In law situation and birthday

[RDay]

I have had lots of problems over the years with my brother in law.
He really thinks the World revolves around him and I could be here all day with examples of his behaviour.
Brother in law is the eldest of three, my husband in the middle.
His partner literally worships the ground he walks on (I really don't know how someone could love him more than he loves himself.)
I have had virtually no contact with them during lockdown. They have been very resentful that I had been furloughed from my husbands company. Husband has his own business which although he has tried to keep going it has been incredibly hard and I really don't know if we can survive this.

Not only has brother in law not really supported us but he has actually gone out of his way to be nasty.

Next week is a significant birthday and thank the lord with the new 6 situation I don't have to meet up with them or parents in law ( who have been equally non supportive and very demanding of husbands time)
But I know they will get me a present and quite frankly I want to tell the to stick it. But I know my husband will get upset because he likes to keep the peace. So what should I do? I dont want a big falling out with them but just don't want to be around them or accept anything from them. Advice would be welcome please

 

[cosmo girl]

I have had lots of problems over the years with my brother in law.
He really thinks the World revolves around him and I could be here all day with examples of his behaviour.
Brother in law is the eldest of three, my husband in the middle.
His partner literally worships the ground he walks on (I really don't know how someone could love him more than he loves himself.)
I have had virtually no contact with them during lockdown. They have been very resentful that I had been furloughed from my husbands company. Husband has his own business which although he has tried to keep going it has been incredibly hard and I really don't know if we can survive this.

Not only has brother in law not really supported us but he has actually gone out of his way to be nasty.

Next week is a significant birthday and thank the lord with the new 6 situation I don't have to meet up with them or parents in law ( who have been equally non supportive and very demanding of husbands time)
But I know they will get me a present and quite frankly I want to tell the to stick it. But I know my husband will get upset because he likes to keep the peace. So what should I do? I dont want a big falling out with them but just don't want to be around them or accept anything from them. Advice would be welcome please

You have to remember it's his family. I would be very careful not to upset them. Even if your husband is upset with them. Because it could backfire on you. Your husband should be standing up to his family. Or does he? Your BIL sounds like a bully? Is your husband scared of him? Him being the oldest brother. I am really happy I don't have to spend time with my in-laws this Christmas I always drink lots of prosecco and forget I am there when I see them

 

[RDay]

You have to remember it's his family. I would be very careful not to upset them. Even if your husband is upset with them. Because it could backfire on you. Your husband should be standing up to his family. Or does he? Your BIL sounds like a bully? Is your husband scared of him? Him being the oldest brother. I am really happy I don't have to spend time with my in-laws this Christmas I always drink lots of prosecco and forget I am there when I see them

Yes! Both brother in law and father in law are huge bullies. Husband is the gentle kind one. So I should just accept the gift and continue to keep my distance?
To be honest I'm so happy about Christmas too . We have hosted Christmas for 12 every year for the last 15 years!

 

[Maisie842]

My SIL is exactly the same. I've never received a birthday gift from her, but she sometimes sends a card (the most passive aggressive one she can find!) depending on her mood and honestly it goes straight in the bin if she does. I know that sounds harsh, but she's been so nasty to me over the years, for unknown reasons. Genuinely can't work out why she doesn't like me! I met my husband at 15, and she just took an instant disliking to me despite me making so much effort to be friendly. Fast forward 17 years and still no different.

There's been so many family events that I never wanted to attend because of how uncomfortable she would make me, but I always attended and was friendly all the same for my husbands sake and for keeping the peace.

It's really frustrating because I really don't want to be in her company, but at the same time, me cutting her out would affect our whole family dynamic, which otherwise is good.

Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent, but I can totally understand why you don't want to accept anything from him. I would just accept the gift, say the obligatory thanks, and then donate whatever they got you to charity.

Surround yourself with people you love and who love you back on your birthday, and don't give him a second thought. Happy Birthday in advance, and enjoy your day!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

Smile politely then send it to the charity shop.

My MIL once gave me a dressing gown that was a size 20-22.
I'm a size 6-8.

 

[Maisie842]

Smile politely then send it to the charity shop.

My MIL once gave me a dressing gown that was a size 20-22.
I'm a size 6-8.

The petty and inner me would have wanted to throw it back at her and say "I think you wrapped up the wrong one, this is the one you bought for yourself in the 2 for 1 deal"

 

[Unagi]

Why not suggest that they make a donation to a charity instead of buying you a gift. Say that in the current climate you would not feel comfortable accepting a gift but a donation to a charity close to your heart would be a lovely gesture.

 

[Maisie842]

Why not suggest that they make a donation to a charity instead of buying you a gift. Say that in the current climate you would not feel comfortable accepting a gift but a donation to a charity close to your heart would be a lovely gesture.

Great Idea!

 

[Chandler Bing]

Why not suggest that they make a donation to a charity instead of buying you a gift. Say that in the current climate you would not feel comfortable accepting a gift but a donation to a charity close to your heart would be a lovely gesture.

Saying this would let them know that she is expecting a gift though. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. My SIL and BIL just decided one year to stop giving us gifts or cards, never said anything but just stopped. I couldn't be happier, saves me the trouble of going the charity shop twice a year!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

The petty and inner me would have wanted to throw it back at her and say "I think you wrapped up the wrong one, this is the one you bought for yourself in the 2 for 1 deal"

She's about that size herself, so I reckon it was one that someone had given her and she decided to regift it.

The only good thing about lockdown means that I haven't seen any of my in-laws in about 6 months

 

[RDay]

Why not suggest that they make a donation to a charity instead of buying you a gift. Say that in the current climate you would not feel comfortable accepting a gift but a donation to a charity close to your heart would be a lovely gesture.

That's a fantastic idea! Didn't think of that, thank you