Intimacy advice

[BettyCrockerr]

Do not - under any circumstances - allow him to control you by using the threat of suicide to keep you there. It’s coercive control and it’s a form of emotional abuse.

you need to be honest with him and tell him you are done. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him it’s over.

 

[Mrspowell]

I really need some advice, I’ve researched and googled over the months and years and never got anywhere. And I’m at breaking point

I have been with my husband for 12 years since we were 17. I’d had a fair few sexual experiences before him and I was his second experience.

we have 2 small boys 7&4 and have been married 6 years.

2 years ago i reached breaking point and tried to end the marriage as he acted like I just didn’t exist. We didn’t do anything special together. No conversation and very very little sex. Depsite the fact I’d brought up these issues before to avail saying I was leaving gave him a kick up the bum & he changed a lot of habits. He made more effort over all with me.

however, we are now 2 years down the line and all I want is out of this marriage because the chemistry, spark, romance, sex and intimacy is just gone. And couldnt tell you when we last Kisses and I’m not at the point the thought of kissing him is not something I want to do. However he absolutely downright refuses this is the case. He says he is crazy about me that he wants to rip my clothes off, that he’d love to be up too all sorts sexually with me. Ok, but how come you never ever show that? If you really feel that way can you keep those feelings inside and controlled?

in all 12 years he has never sent me a sext, or asked for a cheeky picture, never pushed me against a wall and kissed me, never tried to initiate anything but very plain vanilla sex in bed. And I know other people have these things and I’m just so unhappy in a marriage with no spark. Of course with busy jobs and kids it’s not gonna be like that all the time, but nothing at all? Ever? And I can’t try and fix it because he insists there’s no issue? So I feel like I’m going insane?

I honestly feel like I’m hitting my head on a brick wall and going crazy. Im depressed and lonely. But also concerned that this has now been an issue for so so long potentially most of our marriage that I’ve reached a point where if he did a 360 I wouldn’t want him from him anymore? I don’t know.

there’s even a part of me that has wondered if he could be gay.

the only reason I’m still here is for my kids, he doesn’t have many friends struggled with friendships Altho holds down a big fancy job well, and has said to me he would commit suicide if we ended as his life is nothing without me. But it’s like im his oxygen tank. And it’s sucking the life out of me. I don’t know where to turn he’s a great dad, a kind person and he’s good to me in many ways. But it’s not a marriage.

thank you so much for reading x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

She’s 29/30 and living in a sexless relationship with a guy who is showing zero interest in her - the grass isn’t always greener, but that’s only true if there’s something to work on to start with. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

 

[Warpaint]

This is going to be one of those threads

 

[MrsM19]

The grass isn't always greener...

 

[Mrspowell]

Hi,

It seems as though there seems to be a few things going on so maybe see if you can work your way through different aspects and consider some things to get a clear picture of what’s going on and what you want.

You mentioned that he previously acted as though you didnt exist. You also mention that didn’t do anything together as a couple. So is it just the sexual side of things, or is it the relationship overall?

It’s hard when you get into a rut in a relationship of not being intimate, it continues for so long ya don’t know where/how to begin being intimate. I don’t know if you try with him but if it’s the case and you’ve been brushed off, you can then find yourself putting up walls to prevent being rejected and you stop putting the effort in too and then it can become like a stale mate, you don’t make an effort, he doesn’t, who will make the first move....

I know it may seem like everyone’s out there getting freaky and being adventurous but it’s not true. I was with my ex 8yrs and we never sent sexts or pics. I mean I would’ve and we did other stuff, it just wasn’t something we did in our relationship. In that respect maybe he just hasn’t considered it. Sometimes you need to lead the way.

It’s great that you’re raising your concerns with him, I suppose you need to think about when you choose to do this too. He has a well paid job you say which could be causing him stress, do you pick the right time to talk, or is it raised when you are frustrated/feeling upset or down? This is nothing negative against you it’s just maybe for you to think about making time to properly sit down together and talk about your relationship. I mean if he flat out refuses to talk at any time, what can you do? You’re not ever going to fix things if you can’t communicate.

You mentioned counselling being expensive, there’s often support that can be obtained through work. Is this something that your husband could look into? My work offers free counselling services, he may not even be aware it’s an option but so many companies offer this for wellbeing so it’s worth a look. If you can’t get free sessions I suppose you’ll have to think about this as an investment into your marriage, is it worth investing? do you want to do this?

The other poster is right, it’s not ok for him to tell you he can’t live without you/commit suicide. That puts pressure on you and this should absolutely not be considered in regards to your choice to stay or leave the marriage. You said you don’t think he will, but would you then be staying out of pity?

You have children so obviously you need to consider them, but ultimately they’re happy when you’re happy so you have to put you first.

In regards to you thinking he might be gay... what gives you that impression? Are you thinking this because you don’t think he wants you?

You mention he could be depressed, in that case he could be telling you the truth about wanting to rip your clothes off because he desires you but he’s not ‘well enough’ to do so. I’m saying that loosely hope you understand what I mean but when you’re down the last thing you want is sex, like ya want it cos it’s sex with the person you love but it’s different actually putting your wants into practice when you’re not in the right state of mind. Then loops back into the stale mate situation above.

I know it’s a tough decision and you’ve been through so much together but you have the rest of your life ahead of you and you have a right to be happy and have your needs fulfilled. Can you live without him? Can you be outside of the marriage and be happy? If so, and you know changes won’t/can’t be made you need to leave.

Good luck

Thank you so, so much for this. It’s given me a lot of things to think about. I have no idea if I can live without him, all I’ve known is him. And us. But I do know that I think a lot about my life as a single mum and the thought makes me much happier than the current set up.

his job is stressful, and I don’t probably always pick the best momentS. Has to be when kids are asleep so it’s late, he’s tired and I’m angry and emotional.

sometimes I wonder if he could be gay just because he does nothing to show that he’s a ‘red blooded male’ I’d even be pleased if I saw him check out another women just to know that desire isn’t there!
I know sex isn’t everything in a marriage but it’s that chemistry and spark I want so badly. Doesn’t need to be fireworks every day but something. It’s outside the bedroom too we just struggle to connect, talk, find common ground. There’s no effort on his side at all ever. Even for my birthday he didn’t get me so much as a card. I’m not about big gestures or expensive gifts it’s just about that effort for someone to show they truly care.
I don’t know if he’s depressed or what for sure it seems to come and go but I’ve begged him to do something about it. I think we could get counselling through our jobs I will look into that, thank you. Altho I feel more and more like the ship has sailed. Sometimes I think I’d be a better mum alone, happier, more carefree. Thanks so much for your post x

 

[judgejohndeed]

What really stands out in your posts is that you’ve tried to communicate how you’re feeling and he keeps ignoring you, and isn’t willing to change or improve the situation so that you’re happier. It’s just words to placate you but no action. Depression or no depression (which he may not even have tbh, sounds like he’s manipulating you) thats selfish. All the other stuff aside, the grass is certainly greener when you have a partner who doesn’t care enough about your feelings and your needs to even try to improve your relationship, because having no relationship is always better than being valued that little and treated that poorly. You’re so young and you don’t need to spend the rest of your life feeling like this.

 

[kittypaws]

It sounds to me like he’s just not confident in the bedroom. There’s this awful stereotype that all men are obsessed with sex and if a man doesn’t want it all the time then it’s a huge red flag.

Men can suffer with insecurity and confidence too! It doesn’t mean the relationship needs to end, he might just feel a bit shy and not great at showing emotions.

I would write a list of all the positive things about your marriage and all the things he DOES do for you. Everyone has their own love language and it’s really important to focus on those little things your partner does to show you he loves you, because some men just find it hard to express their feelings.

As for the bedroom, maybe just try and initiate it yourself and see how he reacts.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

She’s spoken to him; told him how she feels, asked & asked and has tried to get to the bottom of it. He won’t budge. Actions speak louder than words. She’s done as much as she can. It’s time to stop flogging a dead horse and get out.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I agree, the grass is not always greener.
The poor guy has lost his sex drive and could be depressed and probably has no idea you’re so unhappy. Who knows what’s going on in his head or what stresses he’s experiencing.
I feel you owe it to your marriage, yourself and your kids to try and work on this. You need help and that’s what relationship counselling is for.
He could see his GP to discuss his sex drive, maybe get his bloods done.
You could be having a mid life crisis too, it could be you’re so fixated on what you haven’t got that you feel dissatisfied and don’t see what you do have. Seeing a therapist even on your own could help clarify your situation.

I mean, OP clearly states that she has brought up with him how unhappy she is and has reached breaking point previously, so I don’t think it’s going to be a shock to him!

I do agree that “the grass isn’t always greener” but it kind of sounds like the husband has checked out of the marriage?

I would suggest counselling as an ultimatum if it was me — eg “I’m not happy and I don’t think you are either. We have no connection, emotionally or physically. I’d like to work on these things to save our marriage but feel like this can only be done with the help of a professional and we both need to be fully on board”.

Good luck OP - it sounds like quite a lonely place to be, especially for such a young couple

 

[dancingqueen5678]

She’s spoken to him; told him how she feels, asked & asked and has tried to get to the bottom of it. He won’t budge. Actions speak louder than words. She’s done as much as she can. It’s time to stop flogging a dead horse and get out.

I agree.

I get that the grass isn't always greener but this isn't about handbags and shoes here. The grass can very well be greener if you're lonely while in a relationship, or if you feel like you're being disrespected or if you're constantly fighting to save something but the other person isn't giving anything.
I am all for fighting for marriages but at what cost? The expense of yourself? If you know something is off but someone is insisting it's fine then what else are you suppose to do? At what point do you admit defeat?

OP I think you need to consider all options and think about what would really make you happy. Make a list of your needs in life and in this relationship. Then make the decision based off that. Realistically there's two options, communicate those needs to him and see how you can both fix it or leave. What you decide might become clearer once you've figured out what it is you really need

 

[Welshgal]

So sorry to hear how you are feeling. You are absolutely not going insane and your feelings are 100% valid!
Have you thought about going to counseling? It seems like he is struggling with some mental health issues as well (mentioning suicide like that is quite concerning tbh), so perhaps getting started separately and then a joint couples session could help?
No point in talking if there‘s still no reaction afterwards I‘m afraid
I applaud you for wanting to stay for your children but in the end this is your life and you need to put yourself first every now and then. Your kids will be fine x

 

[Chan]

Hi,

It seems as though there seems to be a few things going on so maybe see if you can work your way through different aspects and consider some things to get a clear picture of what’s going on and what you want.

You mentioned that he previously acted as though you didnt exist. You also mention that didn’t do anything together as a couple. So is it just the sexual side of things, or is it the relationship overall?

It’s hard when you get into a rut in a relationship of not being intimate, it continues for so long ya don’t know where/how to begin being intimate. I don’t know if you try with him but if it’s the case and you’ve been brushed off, you can then find yourself putting up walls to prevent being rejected and you stop putting the effort in too and then it can become like a stale mate, you don’t make an effort, he doesn’t, who will make the first move....

I know it may seem like everyone’s out there getting freaky and being adventurous but it’s not true. I was with my ex 8yrs and we never sent sexts or pics. I mean I would’ve and we did other stuff, it just wasn’t something we did in our relationship. In that respect maybe he just hasn’t considered it. Sometimes you need to lead the way.

It’s great that you’re raising your concerns with him, I suppose you need to think about when you choose to do this too. He has a well paid job you say which could be causing him stress, do you pick the right time to talk, or is it raised when you are frustrated/feeling upset or down? This is nothing negative against you it’s just maybe for you to think about making time to properly sit down together and talk about your relationship. I mean if he flat out refuses to talk at any time, what can you do? You’re not ever going to fix things if you can’t communicate.

You mentioned counselling being expensive, there’s often support that can be obtained through work. Is this something that your husband could look into? My work offers free counselling services, he may not even be aware it’s an option but so many companies offer this for wellbeing so it’s worth a look. If you can’t get free sessions I suppose you’ll have to think about this as an investment into your marriage, is it worth investing? do you want to do this?

The other poster is right, it’s not ok for him to tell you he can’t live without you/commit suicide. That puts pressure on you and this should absolutely not be considered in regards to your choice to stay or leave the marriage. You said you don’t think he will, but would you then be staying out of pity?

You have children so obviously you need to consider them, but ultimately they’re happy when you’re happy so you have to put you first.

In regards to you thinking he might be gay... what gives you that impression? Are you thinking this because you don’t think he wants you?

You mention he could be depressed, in that case he could be telling you the truth about wanting to rip your clothes off because he desires you but he’s not ‘well enough’ to do so. I’m saying that loosely hope you understand what I mean but when you’re down the last thing you want is sex, like ya want it cos it’s sex with the person you love but it’s different actually putting your wants into practice when you’re not in the right state of mind. Then loops back into the stale mate situation above.

I know it’s a tough decision and you’ve been through so much together but you have the rest of your life ahead of you and you have a right to be happy and have your needs fulfilled. Can you live without him? Can you be outside of the marriage and be happy? If so, and you know changes won’t/can’t be made you need to leave.

Good luck

 

[Mrspowell]

I have asked and asked him to make a GP app, he eventually did but ignored the calls and lied about it. We have talked and talked and talked I’ve tried, pleased, been kind, been angry the whole lot. He says he’s fine happy and wants me fancies me and is happily in love and I’m like because they are words And none of the actions show that. I’ve tried to end the marriage he ignores it and carried on.
But I feel Terribly sad at the thouht of ending my family because as a 4, we are good, good parents, we do nice things etc but as a couple? No. The grass isn’t always greener scares me. But do I want to live my whole life this way?

 

[standupsitdown]

@Betty Crocker He’s said he’s crazy about her, and she said ‘he’s a great dad, a kind person and he’s good to me in many ways’. That’s sounds to me like there’s plenty to work on.

And you said she needs to say she doesn’t love him any more, I may be wrong but I don’t recall her actually saying that.

You sound at your wits end @Mrspowell but you also don’t sound ready to give up on him. If I’m wrong, then you know what you need to do.

 

[mcfeez]

I know you said he doesnt try to initiate anything exciting - does he reject you when you try it?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

What’s that supposed to mean? This is my actual life and I’ve come here for genuine reasons


I have told him it’s over he ignores it and carrys on as normal like all is rosy. Makes me feel like I’m going crazy.


No he won’t reject me if I try it. But that’s happened less and less over the years and now I’m not initiating anything. But if on occasion we do have sex It is always me who initiates

No, you sit down and you tell him.

“I don’t love you anymore, our marriage is over. I want us to separate”


You need to seek legal advice to get your ducks in a row regarding asking him to leave the family home/financial support for the kids etc

You need to put your foot down. tell him today and tell him he’s to sleep in the spare room or elsewhere in the house - just not in your bed.

you are going to have to actually make things happen here to get the ball rolling and end this relationship.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

What’s that supposed to mean? This is my actual life and I’ve come here for genuine reasons


I have told him it’s over he ignores it and carrys on as normal like all is rosy. Makes me feel like I’m going crazy.


No he won’t reject me if I try it. But that’s happened less and less over the years and now I’m not initiating anything. But if on occasion we do have sex It is always me who initiates

Maybe his lack of confidence stops him from initiating it. if he has never rejected you then it would seem his problem is he cant initiate sex rather than doesn't want it

 

[Mrspowell]

This is going to be one of those threads

What’s that supposed to mean? This is my actual life and I’ve come here for genuine reasons

Do not - under any circumstances - allow him to control you by using the threat of suicide to keep you there. It’s coercive control and it’s a form of emotional abuse.

you need to be honest with him and tell him you are done. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him it’s over.

I have told him it’s over he ignores it and carrys on as normal like all is rosy. Makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

I know you said he doesnt try to initiate anything exciting - does he reject you when you try it?

No he won’t reject me if I try it. But that’s happened less and less over the years and now I’m not initiating anything. But if on occasion we do have sex It is always me who initiates

 

[WilmaHun]

I really need some advice, I’ve researched and googled over the months and years and never got anywhere. And I’m at breaking point

I have been with my husband for 12 years since we were 17. I’d had a fair few sexual experiences before him and I was his second experience.

we have 2 small boys 7&4 and have been married 6 years.

2 years ago i reached breaking point and tried to end the marriage as he acted like I just didn’t exist. We didn’t do anything special together. No conversation and very very little sex. Depsite the fact I’d brought up these issues before to avail saying I was leaving gave him a kick up the bum & he changed a lot of habits. He made more effort over all with me.

however, we are now 2 years down the line and all I want is out of this marriage because the chemistry, spark, romance, sex and intimacy is just gone. And couldnt tell you when we last Kisses and I’m not at the point the thought of kissing him is not something I want to do. However he absolutely downright refuses this is the case. He says he is crazy about me that he wants to rip my clothes off, that he’d love to be up too all sorts sexually with me. Ok, but how come you never ever show that? If you really feel that way can you keep those feelings inside and controlled?

in all 12 years he has never sent me a sext, or asked for a cheeky picture, never pushed me against a wall and kissed me, never tried to initiate anything but very plain vanilla sex in bed. And I know other people have these things and I’m just so unhappy in a marriage with no spark. Of course with busy jobs and kids it’s not gonna be like that all the time, but nothing at all? Ever? And I can’t try and fix it because he insists there’s no issue? So I feel like I’m going insane?

I honestly feel like I’m hitting my head on a brick wall and going crazy. Im depressed and lonely. But also concerned that this has now been an issue for so so long potentially most of our marriage that I’ve reached a point where if he did a 360 I wouldn’t want him from him anymore? I don’t know.

there’s even a part of me that has wondered if he could be gay.

the only reason I’m still here is for my kids, he doesn’t have many friends struggled with friendships Altho holds down a big fancy job well, and has said to me he would commit suicide if we ended as his life is nothing without me. But it’s like im his oxygen tank. And it’s sucking the life out of me. I don’t know where to turn he’s a great dad, a kind person and he’s good to me in many ways. But it’s not a marriage.

thank you so much for reading x

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Firstly, he absolutely cannot force you to stay with him by saying those things. That's so much pressure to put on someone and it's not fair. It's not okay. You can't allow him to put you in that position. You already say you feel like it's sucking the life out of you, you can't allow yourself to suffer just in case it hurts somebody else. I know that sounds selfish but you have to take care of yourself as well!

You say you're sticking around for the kids, which is understandable of course, but ultimately children need parents who are happy in their own lives. If you stick around in a situation which isn't making you happy or which you feel like is holding you back as a person then eventually your kids will begin to notice you're not okay. I know separated parents isn't an ideal situation, but sometimes, it's actually better that way as children get to have two happy parents rather than miserable parents.

You could try counselling, you need to talk. Try to understand from his perspective what's going on. Has he got more going on at work than he's letting on? Could he be suffering from some kind of depression? Even if it's none of those things, sometimes two people just grow out of each other and are no longer compatible. It doesn't mean either of you have done anything wrong, it's just unfortunately how things end up sometimes.

I sincerely hope you manage to find some kind of resolution. Please remember to take care of your self and consider your own feelings too though. You can't remain in a situation which makes you unhappy through fear of what it might do to someone else x