I’m only 25 but I have been against having children of my own as long as I can remember. The pregnancy and child bearing/rearing, all that stuff looks so tiring to me. Plus, I have certain health conditions that are very genetic so I don’t want to be passing them on to another human. It’s not fair. I live next to a daycare and every time I hear a child scream, I thank myself that I never popped out a child of my own. Kids are very expensive and they can be really bratty and ungrateful. I just don’t se myself having financial or emotional resources to be a mother.
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For me the question was: ‘Do I want to have a child with my husband?’ and the answer was a definite yes. I have always loved kids but not assumed it’s something that would happen to me automatically, or that’s my natural trajectory and purpose as a woman in life. However in our early 30s we did have the conversation and agreed we wanted one child, so we went with it. Never felt like I wanted another one since, it has always felt like our little unit is complete now. I reckon I would have been fine if I never had children also as we have a very good happy relationship and life.
On the whole I don’t like to use regret as a measure in life as the ‘what ifs’ are so difficult to navigate and quantify objectively. My life is for sure different since becoming a mum; some bits are better and some bits are worse. I think what’s the most important thing is to consider if a child makes sense to you and your partner and go with that.
On the whole I don’t like to use regret as a measure in life as the ‘what ifs’ are so difficult to navigate and quantify objectively. My life is for sure different since becoming a mum; some bits are better and some bits are worse. I think what’s the most important thing is to consider if a child makes sense to you and your partner and go with that.
You took the words out of my mouth. I am 24 and some of my friends and cousins started having kids (especially the ones in long relationships). I noticed that the few who had them eary decided to do it because they wanted to be SAHM. So it made sense for them to have kids younger to spend more time with them.I'm 36 and I've always known I don't want kids. I've never felt "broody" and I know I never will - for me it's actually the extreme that I can't understand why anyone ever wants them! My friends have got kids and I just think, why would you do that to yourself - now your life is never yours to just do what takes your fancy. If someone tells me they're having a baby my automatic reaction is to say "oh I'm sorry, was that on purpose?" I just can't get my head around it, it seems bonkers!
Having said that I also know I don't ever want a relationship (never had one, never will) so I'm probably just wired wrong
For women who don't have their own business having kids is a bit like a russian roulette. Some are very fulfilled to share their time with their kids. However, the others are miserable. They are always picking the kids after school, taking a day off when the child is sick, they can't grow their career because it requires spending less time with the kids. It is sad to watch.
If there was no taboo about people talking openly about regretting having kids I strongly believe that less women would have them. Gen X, Millenials and Gen Z are already questioning the whole idea of having kids.
I’m turning 25 and am still in uni so my situation is a bit different but up until very recently I never wanted kids.
However a few days ago my bf told me he’d be okay with us having kids in our (mid) 40s and I was just like “no?! I want them no later than mid 30s” ... took a while before I fully realized what I thought there. It’s still not my biggest wish right now and I do wonder if I really want kids when I’m in my career (studying to be a lawyer rn), so who knows what will happen. I’d be okay with both I think?
I guess sometimes your mindset can change without you really noticing. Is it because of biology or society? Probably ...
However a few days ago my bf told me he’d be okay with us having kids in our (mid) 40s and I was just like “no?! I want them no later than mid 30s” ... took a while before I fully realized what I thought there. It’s still not my biggest wish right now and I do wonder if I really want kids when I’m in my career (studying to be a lawyer rn), so who knows what will happen. I’d be okay with both I think?
I guess sometimes your mindset can change without you really noticing. Is it because of biology or society? Probably ...
How is it ok to say things like this and it just gets laughed at but if a woman was to say ‘I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want them’ they would be attacked. I think majority of mothers do love their children and there’s so many women who are desperate to be mothers this could be seen as quite a hurtful thing to say?
That is just one person's opinion, it has no bearing on anyone elses thoughts or decisions.
Someone else wrote on this thread that they always wanted to have a family and therefore knew that meant having kids (?) That was offensive to me, totally invalidating couples or single people with pets, or people who have close bonds with friends, who are 100% complete families too. But I know they didn't mean anything by it, to them that is what having a family is.
No one disagrees that the majority of mothers love their children. However, you can love your kids and still regret the choice to have them.
agree with what you are saying but I feel like these comments aren’t really necessary, I can totally understand why some couples don’t want to have children but it’s unhelpful to say ‘don’t get why anyone has them’ when that’s not really what the OP asked.
I have kids and still dont like other peoples kids never have done. Always knew I wanted my own but not fussed on others.
You get people who love other peoples kids but know they dont want their own.
Its a decision you cant reverse, not like moving area where you can sell up and move back, or taking a job youre not sure about.
Its a lifestyle, its not my children I would ever regret its the expectation put on parents and in particular mothers. We have to be everything all at once and I can see why that expectation would make people think twice about having children. Might be living in 2021 but responsibility of parenting seems to still fall at the feet of women.
If my kids are sick, its me who is phoned to collect, if theres something to be remembered its on me and I think other women see that and dont want that for their life and man is that valid!
Some days I would like to just come in from work, open a bottle of wine, a share bag of crisps and collapse on the sofa but I can't because my kids cant have wine and crisps for dinner
Its a poisoned chalice because its all or nothing, theres no half way and as previously said you cant ever vent about being a parent because of public expectation and judgement. It doesnt mean you regret it or dont enjoy it but some days are hard.
never have done. Always knew I wanted my own but not fussed on others. You get people who love other peoples kids but know they dont want their own.
Its a decision you cant reverse, not like moving area where you can sell up and move back, or taking a job youre not sure about.
Its a lifestyle, its not my children I would ever regret its the expectation put on parents and in particular mothers. We have to be everything all at once and I can see why that expectation would make people think twice about having children. Might be living in 2021 but responsibility of parenting seems to still fall at the feet of women.
If my kids are sick, its me who is phoned to collect, if theres something to be remembered its on me and I think other women see that and dont want that for their life and man is that valid!
Some days I would like to just come in from work, open a bottle of wine, a share bag of crisps and collapse on the sofa but I can't because my kids cant have wine and crisps for dinner
Its a poisoned chalice because its all or nothing, theres no half way and as previously said you cant ever vent about being a parent because of public expectation and judgement. It doesnt mean you regret it or dont enjoy it but some days are hard.
I always grew up not wanting children, I've been a aunt since I was 8 and honestly it put me off!
I'll put the rest behind a spoiler as it may trigger some people.
I now have 2 beautiful children who are my entire world.
at the end of the day it's your life and you only get one chance at it, you have to do what makes you happy and what is right for you x
I'll put the rest behind a spoiler as it may trigger some people.
Then I fell pregnant at 17 whilst on the pill, I didn't find out until I was 16 weeks and I had a late miscarriage at 18 weeks, The excitement I felt in those short few weeks and the absolute heart break after losing her made me reconsider my choices
I now have 2 beautiful children who are my entire world.
at the end of the day it's your life and you only get one chance at it, you have to do what makes you happy and what is right for you x
I think it's relevant to the question in terms of showing there are so many nuances of opinion. Some people will never want children, some people will think for a long time they don't and change their minds when they get older, some people will know from a young age that it's something they really really want. The OP seems to be in the middle bucket or thinks they might be, and while it's not directly what was asked I felt it worth adding that as someone a few years older than the OP I've never felt the societal or internal "pressure" many often describe when you get into your 30s so it's possible for it never to hit.
My personal opinion is that I don't understand, from a logical sense, why anyone would want to (how it seems to me) give up their freedom for years and years. I'm not trying to shock or offend, I have quite a logic, process driven brain and it's just one of those topics I struggle to comprehend. I understand people do want it, I just can't wrap my head around it personally because for me the cons way outweigh the pros but I know it's all about perspective. I could write what I see as a list of "if aliens came to earth, describe the concept of having children/parenting" and it would almost all be about giving up freedom, having a lifetime of responsibility, all the negative stuff and I know if someone else did the same exercise it would be completely different.
I wouldn't be personally offended by someone saying "I can't understand why anyone would not want kids, if you don't you must be a monster" (something I have heard) - that's their opinion just like I have my own, however, I appreciate for those who want children and are struggling to do so that it's a sensitive topic and my opinion might cause offence in which case I am really sorry if I did.
I think the problem with today's society is the fact that social media very much glamorizes getting engaged, getting married and being pregnant. People never talk about how expensive or emotionally taxing it is to raise a child. A kid will challenge you and sometimes push you to your limits. When it comes to working mothers, I can't imagine how much pressure it is to keep it all together and keeping your sanity. For non-working mothers, I am sure there are days they just want to give up because how much intellectual stimulation can you get from chores & taking care of kids 24/7?
I think having a strong and reliable partner is important as well. This is why I'm personally on the fence about this whole thing. As someone said, having a child is a life-altering decision and you can't go back once you have a child. Plus, a child really changes a relationship. If your partner suddenly shows they're not overly dependable or don't participate in any chores, it can make the whole experience worse. Some people have children thinking it will fix a relationship or finally make them happy, but you're not content with yourself and your partner to begin with, it's definitely not the right move.
Plus, mental health is a big topic for me personally. I try to be as healthy as I can possibly be, but if I'm having a bad day at work or for whatever reason, I just want to come home and sulk or throw myself a pity party to process my emotions. When you have children, you can't do that. You have to bottle it up inside and keep a front. It's tough and can certainly affect your mental health over time.
I think having a strong and reliable partner is important as well. This is why I'm personally on the fence about this whole thing. As someone said, having a child is a life-altering decision and you can't go back once you have a child. Plus, a child really changes a relationship. If your partner suddenly shows they're not overly dependable or don't participate in any chores, it can make the whole experience worse. Some people have children thinking it will fix a relationship or finally make them happy, but you're not content with yourself and your partner to begin with, it's definitely not the right move.
Plus, mental health is a big topic for me personally. I try to be as healthy as I can possibly be, but if I'm having a bad day at work or for whatever reason, I just want to come home and sulk or throw myself a pity party to process my emotions. When you have children, you can't do that. You have to bottle it up inside and keep a front. It's tough and can certainly affect your mental health over time.
I wouldn’t necessarily say I knew I wanted kids, what I did know was that I didn’t want to regret not having them.
I mean as a child I always wanted to grow up and be a mummy and have a family, but I questioned it a lot in my late teens, early twenties.
Eventually the decision was made for me when I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I love being a mum but of course sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have any!
I mean as a child I always wanted to grow up and be a mummy and have a family, but I questioned it a lot in my late teens, early twenties.
Eventually the decision was made for me when I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I love being a mum but of course sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have any!
100% this. Having a child is one of the most testing things in life and as a couple. It also exposes so much about the general gender inequality in society, that having a supportive partner who is a feminist really helps.
Always knew I wanted children, however I knew I wanted to be settled first (marriage, own home) plus being in a stable relationship with decent communication. We started trying to see what happened and it took 18 months to get pregnant - it was hard at the time but looking back it really made us know we were ready for children.
the only thing I would change would be to spend less on our wedding and more on holidays! Our wedding wasn’t even expensive but I’d have been quite happy with a registry office and our family but we still had a nice day in the end!
the only thing I would change would be to spend less on our wedding and more on holidays! Our wedding wasn’t even expensive but I’d have been quite happy with a registry office and our family but we still had a nice day in the end!
Its a weird one with me.
I've never really been maternal and was never really fussed about babies, but I knew I didn't want to get to menopausal age and regret not having a child/ren.
My boyfriend and I had discussed it and said 'yeah maybe one day'
Then March 2020 I found out I was pregnant (we weren't actively trying, just not being very careful lol). I looked at the pregnancy test and this feeling came over me I can only describe as contentment. It was strange.
Little one is now 7 months old and the best thing to happen to me
I've never really been maternal and was never really fussed about babies, but I knew I didn't want to get to menopausal age and regret not having a child/ren.
My boyfriend and I had discussed it and said 'yeah maybe one day'
Then March 2020 I found out I was pregnant (we weren't actively trying, just not being very careful lol). I looked at the pregnancy test and this feeling came over me I can only describe as contentment. It was strange.
Little one is now 7 months old and the best thing to happen to me
Cant agree with the two posts above enough. People talk about the sleepless nights and the sleep deprivation in abundance. I wish people felt able to talk about how motherhood takes every single part of you and how you view yourself changes so much.
I am always honest and frank about motherhood. I think most people myself included naively think we can change the narrative. That your life wont be like that. That we will be the generation to truly have it all.
My own Mother should never have been a parent. She never enjoyed it and my whole life Ive been to made to feel like nothing but a burden. I often wonder if this experience pushed me to become a parent myself and even on my worse days it pushes me to be the best I can for my kids because I never want them to feel like I did.
Regardless I think that its a huge positive that women have a choice and feel free to make the decision to be child free. How awful in years gone by that having kids was seen as such a norm that people would have did it even if its not what they wanted.
Birth rate in the US is falling a lot and theyve put that down to people feeling they cant afford to have children rather than choice. Cost of living is rocketing and wages are not.
I am always honest and frank about motherhood. I think most people myself included naively think we can change the narrative. That your life wont be like that. That we will be the generation to truly have it all.
My own Mother should never have been a parent. She never enjoyed it and my whole life Ive been to made to feel like nothing but a burden. I often wonder if this experience pushed me to become a parent myself and even on my worse days it pushes me to be the best I can for my kids because I never want them to feel like I did.
Regardless I think that its a huge positive that women have a choice and feel free to make the decision to be child free. How awful in years gone by that having kids was seen as such a norm that people would have did it even if its not what they wanted.
Birth rate in the US is falling a lot and theyve put that down to people feeling they cant afford to have children rather than choice. Cost of living is rocketing and wages are not.
All the way through my twenties I was really anti having kids and never wanted them, I’ve sort of softened now in my late 30s (I’m 38) but I feel bad that I’m now indifferent. We got married a few years ago and my husband desperately wants a child but I feel that if it happens then fine if not I’m equally happy, it’s hard to describe without seeming a loon. We are financially stable and about to move to a bigger house so in theory perfect time.
I have PCOS plus my age and have warned him that this may not happen for us but he seems to not understand the condition or chooses not to ( apparently a spot of IVF should sort it
). It’s hard being an adult!
I have PCOS plus my age and have warned him that this may not happen for us but he seems to not understand the condition or chooses not to ( apparently a spot of IVF should sort it
). It’s hard being an adult!
I don’t hold that many babies but when I do, I don’t feel anything 
Is that normal? Or a sign I shouldn’t have them?
Is that normal? Or a sign I shouldn’t have them?Definitely. I grew up in a very "traditional" household and this whole gender categorization when it comes to chores/household matters is definitely not my cup of tea. I also saw the impact of such dynamic on mental health and it's not good. If I'm to have a child, it needs to be with someone who has a progressive mindset. Women sacrifice enough as it is (lower pay, maternity leave, bearing the child + other health concerns that may come along, career slow down potentially). Taking the kids to school and putting the bins out is definitely not going to cut it for me.
I've never been hugely maternal but I knew I wanted kids eventually with the right person. I got married a couple of years ago, we have a house with space for a baby, and there wasn't some sudden realisation but it just seemed like the natural next step. I'm expecting my first in a few weeks and I can't wait! I still don't like other people's kids much though... babies sure, but not when they're old enough to constantly be talking
I very much agree that you need to have a supportive partner who will do just as much 'parenting' as the mother and luckily I know my husband is that way inclined. Otherwise I can imagine it being so hard, and I can't even imagine how difficult single mothers must find it.
I very much agree that you need to have a supportive partner who will do just as much 'parenting' as the mother and luckily I know my husband is that way inclined. Otherwise I can imagine it being so hard, and I can't even imagine how difficult single mothers must find it.