If found out your partner was dirty talking other women via text

[Foolmeonce]

I don’t believe him at all when he says that. He says he won’t act on it but I think that’s only because I found out.

It’s not like they’re all strangers either, one of them was an old coworker who comes into his workplace occasionally. When they see each other next, they can hardly avoid the fact they’ve been talking in that way.

One of them? I'm sorry, I think it's time for you to finish it. You deserve better than that.

 

[KateESJ]

OH wow I forgot I posted this.
We split up. I fought with him for almost 2 weeks about getting therapy but he still refused and was putting no effort into making it better even when I explained how hurt I was, so we separated. Good riddance really as he's turned into even more of an ass-wipe since we split Has only seen his kids a handful of times because he's 'too busy'. It's DD's birthday today and he's not called or even messaged yet. I messaged him to ask if he had a gift or anything, but no reply.

Was difficult at first but he's made the split easier by acting the way he has. I've began to realise I didn't know him at all to begin with.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Dump his ass.
I’m not gonna dress it up, he’s disrespected you.
There are far too many “what if’s” here if you hadn’t found out.

You deserve better.

 

[Foolmeonce]

Hi @KateESJ .If there is no intention to act, then why is he doing it?

 

[KateESJ]

I think it would depend on how long I had been with my partner, if we were married, had kids. If it had been a one off thing, recent or been going on for months. Had he sent pics? When was he doing it? If it was when I was next to him on the sofa or he was at home and I was in the bath I would find that harder than if he was doing it whilst bored at work.

I do think you need to sit down and talk openly about why he felt it was okay to do it. How it came up that he was able to do it with an ex co worker, ie how the hell did that happen? Who are the other women, where did he get their numbers? And if he had "no internt to act" what did he think would be the final outcome? Has he made suggestive "I would love to rip your clothes off you" type things?

Got to admit that I would find it all very hard to forgive I know others would say it would depend.

From experience you never know the full story though. You'll get the version they think they can get away with, ie the least amount of truth.

He sent a few pictures. I’ve read most of the messages (at least the ones he hasn’t deleted) and they aren’t even suggestive - they’re quite explicit. He’s never spoken to me that way. From what I can tell it’s been a few months that he’s been doing it. I think the earliest message I found was Mid August.

He says he was frustrated. I have a limited sex drive, what little drive I had was killed years ago through shitty mental health and the meds I’m on. I thought his needs were still being met though, but obviously not...

There’s definitely emotion involved though because he opened up to some of these women more than he has to me. He spoke about the abortion I had months ago and our sons death with them, which makes me a little uncomfortable.

It’s just so hard because the major part of me wants to kick him out because I know I can never fully forgive him and I’ll always be paranoid, even if he really does never do it again.

But the small part of me wants to hold onto our marriage because we’ve been through so much together and he’s the only person who really understands how it feels. I don’t have anyone else. If I let him go, I’ll be alone.

 

[JulieScoobyDoo]

I think it would depend on how long I had been with my partner, if we were married, had kids. If it had been a one off thing, recent or been going on for months. Had he sent pics? When was he doing it? If it was when I was next to him on the sofa or he was at home and I was in the bath I would find that harder than if he was doing it whilst bored at work.

I do think you need to sit down and talk openly about why he felt it was okay to do it. How it came up that he was able to do it with an ex co worker, ie how the hell did that happen? Who are the other women, where did he get their numbers? And if he had "no internt to act" what did he think would be the final outcome? Has he made suggestive "I would love to rip your clothes off you" type things?

Got to admit that I would find it all very hard to forgive I know others would say it would depend.

From experience you never know the full story though. You'll get the version they think they can get away with, ie the least amount of truth.

 

[black ripped skinnies]

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Nobody can tell you what to do, nobody really knows until they're in that position themselves!
Saying that, in my experience that is just the first step to test the waters and see if they can get away with it. They always beg forgiveness and say they got carried away and it would never lead to anything... But later down the line whether weeks, months or years, it escalates in to something else.

I'm a firm believer in knowing your worth and not taking shit from anyone! Xx

 

[Mumtum]

Not advice but....In the nicest possible way he should be on his hands and knees begging you back, you sound like you deserve so much more.

 

[Sinkingship]

This happened to me and I forgave it after a lot of upset. Two years more went by and then I found out it had continued but just hidden better. Loads of random women. No real reason or apparently intentions to follow through on any of it.
we got divorced and I just wished I’d saved myself having to go through it all twice and had left the first time.
Good luck with whatever path you take but a question I guess is- if he’s not willing to bend over backwards to make it right then what chances do you give him for sticking to it once you forgive?
Don’t cause yourself years of insecurity and self doubt if you’re not sure of the answer...

 

[KateESJ]

Hi @KateESJ .If there is no intention to act, then why is he doing it?

I don’t believe him at all when he says that. He says he won’t act on it but I think that’s only because I found out.

It’s not like they’re all strangers either, one of them was an old coworker who comes into his workplace occasionally. When they see each other next, they can hardly avoid the fact they’ve been talking in that way.

 

[KateESJ]

We spoke a bit more today and he’s refusing therapy.

I said I feel like I can’t stay with him unless I know he’s serious about making it work and therapy is a major way we can do that. I said he needs something, whether it’s couples or individual therapy. Anyone who has been through what we’ve been through needs something and he’s had nothing. But he’s standing his ground and says it will be a waste of time. Obviously the fact it could save our relationship isn’t enough for him. I don’t know what’s gotten into him but his heart clearly isn’t in it anymore. I need to do some serious thinking now.

 

[Orange Creme]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I dont think there's ever a black and white answer unfortunately

I'm not sure how I'd react in your situation but I do know that I couldn't forgive someone who isnt sorry xx

 

[toffeejelly]

Sounds like you definitely made the right decision. I think everyone wants someone who is willing to fight for them and if they don't, then as far as I'm concerned they don't deserve us.

My ex finished with me 3 weeks ago by text, even though I moved in with him 2 months prior to that. Not much explanation, nothing. It's been so tough but I'm starting to realise that I'm better off without him.

 

[KateESJ]

I really feel for you, it's a horrible thing to discover and deal with. Might it be worth getting some professional marriage counselling if part of you does want to save the marriage? It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues that maybe he hasn't dealt with.

Big hugs for whatever you decide xx

thank you
I’m going to talk to him and see if he’ll consider therapy. I’m in therapy already and he’s always rejected it as he’s ‘not crazy’ (his words). But if he’s serious about trying to make it work then maybe he’ll reconsider now.

 

[Lars Guinard]

Sorry you are going through this and it is a rubbish situation that you won’t feel you are getting the full answers to.
The reality is once the trust has gone,it is difficult and brings it back up each time you see your partner’s phone unattended or he gets a message from someone new, this coworker visits the office, he gets back from work later than usual...it’s horrid thinking of that but I have found it is never as easy as simply forgiving and moving on.
Do you believe your partner? Is this a one off?
If it was just you and him, without having to consider children/family/house/finances...what would you say to him?

You don’t deserve this and I hope you are in a situation to put yourself and your children first.

 

[Sabbie]

I didn't know the little background to your story, but after you shared a bit I thought he at least deserved a chance to step up as he could be acting out because of the stress. But he won't step up and do this for himself and your relationship? That must have been hard to hear. He IS crazy. Crazy to throw away everything because he's too stubborn and doesn't think your relationship is worth saving. So you're supposed to just suck it up and trust him again? What an asshole. Sorry.

What can YOU do for yourself now? I am glad you are in therapy. It will help you get through this whatever the outcome. Remember you're a better person than him and always will be.

 

[Mercedes12]

We spoke a bit more today and he’s refusing therapy.

I said I feel like I can’t stay with him unless I know he’s serious about making it work and therapy is a major way we can do that. I said he needs something, whether it’s couples or individual therapy. Anyone who has been through what we’ve been through needs something and he’s had nothing. But he’s standing his ground and says it will be a waste of time. Obviously the fact it could save our relationship isn’t enough for him. I don’t know what’s gotten into him but his heart clearly isn’t in it anymore. I need to do some serious thinking now.

Sorry, I didn't see this post. The fact he is refusing to attend therapy speaks volumes - he clearly doesn't think there is anything he needs to work on and he doesn't need any help. If he felt remorse for his actions and wanted to try and repair the relationship, he should be willing to try anything to take a step in the right direction. (as he is the one who has betrayed you).

I would encourage you to speak to someone yourself as this would be hugely beneficial. Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[Practically Perfect]

for your own mental health i would suggest leaving him

Your heart will flip everytime his phone beeps, rings and is locked and he will probably start telling you that you are a mad, paranoid bitch and it will all be YOUR fault.

Can you tell I have been where you are? Its hard but he is a dick and will continue to hurt you and before you know it, it will be years down the line and most of your life will have been wasted. He doesnt deserve you or your children, he lost the right the minute he hit reply. Plus he knows her and it isnt just some random. He is a utter bollockwagon and i wanna kick his head in for you

 

[Sp20191]

He sent a few pictures. I’ve read most of the messages (at least the ones he hasn’t deleted) and they aren’t even suggestive - they’re quite explicit. He’s never spoken to me that way. From what I can tell it’s been a few months that he’s been doing it. I think the earliest message I found was Mid August.

He says he was frustrated. I have a limited sex drive, what little drive I had was killed years ago through shitty mental health and the meds I’m on. I thought his needs were still being met though, but obviously not...

There’s definitely emotion involved though because he opened up to some of these women more than he has to me. He spoke about the abortion I had months ago and our sons death with them, which makes me a little uncomfortable.

It’s just so hard because the major part of me wants to kick him out because I know I can never fully forgive him and I’ll always be paranoid, even if he really does never do it again.

But the small part of me wants to hold onto our marriage because we’ve been through so much together and he’s the only person who really understands how it feels. I don’t have anyone else. If I let him go, I’ll be alone.

If I feel frustrated I speak to the person about it....I don’t use it as an excuse to text someone else, whether he intended to go through with it or not.

I couldn’t trust him again after that, every time the phone went or he worked late my mind would wonder what he was doing!

 

[Lolly505]

OH wow I forgot I posted this.
We split up. I fought with him for almost 2 weeks about getting therapy but he still refused and was putting no effort into making it better even when I explained how hurt I was, so we separated. Good riddance really as he's turned into even more of an ass-wipe since we split Has only seen his kids a handful of times because he's 'too busy'. It's DD's birthday today and he's not called or even messaged yet. I messaged him to ask if he had a gift or anything, but no reply.

Was difficult at first but he's made the split easier by acting the way he has. I've began to realise I didn't know him at all to begin with.

I know that can't have been any easy choice to make but it sounds like it was the right one.
Hope your daughter had a lovely birthday, even with everything that's going on