How to avoid upsetting the MIL

[Pagger]

So my MIL is a hairdresser.. has been for over 40 years. But somehow shes just not a very good one

Shes been cutting my hair for years and I just hate the way she does it. I once asked her to balayage my hair and what she did was most certainly not balayage, it was truly awful.

I've found a hairdressers I'd love to go to, but how do I get around doing this by not upsetting her? I've thought about saying it's to help a friend who is training.. but that wont get around me starting to go to the new hairdressers every time..

I dont have very much self confidence and I really believe this is partially caused by me hating the way she does my hair so much. It just hangs by my face and has no shape.

What can I do

 

[Lollipop2123]

So my MIL is a hairdresser.. has been for over 40 years. But somehow shes just not a very good one

Shes been cutting my hair for years and I just hate the way she does it. I once asked her to balayage my hair and what she did was most certainly not balayage, it was truly awful.

I've found a hairdressers I'd love to go to, but how do I get around doing this by not upsetting her? I've thought about saying it's to help a friend who is training.. but that wont get around me starting to go to the new hairdressers every time..

I dont have very much self confidence and I really believe this is partially caused by me hating the way she does my hair so much. It just hangs by my face and has no shape.

What can I do

Oh god that's a tricky one. But that said, it's your hair and hair is a huge thing to most people, so if you arent happy then go to someone who will give you what you want. Your hair is a huge part of who you are. I'd go and have your hair done and deal with the potential fallout later. Or could you say that you fancied something completely different? Or could your partner help gently explain you wanted a change/something more modern?

 

[Olive16]

Could you just say you received a voucher from a friend/family and didn't want it going too waste... Tricky Situation to be in, hopefully you manage to figure something out!

 

[Prodcon21]

I presume you don’t pay mother in law? Maybe say you received a voucher from a friend. That you went and the girls were so lovely but had really been hit by Covid, and you’d like to go a few more times to help a local business out while they’re struggling?

Has hubby got any advice? He obviously knows her better than anyone!

 

[TruffleTrifle]

How often do you see her? I’d go for it, don’t tell her and if she says anything say you wanted to give something else a try, or if you feel more comfortable use one of the reasons the others have suggested.

 

[Lulu Goss]

I’d say a friend bought you a gift voucher!

 

[AmberSpyglass]

Don’t lie , you’ll never be able to keep that front up.

Tell her it’s time for a change and that she’s used to doing your hair and you need fresh eyes on it.

If she gets the hump, so what ?

You shouldn’t have to keep up something to ensure other people’s happiness , put your happiness first and tolerate her bad mood if she has a strop.

 

[no-no]

Don’t lie , you’ll never be able to keep that front up.

Tell her it’s time for a change and that she’s used to doing your hair and you need fresh eyes on it.

If she gets the hump, so what ?

You shouldn’t have to keep up something to ensure other people’s happiness , put your happiness first and tolerate her bad mood if she has a strop.

I’d go with this as opposed to sparing her feelings with a lie. Just go to the hairdresser you want. Are you getting a completely new colour/style? Easy if so as you can say they’re a specialist in the technique and you want to go to them. Hairdressers can’t just do balayage etc. without the training, they’re forever having to update their techniques and it sounds like MIL hasn’t Bless you for going through with it for years, you deserve a mane you’re happy with now, though! I’d rather deal with an unreasonable MIL for a while than crap hair.

 

[Upintheair83]

What’s your relationship with like with your mil? Are you close? Do you think that she would be offended if you went anywhere else?
I think if it was me (and I myself have low self confidence about my hair/ appearance) I would sit her down and explain you feel abit low about your looks etc. And tell her you have booked in to a hairdressers because you want to try something new and see if someone else can envision with you a different cut/ colour/ style. Say you really need a change and just want a total break from your normal style and want someone else’s advice etc.
I think you could always take her a bunch of flowers round and say thanks for all of the time she’s spent on your hair up until now. That it’s nothing personal but it’s about how you feel about yourself and you need abit of tlc. You could also book in for your nails and have something different and make a point of telling her you are just trying out new styles to pamper yourself and feel fresh again.
She’s been a hairdresser for so long I’m sure she’s used to people coming and going, seeing people she liked who went else where. I think maybe hairdressers have to develop a thick skin.
Please don’t worry, it’s your hair and you should do whatever you want with it. You’ve been so sweet to allow her to do it for so long. You can’t keep doing it to make her feel happy. If she’s funny with you I’m sure she would get over it, but you sound so lovely that I can’t imagine she would be.
I do think honesty is best here because she can never accuse you of going behind her back then.
Just go for it and enjoy your new look! I really hope you get some more self confidence. It’s crippling I know at times. But I’m sure you are a beaut! Enjoy hun and good luck xx

 

[emmer_moans]

It's a tough one, because you don't want to hurt feelings but also their feelings shouldn't mean you are forced never to have your hair cut by anyone else for the rest of your life. Better to break the expectation sooner than let it go on for longer. You could ease her in with the voucher idea, or, say you had a moment of impulse and booked in an appointment for a change, as a spur of the moment thing. That way, you've already had your hair done and then you have time to think of a nice way to let her know you won't require her services.

 

[Keikochan]

Maybe just go get your hair done and don't mention it. TBH you shouldn't have to explain anything and maybe she won't bring it up. If she asks "Oh when do you want me to do your hair next?", just be vague and say "yeah i don't really need it at mo".
If she says anything like "you got her hair done by someone else" or something like that, just say "yeah on a whim spur of moment decided to get it done".
Your hair is so important to self confidence unfortunately. Sounds like you have been taking one for the team for a very long time but seriously you need to put yourself first.
Do you see her super often enough for her to definitely notice?

 

[Rlaw1978]

Sorry to high jack this thread but since it’s about MIL’s , id like to ask for some advice.
My MIL is challenging at the best of times , I understand how she came to be this way- life, health problems etc. But just don’t know what the best way to deal with her is- for my own sanity.
For example this morning she phones up saying all my daughters sen is down to her going to nursery too young- she was 3 and in my opinion needed the additional support and intervention- not too young at all. I let this go because it’s an old argument and no good comes of it. She then tells me my daughter went to two nurseries , one she liked and one she hated. I was a bit taken off guard because my daughter has only ever been to one nursery. I told MIL this & she told me I was deliberately trying to make her look “demented” and was lying. She then hung up. Half an hour later I spoke to her and it was obvious she had been crying. I asked her if she was alright and apologised if I’d upset her. She said she was never talking about the past again and went off in a huff.
Now how do I deal with this kind of behaviour, I hate confrontation and genuinely wouldn’t want to upset anyone. But I can’t be expected to just agree and go along with whatever she says. I try not to challenge her on a lot of the things she says - she has pretty bad views about race & disabilities etc. I feel like I have to defend myself all the time & apologise , just for facts being facts- my daughter honestly only went to one nursery or not agreeing with her point of view.

 

[Facehugger]

Sorry to high jack this thread but since it’s about MIL’s , id like to ask for some advice.
My MIL is challenging at the best of times , I understand how she came to be this way- life, health problems etc. But just don’t know what the best way to deal with her is- for my own sanity.
For example this morning she phones up saying all my daughters sen is down to her going to nursery too young- she was 3 and in my opinion needed the additional support and intervention- not too young at all. I let this go because it’s an old argument and no good comes of it. She then tells me my daughter went to two nurseries , one she liked and one she hated. I was a bit taken off guard because my daughter has only ever been to one nursery. I told MIL this & she told me I was deliberately trying to make her look “demented” and was lying. She then hung up. Half an hour later I spoke to her and it was obvious she had been crying. I asked her if she was alright and apologised if I’d upset her. She said she was never talking about the past again and went off in a huff.
Now how do I deal with this kind of behaviour, I hate confrontation and genuinely wouldn’t want to upset anyone. But I can’t be expected to just agree and go along with whatever she says. I try not to challenge her on a lot of the things she says - she has pretty bad views about race & disabilities etc. I feel like I have to defend myself all the time & apologise , just for facts being facts- my daughter honestly only went to one nursery or not agreeing with her point of view.

That sounds to me like a lady who might just be starting to get a bit 'forgetful', especially with her comment about never talking about the past again. I say this because my mum started like that, just the little odd thing that sounded off, or came out of nowhere. She seems like she's worried about it too, by the accusation of you trying to make her look 'demented'. I'd just not rise to anything, but just watch closely what happens for a bit.