He messaged his ex…

[emm]

… to apologise for how their relationship ended… 3 years ago.
Am i crazy to be mad about this? He thinks he was only doing a good deed. She blabbed about it and it got back to me. She knew it would. Instead of her ignoring the message she purposely told people.

this is a huge red flag. Also she has no blame in this , he is the one behaving badly

 

[jo1983]

this is a huge red flag. Also she has no blame in this , he is the one behaving badly

Why do you decide after 3 years to send a message saying sorry ?? I dont get it.

 

[LaBlonde]

May be after a period of reflection, he realised he was in the wrong and just wanted to be a good person

after three years though?!

all someone messaging an ex after three years is doing is just reminding them that they’re there. i would be annoyed about it to OP - he should have known how it would make you feel.

the ex isn’t in the wrong here. it’s her prerogative to tell people. your partner needs to be more respectful of you.

 

[laughing]

May be after a period of reflection, he realised he was in the wrong and just wanted to be a good person

 

[emm]

Why do you decide after 3 years to send a message saying sorry ?? I dont get it.

my ex did the same tp me, he basically started an emotional affair which was a big reason we broke up

That’s exactly what he thinks. That hes just doing the right thing.


Badly. Well i mean it was a decision made and he’s always said it was more him wanting to end it than her.
I think that too. If it was so innocent a message why not mention it to me first? He never thought i would find out. Thats why.


He is absolutely saying im being ridiculous in that im upset about it.
I do agree in that she hasnt done anything wrong. But she knew what she was doing in mentioning it to others.

if anything i would be greatful to her tbh, otherwise you would be totally in the dark

 

[LaBlonde]

you need to break this down:

- he ended the relationship when she didn’t want to? has this always played on his mind? why did he feel the need to message a girl who, after 3 years, has presumably gotten some closure from him?

- you say she told people and knew it would get back to you. i imagine this influenced him telling you as he knew you would find out anyway.

there’s a reason why he randomly decided to message an ex from years ago who he has apparently told you didn’t want to end it with him. and you need to talk to him about it

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Really irritating when people post threads like this then refuse to come back to update on what happened after so much advice has been given…….

 

[Sunflower91]

I had an ex that was always in and out of contact with his ex and the excuse was always some kind of chivalrous/ serious necessity. Really it was him trying to be present in her life.

I’ll admit, I’ve dated people that really did me wrong and for a time I thought I wanted an apology. But in reality that was just so I could unleash some rage about them. I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone that’s been pleased when an ex has got back in touch, unless they want them back. Apologies do nothing to rectify the past and usually it’s just so that the guilty party can feel better. If I were in your shoes I’d want to know what triggered him into feeling so guilty he felt like messaging 3 years on. Was it the way it ended or something else? He absolutely should have spoken with you- at the very least to know where it’s all coming from. Being all secretive about it just makes him look guilty of something.

 

[SnoopySnooper86]

Urgh, I always think there’s an ulterior motive for this kinda shit. Have you seen the actual message?

 

[SnoopySnooper86]

my ex did the same tp me, he basically started an emotional affair which was a big reason we broke up

I’m sorry to hear that happened to you Emm.

Why would he even think she would want to hear sorry after 3 years? It’s not about being a nice person - it’s self indulgent thinking that she’s been torn up about it for so long.

 

[Bonniemont]

my ex did the same tp me, he basically started an emotional affair which was a big reason we broke up


if anything i would be greatful to her tbh, otherwise you would be totally in the dark

I absolutely agree it’s not the girls fault at all. I would be very wary of a man doing this. I know it’s hard to accept but I think you need to be very careful now. You could be letting yourself in for years of torment if you ignore this behaviour. I’m speaking from personal experience. I went through something like this years ago. I was totally gaslighted over it and in the end he left me for his ex.

 

[Warpaint]

Really irritating when people post threads like this then refuse to come back to update on what happened after so much advice has been given…….

I'm guessing when that happens the whole thing is just made up. Probably posted on several forums to see what different reactions they'll get.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thankyou. You have some very good valid suggestions.

I said that too him- hve you been thinking about the way it ended for 3 years?? She has moved on. So have you. Its been 3 years for gods sake (is what i said)

He didnt tell me. He was unaware she had said something otherwise id never have known.

I think this too. He says he was just saying sorry. But yes from past conversations he was the one who walked away. Does he need closure too do you think?

i would be asking him what triggered it? if we were talking a few months with everything still raw then maybe - but what made him feel the need to do this after 3 years? based on what you’ve said, he wanted to apologise to her but why? that’s so random after that length of time.

i misunderstood sorry! but if HE didn’t tell you then that’s even more of a red flag. if it’s an innocent seeking of closure then what is he hiding?

you need to talk to him and establish what exactly he wanted out of the interaction.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I wouldn't meet/talk to the ex in all honesty. Go straight to the source, him. Sit him down, ask if you could see the message? ask what he really thought prompted him to do it. Try to stay calm and non confrontational (hard I know). Then make a decision based on that.

 

[Bonniemont]

I don’t like the sound of this at all. Why is she even on his mind now? Have they had any contact since apart from this ? Is he following her insta/ Facebook etc?

 

[SnoopySnooper86]

Have you asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed?

 

[Megera]

I was with my ex for 5 years, after 3 years he contacted his ex to 'apologise' for his behaviour. It was all behind my back until he started having a meltdown one day and I basically got it out of him that he had been texting her behind my back for a while.

We split up, I was absolutely gutted. He went back to her for a couple weeks and then realised that the reason they broke up in the first place was still there and he came crawling back.

However I messaged my ex from 8 years ago (a different guy) to apologise for my behaviour but there was no ulterior motive other than I felt shitty for the way I treated him. It was completely innocent and I just felt incredibly guilty for my behaviour way back when and once I'd apologised I felt better.

If you trust him and you can openly talk about it, I think that's the best way to deal with it before jumping to any conclusions about what 'could' be going on.

 

[candyland_]

Urgh, I always think there’s an ulterior motive for this kinda shit. Have you seen the actual message?

I agree.
I still have ex’s pop up after YEARS. They always want to pick up where we left off.

 

[Bec3007]

I have an ex (together 2012-14) and in 2019 they popped up to me with a huge message saying how sorry they were etc. Honestly im happy in my current relationship but we’d been through a lot together and it was nice to know they got the help they needed and to see them mature. I just responded no hard feelings and that was the end of the conversation. At the time they were single too might I add

There was honestly nothing in it. Sometimes people do therapy or whatever and feel the need to apologise. My partner knows about it too so there’s no secrecy.

I would be questioning your other half’s random epiphany though. I don’t think apologising to an ex is just a random Monday night thought for example..

 

[jo1983]

May be after a period of reflection, he realised he was in the wrong and just wanted to be a good person

That’s exactly what he thinks. That hes just doing the right thing.

How did their relationship end? He should have spoken about this to you beforehand.

Badly. Well i mean it was a decision made and he’s always said it was more him wanting to end it than her.
I think that too. If it was so innocent a message why not mention it to me first? He never thought i would find out. Thats why.

after three years though?!

all someone messaging an ex after three years is doing is just reminding them that they’re there. i would be annoyed about it to OP - he should have known how it would make you feel.

the ex isn’t in the wrong here. it’s her prerogative to tell people. your partner needs to be more respectful of you.

He is absolutely saying im being ridiculous in that im upset about it.
I do agree in that she hasnt done anything wrong. But she knew what she was doing in mentioning it to others.