Harassment/Crimes Against Women Support Thread

[justheretoread99]

Admins and Mods - I hope this is okay.

In light of the Sarah Everard case it has sparked a national discussion on the issue of sexual harassment towards women. I hope this thread can be a place to legally discuss and support one another on this topic. Share our stories and educate ourselves. Men - please join in. We need you more than ever to understand what we go through and experience on a daily basis.

MAY BE TRIGGER WARNINGS

 

[Mascaragirl]

Thanks for creating

 

[Hereforthegigs]

This is better

 

[Droosie123]

I'll start, I'm 55, I was SA as a child by an older male cousin and also by another older male relative.

At 15 I was walking across the school grounds when a boy walking past with his mate grabbed my breasts and squeezed them "cor lovely bits". So not even an adult.

It's informed my while life and at 55 I am married but resolutely asexual and will remain so.

I avoid going out for walks alone if possible unless it's a busy area

I mistrust men generally as most have let me down (including my husband in the past).

I have a son who I adore and who has been well educated about consent

All a bit sad

 

[Flowergirl14]

The Suzy Lamplugh Trust website has some good information on personal safety for women and men. I bought a grape alarm from them years ago. Gosh, it is loud. Her case always affected me, as I knew her sisters.

 

[justheretoread99]

TRIGGER WARNING. R*PE

Some of my experiences:

I first experienced harassment at the age of 12. I was in year 7 (First year of high school in the UK). I was walking home from school. About 3pm. In my school uniform. It was a hot sunny day. A white van with two men stopped at the side of me. Rolled down the windows and screamed “GET YOUR RAT OUT”. Laughed and drove off sticking their tongues out. I had no idea what that meant. All I knew is that it terrified me.

At school- I had my bum slapped by other male students. A male teacher told me to “strip off” when I mentioned I was feeling hot in my jumped. Infront of the whole class who erupted into laughter.
I was walking home from school, a little older this time, maybe 15/16. I was with my friends. In our uniform. Trousers, shirt and tie and a blazer. We walked past some workmen. They proceeded to shout and wolf whistle at us. One said “CORR they’d GET IT! I wish I was back at school”. These were grown men. We were minors. In school uniform.

Since then. I’m an adult now. Almost 30. But have experienced harassment on an almost weekly basis.

Cars beeping and gesturing at me whilst being a pedestrian and driving my own car. I do not feel safe in my car.

In bars/clubs; Ive been groped. My breasts have been groped. My bum. My crotch. My thighs. My face. Every time I have politely said “please stop”. Every time they have either laughed, or gotten angry.
“Sorry but I have a boyfriend”. Doesn’t work. I have had to give out a fake number numerous times to men. They cannot accept “no”.
I take my drinks to the toilet with me. I am scared what men might do to them if I leave them unattended.
I have been followed round clubs and bars by men.
I have been looked up and down by male bouncers.
“Do you want to come in VIP? We only allow pretty girls like you in. You’ll attract the guys who will spend money”.
“What time do them legs open?”
“You’d get it”
“Show me what that tounge can do?”
“Do you spit or swallow?”
“Wow if I was a few years younger”

When I was 18. I took a nude picture for my boyfriend at the time. It ended up on social media. My friends saw.

I was visiting a friend in London. I was probably around 21 at the time. Entering a busy tube station a man pointed and shouted “OI. YOU! YES YOU. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” I ignored him. He proceeds to shout and follow “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION”. I replied “Sorry, but I need to catch the next tube. I’m meeting someone”. Still following me. “IS IT BECAUSE IM BLACK”?

It wasn’t because he was black. He was aggressively shouting and following me. In a central London tube station. Before Covid. It was packed. I was terrified. Nobody helped me. Everyone turned a blind eye.

Around 18, I was at a pub. A 10 minute walk from my house. About midnight I walked home. With a male friend. I felt safe. Ish. Until we went separate directions. “Message me when you get in”. “I will. See you soon”. Walked down towards my road. On a main road. I heard footsteps. Fast footsteps. A man. I crossed the road. He crossed the road. I started to run. Looked back. He started to run.
“DONT WORRY SEXY IM NOT FOLLOWING YOU”
But he was. I sprinted home. Lost him. Thank goodness. Text my friend. “I’m home”. Safe.

There’s so many more. Some I can’t remember. Some “irrelevant” like a wolf whistle. Or a wink. Or a comment. But the worst. I have been r*ped.

It took me years to realised what had actually happened. I was at university. About 21.
On a night out with my course friends. I was drunk. Wasted.
Got talking to a guy. Bought me drinks. We hit it off.
Went back to his flat. I’ve done this before. I think most of us have.
We had a drink in his kitchen. The room was spinning. “Shall we go to bed”? I asked. We went to his room. I actually made the first move. Gave the first kiss. Took my clothes off first. When I lay down the room was spinning even more.
“I feel sick” I said. He said nothing.
He carried on kissing me and getting undressed.
“No lets stop I feel sick”. I said. I shouted. He said nothing.
He did it. I was sick on him. On myself. “Please stop” I said. He didn’t stop. All he said was “I want to give you pleasure”
It wasn’t pleasure to me. I cried. He got up and left.

I didn’t know where he went. The room was still spinning. I was covered in my own vomit. I think I passed out from the shock. Early hours I managed to get up. Wipe my vomit off. Rang myself a taxi. Went home. Never saw him again.

But I have also never told anyone. Never shared this story until now. I thought “I made the first move. Nobody would believe me”. I believe a lot of men won’t believe me. I have learnt to live with this. I have accepted this. It won’t define me. I don’t hate men. But I am scared of them.

I am very scared of men.

 

[under the ivy]

I’ve been cat called, wolf-whistled at and I dread it when a car drives past me for fear of them beeping at me - it happens 9 times out of 10 when I walk to the gym in my gym clothes. Before they shut due to the lockdowns of course. I always make sure I cover my bum when wearing tight jeans/gym leggings so at least people won’t look at me. I’m not saying I’m a beautiful model and being vain or anything like that, but it makes me feel comfortable. I have anxiety too - I feel like people are always staring at me. So that doesn’t help!

I had to leave my last driving instructor as he made me feel very uncomfortable. Again I wore baggy clothes so he couldn’t see my figure. He asked if I was single (recently just been dumped) and I repeatedly said it’s none of your business. One time we’d finished a lesson on reverse parking and I said ‘what shall we do now?’ As in what manoeuvre shall I do next and he goes ‘oh I’d love to do lots of things with you’ It made me feel so scared, I couldn’t wait to get home. Thankfully the lockdown in November started the week after and I blocked his number. When the restrictions ease I’m on the lookout for a female driving instructor as my confidence taking lessons with a man has been ruined.

 

[Notredamn]

personally I won't be sharing any stories anywhere other than in a safe space and am aware that some men seek out threads titled like this to get off on what people confide on them, but thank you for creating the thread for general chat on the subject. It's so important.

 

[watermelon sugar]

Wolf whistling, the usual 'get your rat out'

When I worked in a pub was the worst. I'd wear a skirt and tights and the comments id get from men old enough to be my Dad were vile. I'd be behind the bar and they'd ask me if I wanted to use their face as a chair one bloke just straight up asked me to bag him. Another time I was in the Wetherspoons not in my work clothes, round the corner to the pub i was in and one of the 50 odd year old blokes came over and whispered in my ear, as I was facing the bar so away from him, 'I could recognise that a anywhere'

My ex boyfriend was a bit of a creep looking back. I had just turned 15 when I got with him and he was turning 19. He used to ask me to come round in my school uniform cos he 'liked jailbait'

 

[bunnyboo]

Last year, I got the Luas (Irish tram) alone at 8pm give or take, and a man sat next to me. Bare in mind the tram is practically empty. He starts pushing up, (almost rubbing his body) against me, particularly my thighs. I was getting nervous, so I tried to shift over slightly, but I felt like he was moving toward me. I kept saying to myself oh it's in your head etc. I was shaking like a leaf. Next thing he gets off the Luas, but as he got off... he gripped my thigh tightly and squeezed it before walking off. The stare he gave me as he got off the tram made my blood run cold. And he just stood at the platform.. staring at me as well pulled off. Long story short, I ended up having a massive panic attack. I don't remember much at this point, but a kind man (who happened to be a doctor) saw me hyperventilating and helped me calm down and breath again. He informed the tram driver too once we reached the final stop. The tram driver was also incredibly understanding. Someone (not sure who) called the police, but they didn't seem too fussed. The tram driver insisted on calling someone to pick me up because I was in such a state. My brother came and brought me home.

I'm telling you this story because I recounted it in work on a talk about why women are afraid of travelling alone. Here are some of the replies I got; "where were you going at that hour?", "did you not think to go with someone?", "was it just your thigh?" it doesn't matter where I was going, nor the time... I have the right to go out and about and not fear harassment. As for 'just the thigh', I never consented to him touching me in the first place.

I survived some pretty horrific childhood sexual abuse, but still feel like my body isn't 'mine'. It's been a constant struggle. And incidents like this are just the cherry on the cake.

 

[justheretoread99]

personally I won't be sharing any stories anywhere other than in a safe space and am aware that some men seek out threads titled like this to get off on what people confide on them, but thank you for creating the thread for general chat on the subject. It's so important.

Thats completely fine. I understand
I hope you have people to confide in xxx

If any men or women for that matter “get off” from this. I can only pity them.
Disgusting. Vile. Beings. We are more than that.
I won’t let anyone have that satisfaction.

 

[Melody187]

I won’t go into major details but something needs to be changed for what can be done for women. I was stalked and harassed and I had to shut my business social media pages down due to it. It affected my income not to mention my mental health knowing that I was being watched not even just in my own home but online. I changed my car, I got a new number.
We shouldn’t have to do this. We just shouldn’t. All he got was a warning and he’s now out there doing this to other women. It makes me sick just thinking about it

 

[Notredamn]

Thats completely fine. I understand
I hope you have people to confide in xxx

If any men or women for that matter “get off” from this. I can only pity them.
Disgusting. Vile. Beings. We are more than that.
I won’t let anyone have that satisfaction.

Thank you. It's ok - there's nothing I've been through that most women haven't (sadly). I expect sexual harassment- it is so very predictable, but the things which stand out to me the most are the occasions when I've been going about my business and encountered sheer anger thrown at me from men. Not the predatory behaviour, not the lewd comments said with a sleazy smirk, but outbursts of rage! For example a man getting into my face out of nowhere and squaring up to me hissing 'you might think you're a cut above with that face, but you tell me now what YOU would bring to ME'

 

[Flowergirl14]

My 15 year old daughter gets it all the time at school. A lad in her class said to her recently I am going to take your virginity. Feel sorry for young girls these days, as although I got a lot of sexism in my 20's when working in London; there was no Internet porn around.

 

[justheretoread99]

The shocking thing is that none of these experiences are shocking to me. This is so “normal” and “expected” and all too common.

I admire all of your bravery and resilience to these awful experiences. Every single one of you

I feel helpless. What on earth can we do?

 

[LunaLovegood]

Hmm where to begin. Great idea for a thread by the way, I’ve never written all this down before and it’s quite cathartic.

My father sexually abused me for a year when I was 5 years old.
When I was 12 my karate teacher was inappropriate when going me lifts home.
My ex boyfriend when I was 17 wouldn’t stop having anal sex with me when I asked him too. He continued even though I was telling him to stop and crying because it hurt. It took me years to realise that was grape.
Had 3 men follow me home from a party cos I didn’t fancy their friend, and they chased me down the street while pretending to tank. I was terrified and phoned a taxi explaining where I was and what had happened when they’d left me alone (laughing as they went) and THEN the taxi driver kept looking at me in the mirror all creepy and telling me I was pretty. I was so relieved to get home.
A friend wanked in my bed while I was sleeping. He wasn’t trying to be discreet, I woke cos the bed was shaking but I pretended to be asleep.

I had a one night stand and the guy pinned me down and knelt on my arms so I couldn’t move and wanked into my face.

Some of these people appeared on the surface to be entirely normal.

A man put his hand up my skirt on NYE in a pub. Another man followed me to the toilet and was waiting for me when I came out of the cubicle. I just pushed past him and ran out. He then tried to drag me out the front door of the pub when I said I was going to get in my taxi. Luckily I got away but no idea how actually! I was lucky.

Various other micro aggressions, bum groping etc. Stuff that is humiliating but so normalised that you just accept it and feel like you’re making a fuss if you say anything.

 

[Droosie123]

personally I won't be sharing any stories anywhere other than in a safe space and am aware that some men seek out threads titled like this to get off on what people confide on them, but thank you for creating the thread for general chat on the subject. It's so important.

God I never considered that,

 

[Notredamn]

God I never considered that,

It's unfortunately true. It's so sad that we have to consider absolutely bloody everything. It's just down to personal choice that I won't share certain things but I respect everyone else's decision if it's helpful for them.

 

[LunaLovegood]

God I never considered that,

Neither did I, might delete my post. I’m already worrying that somehow one of the people who did something might recognise themselves and realise who I am. I’ve just edited it to make it more vague.

 

[Flowergirl14]

When I wa 25 I started a new job and my male boss took me to meet the HR Director on my first day. He looked me up and down and said to my boss, well it's a big improvement on the last one. I was replacing an older male in my role. My boss had a face like thunder. I felt so embarrassed. I was wearing a very prim navy pin striped suit with a blouse buttoned up to the top. Shocking when I think back. It was the 90's in London.