I'm miserable

[watermelon sugar]

Just as the title says really...


My 10 month old is not sleeping. He's been like this for 2 weeks now. He fights every nap and every sleep. He just cries and fights us. He'll stay wide awake right until late at night and his routines gone out the window. If we cut his nap or leave him awake earlier on our accord rather than his he'll exhaust himself and fall asleep. If he falls asleep himself he wakes up through the night and screams and cries if we try and get him back asleep. He's just wide awake for houuuuuurs.

Me and my boyfriend are getting on eachothers nerves, the lack of sleep is getting to us both, even though he gets more. He'll get up with the baby then just fall straight back asleep so it'll end up being mean awake for 3 hours watching TV with the baby trying to get him to sleep. When he's fighting his naps during the day, when my boyfriend isn't at work he will walk off frustrated and just leave me to deal with it and go for a cig. While I'm wrestling the baby to sleep.

The house is a tip, my fella doesn't do any of the washing (which I'm behind on) doesn't help with the cleaning. When the baby is asleep he just sits on his phone. I mean I do too but I try and get on top of things while the baby sleeps too!

I'm not near any of my family - we don't have a support bubble. My mum lives too far away and is bubbled with my sister to babysit her 2 kids. My fellas mum is an hole and shes high risk anyway. Plus she's a liability. I have no close by friends, even it I did i cant see them.

I have friends with kids but when I talk to them about my problems they just buzz off how good their babies sleep. Which is good for them, im glad they do, but it's hard when I'm exhausted.

Idk what the point of this was. Just to rant I think
I feel so alone
Ive cried the last 3 days by myself
I feel hopeless. I used to be able to talk to my partner but I don't want to
My mum just tells me 'its a phase' which it probably is but it doesn't help how I feel

I think I just wish i was closer to my family
I feel so down and alone

 

[BettyCrocker]

Can you sit down with your partner and just explain how you feel? Tell him you need him to help- around the house/with the baby. It’s all as much his responsibility as yours and it’s not fair that he does next to nothing. Does he have any idea how you feel??

ETA: baby could be teething. Try some calpol paracetamol to see if that helps him settle.

 

[skvallertant]

I wish I could give you a big hug

 

[watermelon sugar]

Can you sit down with your partner and just explain how you feel? Tell him you need him to help- around the house/with the baby. It’s all as much his responsibility as yours and it’s not fair that he does next to nothing. Does he have any idea how you feel??

I've tried
If I say I'm tired he's 'tired as well' 'well I work' which i know and that's fair enough
He always goes on about "we're a team" until it gets tough and he gets frustrated then goes
I got a bit upset after trying to get the baby to sleep for 40 minutes before when he was clearly exhausted and I walked past him and he just went 'you alright?' And I said not really. He just told me to get a shower
His stance on things seem to be, well it's hard for you, it's hard for me as well

And yeah I did think he could be teething. I've tried the calpol & teething powder but don't wanna give him too much just in case it's not that. According to my wonder weeks app he's in a 'leap' but I've spent so long thinking leaps aren't real so im on the fence with that

 

[Whaaaaat]

I found being a Mum a lot easier when I stopped looking too far into the reasons my baby was acting how he was acting. Yeah he could be teething, he could be going through a leap or a development stage or he could just be being a pain. Either way, it is what it is.

It’s SO hard, and I really feel for you. My son has never been a particularly good sleeper and he still wakes most nights in the night now even though he’s getting towards 2. I hate the smug parents who are like my baby slept through from 6 weeks.. PISS OFF!! Even more so when they’re like “oh my baby has slept through since xyz but the past 2 nights has been waking - help”. Get a grip!!

It sounds like a bit of resentment between you and your partner - him because he’s working so he’s tired from that and you because you’re doing 99% of the childcare and your tired. I’d say that’s pretty normal.

Are you going back to work? I found that helped our family a lot when I returned to work because he could no longer throw work at me and I felt I had more footing to demand help.

I hope you’re ok x

 

[Kim Mild]

@watermelon sugar I could have written most of this myself. I'll come back to this thread when I have more time to comment.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I found being a Mum a lot easier when I stopped looking too far into the reasons my baby was acting how he was acting. Yeah he could be teething, he could be going through a leap or a development stage or he could just be being a pain. Either way, it is what it is.

It’s SO hard, and I really feel for you. My son has never been a particularly good sleeper and he still wakes most nights in the night now even though he’s getting towards 2. I hate the smug parents who are like my baby slept through from 6 weeks.. PISS OFF!! Even more so when they’re like “oh my baby has slept through since xyz but the past 2 nights has been waking - help”. Get a grip!!

It sounds like a bit of resentment between you and your partner - him because he’s working so he’s tired from that and you because you’re doing 99% of the childcare and your tired. I’d say that’s pretty normal.

Are you going back to work? I found that helped our family a lot when I returned to work because he could no longer throw work at me and I felt I had more footing to demand help.

I hope you’re ok x

Yeah I tell myself so many times to stop looking online at what the baby should be doing and why he is acting the way he is. I try to and it goes well then when he's going through a bad phase I always end up googling. I can't help myself, I've always been like that though, a stresshead

He's never been very good. Always has a feed through the night and up early but he used to go back to sleep pretty quick. All of a sudden he's awake for 3 hours. Last night he woke up at 2.30am and was awake til 5am
One of my best friends has a 6 month old and all I hear is 'she's been sleeping through since she was 12 weeks old' just not what I wanna hear!!!

Yeah I am, in March, working from home though. I had a year off. Even though the whole year hasn't felt like maternity leave lol. I think that affects me a lot as well, covid happening and having a new baby and being a ftm

Thank you. I think I've just got to boiling point today x

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I am not a parent, so cannot give you any suitable advice.

All I will say is that I love your posts on here, whether they are funny or sad, and if anything I consider you a friend despite being a "stranger"

I am sure there will be any other people on here, far more qualified than myself, who will give you the support and advice you need. But all I will say is that we're with you every step of the way.

Love & warm wishes to you, your guy and your baby

 

[watermelon sugar]

I am not a parent, so cannot give you any suitable advice.

All I will say is that I love your posts on here, whether they are funny or sad, and if anything I consider you a friend despite being a "stranger"

I am sure there will be any other people on here, far more qualified than myself, who will give you the support and advice you need. But all I will say is that we're with you every step of the way.

Love & warm wishes to you, your guy and your baby

Awww that made me well up that's so sweet to read

I always look out for your posts and I very much consider you a friend too!

I think I'm just extra emotional/pissed off today and needed the rant!!

Thank you
P.s I know things aren't great for you either, I hope things pick up soon too!!

 

[Kim Mild]

My baby is almost 1, and still breastfeeding, especially to sleep. They are up for about 3 hours in the night and scream when I put them back in the cot. I'm so tired and my posture suffers too.
They probably are going through a developmental leap but I wonder if we disturb them. Could your baby go in their own room ?

I also think lockdown doesn't help. The routine we have ended up in isn't productive and I think baby and 3 year old probably need more stimulation (as they are often up til 9PM or later). I feel a bit trapped in the house because I don't sometimes leave for days on end.

I would suggest getting a bit me time , leave baby with your partner and get out for a walk or drive to the shop or something. Time out from the situation might refresh you.

 

[bla bla bla]

10-12 months is a rough time. Your baby is probably learning loads, babbling, possibly trying to walk etc.

My first was terrible. He woke up 3 times a night and was up for the day at 5am. Then before his 1st birthday he started sleeping through the night.

Try not to cut out naps but expect that they might not be as long. Can you take him out a walk to get him to sleep? I find that it saves the battles.

It’s such a cliche but it is a phase and he will come out of it.

Most people say leave the chores but I’d say do what you can. A messy house can be quite triggering. Have a gentle word with your other half and try and get him to do what he can. Loading the washing machine or dish washer? Making you both a meal?

Now if I only had some pearls of wisdom to get my own baby to sleep....

 

[Misbehaving]

10-12 months is a rough time. Your baby is probably learning loads, babbling, possibly trying to walk etc.

My first was terrible. He woke up 3 times a night and was up for the day at 5am. Then before his 1st birthday he started sleeping through the night.

Try not to cut out naps but expect that they might not be as long. Can you take him out a walk to get him to sleep? I find that it saves the battles.

It’s such a cliche but it is a phase and he will come out of it.

Most people say leave the chores but I’d say do what you can. A messy house can be quite triggering. Have a gentle word with your other half and try and get him to do what he can. Loading the washing machine or dish washer? Making you both a meal?

Now if I only had some pearls of wisdom to get my own baby to sleep....

Yes i second that your baby will pass this it takes time and a lot of patience but things will settle down eventually.
Men are not always very understanding are they? I think because babies naturally bond more with the mother (after all they did spend 9 months inside us!) there can be a tendancy to assume that mothers know best (which they usually do but thats not always the right response!) and an attitude of oh i'll just leave her to get on with things?
Thats what i found ?
It sounds like its the practical things that he could help with though yes he works but looking after a baby is also a full time job especially if you are on your own.
You need a break i think so you definitely need to sit him down and tell him so in no uncertain terms.
I was in a similar situation about two years ago but didn't say anything just kept going putting on a brave face but looking back on it actually i was not well and had pretty bad pnd.
I'm not saying that is what you have but in all honesty if you feel vulnerable or irritable high strung or easily angered or upset or are having bouts of crying then maybe consider talking to a health visitor or your gp.
I wish i had my daughter is 3 now and sometimes i still feel depressed and sometimes she still doesn't sleep very well!!
It seems to come in fits and spurts sometimes she will go for weeks sleeping through the night at other times she is restless and wakes frequently?
So i know you feel like and lockdown and isolation are a really pain aren't they?
I have not seen my mother in one year and we both live in london!
To be honest though even when she did come she was not very helpful and my husbands mother died when he was five so i'm all alone as well with no back up.
It puts pressure on a relationship i get that men just seem to hone in on the fun bits (playing with kids?l and leave the more mundane things to mum?
Can your partner take the baby out for a walk in his buggy?
I used to find this a godsend?
One hour to yourself (at least) i think you really need that?
Make regular routines for yourself to get some breathing space even if its just a walk around the block to get some air?
You need space to think and breathe and to just be you?
Don't beat yourself up about your baby not sleeping much stick to a routine as much as you can and i found my health visitor to be helpful in putting my mind at ease.
Get advise from here from anywhere even from the dreaded child rearing manuals!
Hey some are better than others but most contain a sleep section?
If your a first time mum though sometimes its just trail and error and patience and observation untill it clicks into place.
Good luck with everything there will be good days and bad days but make sure that you get your needs met because that is just as important as the baby getting what he needs.
I wish you well.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I think there’s sleep regression about this time, you can find the stages they might regress online and my son was pretty on point with them!

It’s such a tough time and it must be so much harder during lockdown. It will pass and it will get better.

I’m in a local Mum’s group on Facebook and it’s quite good although with everything else it can be a bit eye-rolly too!

I’ve found that being a mum is the hardest “job” I’ve ever had so please don’t be hard on yourself. Sending you lots of love

 

[Mulholland Drive]

If I could PM you I would, but it seems that I can't. But I'm sure you will get through this - you're a strong young woman overwhelmed by being a new mum and having to come to terms with this dreadful pandemic and constant lockdowns.

If you can afford it, I think you need some "me time". You need to pamper yourself, and I would personally recommend an Indian Head Massage, and perhaps some reflexology , or just a simple body massage, just to cleanse your mind and body of the various tensions going on inside you.


(I'll gladly volunteer with the body massage, )

 

[under the ivy]

I want to echo what @Mulholland Drive said, I like to think of you as a Tattle friend Although I don't have any advice, I'm sure you're doing a great job considering all of the circumstances x

 

[CherryBakewell]

I wish I could have some words of advice for you but all I can say is I’m in the same boat. My son just refuses to nap and gets so overtired and grumpy and it’s so hard. He sleeps okay at night but is still up at least three times in the night. It’s tit. I tried to dm you but I can’t but please feel free to send me a message if you need to talk or vent

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Hi lovely, I couldn’t read and run as I see your posts quite a lot. So sorry to hear you are feeling miserable, I feel like general lack of sleep is 100% making everything seem much worse than it is as it definitely seems you are a happy go lucky type most of the time.

I was in the same boat with my 11 month old, in fact he has never slept a full night in his whole life and still hasn’t due to having had (key word being had there before anyone jumps on me for what I’m going to say next ) severe reflux BUT this week I said enough is enough because my partner and I were starting to really feel it (understatement) where he was waking up hourly/sometimes half hourly and having a midnight party between 12-2am and he was suffering too. I’ve never been a fan of sleep training but after chats with his paediatrician etc we felt we had no other option. It was very gentle though and seems to have worked (at least it did last night). We found 2.5-3 hours nap total in the day, exact same bed time routine every night (bath book bed, you know the drill #mumsnet), a big feed then when he woke up we left him a few minutes to try and settle himself then from there after we gave him a 5 minute cuddle and then left him for 5 minutes to have a cry/party/chat/self settle with the occasional stroking his face/singing etc but in his cot and then we’d repeat as needed. The first time it took an entire hour, the second it took 10 minutes then last night he slept for 9 WHOLE hours by himself - this has never happened ever. I felt awful but knew he knew I was coming back after 4/5 minutes and when he woke up in the morning he was happy as Larry. We’ve genuinely not slept like that for a whole year! It could just be a fluke but maybe something you could try? Obviously when he wakes up keep the room completely dark, reassure him etc but don’t take him out of his room and maybe try some white noise if that works. Please make sure he’s not teething though or poorly. Also leaps are 100% a thing, I can almost guarantee to the day our kids will be nutcases. I do agree though that you will be more chilled when you stop over analysing everything your little one does, they’re babies at the end of the day and if your son is anything like mine then sometimes they are just strong willed AF it’s so hard with your first though (assuming he is your first!) Sorry if this sounds preachy or patronising as I really don’t want it to come across as such but I can really really relate to you, our lack of sleep was driving us bloody bonkers and causing a huge rift in our relationship.

Would your partner be understanding if you just chatted to him about the current house/life/sleep situation? Could he take a night where he focuses completely on being up with the baby? Or could he give you a few hours to yourself either for a walk or a big ass nap? I hope he would be, I feel like you’re a take no tit kind of person so just have a civil chat about it all with him I’m sure he’ll be understanding about the overwhelm. Don’t let it spiral. So sorry lovely, sending you big hugs xxx

 

[BettyCrocker]

Yeah I tell myself so many times to stop looking online at what the baby should be doing and why he is acting the way he is. I try to and it goes well then when he's going through a bad phase I always end up googling. I can't help myself, I've always been like that though, a stresshead

He's never been very good. Always has a feed through the night and up early but he used to go back to sleep pretty quick. All of a sudden he's awake for 3 hours. Last night he woke up at 2.30am and was awake til 5am
One of my best friends has a 6 month old and all I hear is 'she's been sleeping through since she was 12 weeks old' just not what I wanna hear!!!

Yeah I am, in March, working from home though. I had a year off. Even though the whole year hasn't felt like maternity leave lol. I think that affects me a lot as well, covid happening and having a new baby and being a ftm

Thank you. I think I've just got to boiling point today x

try taking the little one out for a walk during the day - even if he falls asleep, just get him out in the daylight and the fresh air for a good hour. The daylight will help set him up for daytime/nighttime. Keep him stimulated through the day - I know it’s not easy but if you can keep his mind active during the day you’ll probably find he will sleep better for you at night. Do you have a bedtime routine? We always stuck to the same time for bath, milk and then bedtime - do the milk in the darker room and keep it all very quiet & chilled. And once he’s settled then take yourself off for a bath and an early night, the housework can wait.

I think you & your partner need to sit down and really talk. If he says that he’s tired too then yeah, fair enough- it’s bloody hard working and having a family but the two of you are in it together and need to support each other. You are knackered from looking after the baby but he still expects you to do all the household chores while he sits on his phone? When do you ever get a break? Put it to him like that.

 

[Raininvain]

I'd say to your partner either he steps up or leaves basically. Its miles harder looking after a baby all day than going to work especially when they are screaming and carrying on all the time. He needs to be doing at least half of all the chores etc.
You might as well be a single parent as it is at the moment. Its not on.

 

[Gimmethegossipgirl]

Aw I feel for you it’s so hard sometimes from the lack of sleep - I wish I could give you some amazing advice bout sadly my 3 year old is still a terrible sleeper and so usually ends up in our bed

my husband and I used to have similar arguments when our little one was a baby. He’d be tired from work and tired from not sleep and didn’t realise that it’s hard work for me too.

Luckily after about “109 discussions” we came to some compromises. He started doing the bath time routine which he found he enjoyed and although he wasn’t much help for nap time (she’s always fought sleep) he did make dinner most nights.

We still lock horns sometimes now especially as we both work full time especially when we’re tired, work is hectic (both keyworkers) child is whinging/throwing a tantrum but do our best to try and work through it.

try talking to your partner again if you can and see if he can at least help with something as your self care is important. I hate this quote but it’s tru that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”

sorry for essay! Xx