Inappropriate touching? (trigger warning)

[Upintheair83]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

The very fact that you say he “expects” a hug or kiss goodbye is ringing all sorts of alarm bells. Even without the touching of the ass. You don’t have to physically touch him - or anyone - to say goodbye. Stop trying to rationalise or excuse what he’s doing and how his actions make you feel. It makes no difference what his involvement is in the church or what your husband thinks of him; the guy is being a creepy old letch and being inappropriate and it has to stop. Tell your husband.

 

[Babyyoda88]

So when he does it, its usually when we are saying goodbye. So for example we are standing in a hallway or utility room about to leave. So everyone is standing round saying their goodbyes or my parnter is going to the car loading up babies things. He does it really slyly. He will always expect a hug and a kiss goodbye and as he does it, he then lowers his arm down so its like he's placing his around my waist and then it lingers on my bum. So no, I don't think anyone sees.
He's a very quiet man very clever and is a church warden. He's very quietly spoken and my partner adores him. So he's not the sort of character I could sort of make a joke about it and banter it off forcefully. My plan is to move his hand away next time and say I don't like that. But do it calmly and firmly. He's quite a dominant partner with his wife. She is foreign and I get the impression she's very subservient and many a time iv felt uncomfortable with things he's said around her or she's told me he's said. If my partner had the same attitude I would run a mile. Thankfully he's nothing like him.
It does leave me questioning his character though. If he can do that, what else does he deem acceptable? Will my son be safe around him? It's making me very uneasy and uncomfortable the more I stop and think about it all.

Hmm that’s not good at all. He just needs telling outright then. Your idea is good, calm and firm I don’t like that. I would just nip it in the bud then.
And yeah it would make me question his character too. Is your son likely to be left with him? X

 

[Upintheair83]

The very fact that you say he “expects” a hug or kiss goodbye is ringing all sorts of alarm bells. Even without the touching of the ass. You don’t have to physically touch him - or anyone - to say goodbye. Stop trying to rationalise or excuse what he’s doing and how his actions make you feel. It makes no difference what his involvement is in the church or what your husband thinks of him; the guy is being a creepy old letch and being inappropriate and it has to stop. Tell your husband.

Oh I'm not making excuses, I just was trying to explain his character/ how he presents. As in if he was a more jokey, down to earth kind of guy I could add a bit of banter off with it, to make it less awkward for those around me. But he presents as very straight lace, you can't really have a joke with him. He comes across as respectful, but obv he isn't as iv come to realise. But obv if anyone hears me say it- ie his wife or my partner. Mouths will drop I'm sure. But in no way am I making excuses.
I came on here to ask for advice, as I felt I couldn't speak to my partner. Not because I don't feel comfortable, but more because I didn't want to hurt him. None of his family really bother with him anymore and they aren't intrested in our son. And so for his dad to be interested I know meant alot to him. But now il have to crash his emotions down again. And while I know it must be done, it's easier said than done. So that was why I just wanted some advice on good ideas to do it/ best way to handle it.
I'm going to firmly but politely move his hand away next time. And if he does it again I will make sure I make more of a scene and I will not feel comfortable seeing him again. And that's that.
In regards to my son being left with him, unfortunately I go back to work soon and part of the plan was for him to have him. And now I don't want that to happen. So in going have to re think it all.
It's really upsetting me, this whole thing.
I do feel really violated actually, even though it doesn't seem much, just resting his hand on my bum. But it is a big deal, and it's what it could lead to that scares me. So I know iv got to make sure he knows I'm not standing for it.

 

[laughing]

Oh it's one off those threads!

 

[Upintheair83]

Oh it's one off those threads!

I don't know what you mean?? But all I wanted was advice.
For the record iv not made any of this up, I'm genuinely upset and wanted advice. It's real life not some made up scenario. And as a new mum with new responsibilities and life situation I didn't know where else to turn.
I'm sorry if iv caused offence to anyone or created 'one of those threads'. But being touched inappropriately is no laughing matter and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this situation and felt uncomfortable
So i shall bow out now of this thread I created, looking for support.
I know what I need to do. Thanks to everyone who responded with care, kindness and sound advice.
I will take it all on board. I just want me and my son yo be safe, and because I love my partner, I just wanted to do it in a tactful manner.

 

[Snippysnips]

It's worrying he *expects* hugs an kisses an especially from a in law as well, I was in the position with my gran, she always expected us to kiss an hug her goodbye an I HATED it, I'd refuse outright an she would get angry about it an whenever other family were around she would say in a loud voice "all my grandkids love me apart from one" it ended up turning me into actually hating her an when we were leaving I'd just walk out the door

It's much better to talk with your partner about it, you might find he will be supporting an talk with his dad, it also might be worth mentioning to your partner it's importing that your son grow up knowing he isn't expected to give hugs an kisses if he doesn't want to, the last thing you want is for your son to grow up not wanting to go to his grandfather, as much as I love my own dad an he adores his granddaughter an loves his hugs from her we have still spoke with him an told him never to force hugs if she says no an he understands it so perhaps your partner can have a talk with him an his dad will understand that he cannot cross a line with you or your son

Unfortunately if they expect to watch your son an he's just a baby it will probably be awkward explaining why you have changed your mind, when he gets older it will be easier to say you are just putting him into daycare (if you can) as you want him to interact with other kids an build his social skills

 

[Tublet83]

If your gut feelings are that there are alarm bells ringing I would act on it, mothers instinct I wouldn’t be leaving your son there

 

[Clickbait]

I wonder if it may be worth mentioning this to your partner first just so he’s not blindsided if and when you raise it with his father. If you preface with something along the lines of “I’m sure he doesn’t mean offence but it makes me uncomfortable” then he won’t feel you’re attacking his dad and will see why you’ve raised it.

Personally I’d love to shame the dirty old man by saying something like “you know when we hug goodbye? Can you stop feeling my bum - it won’t have gone missing from the last time you did it!”

I‘m sure this is done deliberately, a one off could have been a mistake but it’s clearly a habit and something he gets off on. Saying that, I don’t think you can make the leap that your son would be in danger in his presence. Hope you can get it resolved as you must dread going over there!

 

[miamae]

Do not leave your son with him, after all of this I just can't comprehend how you'd even consider it! Tell your partner and more importantly, tell your FIL to back off. You have to confront his actions else he will just continue. If your partner can't see where your coming from then that would ring alarm bells also.

 

[Upintheair83]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Good for you, glad everything is well with your partner.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Well done you! Thanks for the update x

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Just an update. I told my partner about what was happening and he believed me straight away, seems he has previous form of it and my partner has seen him act similarly some years back before I even knew him.
Since posting on here, I also sought advice about the concerns regarding my son that I had. I also was open and told my partner these concerns and said I don't want his dad being around our son alone. Iv implemented a family safety plan, which was what I have been advised to do
Iv been spending my free time educating myself of child abuse and the warning signs. I would urge anyone who has any doubts, like I have, to do the same.
I honestly don't know if my FIL could harm my child, but I'm determined to protect him and continue to educate myself and NEVER leave him alone with him. The people I spoke to said a concern, even a small one, is valid and should be acted on
I urge anyone to do the same
If you are in the UK, I would recommend the Stop it now website. There is great information and help. It's all anonymous and they are vwry supportive.
It was hard to find my voice and tell my partner, I felt I was risking alot in the family, but I'm so glad I did and I can now teach my son as he gets older that he can always speak up to.

Wonderful update.

I am obviously too late but I was going to advise leaning in next time you hug (and he touches you) and whispering to him “You ever touch me like this again and I’ll rip your bleeping throat out.” accompanied with a sweet smile and then a cheery wave goodbye.

Never leave him with you son and if you can anonymously report him to any organisations where he might have unrestricted access to children.

 

[Upintheair83]

Wonderful update.

I am obviously too late but I was going to advise leaning in next time you hug (and he touches you) and whispering to him “You ever touch me like this again and I’ll rip your bleeping throat out.” accompanied with a sweet smile and then a cheery wave goodbye.

Never leave him with you son and if you can anonymously report him to any organisations where he might have unrestricted access to children.

Love this!
Yes the lady I spoke to said i could also request a Sarah's law enquiry on him.