How do you change your life for the better?

[Nebbymoo]

Sorry if I waffle on a little bit but I'm just trying to put down in words what's whirling around in my brain while I can.
But how do you change your life for the better?where do you even begin?
My life is utterly miserable and I'm drowning in depression. I feel its things that i would be able to change if i knew where to begin but that's the problem i really dont know how to go about it.
I hate where we live. We do not even have so much as a living space at the moment. I have nowhere to escape to, we have that little room we cannot even have a sofa in the home it's an utter joke. If I'm not sitting on my bed I can not even so much as have a friend round for a coffee.
My husband has a social life hes out several times a week and does as he pleases. I have no access to the car as it's always with him.
My children just cause destruction to anything and everything and the constant teenage arguments just leave me utterly exhausted.
Life isnt all bad although it may sound like I'm throwing one hell of a pity party here but I just absolutely know I need change. I do not know where to start.
Nothing in my home holds any value to me and no amount of binning things brings me any comfort. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

 

[LaurieLaurie]

First of all.. Why is he being selfish taking all the free time for himself? When do you get any?

You’d probably feel a lot better if he left

 

[justheretoread99]

- How old are your kids?
As causing destruction is what toddlers do but you say teenage arguments? If they are teenagers are they badly behaved?

- Have you spoken to anyone about your depression?
Please speak to a trusted and close family member or friend about this. Talking is the first step. And if you feel like you need further help please speak to your GP.

- What’s the living situation? Are you having work done which means you can’t have a sofa at the moment or is the place too small to have one?
Do you hate the area you are in? Or do you hate the actual current state of the property?

- Who owns the car?
If this is a shared car, you need to compromise with him that you have equal access to it. If it is his car he can do what he wants with it. Do you have the funds for your own car at the moment?

From my perspective it seems you and your husband need to spend more time together if he’s always out and your always inside miserable. Can you arrange some date nights? Do you do things as a family with the kids?

The only way for your life to change is by making changes. Does your husband know you feel this way?

Sorry for all the questions, and I hope you are okay, just seems to me we need some more info here X

 

[Nebbymoo]

My children are all 12-14-16 they arnt bad children as such they are just incredibly selfish lazy and have no respect for the house. As an example will just leave pots piled high or tread mud through the carpets then just blame someone else. It's a like a game to them I'm sure. They treat the house terribly which is what has made me incredibly depressed.
The house is too small for us all we need something bigger.
My husband is a lovely man but also incredibly selfish. He does as he pleases and I dont tell him otherwise but also does zero with me either because he cant be arsed. I'm not materialistic and I dont like a fuss but being able to actually go do something without him once in a while without coming home to a tit hole would be nice.
Iv actually started looking into shared house accommodation for myself because I cannot continue to live like this any longer I'm utterly miserable.
Again in the grand scheme of things it doesnt sound like I have much to complain about compared to others but I need to make changes and find something that makes life feel like I'm living again. And I'm just not sure how to do that. In my mind a bigger home would solve all the problems but I'd still be living like a single woman who's a live in cleaner/caretaker

 

[justheretoread99]

Your children are all old enough to respect their parents and their home. You are the parent, you need to be more strict with them. Do they act this way at school? Have their teachers ever flagged their behaviour up to you?

If you are looking into shared accommodation, would this be permanent or short-term? As it sounds to me, you would be wanting to leave the relationship.

If he can’t be arsed to spend time with you and you “don’t tell him otherwise” you need to speak to him.

You need to tell him how you feel and go from there.

 

[Nebbymoo]

That's the problem. Everyone knows how i feel yet nothing changes. It wont change either I genuinely feel like they all just see how far they can push me until I break, things go back to normal instantly. There is no point in talking because nothing changes. Which is why I have decided that life needs to change.
If the relationship ended I wouldnt be asking my husband to leave I'd be the one going, however its my entire life that needs an overhaul and aside from finding somewhere else to live I dont know where to start with that.
I guess I'm just writing down my thoughts hoping that either I'll get clarity in my mind as to where to go from here or I'll realise how ridiculous I am and sort myself out.

 

[justheretoread99]

Write down all your thoughts!! Getting everything off your chest is the first step.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to about this in person?

I would hate to feel like you do, a single woman caretaker and cleaner. You deserve better than this! And quite frankly, you deserve some respect from him.

However looking for alternative accommodation without telling your husband how you are currently feelings seems irrational atm. Especially when there are 3 children involved.

Teenagers are always difficult, but you need to put your foot down with them in terms of leaving pots piled high and leaving mud through the house. They are old enough to clean up after themselves and take their muddy shoes off at the door. Running away from them to live elsewhere won’t help them.

Do you work? And do you have any hobbies or things that you do just for you? You need some “me-time” and a social life of your own. Anyone in your position would be miserable.

I’d start with smaller changes, I.e. pick up a new hobby or do something you enjoy more regularly then wanting to pack up and leave the family home by yourself.

 

[moosesauna]

Seconding the idea of picking up a hobby; is there any way you can get out of the house and walk or bus somewhere local? Most towns and cities have classes and hobby groups - they get you out of the house and help you meet a lot of cool people, plus a lot of them are cheap or free! Anything that gets you out of the house, even a quick walk to the shops or some fresh air, would probably do a lot of good. I haven't got kids but I know what it feels like to be frustrated at other people not helping out around the house - it's so stifling and stressful!!

Re; the kids being lazy and not cleaning up, perhaps they don't know how to, or they're just taking advantage of you because you do a lot of things for them? Try to hide the pots or give them a reason to clean up after themselves - just go on strike!! There'll be a lot of mess at first but hopefully they'll start doing things themselves? Best to be direct and clear with your boundaries and needs as well. Have a sit-down chat with your husband and kids and tell them that you're feeling overworked and stressed, and that they need to start pulling their weight so you can rest!! If they genuinely respect and care for you they'll make an effort to help you out. As for the teenage arguments, often they begin because teenagers don't feel listened to or have a lot of emotions they can't express in a constructive way. Talk to your kids and tell them you're there for them if they want to chat about anything, and even if it's difficult (which is often is!!!) you need to stay calm and collected around them. Don't raise your voice or yell at them but hear them out and validate their concerns before giving advice.

 

[abc i like tea]

Give your children award at the end of a task eg: if they wash the dishes 10 times they receive this, it might motivate them
you need to find a hobby like doing nails or painting.
i hope this helped xx

 

[MaryX82]

A temporary solution but book yourself into a nice Air BnB for a night or two to get some distance from the daily tit at home.The kids and hubby can fend for their bleeping selves.A change of scenery is always good.Try doing more things you enjoy for yourself.Eg mani/pedi,face mask, reading books,magazines,watching box sets you enjoy,cooking your favourite meals.Put yourself first.Talk is out with your Hubby and tell him exactly how your feeling.And tell the kids to get their tit together and help out.Good news they are getting on a bit so won’t be under your feet forever.Good luck

 

[Kim Mild]

It sounds like your situation is getting you down . We lived an overcrowded house and it was horrible ,I felt quite trapped so I do sympathise with that . Do you see a way out of that, is there future plans to improve this?

In relationships with children , men often seem to be the ones who go out as they please while the woman is left looking after the household. Again , that is something I can sympathise with .

I think your kids may have picked up how much you dislike where you live , and that is why they have no respect for things and appear destructive.

I am a believer that actions speak louder than words.

I would actually leave the house sometimes , as your children are old enough to leave alone briefly.
What would happen if you actually drove off in the car? Even if its popping to the shop?

Sounds like more time to yourself would do you the world of good

 

[Nebbymoo]

Thank you for those who have taken the time to reply it really is appreciated.
I spoke with my husband last night, he had nipped out and came home with flowers that are now in the wheelie bin and a box of chocolate he knows I dont like "he didnt think" apparently I dont want to sound ungrateful but honestly what is the point in bothering at all? When we spoke after half an hour of "I dont stop you doing anything you can do what you like" and a few examples of why I'm upset he finally relented and admitted that actually he is selfish and considers nothing except his own time and what he wants to do. Hes left the car at home today I'm assuming out of principle and it was tipping it down with rain this morning which amused me lol.
I do love the bones of the man and honestly love nothing more than seeing him happy but not at the expense of my own happiness. am I prepared to carry on as I am? Absolutely not. I do know that I will absolutely not tolerate living as we are any longer and I have set myself a goal of 6 months to find somewhere else to move to. We are looking to buy at the moment and have been for some time which is just making the situation more stressful because as everyone knows the housing situation at the minute is a joke and moving into another rented home just defeats the object but if need be then maybe it would be worth it the children being lazy messy etc isnt the main issue I dont think, just seems alot worse because of the lack of space and other stresses.

 

[Kim Mild]

Thank you for those who have taken the time to reply it really is appreciated.
I spoke with my husband last night, he had nipped out and came home with flowers that are now in the wheelie bin and a box of chocolate he knows I dont like "he didnt think" apparently I dont want to sound ungrateful but honestly what is the point in bothering at all? When we spoke after half an hour of "I dont stop you doing anything you can do what you like" and a few examples of why I'm upset he finally relented and admitted that actually he is selfish and considers nothing except his own time and what he wants to do. Hes left the car at home today I'm assuming out of principle and it was tipping it down with rain this morning which amused me lol.
I do love the bones of the man and honestly love nothing more than seeing him happy but not at the expense of my own happiness. am I prepared to carry on as I am? Absolutely not. I do know that I will absolutely not tolerate living as we are any longer and I have set myself a goal of 6 months to find somewhere else to move to. We are looking to buy at the moment and have been for some time which is just making the situation more stressful because as everyone knows the housing situation at the minute is a joke and moving into another rented home just defeats the object but if need be then maybe it would be worth it the children being lazy messy etc isnt the main issue I dont think, just seems alot worse because of the lack of space and other stresses.

There is no harm in looking to see if there is a more suitable rental property big enoughfor your family, it could take a while to actually go through the buying process.

 

[PlinyinTorquay]

There is no harm in looking to see if there is a more suitable rental property big enoughfor your family, it could take a while to actually go through the buying process.

Dear @Nebbymoo I am so sorry and sad to read this. We don’t know one another but may I send you a virtual hug? Why don’t you make a list of all the things, big and small, that you can do to change your situation. Try and accomplish one small thing a day and a bigger thing every month. I am sure that if you did this you could be looking at a different landscape by this time next year. Also have you seen your GP to see if he can prescribe something to help lift your spirits and help you to cope with your situation? Meditation can also help but it sounds as though you may struggle to find a quiet space to build a practice. For now, get working on that list and wishing you strength xoxo

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I haven't read any other replies.

Your husband does not respect you and so nor will your children.
You will only change your life if you either make your husband respect you or you leave him. It's as simple as that.
you are depressed because you have a good reason to be depressed, it's nothing to do (IMO) with anything medical and pills will only cover it up they will not solve anything for you at all.

 

[Titntat]

I'd sit your kids, probaly not the 12 y/o and hubby and sit them down. Tell them exactly how you feel you need their help! They need to stop taking the piss any chip in abit by the sounds of it!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Sorry if I waffle on a little bit but I'm just trying to put down in words what's whirling around in my brain while I can.
But how do you change your life for the better?where do you even begin?
My life is utterly miserable and I'm drowning in depression. I feel its things that i would be able to change if i knew where to begin but that's the problem i really dont know how to go about it.
I hate where we live. We do not even have so much as a living space at the moment. I have nowhere to escape to, we have that little room we cannot even have a sofa in the home it's an utter joke. If I'm not sitting on my bed I can not even so much as have a friend round for a coffee.
My husband has a social life hes out several times a week and does as he pleases. I have no access to the car as it's always with him.
My children just cause destruction to anything and everything and the constant teenage arguments just leave me utterly exhausted.
Life isnt all bad although it may sound like I'm throwing one hell of a pity party here but I just absolutely know I need change. I do not know where to start.
Nothing in my home holds any value to me and no amount of binning things brings me any comfort. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

Have you expressed how you feel to your husband as you have to us here? Does he have any idea how unhappy you are? Why is it so unbalanced regarding your own free time?

have you sought professional help with your mental health?

is moving to a different house/different area an option? If not, could it be in the future? Is your home physically just small at the moment or are you having it done up etc and it’s just chaos?

how old are your kids?