Inappropriate touching? (trigger warning)

[BettyCrockerr]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Good for you, glad everything is well with your partner.

 

[bojobingo]

It’s horrible being in that position, lots of women have the go to stance of feeling like they’re blowing things out of proportion, even when quite obviously terrible things have happened to them. Bum patting
is hardly a standard greeting outside of sporting clubs - and even in those situations it’s questionable.

I hate being touched anywhere, it feels so invasive. I have in-laws that are from much more tactile cultures and I’m scared to be around them for fear of the unwanted touch (and this is just arms, standing too close etc).
I hope you find the courage to set your boundaries because I’ve been so terrible at it.

 

[laughing]

Oh it's one off those threads!

 

[Rxt156]

Talking it over is going to be very awkward. I wouldn’t want to do it either as it could being a whole load of issues in the future.

I’d find a way to stand/approach him so that he cannot do it.

 

[Babyyoda88]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

Hmm that’s not good at all. He just needs telling outright then. Your idea is good, calm and firm I don’t like that. I would just nip it in the bud then.
And yeah it would make me question his character too. Is your son likely to be left with him? X

 

[Babyyoda88]

Sorry you’re going through this and being put in this situation. What is the matter with him!! I would find it very awkward to bring up too especially in a way that wouldn’t make the relationship then awkward forever. Could you bring it up in a “jokey” way (not to make light of the situation) but jokey but firm and you mean it. Does that make sense? X

 

[Upintheair83]

So i don't get on with my mother in law, and she bad mouths him anyway since they split years ago, and so I feel like she has a biased view of him. I don't want to add more fuel to a fire that isn't to do with my own family. If that makes sense?
I couldn't talk to my partners step mum as there is a slight language barrier and I don't think i would be able to convey how I feel without offending her. I already feel so sorry for her, as she's recently lost two brothers and she lives in a different country to her family. And so I feel she's a bit isolated and i don't want to cause her more upset in her life, she's too good a soul for that.

I know I should speak out and be direct but I find it very hard without worrying I will cause offence. To turn around when exchanging pleasantries and saying 'please don't touch my bum' would take a lot of confidence from me. But I know it's what I should do. It's just finding it within me to do. If it was a stranger I would easily do it. But a FIL that's very very good to us, and who my partner clearly adores feels like it may cause major upset and offence.
But if I were to say it out loud, would you say it so everyone can hear, or in his ear?
Urgh it makes me shiver thinking of the last couple of times he's done it.
My partner is such a gentleman. He's kind, gentle and respectful. And I know he wouldn't like it. But he worships his dad. I feel like I would be upsetting alot of people. its really getting me down.

 

[Snippysnips]

Honestly I would just say somthing, even just mention to your partner that it's making you uncomfortable, it's better to deal with it sooner rather than later before you end up building it up inside you an then snapping in anger at him one day which could cause it to be a lot worse if you all end up in a massive argument

Are you getting on with your MIL? Does she know? Maybe even talk with her, perhaps she could mention it to him that your uncomfortable when it's just the two of them

It's definitely not wise to let it continue though, the longer it goes on the more he will think it's acceptable

 

[laughing]

Next time he does it, just say,

' I really don't like that, please don't do it again

He probably does not even realise he is doing it.

No need to drag anyine else into it, unless he does not stop at your request.

We are all responsible for our own actions, you need to take control of the situation

 

[Tublet83]

Can you not just move his hand away when he does it? He would get the message then

 

[Kim Mild]

Give the fil a punch on the upper arm and pass it of as being affectionate or a joke , which is probably what he will say he is doing if you call him out

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Has your husband never noticed? In all the times you’ve had this happen, he’s never been stood behind you or close enough to have seen it happen?

Tell him. Just say that you find it inappropriate and it’s making you uncomfortable. Would your husband allow your mother to grab his ass every time she saw him? I think not.

 

[Upintheair83]

( so even though there isn't detailed abuse described here, as that isn't what iv been/ going through. I put trigger warning in the title in case anyone has experienced abuse and that this topic could cause upset. )

Iv been with my partner for 7 years now. Only until I got pregnant during covid did we start getting close to my partners father and step mum.
When we told him we were expecting he was very supportive and we have all grown alot closer.
I can't fault his support and love for his Grandson.
However, he's starting to make me feel very uncomfortable.
Iv noticed he always wants to welcome me with a kiss and a hug, and that's ok, I'm quite tactile but sometimes it seems too much....but the main problem is that he ends in a bum touch/ pat.
I hate it and it makes me feel so awkward and angry. I don't want anyone touching my bum!
But what do I do? My partner adores his dad and is so sensitive. But I'm really starting to get irritated by it. I keep thinking do I move away when he goes to kiss me, or place my hands behind my back on my bum to prevent him touching me?
It just doesn't feel right, it feels off.
But i don't know if I'm over reacting slightly or what to do.
Has anyone experienced this? And what did you do?

 

[Snippysnips]

It's worrying he *expects* hugs an kisses an especially from a in law as well, I was in the position with my gran, she always expected us to kiss an hug her goodbye an I HATED it, I'd refuse outright an she would get angry about it an whenever other family were around she would say in a loud voice "all my grandkids love me apart from one" it ended up turning me into actually hating her an when we were leaving I'd just walk out the door

It's much better to talk with your partner about it, you might find he will be supporting an talk with his dad, it also might be worth mentioning to your partner it's importing that your son grow up knowing he isn't expected to give hugs an kisses if he doesn't want to, the last thing you want is for your son to grow up not wanting to go to his grandfather, as much as I love my own dad an he adores his granddaughter an loves his hugs from her we have still spoke with him an told him never to force hugs if she says no an he understands it so perhaps your partner can have a talk with him an his dad will understand that he cannot cross a line with you or your son

Unfortunately if they expect to watch your son an he's just a baby it will probably be awkward explaining why you have changed your mind, when he gets older it will be easier to say you are just putting him into daycare (if you can) as you want him to interact with other kids an build his social skills

 

[Upintheair83]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to pull your big girls pants on and either tell him direct or tell your partner.

You're a mother now, would you want your son to just say nothing and be inappropriately touched when he's older and not say anything out of fear for offending someone?

Your options are say something or put up and shut up

No I totally agree and that's why I want to say something. I suppose I just don't want to hurt my partner that's all. I know he will be upset if it causes offence and causes disharmony to an already broken family, as there has been alot of upset recently in the family in terms of arguments. As I said, anyone else- my family or a stranger I'd have said it straight away and wouldn't need to seek advice.
But do I say it so all can hear? Or solely to him? As and when he does it?

It could be he probably doesn't realise you don't see it as the joke he probably thinks it is, some guys see those as being funny, even when they really aren't, I had a neighbour that would constantly go round slapping females asses but he wouldn't do it to me cause I let him know EXACTLY how I felt doing that

Just take him aside an mention you don't like it, it can take alot to do but at the end of the day kids mimic what people around them do, how will you feel if you son suddenly starts going up to other adults an slapping them on the butt cause he sees his grandfather do it

That's exactly what I don't want to happen. My son emulate treating women that way. And as the other poster said to not speak up if anyone touched him inappropriately.