I had a child totally by myself, it’s a modern world 
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I think you either need to have a baby withsome one you are not in a relationship with who is happy to father your child (either involved or not, depends what you want) or you need to have one with someone you see a future with.
If you want to bring a child up in another country, that’s not fair on the father if he wants to be involved if you part and take the child away full well knowing this could be an option before the child is born.
Personally I’d you don’t see a future, what is the point in dating? You might as well be friends and look for your forever partner or baby father.
If you want to bring a child up in another country, that’s not fair on the father if he wants to be involved if you part and take the child away full well knowing this could be an option before the child is born.
Personally I’d you don’t see a future, what is the point in dating? You might as well be friends and look for your forever partner or baby father.
My cousin has kids with his gf of nine years . He has told us he has no intention of ever getting married because he thinks it is 'outdated'.My partner doesn’t want to get married (‘doesn’t see the point’) but is happy to have kids with me which I don’t get
Let me tell you, those irritating quirks that you cant see yourself tied to through marriage, will become all the more pertinent when it comes to parenting decisions. His annoying anxieties will become ten fold when his baby is born. The stress at things not going to plan will be heightened by a baby because they don't have a schedule or plan. If you truly plan on "co parenting" then you want someone who doesnt piss you off. You say you don't want to accommodate his quirks and concerns but thats exactly what you will have to do if you are both parenting a child together. So im really not sure how he is too annoging/quirky/different to marry but you will tie yourself to him in a way that every single decision you make for your child will have to accommodate him (obvs within reason). The issue isn't marriage, its just that you are not all that fond of him as a life long partner, and co parenting is a lifelong partnership.
You seem to want single parenthood rather than co parenting with someone who isn't a romantic partner. They are very different things.
Source: am a single parent.
I have a lot of friends who see marriage as outdated and have kids, however they see a future with their kids mother/father. That to me is the fundamental, paper or no paper.
My husbands mum left his dad when he was 3, his dad's had four partners on and off since and the effect on his kids has not been a good one.
I don’t see anything wrong with having a child outside of marriage, but I do think that the decision to have a child shouldn’t be taken lightly and that it would be better to be in a committed relationship that will hopefully last when having a child.
I grew up in a single parent household, I hated it and I still do. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes looking at families with their children as it’s something I feel very bitter about.
don’t get me wrong, I know not all people who grow up with two parents in a relationship have a happy childhood for various reasons, but a lot do and I would have loved to have had that growing up. I feel like I really missed out because I never experienced family life and my mum was also very poor and had mental health problems so we struggled a lot.
I would move on and find someone you can make a real relationship with.
I grew up in a single parent household, I hated it and I still do. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach sometimes looking at families with their children as it’s something I feel very bitter about.
don’t get me wrong, I know not all people who grow up with two parents in a relationship have a happy childhood for various reasons, but a lot do and I would have loved to have had that growing up. I feel like I really missed out because I never experienced family life and my mum was also very poor and had mental health problems so we struggled a lot.
I would move on and find someone you can make a real relationship with.
Thank you ladies for all your perspectives! Some of the comments were definitely a bit hard to take, but I see the validity in each one and I can tell it comes from a good place so it's much appreciated. I had a serious discussion with my partner and as of right now, we have decided to continue working on the relationship but put any baby making on hold, and hopefully the effort we put in the next few weeks/months will help us figure out if we should continue the relationship or part ways.
He didn't know I was so unhappy and frustrated with his recent behavior so we're going to try to figure out how to best deal with that, if possible.
He didn't know I was so unhappy and frustrated with his recent behavior so we're going to try to figure out how to best deal with that, if possible.
I think that’s one thing people overlook in relationships, the other person isn’t a mind reader and unless you tell them they can be unaware, I know my husband can be.
Im glad you’re talked and can move forward together and work on things.
My perspective is: a child is a huge commitment you can't avoid for at least 18 years (in a happy scenario) once you have it. Marriage is not. There are lawyers, prenuptial agreements, and divorce papers. You can end it when it stops working for you. So if you can't agree on going through the easier challenge together, why would you take on the bigger one?
As far as I see you want a baby and a father/ family figure even if he is not fully present. But if you are gonna go through with this, you need to legally determine how much of a presence he'll provide and how much you are ok with it. Because it is much easier to flake if you are continents apart. You might go for the sperm donor option because it doesn't involve false hope and possible drama.
As far as I see you want a baby and a father/ family figure even if he is not fully present. But if you are gonna go through with this, you need to legally determine how much of a presence he'll provide and how much you are ok with it. Because it is much easier to flake if you are continents apart. You might go for the sperm donor option because it doesn't involve false hope and possible drama.
I think that the desire to have a child sometimes takes over everything . I'm sure lots of women have children with men they see no future with because they don't see the future without a child .
I’m definitely feeling a bit broody these days, which is probably why I’m even entertaining this insane scenario. I’m also at a point age wise (late 20s-early 30s) where I feel like I can still conceive easily with minor issues and that’s appealing to me. Seeing my friends in their late 30s who are single and struggling even using IVF is heartbreaking and I hope to never end up in that situation. But that being said, probably not the best idea to bring a child into this world in my current relationship unless we can somehow work things out.
I've got quite a few friends who had babies age 39/42/44!
That makes me feel a lot better, thank you.
I think a lot of us view our own lives similair to our upbringing and the views in society.
I always imagined I'd one day get married and have children but life isnt a fairy tale.
I have a 6 year old son he was born out of wedlock and I'm glad he was as I was in a relationship which started with emotional abuse and control and then gradually turned physical. I found the courage to leave that relationship after nearly 4 years. My only regret having my son out of wedlock is that he doesnt have my surname and unfortunately I cant change it.
I would like to marry my current partner one day. But I know my son now has a stable home around him and that doesnt require a marriage certificate.
I always imagined I'd one day get married and have children but life isnt a fairy tale.
I have a 6 year old son he was born out of wedlock and I'm glad he was as I was in a relationship which started with emotional abuse and control and then gradually turned physical. I found the courage to leave that relationship after nearly 4 years. My only regret having my son out of wedlock is that he doesnt have my surname and unfortunately I cant change it.
I would like to marry my current partner one day. But I know my son now has a stable home around him and that doesnt require a marriage certificate.
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yeah and conversely I know people in their late 20s/early 30s who have struggled and have had to go down the IVF route, some successful and others unfortunately not.
i think if you have a burning desire to be a parent and that is the main priority in your life then go for it but Don’t just have a baby with a guy just because you want to have a baby. It’s not fair on any of you.
I think I'm definitely more "modern" about this sort of arrangement than my partner is, after discussion. I definitely do want children in my life while he's open to having or not having them, but he wants them with a wife while I feel like I could happily co-parent with the right person (man or woman, to be frank) so there's definitely a difference of expectations there. I'm glad I decided to talk to him and let him know how I felt after listening to you ladies! I don't know if we'd be able to work things out for the long haul as of this moment but we are definitely trying.
I grew up with parents who are still happily married to this day and I have always wanted children, but I find that I've always been quite open-minded when it comes to parenting arrangements. I completely agree with you that life isn't a fairy tale and sometimes things don't go exactly the way you want so I've been trying to keep an open mind. That being said, after discussion (due to prompting from this thread), I realized that what my partner expects in the mother of his children (a wife) is not necessarily the same as what I expect so we're trying to work that out. You've been blessed with your son though and I'm glad that you left an abusive situation and are currently in a healthy relationship!
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Having a kid is much more of a commitment that marriage. If you dont want to be chained to him forever you can always got a divorce. Your stuck with a kid. Being a parent is the more rewarding thing you could ever imagine but also the hardest job.
Edit: not against having a child out of marriage. Ive got two and don't plan on getting married.
Edit: not against having a child out of marriage. Ive got two and don't plan on getting married.
I do think you need to be careful if you already have mismatched expectations, even if you think he would be a brilliant father. Even people who naturally have the same ideas about parenthood (or think they do!) struggle when a real life baby is thrown into the mix. Maybe this can be worked on as you intend, but to be brutally honest I think it’s a bad sign
The appeal of having a baby with someone you know well and may continue to have a relationship with, who will offer financial and practical support and has a family is appealing. I get that, especially as that’s not the situation with my daughter’s biological father. But every parenting situation has it’s own difficulties. As a lone parent, I bear all the responsibility and felt burnt out at times. However I can appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with a partner/ex and make compromises and have disagreements, and so on
There’s certainly no right way to raise a child but you should think carefully about the pros and cons of the situation and how well you’d realistically cope with it before having a baby
The appeal of having a baby with someone you know well and may continue to have a relationship with, who will offer financial and practical support and has a family is appealing. I get that, especially as that’s not the situation with my daughter’s biological father. But every parenting situation has it’s own difficulties. As a lone parent, I bear all the responsibility and felt burnt out at times. However I can appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with a partner/ex and make compromises and have disagreements, and so on
There’s certainly no right way to raise a child but you should think carefully about the pros and cons of the situation and how well you’d realistically cope with it before having a baby