there who are up for forming new friendships. Thanks for sharing

Oh gosh, yes there are so many people out there trying to make new friends! I have my eye on one group in particular for if I need to fake having lots of girlfriends for a guy. They’re a women only club, open to everybody. They make videos with their members. I like the vibe of all the people and would enjoy their companionship. I’m pretty sure most of them go to the meetups for the same reason I’m considering it

 

[Rosie glow]

I had a really big friend group from school/college but in all honestly I only really keep in touch with one now people change over the years and you kind of have nothing in common and drift away from each other. I have made friends through work over the years but these days I'm really selfish with my time and prefer to do what I want to so. I'm sure future partners won't care how many friends you have after all they want to be with you not them. My husband has more friends than me and I'm fine with that

 

[Lady Macbeth]

Over COVID, I lost touch with three friends. I don't have many anyway so I am feeling like a loser. One of my former friends was so toxic, I am relieved I have no contact with her.. she was a total witch to me. By the way I am 60 ... this tit never changes.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I hate the whole 'it's a green flag to be friends with someone you met as a toddler' thing. Like yeah, if you all grow and develop together, of course that's lovely. But I had a similar situation a few years ago, a group that literally just bitched about each other, when I was younger I obviously didn't mind it or participated or whatever but one day I just felt like as an adult I didn't want friends like this. I met the closest ones to me one on one to see if I could salvage a friendship but when all 3 of them yet again just wanted to witch about the others despite my efforts to change the conversation, that was it for me. I felt like I never knew what they'd be saying behind my back if that's what they were like about the others and I just didn't trust them or want that negativity in my life. Changing and developing is a good thing and if people around you haven't then it's not a red flag to cut them out.

 

[rosieposie87]

I hate the whole 'it's a green flag to be friends with someone you met as a toddler' thing. Like yeah, if you all grow and develop together, of course that's lovely. But I had a similar situation a few years ago, a group that literally just bitched about each other, when I was younger I obviously didn't mind it or participated or whatever but one day I just felt like as an adult I didn't want friends like this. I met the closest ones to me one on one to see if I could salvage a friendship but when all 3 of them yet again just wanted to witch about the others despite my efforts to change the conversation, that was it for me. I felt like I never knew what they'd be saying behind my back if that's what they were like about the others and I just didn't trust them or want that negativity in my life. Changing and developing is a good thing and if people around you haven't then it's not a red flag to cut them out.

Honestly I hate it too at this point. I think that’s part of why I’ve forced myself to maintain these friendships when I should’ve let them go years ago. Like why is it such a positive thing, maybe it just means you’re staying stagnant or too afraid of moving forward. Thanks for sharing this perspective I appreciate it.

 

[Joannabloggs]

So about two months ago I went on a big trip with my friends, across multiple countries. We’ve all been friends for over 10 years. While miraculously no one really fell out, the trip wasn’t much fun regardless.

Since being home it’s been weighing on my mind that I actually don’t like my friends?? All of our conversations are either bitching behind someone’s back, discussing tv shows, celebs, TikTok’s etc or telling those boring ‘remember when’ stories.

I don’t feel intellectually stimulated, energised, comforted or any of those good things I think you’re supposed to feel after talking to/spending time with friends. I also don’t think highly of them either, I find myself thinking hypercritical mean things about them - I hate this bitter person I’ve become.

It feels like my friends are either whiny, pathetic and codependent and expect you to be their caretaker. Or they’re stuck up, think they’re better than you and expect you to be their sidekick and only exist to be their unpaid therapist when they need to sound off. Or if they want to compare lives with you to make themselves feel better.

Idk maybe I’ve watched too many movies but I want friends that I genuinely love and who genuinely love me, where we can build each other up, encourage each other, make each other feel confident and beautiful and excited about life. But maybe I’m projecting my own low self esteem onto my innocent friends and expecting unrealistic things from them?

I feel like my friends are just people I palled around with as kids out of convenience/proximity, but we’re not actually aligned at all. I don’t feel comfortable, confident or like my true self around them. I also feel like over the years they’ve been shady and jealous towards me, and I’ve never had that energy towards them. I feel like they’ve held me back slightly over the years. I’ve wasted energy maintaining friendships with people I low-key can’t stand instead of investing that energy into myself.

But im scared to cut them all out because it’s considered such a ‘green flag’ to maintain friendships for years. And on the flip side -being friendless is considered a red flag. How could I meet someone romantically and explain to them that I have no friends lmao, they’d run a mile. Im worried I could end up making my life so much worse. But at the same time I can’t bring myself to reply to their texts or engage with these girls in any way. My fingers r itching to delete all of their numbers.

I just want peace and to get away from their horrible influence over my life and how I view myself. I want to reshape my entire identity from the ground up and emerge as a totally new person, surrounded by people I’ve actively chosen and who have actively chosen me. I can’t deal with the fake, shady lacklustre friendships anymore. But I’m almost 30 and maybe I won’t make any new friends. Plus no man is an island.

I’d be so grateful for advice and stories if you’ve experienced something similar. Thanks in advance 🥹

I'm 29, and have lost touch with all but one friend from school who lives in another country. In 2020, I dropped out of my friend group of years (7 girls) due to your exact sentiments. At first I thought they thought I was being a freak but then I realised how little I liked them so what did their opinion matter anyway. Months later of me dropping out, I come to find out none of them speak anymore. Now I'm not so bold as to think I was the glue holding the group together, but I do think they realised that they actually had nothing in common once I stated what everybody else was thinking

I've always been very happy in my own company and I think this may have manifested in me not needing and cultivating extensive friendships. Whilst this may be odd to some, I know that everyone I chose to spend time with, even if it's just a handful of people, are people I enjoy and trust implicitly

I think a lot of people hold on to friendships for the sake of the instagram, bridesmaids etc. I'm not on Instagram so feel no need to perpetuate a sociable lifestyle that I don't have. My bf is very sociable and has friends he's know for years and who he speaks to daily. If we get married, I'll have no bridesmaids whereas he could easily have 5 best men. He was around when my friendships disintegrated and commented that I seem much lighter not being around those women. It's better to preserve your sanity and remove people from your life if you feel they aren't adding value, if a potential partner cannot recognise that then they aren't the person for you.

 

[rosieposie87]

I'm 29, and have lost touch with all but one friend from school who lives in another country. In 2020, I dropped out of my friend group of years (7 girls) due to your exact sentiments. At first I thought they thought I was being a freak but then I realised how little I liked them so what did their opinion matter anyway. Months later of me dropping out, I come to find out none of them speak anymore. Now I'm not so bold as to think I was the glue holding the group together, but I do think they realised that they actually had nothing in common once I stated what everybody else was thinking

I've always been very happy in my own company and I think this may have manifested in me not needing and cultivating extensive friendships. Whilst this may be odd to some, I know that everyone I chose to spend time with, even if it's just a handful of people, are people I enjoy and trust implicitly

I think a lot of people hold on to friendships for the sake of the instagram, bridesmaids etc. I'm not on Instagram so feel no need to perpetuate a sociable lifestyle that I don't have. My bf is very sociable and has friends he's know for years and who he speaks to daily. If we get married, I'll have no bridesmaids whereas he could easily have 5 best men. He was around when my friendships disintegrated and commented that I seem much lighter not being around those women. It's better to preserve your sanity and remove people from your life if you feel they aren't adding value, if a potential partner cannot recognise that then they aren't the person for you.

This is really validating and reassuring to read, thank you

 

[shadowcat5]

I did this a few years ago and the situation sounds similar to you. The conversation revolved around their lives and slagging off people we went to school with. A lot of other crappy things happened that I won’t bore you with but ultimately I realised that I actually didn’t want to see them at all, I didn’t like them or enjoy their company and did everything to avoid meeting up with them (I also realised they were bullies dressed as friends). I echo what others have said about a weight being lifted. At the end of the day, people grow apart and life is too short to put up with tit you don’t have to.