Help with teenager

[Redyellowgreen]

I have a 15 year old sister who we (my family) are honestly at our wits end with. And dont know what more to do.
We are a close family I am 28 and the youngest sister is 15. There have been no issues with any of my siblings . Except one. She constantly rebels absolutely everything. She was constantly fighting at school.( to the point she is now removed) Fighting out with school causing trouble around the down . She is extremely abusive and violent towards my parents. She trashed the house. Smashed it up. Police didnt want to help they said it was a social work issue , social work say it's a police issue . There is no support. Due to the school issues ect she has a social worker who is now being removed next month as they dont provide any support.
However when this was all going on previously the social work set rules basically says my sister can do as she wishes. She must always have her phone she can go out ect. And we werent allowed to refuse these. So there isnt exactly any way of discipline. My parents try to ground her she sneaks out the house or out windows. Before the rules tried to remove her phone she smashed a door down and said she would jump out a window .
She went to mental health services who say she doesnt have any issues that's been removed.
She hasnt had any different an upbringing than any of our siblings we have all been level yet she keeps rebeling
My mum has had countless phone calls from other people telling of what my sister is doing . We have had facebook message ect.
Tonight someone came to the door about my sister bullying her daughter for 4 years . She was told to phone the police which she would not accept. She then told my parents they were useless and no wonder my sister is the way she is . All the woman kept shouting was they need to parent.

My parents have tried everything and more and no longer know what to do how to solve it
When it was full lockdown no.1 she was like a totally different person because she waant with her friends. There was no trouble at all.
She chops and changes her friends all the time we cant keep up with who she is with.

People I have spoke with keep saying ah she will grow out of it
But I just cant stand people coming saying it's my parents fault

 

[MaryX82]

Could it be she’s having issues in other areas of her life.Eg struggling with school work,stress of exams,lockdown,boyfriend drama,period issues,falling out with friends.Perhaps sitting down with her and discussing future plans college uni learning to drive apprenticeships career choices would help focus her a bit.Good luck

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Could it be she’s having issues in other areas of her life.Eg struggling with school work,stress of exams,lockdown,boyfriend drama,period issues,falling out with friends.Perhaps sitting down with her and discussing future plans college uni learning to drive apprenticeships career choices would help focus her a bit.Good luck

Thank you for your message
She doesnt go to school , she has 2 hours on a monday she goes to this education place but doesnt get school work. One day a week she goes to a small zoo/farm place where she is absolutely amazing she was won awards there and they cant praise her enough for the work she does there. She has a paper round so has has a little bit kn money , which usually gets spent on junk food , drink or cigarettes. She has a an apprenticeship starting once she turns 16 that she is happy about

 

[JoeBloggs]

If she’s doing do well at the farm place could she not volunteer there more? Sounds like she needs some purpose in her life.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

If she’s doing do well at the farm place could she not volunteer there more? Sounds like she needs some purpose in her life.

It's a placement thing for children with problems in school and they only have the one day a week unfortunately her hours on the one day a week have been upped to a full day but doesnt seem to help . Until she turns 16 (next month) then she can apply for an apprenticeship through it and will be there more.

 

[Dramabyname]

In my uneducated opinion it does sound like there is a deep rooted problem. Children do not behave like this without reason (IMO)
I totally understand how you and your parents are worried/exasperated/annoyed at the situation too and external forces do not sound like they have been helpful at all.
Does she have anyone in your family she has a close bond with? Someone she can communicate with without being judged or talked down to?
I would also look for a therapist that isn’t trying to “look for a problem” but would actually help facilitate her in handling her life differently.
I’m sorry you’re going through this though, the fact you’re asking for help really shows how much you care.

 

[Ahahha]

Hi
My mums friend daughter has exactly went like this 2 years ago and now shes a change person. My mum friend was trying to get help from the social and police in the end she got taken out of the area we live in let's say we live in Edinburgh and got put to alloa honestly best thing that ever happened to the child as shes now home and a different person she was away for 8 months still seen her family but wasnt allowed up here unless she just stayed in family home.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Hi
My mums friend daughter has exactly went like this 2 years ago and now shes a change person. My mum friend was trying to get help from the social and police in the end she got taken out of the area we live in let's say we live in Edinburgh and got put to alloa honestly best thing that ever happened to the child as shes now home and a different person she was away for 8 months still seen her family but wasnt allowed up here unless she just stayed in family home.

She tried living at my aunties house . They were okey to begin with. But that soon didnt workes out my auntie started accusing he of taking my cousins clothes and make up and then started making comments about my mum so my sister didnt like it and kicked off and left.
My mum tried telling when she hangs about with friend X she is a great and this friend is a good influence. But she hears rumours from others and that soon ends and shes back in the wrong crowd

In my uneducated opinion it does sound like there is a deep rooted problem. Children do not behave like this without reason (IMO)
I totally understand how you and your parents are worried/exasperated/annoyed at the situation too and external forces do not sound like they have been helpful at all.
Does she have anyone in your family she has a close bond with? Someone she can communicate with without being judged or talked down to?
I would also look for a therapist that isn’t trying to “look for a problem” but would actually help facilitate her in handling her life differently.
I’m sorry you’re going through this though, the fact you’re asking for help really shows how much you care.

She listens to what others around are saying , she believes everything so easily what her friends say. she doesnt like it when she hears people bad mouthing the family. She is forever thinking people are speaking about her. She doesnt like it when people dont agree with her .

She has a someone through the social work who she goes once a week to speak to about everything they try to tell her she cant act like this , but she still thinks its okey.

Now this morning we questioned her on the woman coming to the house
She says it's not her it was something her friend has done but because tiree is friends with this girl the mother who was at our house instantly thought it was my sister.
But no my sister knows about this she is threatening to go after the girl we have told her not to it's not worth it but she says she doesnt care

 

[Ahahha]

She tried living at my aunties house . They were okey to begin with. But that soon didnt workes out my auntie started accusing he of taking my cousins clothes and make up and then started making comments about my mum so my sister didnt like it and kicked off and left.
My mum tried telling when she hangs about with friend X she is a great and this friend is a good influence. But she hears rumours from others and that soon ends and shes back in the wrong crowd



She listens to what others around are saying , she believes everything so easily what her friends say. she doesnt like it when she hears people bad mouthing the family. She is forever thinking people are speaking about her. She doesnt like it when people dont agree with her .

She has a someone through the social work who she goes once a week to speak to about everything they try to tell her she cant act like this , but she still thinks its okey.

Now this morning we questioned her on the woman coming to the house
She says it's not her it was something her friend has done but because tiree is friends with this girl the mother who was at our house instantly thought it was my sister.
But no my sister knows about this she is threatening to go after the girl we have told her not to it's not worth it but she says she doesnt care

That's a shame my mums friend daughter was put in a social services home can you maybe speak to them about it

 

[Redyellowgreen]

That's a shame my mums friend daughter was put in a social services home can you maybe speak to them about it

We tried but because she is turning 16 next month social services just dont really want anything to do with her shes no longer there problem

 

[Ahahha]

We tried but because she is turning 16 next month social services just dont really want anything to do with her shes no longer there problem

That's so bad I feel for your family. There should be more help

 

[MaryX82]

Is there anyway you can try and support her taking her under your wing meeting with your friends and boyfriend if you have one.Being a good role model to her plus it might get her away from the random rough friends she currently with.Any chance of her getting more time at the zoo/farm as she’s doing well at.Perhaps a apprenticeship at a local vets if she likes working with animals.

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Is there anyway you can try and support her taking her under your wing meeting with your friends and boyfriend if you have one.Being a good role model to her plus it might get her away from the random rough friends she currently with.Any chance of her getting more time at the zoo/farm as she’s doing well at.Perhaps a apprenticeship at a local vets if she likes working with animals.

I've tried so much with her.i dont want to give up . Last weekend I was out for a walk . She was with a group of friends smoking and drink and causing trouble. I knew if I went to my mum about this she would say she wasnt doing it. So i video her doing this. She thought I was just taking photos said she was just sat doing nothing that I was lying until I said well actually I recorded her. She called me a pedalo and said she was reporting me to the police and social work

 

[justheretoread99]

Really feel for all involved here.

It might be worth contacting CAMHS. I know you said in your previous post that mental health services said there was no issue but maybe she needs a more thorough assessment. She might be on the autism spectrum as some of the signs in young females can be: problems forming and keeping friendships, find it hard to follow instructions and rules, aggressive behaviour & school refusal. It could even be the onset of a personality disorder I.e. borderline personality disorder. These are so hard to diagnose as they are so complex.

I hope she and your parents can get the support you all need.

 

[Apple In My Pie]

I don’t have any advice only to say I have a relative who’s 17 and exactly the same, she has been diagnosed with ASD but it’s very recent. I really feel for you, it’s tough there really isn’t any help!

 

[Redyellowgreen]

Really feel for all involved here.

It might be worth contacting CAMHS. I know you said in your previous post that mental health services said there was no issue but maybe she needs a more thorough assessment. She might be on the autism spectrum as some of the signs in young females can be: problems forming and keeping friendships, find it hard to follow instructions and rules, aggressive behaviour & school refusal. It could even be the onset of a personality disorder I.e. borderline personality disorder. These are so hard to diagnose as they are so complex.

I hope she and your parents can get the support you all need.

Thank you , one time she ran away when the police came to question her about something she ran to the cliffs and was threatening to jump so she was taken to the mental health place by the police, discharged as soon as she was there as she said she wouldnt do it and she was fine . She was referred to CAMHS and went through testing for autism ,adhd ,adha and more and they said she had none of these.
We have felt like we are just hitting our head off a brick wall.
We feel there has to be something there as this is not normal. At all
And when people experience her terrors they blame my parents.
My mum is scared to leave the house she hasnt been out since last year she wont even go to the shops as shes scared someone will approach her about my sister .

 

[justheretoread99]

Thank you , one time she ran away when the police came to question her about something she ran to the cliffs and was threatening to jump so she was taken to the mental health place by the police, discharged as soon as she was there as she said she wouldnt do it and she was fine . She was referred to CAMHS and went through testing for autism ,adhd ,adha and more and they said she had none of these.
We have felt like we are just hitting our head off a brick wall.
We feel there has to be something there as this is not normal. At all
And when people experience her terrors they blame my parents.
My mum is scared to leave the house she hasnt been out since last year she wont even go to the shops as shes scared someone will approach her about my sister .

You’re right it’s definitely not normal or rational behaviour. I can’t imagine what it’s like for your mum having to deal with the comments like “it’s the upbringing/parents fault”.

I’m no expert but it does sound like there’s some behavioural or personality disorder going on.

Mental health services are so underfunded and poorly managed, especially CAMHS. I don’t know what area you’re from but in my area we have a service called IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) which are short term intervention therapies from self referrals and clinical referrals. I’d definitely look into any similar services or the crisis team in your area.
Her age is such a funny age aswell, with the social pressures of life and all the hormones and changes a young adults body goes through.
Sending you Love

 

[Dipstick]

We tried but because she is turning 16 next month social services just dont really want anything to do with her shes no longer there problem

This is not true. Your sister is still a minor. Your parents can tell Children's Services that they refuse to accommodate her any longer and that she has to move out. The Local Authority would then be obligated to find her a foster placement. This might be the scare that your sister needs.

Alternatively, she may be involved in something you don't know about; some form of abuse or drug trafficking. It sounds like she is acting out for a reason.

If your parents are at their witt's end, children's services need to step up. Your parents can force their hand by refusing to allow her to live with them. I would suggest your parents get some legal advice from a specialist child care solicitor before going down this route though, as once you open that can of worms, it's hard to shut it. Sometimes this approach works and the young person sees how their decisions are impacting on their life and they change their ways, sometimes they don't and it can fracture already fragile relationships. But don't let children's services fob your parents off. They have a legal duty to act, particularly if your sister is "beyond parental control". They have a duty to house her too, if your parents won't. And that doesn't just apply while she's 15, it continues to apply when she is 16,17 etc.

Your parents need to get themselves to a child care solicitor to find out what their options are. Social workers won't usually know your parents legal rights nor the social workers legal obligations, and can easily get it wrong. Get solicitors involved, it shouldn't cost much for an initial confidential consultation and your parents will then be empowered with knowing what their options are. Good luck, I don't envy you, teenagers can be horrors!

 

[Came for the comments]

I feel your pain with there being not much help out there and I’m sorry to hear what your going through my local cahms team was v helpful and got us the help we needed it felt like he really pulled the strings for help , this being with social services and then depending on which worker you get i felt was a bit of a gamble I’ve had a great one and I’ve had one that just didn’t understand.
I was a terrible teenager and that was no reflection on my parents they were great I feel terrible for your mum not wanting to go out people are so quick to judge sorry I don’t really know what to say but I do hope she grows out of it or you can get some help best of luck x and she’s v lucky to have a sister like you , I’m sure you won’t but never give up on her xx

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Has she always been like this? In some way or another? Or is this relatively new behaviour / out of the blue?